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i had fun yesterday .. a cookout , dancing and sober smiles . it's about learning to have clean fun & it's possible .

happy fourth 🔥

" comes the dawn "

after a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid flight after a while you learn that even sunshine burn if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers and you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and learn with every goodbye you learn 🔥

lifting the limits 🙏🏽

i just got off restriction yesterday and made it to my first outside meeting . it's been a while and it felt good . i took my sponsors suggestions and refused to leave that meeting without two numbers of women with more time than me . i got up and got my chip and am accepting that this is a new beginning for me . there are feelings i just don't want to feel but I'm dealing with them and situations i just haven't had closure with yet but it's not time . my daily goal is to take it one moment at a time and prayer has been so important to get me through . i get so focused on the pain that i can't see clearly and act accordingly so i pray through the pain and call my sponsor or another recovering addict for advice and find relief . no one said this would be easy and it's not supposed to be . ive just simply had enough pain and am ready to do the work . whatever it takes . willing to do anything and everything in order to be restored to sanity . today im grateful for life and another chance to have one . 🔥 when i keep my eyes on God i don't focus so much on the pain

#painwillend #believe #stayfocused #onedayatatime #onemomentatatime

another day , in the program . limited time on the phone but it's better that way . with access to the outside world in early recovery i find a way to put myself through more pain and trying to fix the problems i caused and lies i told when using . one day at a time focusing on me first is the only way i can expect to be better and face life on life's terms when the time is right . stay in the day and accept responsibility for your own life .. 🔥

remove the mask .. 06.09.2017

relapse is a part of recovery right ? but it doesn’t have to be .. it’s an epidemic in this world and people are dying everyday , but that doesn’t always stop the addict’s urge to use . im not only an addict , but im a liar and im not even completely sure who i really am or who i want to be . what i do know is that dishonesty is what keeps me out there in the midst of the wildfire causing more injury to myself . it was time to start over .. and from the beginning . detox on 06.01.2017 , TC on 06.06.2017 and here I am to be still , be patient and work on me . im leaving behind the distractions no matter how painful and making a commitment to myself for once . 8 days clean .. a grateful heart , support that hasn’t yet turned their backs on me and the gift of life . 👂🏽listen & keep an open mind ✍🏾 step work 🗣 speak up when your darkest desires burn deep 👉🏽 take suggestions & 🙏🏽 pray

🔥 be the message , spread life

#notforhumanconsumption #saynotodrugs #humilty #behumble #nevergiveup #where im at today #honestyisthekey #maskoff

be the message .

value yourself . accepting who I am was easier than loving that same person . I find myself convinced there’s always a better way to enhance my look , my life , my body , my perspective . what it all comes down to is I’m looking for a change in how I feel . seeking this unrealistic satisfaction that the outward can’t give me because it’s found within … And in all honesty I’m not sure I’ve found that yet . There’s this power in choice and decision that I think is overlooked . if there’s one thing on I’m holding onto right now it’s the fact that every decision I set in motion has an outcome , a consequence . should probably be common sense , right ? well when I realized that the future lies completely in my own hands something clicked . so what now ? more will be revealed I suppose .. I discover who I am and what I want more everyday .

currently : I’m working like a slave and I want a promotion . actually , I enjoy my job .. maybe just a little too much . but I am able to say I deserve a raise at least . also , I’m on step four . writing my list of resentments . 😈 I hope to get through this because there’s a nice empty white lined space that is just waiting for me to write YOUR name in it . so I suggest everybody treads fuckn lightly . self centered much ? I guess that’s the purpose of this work right .. to see y our part … so in the meantime . I just take it one single step at a time . don’t ever give up . @

to have that one person by your side when you feel you deserve nothing .. im ever so grateful .

so , a lot can happen in so little time right ? i graduated my program , im back in training due to a job promotion and my daughter is in the hands of her evil grandmother due to the courts giving her full custody . im clean , yet life is still going to happen the way it wants to . not using a drink or drug to mask my feelings today wont change the consquences of my past , right ? my life will get better but ultimately its still a decision i have the right to make that wont change my past only my future . my little brother found me on fb today . oh , the wonders of technology . to sum up the history of this situation is that i was adopted and 25 years later i get to have my first ever conversation with my brother . as small as it might seem to some , for an addict like me NOTHING happens when im using . NOTHING ! so these opportunities im able to take and make something of it . i wont let fear drive my life today , and its my responsibility to take action .

