Dear City.
Dear CT, I am writing to you in this format because I believe this has been and always will be the best possible way for us to communicate to each other: through text. I've always found it peculiar how this is the best way for us to express ourselves in a very intimate and deep way. Not through the usual face-to-face encounters that people usually go through, but by pen-and-paper, or in this case: digital ink. But really, that's not what I'm writing about. I'm hoping that, through this text, I will be able to tell you why my mind, body, and heart won't let go of the tie that bonds me to you. I'm relaying a constant stream of textual consciousness in this letter in the hope that the answer will reveal its true nature. Why can't I let go of you? Honestly, there are a great number of ways, some of them I'm too scared to say out loud because it will sound selfish, superficial, and shallow. But isn't that the reason I'm writing this? Now here it is. The initial reason why I can't let go of you was because you made me feel something that I haven't felt in such a long time. You made me feel genuine happiness, happiness that made the muscles of my mouth turn into a smile. Happiness whose chemicals coursed through my veins like some kind of addiction that came back with a vengeance. I wanted that again. I wanted the chemicals, the endorphins that came when you were in love and happy with the person that you desired so early on. You were outlet, just as much as my previous relationship was. None of the other women that I've encountered after my ex gave me such a feeling. Only you did. You made me happy again. The second reason was what you said originally. When you initially pushed me away, you told me that only mature and understanding people stay in your life even when you pushed them away. That if I let you push me away and I stopped chasing after you, I would be neither mature nor understanding. That riled me up. I defied that statement. When I heard that, my subconscious pushed me to fight for you no matter how much you pushed me away. No matter how much you said we weren't going to work out. That's why I kept coming back regardless of the common sense and logical opinion stating that it's more likely not to happen because of the circumstances we were in. I'm a fighter. I fight for causes and desires no matter how poor the situation is. My mentality and stubborn nature towards these things have presented me with both heartbreak and blessings. I wanted so badly for us to at least try things out because you never know what might happen. And because you challenged me. The third reason, and this is a very selfish reason. You, CT, were and still are my Instagram crush. That was how I first saw you, as a picture on my phone. I'm a very superficial motherfucker. I'll admit it. I was drawn by your beauty. I didn't think anything of it at first, just noticed the amount of mutual friends that we have even though we have never met each other face to face. And then it happened. We met each other. I had a blast hanging out with you and got to know more about your personality. Holy shit, you were amazing. I wanted to keep talking to you but you got busier as time went on so our communication fell off the grid for a bit. And then December hit. We met up again. And it was like a resurgence of feelings for me. We got to really know each other on a deeper level: our views on life, love, relationships, and each other. I told you I liked you. I laid my ego on the line, not really caring about it because I wanted to be open to you. You took in stride. Ate it up. I was happy. We started to know each other more. The other side of our personalities, the part we usually don't reveal to other people. It caused you to push away from me. Because of your quirks and our habits. There were red flags on both of our ends. But I didn't care. I wanted you. And I couldn't let go of you. No matter what anyone else said. Or explained. Or showed. You are my Instagram crush. You were the cute girl that everyone had eyes for but no one dared approach. I was the goofy kid with a broken heart and a fuck-it mentality. I asked you out. And you said yes. I was in heaven. Then reality came crashing in like a storm. But I was determined to weather it for my ego. And now I'm getting burned by it and by time. CT, you are my right-girl-wrong-time. If I wasn't moving to a different place so soon, I definitely believed something could've happened. Maybe you did too. You said something to that degree. You are a complicated person, and sometimes difficult to manage. But in my book, you were worth it. We just didn't have enough time. "I just don't know what you want and I don't really want to spend my new year gaining feelings for someone whose going to leave." You said that. That hurt a lot. Not because you said that, but because it's true. I know I want you but I also know that I am going to leave soon. I can tell that you definitely are not fond of long-distance relationships. I wish you were because I definitely would have given it a shot. I need to let you go. I need to stop falling for you so goddamn hard and fast. I need to stop doing that in general. But I can't with you. You are a gem, CT. You are rough around the edges but you are a bright soul that I wished I could've been exposed more to. You showed me a great amount of things and ideas to think about. Your writing eloquence is something that I can't get enough of. You have a way with words in writing that is addicting because of how concise your thoughts are on paper. I'll miss your presence. I hope to one day be enveloped in it again. In the future. Hopefully. Lovingly, RL
