I want to take a minute to look back on this. This was about 4 years ago. For anyone who knows me from back then, I cut myself regularly, I had multiple suicide attempts under my belt, including a big ordeal that had 5000+ calls made to my campus police, 200+ calls to my personal cell phone, bleeding out in the snow in the town around my college campus and a hot mess of an anxious girl who thought she needed one guy to survive.
I wanted to kill myself that night. Campus police came knocking on my door shortly after I found my way back and crawled into bed to cry myself to sleep one more night because my boyfriend was cheating on me and mentally abusing me by making it out to be my fault he had to cheat on me. How dare I go to college and leave him all alone. I was assessed with and by a therapist, put on suicide watch, and when I returned to my dorm my roommate grabbed me and hugged me, sobbing that she was so worried about me. In that moment I realized my life isn’t meant for someone to belittle me. Shortly after I left college, overwhelmed by it and shortly after returning home I broke up with my mentally, and emotionally abusive boyfriend. I met my soon-to-be-husband a month later. I met the now-god-father of my daughter at the same time. Both helped me get out of the awful rut I was in, without realizing they were saving me. There was a time when my future seemed so bleak that I wanted to end it and not see a life without some dumbass who wouldn’t give me the time of day.
I’m the mother of a beautiful little 7 month old girl. I’m married to my best friend. I’m a personal banker and loving my job, coworkers and company. I’m on my own and living my life happily with my little family.
I look back at it and am thankful for the hundreds of people who blew up my phone, and my college campus police department’s phone to look for me. I was furious at the time, but I can still remember the sound of Link’s voice as he told me it would be okay. Of Joey’s voice as he told me people still cared about me. I had never talked to link offline, and I hadn’t seen Joey since graduation. I thought Joey hated me, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have fond feelings for me- but it meant enough that he didn’t want me to see myself off I guess. I came back to my computer to thousands of messages from tumblr and hundreds of comments.
Social media literally saved my life. I never check my Tumblr anymore. I’m rarely on my YouTube. I use Instagram because you don’t need to talk. And I use my new Facebook to keep up with close family and friends. That’s it. My life is finally able to be lived happily away from a computer screen where I used to seek love and acceptance from friends I’ll probably never meet.
I look into my daughter’s eyes now and see that she has my eyes. I can’t imagine them ever being as sad as mine were. It breaks my heart. I stand by what I said in my original post. Sophie, if you’re ever reading this. I’ll ALWAYS be here for you. You may not think I can understand you, but mommy has been through more than you’ll ever realize. Whatever you’re going to go through, I may not have done exactly, but I will always listen. I will support you, and I will believe in you.
To anyone; If you’re ever sad, or contemplating suicide, just know I was there too. I’ve swallowed enough pills, cut the skin enough times, held the gun just close enough to relate. I know. I’ve been there. But I’m here now. It’s so cliche to say, “It get’s better.” But it really does if you let it. From me to you, one day- you’ll be looking back at how you are now from a better state of mind and you’ll smile because you’re better off. Suicide isn’t selfish. You’re at your wits end. But remember, if I can come back, you can too.
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