particles.

it's been like a year since i've been h o m e, flirting with an addiction i can't shake o f f. my mouth is dry, i self-medicate. this comedown won't c u r e itself.

[reubcn1]

tillycarterx​:

Going to the bar was a nice wind down routine that Matilda always did after a particularly rough day. She hated the notion that alcohol made things better, because it didn’t, but it helped. She’d just met the man she’d sat next to at the bar and over a few drinks, he’d started telling her a story “Wait, what?! Did she, like… Did she not tell you? Or was she- Good god, say goodbye to that shoe forever” She said with a chuckle. At his thought of settling down, Tilly sighed and rolled her eyes “I don’t know… Settling down doesn’t guarantee you’ll stop fucking around. Some people never stop, that’s why most divorces happen”

•

“no, she didn’t say a thing,” reuben said, which was the god’s honest truth, “i mean in her defence, i never asked. but then again, there wasn’t a ring on her finger from what i could tell and she didn’t think to mention anything.” he shrugged, before nodding with a chuckle, “that boot is long gone now and i’m gonna have to mourn its loss.” he teased. “that’s a good point. i don’t think i’d fuck around though, depends. love just seems so complicated to me but i see people where it works and... i dunno, i just can’t see it for me.”

[reubcn1]

aubreyjennings​:

          “𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐈 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒?”  Aubrey wondered, her brows slightly raised in feigned offense as the artist couldn’t help but teasing her friend back a little. It was almost laughable just how many dating horror stories they had gotten to exchange and share with one another over the years. If she hadn’t somehow found her way to Finley at the end of last year, Aubrey was positive she would probably still be finding herself in similar predicaments. Especially when strangers on the internet usually really just couldn’t seem to be trusted.  “If you’re lowkey suggesting I take you shopping with me, I would be totally up for it,”  she offered, casually nudging Reuben by the shoulder.  

“i am absolutely suggesting you take me shopping with you,” reuben confirmed with a cheeky smirk upon his lips, “you just dress so nicely and i need help,” that was an understatement, “and i need someone to be downright honest with me because i’m certain when i text my mother photos of my outfits that she’s lying when she calls me a handsome boy.” the man teased, placing his drink atop the bar as he let out a light chuckle.

[reubcn1]

graysonjames​:

Grayson’s lips thinned, pressed together into a line, and it might have looked like a disapproving expression, but really he was just trying to hold back his laughter. Considering Reuben had been forced to execute a rather harrowing escape, and apparently caused a flare up of pain in his bad knee it didn’t seem appropriate to laugh, but god, the look on Reuben’s face when he’d realized who was interrupting him must have been priceless.

The first crack in the façade came as Reuben spoke to defend himself, Grayson letting out a hum that sounded unconvinced, but the amused smile was already starting to show itself. He could only nod in response to the thanks, and he felt undeserving of it, of the way tension seemed to bleed out of Reuben and let him adopt a comfortable slouch, of that heartfelt, gentle smile.

Instead of continuing to turn it between his fingers, shifting the cardboard sleeve left and then right again, Grayson actually lifted his cup to his lips to drink, draining it of the last of its contents. “I can stay awhile,” He said, in case that was the answer to Reuben’s question. “And you’ve got a good Plan B for after. Just maybe next time ask if they’re married before you go home with them.” And he kept his tone casual, as though advising Reuben to bring an umbrella, rather than vet his future hookups, but that grin was starting to show itself again, pulling one side of his mouth up higher than the other.

•

seeing a smile upon grayson’s cheeks, even if it was a small one, it made reuben feel much more at ease. “thank you,” he seemed to be saying that a lot, but the man truly was grateful for it. “anyway, it’s nice to catch up with you -- i wanna know what’s been going on with you and what’s happening in your life at the minute.” not in a nosey way, but in the way a friend would reach out. 

“i’m definitely going to have to as now because i can’t risk getting this pretty face punched, it’s pretty much the only thing i have going for me!” even that seemed like a reach; reuben was great at acting confident, an easy mask for insecurity. “i’m starting to think i need to just stop the one night stands altogether, they’re just another coping mechanism that i use.”

