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When I was younger I remember my mother telling me how nobody would want to be friends with somebody with depression. All id do was bring them down. I just. I want friends I want to talk to people but. I'm. I'm sorry my depression has hit me hard recently I'm. I'm sorry if that makes me so broken I don't deserve anybody.

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I can't. I'm. I'm so talentless I'm so forgetful I'm so stupid everything hurts everything just hurts I can't draw I can't make people happy I'm not good at anything I'm not im not important I'm not im not im not

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You people say you care but where are you!!!!!!! Where the fuck are you!!!!!!! What am I?! What the fuck am I?! NO ITS FINE ITS FINE I MEAN I NEED FUCKING HELP BECAUSE I CANT ASK MY MOM FOR COUNSELING BUT BUT FUCK IT LIKE HONESTLY FUCK IT IF SOMEBODY ELSE WAS HAVING THIS PROBLEM I GUARANTEE SOMEBODY ELSE WOULD SHOW UP GOD I JUST I NEED FUCKING HELP I TRY BUT NOBODY THERE HELPS ME AND PROBABLY NOBODY NOTICED I LEFT

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I can't do this I can't fucking do this I want to slice my wrists and just fucking end it already nobody fucking cares I'm invisible I'm trying so hard and nothing is helping I just. I'd be better off dead because then could live their lives and wouldn't have to worry about the fucking disgusting mess I am

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I feel like I should just bleed to death. This way I wouldn't have to give this horrible fucking speech tomorrow, then I wouldn't destroy people with how much fucking reassurance I need, the world wouldn't have to deal with me. I wouldn't have to deal with me. I feel like people would be much happier. The child my mother lost before it was even born should be here instead of me. Somebody else should have the chance to exist, not some anxiety-ridden 17 year old that can't even look people in the eye that cries every time somebody makes them feel important. I. I just. Want. To stop. Being. Afraid. I'm so scared. I'm so scared and all I can think about is how many people I've made hate me, how many people I burden, and how lovely it would be to see myself bleed. I'm sorry.

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I guess the really fucked up thing about self harm is that it actually works. Like. It works. I'm gonna perfectly honest. I'm not gonna bullshit it or sugarcoat it. It works. It may be for a week, an hour, 30 seconds, but it works. And that is what makes it terrifying. Is it worth adding a new scar for 30 seconds of release? When you know that time will soon be up and you'll be stuck scrambling for band-aids? When that 30 seconds is up you're stuck crying in an abusive circle of guilt that eventually comes around again where you find yourself having to create more scars because you fear feeling. Anything but pain. Because at least when you do it you're in charge of the pain. Do I miss it? No. Was the relief fake though? I wouldn't call it fake. Empty maybe, but not fake. It lied. It was wrong, but it wasn't fake. I don't know where I'm going with this

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I'm sorry I'm sorry I have the urge to hurt myself I'm sorry that I'm dwelling on what somebody did to me today I'm sorry I got excited I'm sorry I was excited for honor band I'm sorry I can't hear well because I'm sicker than a goddamn dog I'm sorry I'm scared to say anything I'm sorry that people felt the need to talk about me secretly I'm sorry I'm a monster I'm sorry I didn't mean to be I didn't mean to exist I didn't ask to I didn't want to I'm scared I'm causing so many people misery because right now I feel like I am and I just I just want to feel involved in something Because I. I don't. But I can't say anything because I don't. I don't deserve it. I hurt people. I'm no different than my sister or HER and. I. I just wanted to make people happy. I'm sorry I'm so broken that I didn't see the damage I do when I get close to people.

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This is really dumb to be upset about but this person sometimes responds to posts when I'm asleep and I!!! I don't know what to do!!! Do I respond??? But then they aren't on and!!! I don't mean to ignore them but!!!! How can I possibly respond to them when they are on so late and go through posts from way earlier in the day???!!!!???

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I'm not important that nobody would even say morning I want to leave but nobody would notice I'm gone anyway I just want attention

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Make yourself bleeeeed make yourself bleed make yourself bleed bleed bleed leT YOURSELF BLEED LET YOURSELF BLEEEED WHO NEEDS BLOOD BLEED BLEED BLEEEED

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Me: reads I was overlooked and the person just passed it off as nothing lolololoooollllllll* Me: *starts crying*

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T_T

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It's so selfish of me to be thinking of myself right now but I can't stop crying and I. I. I'm such a horrible person I just want to help people and I can't I can't do it

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Idk I'm upset because this person is probably the person doing the most overlooking and yet they don't really I don't know

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I don't. I don't know what to do. I need to edit my essay. I need to write a paragraph on my bio lab and edit my graphs because I somehow managed to fuck those up too. Just having people mention the "four day weekend" makes me nauseous like I'm trying to convince myself I'll be okay on Friday because for some reason I keep getting these thoughts I'm gonna die or they're going to end up breaking my jaw for some god awful reason and I just want people at school to at least pretend I'm there I only talk to people in band and at lunch and then there's people on here and I feel guilty when I can't help people I feel guilty for being me why can't I actually be somebody I don't know who I am I feel like my personality is so inconsistent and rude and. I feel so unnecessary. Am I supposed to be here? Was that miscarriage before my sister supposed to be here instead? I constantly have to question what I'm supposed to be doing or if I'm in the right spot I can't just relax I can't function I couldn't take my drive because the road was blocked off from them harvesting corn and I just I just. I feel. Confused. And scared.

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That moment when there's a kin chat going on about what bothers them but somebody is kin with Jasp/er Ugh.

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Hey. Can I get noticed? Perhaps? Maybe? No? Alright.