Footnote - a benlos oneshot inspired by Conan Gray
Carlos is in love with Ben. Its not an opinion, its a fact. Everyone knows this, including Ben.
There's only one problem though, the feelings aren't mutual. Ben loves Carlos, but only as a friend. No one knows this, except Carlos. They're best friends, they spend every minute together, you never see Ben without Carlos by his side and vice versa. It's no ones fault that everyone thinks they're together, and neither one ever corrects them.
It hurts, both knowing that Ben doesn't love him the way he does and that everyone else assumes he does. He doesn't let it get in the way of his friendship though, he never will. Yeah, it hurts but that's reality. It's not like the novels, no 'Pride and Prejudice' at all.
Carlos is in love with Ben, but he doesn't act on it. He knows how Ben feels, and he will never cross that line.
Ben knows that Carlos is in love with him, he's known since high school. He doesn't know if Carlos knows that though since the first time Carlos did confess to him was in their first year of college. They've known each other since freshman year of high school, the two shared a couple of classes and decided to become friends. They became inseparable ever since.
It was their junior year when Ben started to realize Carlos had a crush on him, and he didn't really mind. If anything, he thought it was cute. He never confronted him about it, he didn't want to make him uncomfortable. So he waited, but Carlos never said anything. Eventually he forgot, until their senior year.
Their senior year was coming to an end, and everyone was throwing parties to celebrate. There was a party on the beach, and both boys showed up together. As the party continued, they were eventually separated. Ben was dragged away by his jock friends, and Carlos by his dance friends. When the two eventually found their way back to each other, it was dark and the stars were out.
The two didn't say anything to each other, they found a spot a good enough distance from the party and sat down. They didn't say anything for awhile, they just looked at the stars together. It was a comfortable silence, the two could always communicate without having to say a word to each other.
Both boys had a bit of alcohol that night, but Ben was the more sober one between the two as Carlos had also gotten high with his friends. Ben could feel Carlos staring at him, and so he turned to look at him.
"You're beautiful, Ben," Carlos whispered, he didn't look away.
Ben smiled, but before he could return the compliment, Carlos spoke again.
Ben continued to smile, but he felt sad in away. He knows Carlos is intoxicated, but he also knows Carlos meant it. He knows that this 'I love you' is different than the other ones they've said to each other. This one isn't meant in a platonic way, but in a romantic way instead. He feels sad because he loves his friend, but he doesn't love him.
Carlos never knew it happened, and Ben never brought it up. So the two graduated and left for college, together. The two decided their sophomore year that they would go to college together, and luckily for them, they got into the same school. As first years, they had to room in the college dorms, but unfortunately they didn't end up being roommates. That somehow ended up bringing them closer than ever. The school year started, and they met new people and had different friend groups, but that never stopped them from seeing each other. Their new friends met the other, and they got used to always seeing the two together.
Finals came up, and the two didn't see each other much as they were too busy studying. While studying for finals, Carlos had a lot of time to think about Ben and his feeling towards him. He had decided that after finals were over with, he would tell him how he felt.
So finals were over, and the two decided two met up at a party one of the off campus fraternities was hosting. They hugged as if it was the first time in years when they finally found each other in the crowd. And so their night began, they talked, drank, and danced with each other and with their friends. The night was going well, the perfect way to destress after all the tests and assignments they just had.
The nigh progressed and the two decided it was time to leave. They said their goodbyes to their friends, and left. Neither had a car at the moment, so they had to walk back to campus. They didn't mind though, they both loved going on long walks at night. The noise from the party died down once they were both a good enough distance. It was silent, a comfortable silence. One they were comfortable with and loved.
Carlos was deep in thought, contemplating if now was the perfect time to confess how he felt. 'Now or never' he thought, and so he did.
"I like you," He doesn't stop to look at Ben, he continues walking or else he'll take it back.
"I like you more than a friend. I always have, and it's okay if you don't feel the same." He finally stopped walking, but didn't look back.
"Sober up." Nothing in Ben's tone told Carlos how he felt, but it still stung.
"Why would I lie? It's so clear I'm in love with you."
Carlos didn't mean to say that, at least that's what he told himself but it came out too quick to be an accident. He finally turned around to face Ben, this was a conversation to be had facing each other.
"I like someone else." Carlos didn't let that get to him, he was always there when Ben had a crush on someone and it never lasted.
"If I waited, could that maybe help?" Ben wished he could say yes, but he knew better.
"Patience won't change how I feel."
It hurt Ben to say, and it hurt Carlos to hear.
That night didn't change anything, they walked back to campus and wished each other a good nights rest. Life continued for the two and that was for the best. They were in each others life and that's all Carlos wanted. It was like that night never happened.
Except, it did happen. It happened and Carlos can't forget it. He tries to ignore the ache in his heart whenever Ben is near him, when he initiates physical contact, or even when he thinks of him. Ben is his friend, his best friend, and that will never change. No matter how much it hurts, it won't change. He'll learn to get over it, but that will always be easier said than done.
They were in their third year of school when they decided to finally move in together instead of staying in the dorms. Things were better now, Carlos felt like he was starting to move on and he was happy with that. They were back in their hometown, the two were in Ben's childhood room packing up his stuff. It was late at night and they were drinking. They were finally twenty one and could legally drink, so they decided why not drink a few beers as they packed?
It was nice, until it wasn't.
"I met someone, she's from our hometown and goes to school with us." The ache was back.
"That's nice, I'm happy for you."
After that, life moved on too fast for them. They were in their last year of college, only a couple of months left until they had to go out into the 'real world'.
"After we're done with school, we're moving." Carlos stared at the coffee in front of him, they were in his favorite coffee shop. All three of them.
"We're moving to New York!" She squeezed Ben's arm to control her excitement, and Carlos raised his gaze towards the two of them. She was a carbon copy of Carlos, even she knew it.
"You hate the East Coast." Carlos knows he shouldn't have said it, he should've congratulated them and moved on. He couldn't help himself though.
"He says he hates a lot of things, but he doesn't. He said he hates olives, but the other day I saw him eating them off your salad. He's so odd, but that's what I love about him." She pinches his cheek before kissing it, but Ben doesn't react.
"Carlos hates them, and so I eat them so they don't go to waste." Carlos smiles at that, and that's his first genuine smile since he arrived at the cafe.
"You guys are perfect together! Makes me miss my best friend even more, I should call her !" She gets up from her seat, gives Ben another kiss on the cheek and heads towards the bathrooms. It's the two of them alone now for the first time in awhile. It silent between the two, but this time it doesn't feel comfortable like before.
"I'm sorry." Ben says after a minute, the two are looking at one another and there's pain behind both their eyes.
"You have nothing to be sorry about." Carlos knows why, but he rather it not be said out loud.
"I want you to know that I want you in my life, from now until forever. You're my best friend," Carlos wanted him to stop talking, to stop everything from happening. "I know things have been weird lately, but I need you to know that."
Carlos looks at Ben, he's known him long enough to know when Ben is being sincere. He means every word he's saying, but there's something else. There will always be something else behind his words. He just doesn't know what.
"I know and I do too. I'll stop being pretentious, and loathing our friendship. It'll take awhile, but I'm sure one day we'll go back to how it used to be." He means what he says, but it still feels like a lie.
It hurts knowing that Ben doesn't love him the way he does. He let it get in the way of his friendship though, and that's no ones fault but his own.
It's just like the novels, side characters end up alone.
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