[reubcn1]

graysonjames​:

“…fire escape?” A soft question with a raised eyebrow, but really Reuben’s ability to land himself ‘in trouble’ was hardly a recent development. His expression tightened though, as Reuben went on, brows pulling together, concern and empathy and pained understanding coming together.

“Yes,” Grayson said, pressing on the word so Reuben would know just how much sense it made. It was why Grayson didn’t allow himself anything stronger than nicotine and caffeine these days. Slipping was too real a possibility. He found himself sitting forwards in his seat, a shift of his arm almost like he were going to reach out cut short, his hand lamely grasping at his mostly empty coffee cup instead. The fact that he wanted to reach out, offer some sort of physical contact as comfort to Reuben also seemed to be a good reason why he shouldn’t do it.

“So what’re you gonna do?” He asked, turning the cup between his hands, even though his gaze on Reuben stayed steady.

“aye, slept with a woman and her husband returned home early -- which, i should clarify that i didn’t know she was married otherwise i wouldn’t have gone,” he knew he needn’t explain himself to grayson, but he had a respect for the other and didn’t want to come across as a terrible human to him. though, in that moment of hearing the word yes, knowing that he wasn’t going out of his mind, reuben’s body visibly relaxed as he slouched back in his chair and reached for his coffee cup. “thank you, mate,” he said, glancing up to meet the elder’s gaze, giving him a small smile filled with warmth and gratitude. 

“i don’t know,” that wasn’t an answer, reuben stayed quiet for a moment as he thought hard before saying, “i suppose stay here for a little while, keep talking until i feel as though i’m in a better frame of mind?” he didn’t mean for it to come across as a question, but despite being two years sober and in a state of recovery, reuben always had doubts in himself. “deep down, i know that the pain will subside -- i could use one of those heat rubs instead of actually taking something; i suppose i convince myself that i need to pop a pill instead of understanding there are other forms of pain relief.” it was rare for reuben to ever have a sensible conversation but grayson somehow managed to tap into that side of him, allowing him to be rational with his thoughts. “then if that doesn’t work, i’ll drink a bottle of tequila.” and there was the usual reuben everybody else knew.

[reubcn1]

freyawoods​:

The sight she had opened her eyes to had been surprising, to say the least. She had been accustomed to wake to an empty bed following their late night endeavours; nothing more than crumpled sheets and the open door to her bedroom to assure her that he had, in fact, been present. Though, today, it seemed the male had other plans; one that involved a tray full of food, and a smile too charming to be used in the morning. It had Freya’s brows furrowing before she even lifted her head off of the comfort of her pillow. “…Good morning?” She spoke groggily, tone hesitant and unsure. @reubcn​

•

it wasn’t often reuben stayed past sunrise, let alone to be in the kitchen and making some sort of breakfast (it was a mix of everything he could get his hands on: toast, cereal, yoghurt and orange juice). maybe there was some sort of human bone in his body after all, or perhaps he was starting to realise he was needier than he once believed and could sense that this was beginning to fizzle out so was pulling out all the stops to try and hold on by a thread. “gooood morning!” reuben greeted in a far-too cheerful manner, placing the tray upon her lap before hopping into bed beside her and reaching for a slice of toast (an animal who clearly couldn’t care less about crumbs beneath the duvet). “figured i could make an effort for once,” he explained with a shrug of the shoulders, “see, i can be nice when i want to be.”

[reubcn1]

graysonjames​:

“Of course,” The assurance was made without a glance up, Grayson snapping shut the laptop he’d been using the pass the time while he waited for Reuben. By this point he knew the other man’s unpunctuality was so ingrained that he could have just showed up late himself, but somehow he was still always early.

With the laptop stuffed securely into his bag he turned his face back to Reuben, expression searching for the things he knew he’d recognize in himself, a tension in the jaw, a searching look in the eyes. “Just editing,” He said by way of an explanation, dismissing Reuben’s worries. Even if Grayson had been doing something of merit, there was little he could imagine that would take precedence over this.

He tamped down on the urge to feel singled out by Reuben’s words, like it made him special. “I do understand,” He said with a short nod, “Sorry about your knee.”

