I haven’t actually sobbed my brain/heart out for almost a year now… I used to cry all the time about everything and nothing . Nothing’s wrong with me or life in general. I just…
I was freaking out that I forgot how to.
Once the breath started catching in my throat like calluses on crushed velvet, the teardrops gradually started their escape from my ducts.
They welled up on my lower lid like raindrops on a window pane at first. Not enough to spill over and fall. Just enough bubbling up to obscure my vision like a dirty windshield, making all lights sources into bokeh.
Hot streaks of liquid careening down my cheeks, a foreign sensation that I haven’t experienced in a long long time. It almost felt wrong, like I should be ashamed for even being like this. Slight discomfort as my face is a little chapped from the wind blowing snow around outside. Hot salt into freshly uncovered raw skin, I wanted the heat to cauterize the feeling of the open wounds.
At first I was sob whispering to my ex: sorry I wasn’t what he wanted/that I wasn’t good enough/im sorry I fell in love/stupid shit that he’s never going to hear because I don’t care to let him be aware of his impact on me as a person….
Then I started talking out loud about how much I sacrificed because I stupidly went all in with my unconditional love and support for him. Maybe I had fallen in love with a child’s heart. I had the fully formed prefrontal cortex when it happened. I’m trying so hard to find my fault for being so naive.
Raw sounds of pain like an animal being tortured for sick sport rupture from my lips, tearing open the hurt that I’ve kept sealed up for far too long. I grab for this plushie you see in the picture. I can’t tell what are tears and what is drool as I’m just letting it all go in one fell swoop.
I remember how I did absolutely everything I could do humanly to help my ex to be happy and feel loved when we were together. It’s not anything I did or didn’t do. He is a weak representation of an adult male who would rather please people than have any personal observation or accountability to his own sense of self. A skeleton without a spine of his own.
That’s why he blamed me for everything going wrong at the end. He needed an out and I was there. It was so convenient. So cold, traumatic, and physically painful like death. I’ve technically been dead for about 5 minutes a few times in my life so far. Something unknown on this plane of existence keeps me from fully leaving. I’ve felt this colder than dry ice freezing and simultaneously burning physical pain like your insides are absolutely being ripped from your still warm body feeling several times. I’m still here.
He did not dim my light. I have gone through all the levels of hell and made it back to tell my tale. My bright heart still refuses to quit shining like a lighthouse in a storm. Guiding other weary souls to safety if I can help, no one deserves to go through this alone. I’m still here.
I have so much love for myself. As someone who wasn’t shown love correctly while in the formative years, I know now that what I have for myself is neither narcissistic or selfish. It’s human and it’s real. I have so much, it feels only natural that I’d want to be able to share it with someone who is ready to receive.
I know I’m a mess and aware that pain is what keeps me human.
I am covered with scars. Emotionally and physically.
My scars used to bother me incredibly so. I have innumerable healed over wounds inside and out. So many reminders of when I tried leaving… if I took the time to point them out in direct sunlight, they would seem like constellations of scar tissue all over my body.
I’ve tried to leave so many times before. It seems
I have unfinished business here on this planet, yet.
I have since been redecorating. Covering all evidence of my self destruction with beautiful art combined with specific symbolism as a reminder that my existence here is a gift.
I’ve given away much of my love to those I care about not out of obligation of any sort, but from my personal choosing to. When I give my love, it’s because I see value in others. Even when they can’t see it for themselves. I give it willingly and unfettered. Maybe it was too much for him and he found someone else willing to put up with his behavioral issues. Still, I will continue to love.
janainaart
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snowghoul
gummygunk
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