Rating Scream 5 characters by how stupid they are:
Sam Carpenter/daddy issues 4/10: Sam was a great character liked her whole vibe she was only stupid because she put her trust in a white man who was not Dewey. I know damn well if I was dating someone for 6 months I am not trusting them at all. She should have knocked his damn ass out in the basement especially if you accusing my sister who got stabbed 7 times and got a broken ankle of murdering people. Like how is that even logical????? Also idk bout y’all but if a killer called me saying either save your sister or a man you only known for 6 months imma say kill that man. I barley even know him like that the hell kind of a choice is that.
Teresa Carpenter/how did you not die/babadook 2/10: She was a smart ass character. The only truly dumb thing she did was in the beginning of the movie when she was gunna run out her damn house to save her “friend”. Also once again if that was me it was nice knowing you. I ain’t really know you like that. She did have a weapon tho so I give credit for that and also rejecting the phone call in the beginning. But to keep talking to a random ass voice on the phone could not be me. I would have been like ok and hung up. Also leaving her hospital room and hiding while also trying to get the officers gun even though it was taken that’s some great moves good for her. Her also cursing out a killer is top tier comedy. She was like “if imma die then imma at least get the last word”.
Richie/cradle robber/Billy wannabe 7/10: he actually is relativity smart. His motive for a better movie was wack as hell. Like sir go on A03, fanfiction.net hell even wattpadd if you starving for some content my boy. Bully the movie producers like people did with sonic. You don’t gotta go down the whole murder route. But overall I gave him a 7 cause his motive is stupid and the fact he accused a girl who can barley walk and was stabbed several times of murder. Like sir you coulda picked anyone and there mother but you pick the girl who literally got hospitalized???? Also I knew he was the killer as soon as he made that face when Dewey shot the other killer.
Vince/purple car/probs a sex offender 10/10: if you car magically turned on by itself what would you do? If you didn’t answer leave the area immediately I’m sorry you are also stupid. I woulda walked my ass straight back into the bar and told them to call the cops cause I ain’t playing with that shit.
Liv/forever Virgin 6/10: if she would have stayed her ass outside with her boyfriend who was bleeding out she would not have gotten her silly ass shot. Also I wouldn’t even be offended if my boyfriend was cautious with a murderer going around like sis you need your priority’s straight.
Wes/not craven 5/10: the most cautious of all the characters. If you woulda opened that door it could have saved you (maybe). I’d carry that taser around with me like it’s a third hand. Shower? Taser. Eating? Taser. Shitting? Taser. I will not be caught lacking.
Mindy/genderbent randy/token gay 2/10: she would have made the homeboy randy PROUD. When she’s on the couch and has that “oh shit” moment of realization. Funny thing is this goes back to scream 4 where they said the only way to survive is to be gay and boom there she is in her gay glory.
Chad/himbo 3/10: he seemed like a sweet guy and listened to his sister when she said bring a weapon. Was caught lacking tho cause I would not go out into the darkness. Girlfriend or not. He also had a point bout the sex thing cause I too would not want to be caught dick and balls out.
Amber/she hulk/ Stu but crazier 10/10: now basically what I said for Richie is the same for her however her shooting liv was A) the funniest thing ever and b) she pulled her hand out too quickly. She coulda milked the whole “who is the killer” trivia a bit longer. That’s why she gets a higher score. But also can we please talk about how fucking strong sis is. Literally was able to kill and severely injure 2 grown ass men. Yes Dewey is partially disabled but she still overpowered him and Chad was also a football player and she took him down no problem. Like I’m pretty sure she had to be on crack or something because she has some Michael Myers strength. She got shot like 5 times and was set on fire and she STILL came back. The only person that took her down the first time was with a crutch like what the fuck is up with that. Also if you though stu acted crazy in the first movie this chick out crazies him in more ways than one.
Sheriff Hicks/aka there’s a knife in my gut 7/10: listen honestly I understood where she is coming from her sons in danger and she’s not thinking like a cop she’s thinking like a mom. The only reason why I gave her a high rating is because she was going full force into this house with no back up and no idea where the killer is. Cops are trained to be aware of there surroundings not to go full kamikaze especially when she didnt even have her gun on her. She should have waited for back up to get there. Also to be stabbed in broad ass daylight like how did no one see that????
Woodsboro police/waste of tax payer money 20/10: nah dead ass where are these people???? Like if your sheriff is telling you get your ass somewhere why does it take 20 years for you to come???? Ghostface literally had time to stab the absolute crap outta Hicks fuck around in her house and then kill her son. Like how far away is this police station??? Also the cop that left his station in the hospital and none of the other cops followed Sam when she was like this bitch going after my sister. Like how did y’all becomes cops. Like I know the written test is not hard but my god y’all got the iq of 3 combined.
Sidney/never fuck with the original/milf 0/10: queen and icon. I headcanon she named one of her kids Tatum cause she was a queen as well. She only got like 10 mins of screen time but she ate all of them up. Her and gale the best duo ever especially when they know amber was full of shit. She wasn’t even put off seeing her deranged ex’s kid and still wanted to help her. Always and forever will be my number one final girl.
Gale/I don’t got a quip for this one 0/10: she got her revenge for Dewey and also kinda set a bitch on fire. Her and sid just staring like 😑 “die faster” was sending me. But also her saying she won’t write a book about this event but she will about Dewey broke me bro.
Dewey/NO MY BOY 4/10: honestly after all the shit his body has been through I really thought he was gunna make it cause it seemed like a minor flesh wound. Well for him at least…..He was dumb for just not getting into the elevator like I get where your coming from to aim for the head but sir do you not remember scream 3 when ya shot SIds bro in the chest multiple times and he was still kicking. RIP Homie lost but never forgotten. You’ll get to see Tatum again.
Billy/whore 0/10: he’s dead I can’t call him stupid cause he ain’t even there. He was a good father kinda when trying to tell your daughter to slit some fucking throats which honestly better than my dad so. He also got Sam to go on like a stabbing ass rampage and I was just sitting there going “good for her”. But he a hoe for cheating on sid. Well also the murder part is bad too but you get what I mean.
Overall the movie was excellent and I think it does the franchise justice. But they didn’t have my boy Mathew Lillard in it which is a crime in on itself….
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