•

“thank you,” reuben said again, a little more sincerely this time because he really meant it. aside from those who attended na and his cousin and their family, he kept this side of him a secret from everybody. he daren’t open up to his friends, fearful that if he admitted his addiction that they’d abandon him, so often grayson felt like his rock as someone who really could be both a friend and someone to support him. 

“it’s alright,” he said with a small smile, already feeling better to just be in conversation as opposed to feeling trapped within his apartment, “i got into a bit of trouble yesterday. had to run out of someone’s fire escape in the middle of the night, must have just bashed it when i was runnin’ down and then yeah, woke up this morning in agony. just brought back everything from the accident and recovery, then y’know, i’m there thinking i want to take some sort of pain relief and i know that i’m allowed to but it just scares me in case i slip back into old ways. does that make sense?”

[reubcn1]

finleywoods​:

        𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍, 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐋𝐄𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐍 there. His better judgement had been passed up for the heat of the moment more times than he could count. He regretted nothing, though. “Sounds about right. At least you didn’t get caught. That’s a buzzkill.” He swigged from his own pint with Reuben and then contemplated how that had been him just months ago. That had been him his entire adult life. How quickly things had changed. “Bloody saint, you are. Someone give this bloke a medal.” Finley raised his voice to the bar around them, stirring the attention of a few before dissolving into giggles. “Amazing. She’s just… she’s brilliant.” The lovesick smile hidden in another swig of beer. “That whole waking up to someone day in and day out… not boring at all, it turns out.”

“if i got caught, i don’t think i’d be sittin’ here having a beer with you right now,” reuben admitted, “the guy’s a fuckin’ tank! i looked at his instagram after,” he dipped into his pocket to take out his phone, tapping a few buttons before a little scroll and, “look at the size of him! i’d have been knocked clean out.” reuben passed his phone over, replacing it with his pint glass to knock back the last dregs. “just knight me already,” reuben joked back, though he knew he was definitely less than deserving of any such title. he had his history, after all. the man placed a hand upon his cheek as he listened to the other gush, and immediately it warmed reuben’s cold little heart because he loved hearing these things. it gave him hope that maybe the idea of love wasn’t so fabricated as he once thought. “i’m really happy for you, pal,” reuben said with all sincerity, “and i know aubrey’s feelin’ the exact same way. it’s nice to see stuff workin’ out, you know? i just...” reuben trailed off, but shook his head. now wasn’t the time for him to start opening up. “so, you reckon this could be it? the one?”

[reubcn1]

annaxdolo​:

Anna was surprised at the kind offer, and it made her smile even wider. “Anna.” She said. “I came a month ago, from Russia.” She could tell from Reuben’s accent that he most likely wasn’t a native New Yorker, so it felt good to know that she was getting at least some help from another immigrant. “You?”

•

“a pleasure, anna,” he said with a small smile, “oh, amazing! what brought you all the way over here?” reuben then asked as they waited at the platform; he hoped he wasn’t prying too much, instead he just wanted to keep up the casual conversation between them. “aye, scotland m’self,” he said, “but i’ve been here a few years now, so i’m pretty much settled now. it’s different, a hell of a lot bigger than my hometown, but i kinda like it.”

[reubcn1]

cwlsh​:

Having cheated on her own husband when she was married, Cecelia couldn’t help but let out a small laugh as she overheard the conversation. “Goodness, well that sounds like quite an interesting situation. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been there before.” Her marriage had been complicated, and she had almost nearly been caught a handful of times. “I wouldn’t say you need to settle down. Maybe you should just try sleeping with single people.” 

•

“you have?” reuben asked, hoping he wasn’t being too nosy. “well, in my defense i did think she was single -- she never said anything about a husband and i’m sure i didn’t see a ring, but then again, i was half-cut so i doubt i was actively looking for one.” he shrugged. “maybe i should go the other way and just become celibate. turn into a nun, or something. god knows i’m needin’ some saving,” reuben joked, a small smirk upon his lips.

