Friend breakups are a special kind of hell pt. 284
M is going to be at LCD Soundsystem tonight. I am going to do my best to not see/interact & avoid if at all possible. And if we do end up seeing one another and he initiates a conversation, I'll do my best to not completely ruin the night for all of us.
It's always a mystery how he's going to behave because he's so hot and cold towards me. But mostly cold. He's only 'hot' when he's trying to introduce me to some new person he wants me to 'welcome in' so he can make them feel at ease (and hopefully fuck them later).
Sure, 'welcome in', except you haven't shown up for your 'community' meaningfully in any capacity since I 'called you in'. And then you spent a year self-flagellating, making many people in the peripheries feel bad for you, making me out to be the bitch.
The last time he texted Aries, which was the first time in well over a year, it was just to ask where he can get ecstasy so he can get fucked up with some 24 year old he flew in from Austin. He's 40. He's also unemployed while his wife works full time. (They're poly. Poly is not the problem - when we met, I was in a long-term poly V. The problem is he's a deadbeat loser that spends what little money he has chasing after 20 year olds while his wife works to pay their bills)
I can't believe I made excuses for him for so long. Makes me wonder what else am I blind to?
At least the majority of the people who matter to me know he's pathetic.
I hate him. Friend breakups have honestly been more fraught than any of my previous romantic relationship endings.
I don't want to lose one of my closest friends who happens to be married to him.
I'm obviously hoping for a specific outcome, but that's not my call to make/outcome to push for. So I'll just bear his occasional presence and be there for her when she needs me. Because I do think the time will come...
Of my own outcomes, I would like to manifest: not seeing M. Not even thinking of M anymore. Tonight is going to be FUN. I'm going to sing and dance myself clean.
And tomorrow night I'm hosting some other friends, including two new people I'm really excited to spend time with.
It's the DJ + Opera Singer lesbian couple. We've only met once, but we immediately clicked. We have not had the chance to meet up again, but tomorrow's the day.
If there are endings, there are beginnings.
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