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Reflection Week 10

With Prof Jen leaving for the Black dog institute I was a bit unsure as to how this MURI relationship would continue but she’s assured me that I will be moving on to help her students with master’s systematic reviews so I will have more work to continue doing. Finishing the bigger first project on anxiety was nice so now I don’t have to worry too much about working through my exams and also can focus on my assignments coming out today/this week. 

I’m thinking how weird it is being an white indigenous person. I mean I’ve never been considered dark enough of skin colour to be indigenous, but I’ve always been indigenous enough for mockery and racism. Looking back at high school people like me got it all - sniffing petrol jokes, told I’m too white. that ‘sorry’ is enough. At one point my ‘friends’ started calling me daffodil because indigenous people weren’t considered humans under the constitution. I mean i guess I have the halfcast luxury of being able to hide my heritage. It feels weird - like I’m lying by omission or that I’m acting. But sometimes it’s easier because it stops me from having to fight every time someone says something or does something. Maybe I’m tired of arguing for myself. I know it’s wrong i should be proud and yell the shit out of my heritage but i guess it’s the bitterness that creeps in.

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Reflection Mid Sem and week 8+9

Mid Sem Break: Mid sem break was for once in my life an actual break. We finished data extraction within the first week of mid sem break so I was free to do nothing - and so nothing I did. Mostly worked on my 1MT and chilled.

Week 8 + 9: Yea again other than the few assignments, the 1MT and some small stuff for my sponsor I didn’t really do much. At some point I’m going to need to stop treating uni as if it’s optional - because I paid a but tonne of money to be here. However, in recent events I have found out that my sponsor may not be able to continue this program through after the end of the month. However, I am working on one of her students reviews -> similar to what I did for her. TBD how that goes. 

Next conversational point for my constant midlife crisis, what life must be like for a woman. See I’m not saying life as a woman is bad. I’m just saying that I’ve never been catcalled, never been underpaid for the same work and never experienced life like the so called “fairer sex” (god that makes my cringe, even just writing it - but for irony’s sake I shall persevere). I’ve had the luxury of living my life as a cis-gendered, white man and there’s so much privilege that comes with that. Even if I look back at school - i got away with so much shit because i was a charming white boy who could just flash a smile and all that jazz. Yes I maybe queer and indigenous and have those as ramifications for my life, to some extent I can choose to keep those a secret. God privilege sucks ass. 

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Reflection #6 + #7

It has been a super busy 2 weeks. 

The first week wasn’t too bad if you take into account that everything wasn’t due or more so that I had to do all the leg work that was making/updating/annotating notes, finishing reading and finalising research for assignments. At least in this time fitting in the MURI research was alright, doing an hour or so before bed (it was excruciating sometimes but I did it). I mean it was good because at this point I still had free time so I could adjust my schedule and make up for the lack of work one day to the next. We finished the full text reviews and have moved onto screening the data extraction, which was lucky, because it meant that I could use the reset time to have half a week off for the super intense week.

The super intense week was something. I woke up and started working, moving from one thing to the next, to the next and the next after that. I adjusted my schedule in my free time depending how much i had or hadn’t finished. Pretty much I worked on whatever was next until I finished it. It was non stop and made me feel way less than human. The amount of stats I’ve run in the past week outweighs the rest of my life threefold. I’ll be picking up the data extraction too but I’ve needed a break before I decide that arson is a fun pass time (I mean fire is fun but prison not so much). 

I’m actually a little bit happy that there’s no MURI weekly meeting this Tuesday (in the nicest way possible). I just need uni to piss off for a solid minute so I can reset and take a moment to get my shit together. I miss going out for a coffee and not having to worry about COVID, but hey if we got what we wanted we would be disadvantaged right?

On this episode of my delusions I’m thinking about how different my life would be if I had been born as a rich, white son of daddy’s big business. I mean imagine me sailing with a rich boy hair cut and tanned boat shoes. I could probably wear white shorts and people would be like ah yes this boy is rich and privileged. I mean I’d probably be oozing straight, white, money. How small the world must feel when everything you’ve ever wanted has been given to you. Makes one ponder on the impacts that has on the ego, walking around like the world owes you everything - to be so certain of yourself and what you do. Maybe confidence comes from a place of privilege. Now that’s an interesting idea. I had a ‘friend’ try to explain to me why people deserve to be brutalised for being rude to the police, I just had to stare at them for a hot minute. This was followed by the classic, “I mean if you’ve done nothing wrong then you shouldn’t run”. Imagine how easy life must be living in ignorance.

