the escapade

I'm trying to be the best that I can be | 25 |

[rinscore]

[7:52PM]

- There’s so much pain. So much filthy fucking pain that coats my insides and dusts over my skin and no matter how hard I scratch, scrub, and pull at myself to get some semblance of peace, I can’t.

- Going through years and years of swallowing the shit and piss thrown at me and constantly being compared to everyone else then being compared to who I used to be has left me cracked. “Whatever happened to that happy girl? You were able to befriend and entertain anyone and everyone. What happened?”

- Life fucked me over. Grabbed me by my teeth and broke me. Now I’m this shell of a person, desperately trying to keep the pieces together while the world moves on without me. Fading away with all the dirt and grime of my mistakes and other people’s actions covering every inch left.

[rinscore]

[2:33PM]

- I was a kid and you expected me to always know exactly what to do right and right away. You expected to me to be quiet and respectful and in control of my emotions all the time when you couldn’t do that yourself. You’d hit me because I misbehaved and then hit me some more because you were angry. You’d scream at me about how I was the worst. I’d never live up to your expectations. I was always a disappointment. Shouldn’t have been adopted. Unwanted.

- And you watched. It was bad enough that you were away at work majority of the time but when you were home? And she was angry? You either yelled along with her or stood in the background and watched. Watched as she would repeatedly slap my face, pinch my lips, squeeze my tongue with her nails, grab my hair, chase me with a wire hanger until she could release her stress by hitting me with it. Every time I would turn to you for help and every time you’d give me false comfort only to throw me to her again so you wouldn’t get caught in her line of fire. 

- And now I’m older and I’m so angry. I’m so angry. I’m so angry. I’m so angry. I’m so angry. I bite my tongue more often, ball my fists, take deep breaths, try to communicate to the both of you when I don’t feel well enough to keep myself in check. Hide in my room so you won’t see and berate me for being anything but happy. But I have all this hatred and rage pitted at the center of my chest because you didn’t let me be a kid and I’m still trying to gain your approval. 

[rinscore]

bro I fucking quit lmao

[rinscore]

[12:42PM]

- I know I’m really easy-going and understanding but there are times where I wonder if I’m accepting less because of that. Like I let people treat me less than I deserve because my parents have always told me that I’m bothering people. Sometimes I wish I’d be treated like I’m special. Treated like a princess without asking. Maybe my parents were right. 

[rinscore]

[2:21AM]

- It’s feeling like one of those nights where the sun will greet me before my eyelids properly close. Every day is repetitive bullshit. I do the same things because I’m habitual. I try to change it up and the distaste for my constant cycle still remains. It’s getting harder to breathe. Maybe it’s because I vape too much but what else am I going to do to keep my hands occupied? To satisfy my oral fixation? To keep some part of my mind focused on something? 

- Maybe it’s getting harder to breathe because I’m more aware of the fact that I’m not just getting stir-crazy because of quarantine. Even without lockdown procedures, my life would still be a mind-numbing mess. What’s the point of even waking up? To feel the days drag longer than my inhales? Do you know what it’s like to not have a goal? To not have passion for anything? I scour social media for hours and hours and immerse myself in videos, shows, movies, anything for a slice of happiness. Something to make me feel something. Anything other than the reality choking me through my lungs that my life is a colorless wormhole damning me to smell what a stinking failure I am.

[nflamels-deactivated20110821]

[rinscore]

And I Jack The Pumpkin King Have grown so tired of the same old thing

[beyondjealous-blog]

[rinscore]

[3:25PM]

- Just wondering what it’s like to have the ground I walk worshipped. To be so beautiful that you have to look away but you can’t help but stare anyways. To be valued to the point where you can’t picture an existence without me. 

- The insignificance I ultimately feel from anyone and everyone around me makes me feel as if I’m constantly dreaming for something that I’m never meant for.

- Maybe that’s why I’m always in my head. At least in there I can imagine myself as a better version. Someone that’s loved, wanted, needed.

[bairfoot-deactivated20120726]

[antirulez]

[rinscore]

[1:41AM]

- I know I’m a brat because as much as I love listening and being submissive, it’s so much more fun to get him all worked up. Light touches, perfectly placed kisses, soft whispers of how good we both could feel. Maybe let him feel me up without a promise of anything more. 

- All in the hopes of getting him to the point where his patience is running thin and he can’t take it anymore. Where a simple makeout session can turn into him grabbing my face and reminding me that only good girls are allowed to cum and if I wanna act like a brat, he’ll treat me like one. 