[reubcn1]

“cheers for meetin’ me here,” reuben said as he sat down opposite the other in the small coffee shop; he’d shown up ten minutes late, but for reuben that was considered to be on time. “how’re you doing?” he then asked, placing his take-out coffee cup onto the table, “i hope you weren’t too busy with nothin’, it isn’t serious or anything but i just... i dunno, man. i woke up this mornin’ and i had a flare up with my knee, honestly it’s been agony all day and the urges.” reuben shook his head with a heavy sigh; he needn’t say anything else, it was obvious to what he was referring as this wasn’t the first time he’d called upon grayson after feeling a craving for pain medication. “just need a distraction, you’re one of the only ones who understands.” @graysonjames​

[reubcn1]

#001 - playlist.

one. two. three. four. five. six. seven. eight. nine. ten. eleven.

and i'm a shadow of a ghost, it's feeling as if somebody has taken host. babe, i don't want to make a scene but i get self-destructive and it's driving you away; it's driving you away, piece by piece, day by day. baby, tell me if i’m being strange and if i need to rearrange my particles, i will for you. oh doctor, please, this don't feel right. oh can't you give me something to get me through the night? oh if it all falls apart and if this thing goes wrong, oh put me back together however you want. my mind plays tricks and i don't sleep no more. doctor, please, i can't switch off.

@villageinspo​ credit

[reubcn1]

aubreyjennings​:

          𝐀 𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 sparkled in the brunette’s eyes as she listened to the man’s tale of adventure. Admittedly, it wasn’t the type of situation she had ever found herself in. She supposed he was seriously lucky most New York apartments actually had a fire escape. After all, had he not been able to climb out of the poor woman’s window, the end of the story would no doubt have ended up a lot more disastrous.  “I don’t think it makes you a bad person if you didn’t know about him,”  she sweetly offered, throwing him a somewhat apologetic smile as she eyed him over her own drink, sitting by the bar beside him.  “If a shoe is all you’ve lost, I think that’s a total win.”

“yeah, you make a good point actually,” reuben mused. if he’d have known prior to jumping into bed with the mysterious woman then he figured morally that would be worse, but to be in the dark about it, well, that just made him an innocent bystander, right? “it definitely could have been worse, that’s for sure. i wish i wasn’t wearing my brand new shoes though -- they were gorgeous oxblood chelsea boots.” reuben placed a hand on his heart, as if mourning the loss of them. “i’m gonna have to get another pair. i need a whole new wardrobe, really. i didn’t even change to come out tonight; this was what i wore for work today.” he then admitted, pinching at the fabric of his plain black tee.

[reubcn1]

annaxdolo​:

At first Anna was relieved to receive help, but as the man started talking she quickly found herself lost again. She tried to keep up with what he was saying, and follow his finger along the map, but it quickly got muddled up as his English almost entirely flew over her head. “Uh, moved in.” She said, once she realized what he had said. “So, say again?” She looked down, embarrassed. “English is…not good.”

•

“oh, when did you get here?” he asked, before giving a small smile, “don’t worry. tell you what, i’ve got some time to kill, i can take you there if you like?” reuben offered, “i promise it’ll soon become second nature for you. it just takes a little time to get used to it. i’ve been here three years now and i’m still getting lost sometimes.” reuben started to walk in the direction of the train they needed to catch. “i’m reuben, by the way,” he introduced.

[reubcn1]

luisafrcnco​:

          Some amusement played on Luisa’s features as something felt familiar in his tale, like she’d been there before herself. “There are worse things you could’ve left behind,” she tossed in. “Maybe she wasn’t married. He could’ve been a boyfriend. Or, I guess you didn’t look for a ring… maybe a line where one had been taken off?” Wrapping her hand around her drink, she took a sip, it was something most people overlooked when desire was high. When you really wanted someone it was easy to take what they said at face value and run with it. “Oh god,” Luisa practically shuddered, “how did you go from that to… settling down?” A sour look appeared, like she’d just sucked on a lemon. Clearly she still had her commitment issues. “You’re not the one who cheated, maybe you shouldn’t fall into crisis here…”

•

“this is true, i reckon if i’d left my phone or wallet there, i’d have just let her keep it. ain’t no way i’m goin’ back there,” reuben said with a nod. “she text me after to apologise and said it was her husband, so that’s how i found out about it. she asked if i wanted to come back another time but i bounced outta that real fast; i’ve been a homewrecker one too many times before, i think i’m past that point of my life.” he admitted with a small chuckle. he’d managed to grow up somewhat, it seemed. “it just feels like the thing you have to do, doesn’t it? you gotta find a partner, get married, then have a family and all. just something i ain’t ever pictured for myself though.” the man gave a small sigh, before nodding in agreement with her words, “you’re right, i was the innocent one in this. it’s just shit because i didn’t even get to finish and now i never will -- with her, anyway.”

