bitter and alone

I'm incredibly depressed and wildly suicidal. At this point these ramblings are just for me to write them down somewhere.

[snow-cone]

[retryinglife]

Purged for the first time in a few years

[retryinglife]

Woo

[retryinglife]

Cut myself with a large knife for cutting meat.didn't really care enough to not do so

[retryinglife]

I would be cutting myself right now if I had the energy to do so

[retryinglife]

I was going to kill myself one morning in a fit of hysteria. I didn’t just think to myself “I’m gonna kill myself” but I decided to cut myself with a knife that would shred my arm and I wanted to do enough damage that I would go to the hospital if I was sane. I decided I would not go. And then I considered if I wanted to bandage the wound that resulted or otherwise stop its bleeding. I decided I did not. I got increasingly upset and wanted to bleed excessively. I considered whether or not I cared if my life was in danger and I decided I did not. And then I asked myself whether or not I cared if it killed me today. And I did not.

[retryinglife]

I was going to kill myself today

[retryinglife]

I want to slit my wrists open with one of my kitchen knives

[retryinglife]

Told my mom I was depressed and she basically just said "well why don't you take more medicine and actually do things"

[relatable-memes]

[retryinglife]

I don't want to fight to live anymore

[retryinglife]

I'm doing so poorly... I can't even will myself to eat...

[bittersuggestion]

Give yourself something to look forward to that isn’t a person

[edfreelife]

DON’T hold onto clothes that fit your sick body but no longer fit your healthy body. That’s like holding onto your tricycle and periodically trying to switch back to it from the bike you ride every day. If you think it won’t trigger you, trust me - in a moment of weakness, it will and it’s just a matter of time so don’t even risk it.

DON’T hold onto friendships that are can potentially be triggering or toxic to you in any way. Unfortunately, this often includes people you’ve befriended in treatment but isn’t limited to it. This is a very important albeit difficult step to take but it’s time for you to think about YOUR health and wellbeing here. If it’s not part of the solution, then it’s a part of the problem. It’s not you being mean or cruel, it’s you making sure that you can live the ed-free and full life that you deserve.

DON’T hold onto your scale - food scales included! Your weight will fluctuate from day to day (as will the amount of food you eat) depending on a variety of factors and let’s face it - whether you’re just starting to recover or are almost there, having an ED-past and owning a scale just doesn’t add up to anything productive and can potentially be a trigger for a downward spiral in the future. I haven’t owned a scale in 5 years and my life hasn’t been negatively affected in the least - toss it and forget about it guys!

DON’T hold onto ED mementos (photos, diaries etc.) if they’ve ever served as a trigger for you in the past. If you have days when you’re feeling off balance and you tend to reach for your thigh gap pics from way back when to motivate unhealthy behavior - you need to get rid of them NOW. If when you feel sad you tend to re-read journal entries outlining your minuscule intake of ED-past and dwell on eating like a normal human being now - you need to toss out these journals and not look back. Clinging to the past is a direct link to potentially ending up right where you started so don’t go there.

✿✿✿ CLICK HERE for more  PRO-RECOVERY posts - every day! ✿✿✿

[botanize]

me during my last week of uni

[strings-of-beautiful-thoughts]

He’s not the sun; you are.

Greys Anatomy (via strings-of-beautiful-thoughts)

[imperfectlyxo]