- where’s iyanla or dr. phil when you need ‘em ?

pray meditate be of service read literature call two other addicts do step work & call sponsor live it & succeed . 🔥

❄

the brave man is not he who does not feel afraid , but he who conquers that fear - unknown

so i havent been in the mood to write lately . a bit of complacency maybe and pushing myself beyond my limits can be exhausting . its so easy to get lost in yourself and yearn for the a life not only free of drugs but free of the work recovery requires . life gets real when you least expect it .. sad news this morning was shared with me on my way to work . the disease won the battle yet again but this time it just so happened to be my brother who didnt make it .. how quickly your world can deflate and all around me all ive been so worried about seems so unimportant now . do i want to use ? no , but im reminded why its so important to stay vigilant , grounded & focused . it takes a village and getting connected makes all the difference in the world . when i felt broken i had friends in the program to lift me up and be of support . simply offering their shoulder and willing to lend an ear . the program isnt my whole life but it makes me fully whole . - and that glimmer of light that was at the end of the tunnel .. turned out to be me ...

in such little time so much has changed . my life , the way i think & act , my choices . looking back 10 mo and 25 days ago , i was sitting in my kitchen handcuffed to a chair half naked and dope sick ! my house had just been raided and i had finally been cornered . there was no way out of the mess i had created and got lost in . i may have had a moment of clarity as i looked around what was once my apartment and had become just another place to lay up in and get high . the emptyness this place displayed couldnt even compare to the emptyness in my soul . living in the guilt in shame of my wrongdoings and my mistakes were killing me more than the drugs . i had been skipping out on probation for months at this point and wasnt ready to face all i had been putting off . i was going to have to face the dissapointment in my familys eyes and all the people that had been fighting for me make it . i had once again done what i did best which was spit in the face of all that i loved and fell off the face of the earth to leave them wondering if i was dead or alive . life got real , real quick , as i did the walk of shame from the 3rd floor of my apartment building and into the cruiser . i must have barely been 100 lbs. soak and wet . when i stepped outside it started to snow . a sign ? bad timing maybe . this was the end of the road for me i thought , but the beginning of my journey . 🔥 and i am still traveling through ..

" i have insecurities , of course , but i dont hang out with anyone who points them out to me . " - adele

staff : *says sarcastically* " excuse me .. dont move , im not trying to get by ! " *squeezes behind chair i have pulled out all the way to the wall* me: *in daydream* " oh im sorry ! i was busy thinking this wasnt my life and i wasnt actually here . its been one of those days where i cant seem to get out of my head . is this really my life ? 26 , in another halfway house trying to repair what ive completely destroyed .. ( still counting the days until i graduate ) . heres the thing , in no way has my life ever been "normal ." ive just become great at making it appear that way in order to fit in to a society where we all have issues anyway ! the skills ive aquired in the street should have me invincible in the real world .. at least i thought that would be the case . instead im broke & im broken , trying to fight against the occasional want to say fuck it in exchange for the need to stay sober . i do what i can to hold on to my seat but this recovery thing is a lifelong process . where do you begin to accept that ? when do you stop being envious of those who do illegal shit recreationally and still participate in their own life ? maybe you dont .. so in the mean time i take the suggestions the program offers and take life in 24 hour increments since tomorrow is never promised . but if i die .. i die trying and wanting better for myself . 🔥 ... but if i die , ill die wanting better for myself .

" i wear my chaos on the inside where no one can see it . "

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