[reubcn1]

izzybuchanan​:

her bottom lip curled into her mouth to find a home snug between her teeth as she listened to him, the person she really didn’t know, weave an intricate web that most would surely find scandalous. but not izzy. “a shoe? a regular modern day cinderella.” izzy shrugged with a quiet laugh after a sip of her drink. “but believe me, that does not make you a bad person. i’ve been there, too… knowingly.” her nose scrunched at the confession. “that didn’t end well either. but maybe this is the very reason settling down is a terrible idea. even if you do find someone, you could always end up being the honey i’m home guy, right?” izzy shrugged and crossed her legs at the knee as she let out a thoughtful hum. “oh my god.. i’m being too cynical, aren’t i?”

•

“thank fuck i didn’t turn into a pumpkin, eh?” reuben joked, wiggling his brows to the girl playfully. he knew he was spilling far too much about his personal life to someone who was practically a stranger, btu reuben had never been one to shy away from oversharing. “oh, you have? now that’s naughty,” reuben teased, “that’s exactly what i think though. even if i was to settle, i just can’t imagine putting that much trust in someone else for them to not want to look elsewhere. i mean, maybe i’d be that person to bring someone home whilst my partner’s away.” damn, this conversation had gotten deep quickly, but it made a nice change from reuben’s regular ridiculous conversation. “not cynical at all; if anything i think it’s good to be cautious, you can spot the red flags more easily, right?”

[reubcn1]

finleywoods​:

         𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐋𝐄𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐁𝐄𝐄𝐍 𝐈𝐍 Reuben’s shoes – or, rather, shoe – before. At times intentionally and others completely unawares. He clicked his tongue at the fellow Brit and smirked into a draught of beer. “Rue! You naughty boy.” He gasped as though he had never put the extra in extramarital affair. “Never thought I’d say this, but settling down’s a blast. Would recommend. Real question is though… what does one do with one shoe?”

“i know, i know,” the scot groaned, shaking his head, “i couldn’t resist though, the face on her had me thinkin’ with one brain only and it weren’t the one in m’head.” he admitted with a chuckle, tipping the glass to his lips to take a swig. “mm, i’m not sure on that. i cant imagine wakin’ up to the same person day in and day out,” or rather, reuben longed for that but couldn’t imagine anybody feeling that way about him. “guess i could donate it to someone with only one right foot,” he then shrugged, a playful smirk upon his lips, “how are things going with you and aubrey anyway?”

[reubcn1]

ardenconway​:

arden felt like she was socially behind with people her age. she was homeschooled her whole life and she only ever interacted with people she was in competition with. there were some superficial friends here and there but nothing substantial. the only real relationship she had was with her ex-girlfriend. and even then she was surprised that it had turned into anything just by arden’s lack of filter and abrasiveness. despite how well known arden had beenn she wasn’t exactly all that likeable, her mother often referring to arden as not “everyone’s cup of tea”. what you see was what you got, and most respected that but other’s didn’t. arden hadn’t had many one night stands in her life, so this conversation was rather dull for her. she had decided instead of saying something unkind she just wouldn’t say anything at all by taking a long drink of her own beer. “morally grey area.” is all she says, her voice a monotone, but she doesn’t offer anything else. 

“what’s that supposed to mean?” reuben asked with a raised brow, “no, really. you gotta simplify shit for me, i didn’t finish school and i failed english.” the man had a smirk upon his lips; though he could tell arden didn’t want to listen to his story, he didn’t really care. he’d always been someone to just keep on talking regardless even if it did make him come across as annoying; he wasn’t about to change to suit someone else.