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Reflection #5

Now you see I thought I was busy last week. I kinda feel like I’m squishing everything into to small a place - like clothes in a suitcase after a week in Paris and even after extending to case I can’t seem to get my new fashionable trinkets to fit in. It would be nice if I had of been in Paris.

The project is really pushing for completion of the next stage, I have like 5 billion things due on Friday 11th of September. At this point I’m considering dropping out and marrying rich. Honest at this point a sugar anyone would be appreciated. If y’all know anyone hit me up.

I am constantly tired, running about and working. It feels like burn out whenever I finally get to have some social time. At least I’m getting some social time - a dinner here, a coffee there, and I’ll be right. I wonder what it’s like to be a normal 20 year old getting absolutely shitfaced at the clubs - my uni, work and covid stop any chance of me downing a bottle of vodka. Maybe they increased them, I don’t really know.

I mean my insomnia screwed me over for a week there, but now at least I’m getting some sleep. Coffee is like the petrol and I’m a shitty car chugging away. To be honest though I can only really afford e10 - cheap and easy aye? Ah well we’re surviving.

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Reflection #4

We finished the abstract and the title screening and have moved on to the full text screening process. I’m enjoying this but again I feel super underqualified, finding time to fit the screening in is becoming harder - merely from such a busy schedule. 

We were taught how to do the process and I’ve been getting better at it - it feels like I did so much less then the other interns, but I think it’s because it takes me longer to go through the papers. Jennie put it down to less experience (which makes sense), but it didn’t make it hurt my ego any less.

In terms of general study load it’s been intense. No other words for it. I have a lot to do and my schedule is always so full that in my spare time I don’t even want to look/plan into the future. Pretty much I’m currently dealing with everything as it pops up - going from one thing to the next constantly.

Familial issues, work and generalised anxiety/stress hasn’t helped. However, I’ve taken to listening to ‘vibin’ and ‘badbitch’ music so I can at least feel like I’m cool.

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Reflection #3

We finished the abstract and title screening process. It’s a little annoying because I had just got the hang of the process. We’ve moved onto the full paper reviews and we’ve had meetings to discuss the criteria and learn how to partake in the full paper review. Which is good because I was a bit anxious about how this process was going to work.

Uni’s starting to ramp up so I’m getting more stressed. I have stats and bio unit work due, as well as online quizzes for Learning. I’m somewhat on top of everything, but it’s still stressful and difficult because there’s not much of a break period. Fitting in the MURI hours, assignments/assessments, coursework and lecture content is definitely tiring. I’m getting there, so I haven’t been overwhelmed yet, but it is important that stay on top of everything because there’s almost always something to be doing.

I really enjoy working on the internship and I feel like I’m learning a lot just from reading papers. However, I think this semester is just really jam-packed, so I’m trying to squeeze in social time and “anti-burnout” periods so that I don’t lose my mind. 

Can’t wait for the exam period...

Still figuring out the balance of work, uni and my social life.

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Reflection #2

I began this feeling rather incapable or maybe more so a little daunted about being a 2nd year psych student working for Jennie (who’s such a big player in the psych field). I was a little anxious about whether I was capable of making the decisions in screening papers for this project. 

This was brought up with Jennie in our meeting yesterday and I’m more confident in the job now, as well as not as worried about making mistakes. She was super understanding and really kind. 

Over all this has been a good experience, and I’m learning about a lot just from reading the abstracts of papers, as well as using this as a screening method.

It should be noted I have been stressed with the start of my uni courses and the need to schedule (which has been difficult due to so many moving parts). Staying on top of the work is the only way that this will possibly be dealt with.

11/08/2020

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Reflection #1

Mostly still unsure what’s going to happen entirely, but I’m keen to delve into it. I had an introductory meeting with Prof Jennie Hudson and it went well - mostly talking about what we’re going to be doing and who I’m going to be in contact with. This is all going well and I think that I will be able to fit in and work effectively for this project.

The contracts/documents for MURI that I need to submit are confusing me and I’m not entirely sure what I need to submit. Any help with that would be good.

02/08/2020

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Practice Reflection

This is to see if this works as a medium for my weekly reflections.

Not much to reflect on in the past so looking a what I need to do.

I guess the first thing is the need to get in communication with my academic sponsor (I have sent an email, however have gotten no reply -> follow up the email in a few days). Begin with a quick look into my academic sponsors previous works and other papers published on anxiety and other topics within the research process.

Need to get paperwork together for stipend and anything else MURI requires.

28/07/2020