- Maybe he’ll spank me or choke me or shove my face down or play with my clit until I’m too sensitive and crying. Maybe he won’t let me feel his cock unless he’s fucking my throat. Maybe he’ll bring me right to the edge only to stop and make me watch him cum on me instead. It’s fun thinking about what could happen.

- All in the hopes of being the only thing that has all of his attention. All so I can cry and promise that I’ll be good and he’ll coo at me for taking his punishment so well. All so we can show how much we want each other.

- All so I can do it all over again later.

[2:35PM]

- Let’s just have a moment to celebrate the emotional maturity and communication that we had yesterday and I’m jotting it down because it makes me really happy now that I think about it.

- I squatted for the first time in a long time (and it was heavier than my weight!! whoo!!). However, I was struggling a bit on my final rep and Chris was spotting right behind me and immediately yelled, “Up! Up! Up!!” I ended up completing it which was awesome but then I told him afterwards that I don’t respond well to people yelling at me, even if it’s supposed to be words of encouragement. He replied with stating that it was different than what he was used to but he won’t do it again and he’ll try a different approach and I- 🥺

- That meant a lot to me because I usually have a hard time putting into words how I feel about things and typically when I do, I don’t get well-received responses (i.e., dismissed, ridiculed, etc.). I also tend to get really panicky which sometimes prevents me from saying things in a calm manner. But this time I did and for him to acknowledge what I was saying and then follow up with saying he’ll try something different made me feel really happy and valid.

- It was just really mature and understanding on both our parts and I love that so much.

[antigonick]

You will hear thunder and remember me, And think: she wanted storms.

Anna Akhmatova, excerpt of You Will Hear Thunder (via henrydear)

[camoes]

[rinscore]

[12:03AM]

- “God doesn’t want you to be happy, he wants you to be strong.”

- I can’t even blame the alcohol in me because I’m not even drunk but I don’t care so let’s put this out there: my toxic trait is that I’m in a constant competition with everyone. Blame it on an inferiority or superiority complex but I hate myself to the point where I want to be better than everyone else, does that make sense? 

- I’ve been talked down on my entire life and told that I’m deserving of nothing and worth even less than that which is why there’s always a part of me that wants to be better than anyone I come into contact with.

- I feel like my entire existence is carrying on solely based off of me being petty and vengeful. One of the main reasons I haven’t offed myself yet is because I want to see how great I can be and spit in everyone else’s faces. 

- Is that fucked up? Probably. Most definitely. I want them to eat their words. I want them to look me and think, “oh fuck, how am I supposed to compete with that?”

- Maybe this is the alcohol but fuck everyone. Who has my back? Who has been in my corner from the get go? No one. All I have is myself and god, I wish I had this mentality all the fucking time.

- If I wasn’t so riddled with my overthinking and my anxiety and my depression and my fucking mother

- If I was in this state of mind 24/7 then maybe I’d be a lot further than I am right now

- I deserve to be further than I am right now. I deserve to be greater than I am right now. Don’t I? Haven’t I gone through enough? Haven’t I been beaten down enough? Haven’t I worked hard enough?

- If only I stopped giving a fuck about everyone and what they think and what they say, I’d be in a better place.

- God doesn’t want you to be happy, he wants you to be strong. And god, I wish I was like this on a daily basis. 

- Can you imagine? I’m so nice and patient and understanding and empathetic with everyone and for what? Who does that for me? All everyone does is put me in a box and I let them and for fucking what? Because I don’t want them to judge me? I don’t want them to stop loving me? To prevent them from getting tired of me?

- Why should I care? Why do I keep caring? 

- All I have is myself. I need to stop forgetting that.

[uncoverinq]

[jca-archive]

TOKYO/ÉTRANGE RÉFLEXION by Jean d’Hugues

[rinscore]

[2:18AM]

- Thinking about how I fall asleep every night to asmr videos where they say I’m doing a good job or they love me or everything will be okay because I feel as if I’ve gone a majority of my life without hearing those phrases and I’m becoming more and more of a shell of a person.

- Also thinking about how my mother is probably right and everyone I love will leave me eventually because I’m not worth sticking around with anyways. 

- I hate the week before my period because my emotions always get that much more fucked up and my self-hatred is amplified by a thousand. 

- I could die right now but all that would do is cause more problems for people. Do you know how hard it is to plan/pay for a funeral? Especially with the way everything is going on right now. I’d just be leaving this world the same way I entered it; as a fucking mistake.