AjS ✮

18. he/they. freaky queer. “A guard dog with a death wish”

[rocknrollsuicidevictim]

Robert Mapplethorpe, 1973.

[irishf1a]

Graham coxon as dogs

[rocknrollsuicidevictim]

Forcemasc but it’s just me trying to put my stupid ass best friend in his place.

My best friend and I are both transmascs but we’re very different. I’m small and lanky and he’s just so big and muscular and traditionally masculine. Either way, whenever we see each other we like to “play it rough”, y’know like dogs or “boys will be boys” type shit, which is just a nice way of saying we tend to physically fight each other A LOT. I obviously never stand a chance, him being double my size and all. I still fight him every time for some reason, like I’ll throw the first punch and when he insults me for punching like a pussy I’ll punch harder even though it never hurts him and shit.

The thing is he gets angry pretty fast and always seems to take it out on me. Like when he keeps choking me just a little bit after I told him to stop or when he punches me hard enough to bruise for days (I have one in my arm rn and it hurts just to brush against it).

It was only recently that I realized that he fucking loves to fight me cause it makes him feel more like a man. With everyone else he behaves like a fucking sweetheart but only with me he bares his teeth and fucking bites hard. I think it is because I’m the only one that understands him enough to not leave the second he starts a fight, but also the only one he has an actual chance of winning. It makes me so fucking angry how much of a coward he is and how much he uses me to feel better. Just the other day, when I walked away from one of our “fights” he shouted at me (in front of his gf and all our friends) that I would never be how I wanna be (he meant a “real man” I guess).

So now I wanna shut him the fuck up. I wanna train and work out enough to put up a fight (and not loose every single time like before), I wanna get him on the fucking floor and put my boot on his neck and press hard and pull on his hair and make him apologize. I want to teach him what a “real man” is, none of his “traditional” “normative” bs, but a proud queer trans dude, something he seems to forget he is himself. I want to remind him he just got beat by a fucking faggot and I hope he feels ashamed by it. I’ll make him tell me that I’m a real man and he is just afraid and pathetic and make him swear to never act like that again and make him beg and hopefully cry a little bit until I’m satisfied and until I think he’s got the fucking point.

I would also want to fuck his brains out, but he never had the balls to fuck me when he won our fights (even though he claimed to want to every time, he was a coward even for that) so I don’t think he deserves the consolation prize. Maybe if he behaved next time I’d give it to him, but he’d have to be a very good boy if he wants a treat.

[rocknrollsuicidevictim]

UPDATE

I talked to him last night for the first time since I posted that. I tried to be the better person and communicated with him how his behavior was annoying me and how I was trying to get jacked just to put an end to it. He didn’t seem to care much, he just told me that’s the way he was with everyone (which I know for a fact is not true) and then with the cockiest fucking smile he looked me in the eyes and told me: “either way, idk why you’re getting so worked up about this. Why do you think you love to fight me too? You want to feel like a man just as much as I do. It doesn’t bother you that I’m fighting you to feel like a man, it bothers you that you can’t win”.

God, he was so cocky that I promised him next time I’d make him cry and beg, but he just laughed at me and told me “sure, you try and do that”.

He even told me how much it turned him on to know I was completely defenseless against him. And believe me, with anyone else I would’ve cum right there and then, but with him I couldn’t help but want to prove him wrong.

The rest of the night he spent it hurting me one way or another, proving to me how I stood no chance. He grabbed my arm and twisted it so far back that for a second I thought he had pulled it out of its socket. He kicked me under the table, hard, waiting for a reaction I tried not to give him. He challenged me to arm wrestling matches that I lost within seconds. He grabbed my neck from the back and squeezed hard enough to leave a mark, as he moved me around and shouted “how about that, lad?”. He grabbed me and pushed my face against a car as he made fun of me… All that completely unprompted, it seemed our conversation had sparked something in him.

I tried to fight all these but I’m almost half his weight and nowhere jacked enough to put up a fight so it was useless. Still, I insulted him to try and whip the fucking smirk or his face. I mocked him about everything I knew would bother him, and that just made him beat me harder.

There was a moment in particular in which he pushed me against a wall and started calling me a faggot. He said I was a faggot who kept whining about not winning and getting hurt and having bruises and being a looser. He said this so close to my face, literally chests pressed against each other, noses nearly brushing. I told him I was a faggot and, unlike him, I was ok with it. I told him how the most faggot thing about me was that I wanted to beat him up and have him begging under my boot just because it turned me on. Then he pressed his face against mine, his lips brushing my ear, and said: “well, that’s never gonna happen, is it faggot?”.

A little after that we parted ways. So needles to say now I’m really gonna work out and win the next fight. Jesus, I won’t hold back, just like he does. I’ll fucking punch him in the face and laugh when he bleeds and make him say that I’ve won and he’s lost.

The worst part about all of these is that a part of me knows I’ll never manage to win. That I’ll always be the one that goes home with bruises all over my body (maybe next time even a broken arm or a split lip), and he’ll leave with his fucking cocky smirk and hardly a scratch. And knowing that no matter how much it bothers me, I’ll end up, as always, looking at the marks he left and jerking off to them. I fucking hate him. I wanna fucking beat him up. I wanna fuck him. I wanna win. But I’ll be the one begging under his boot and god I hate it. And I hate the fact that he knows this.

[7drone]

Drummer, Issue 67.

[tankhall]

my teeth are no longer making me evil

[minhamemoriasuja]

captured by P.C.P Fotografie

[baeropsoecksblog]

[baeropsoecksblog]

[opendirectories]

[boitterfly]

you are so sweet/i'm a big dog

half man x big dog - the last dinner party

[retroornot]

[deusben]

yeah ill eat you out (cannibalism)

[petewentz-]

It's fun being queer and weird and unconventional until you remember you live in a society

[retroornot]

[porchlightmoth]

“ethel cain returned to tumblr”

jesus christ resurrected in jerusalem

[medievalsleaze]

ruben leaving alby scarred is so like….you can’t be with anyone i haven’t touched first. you’ll never kiss him without feeling the imprints my fists left. you won’t ever be able to look at him without thinking of me

[rocknrollsuicidevictim]

Forcemasc but it’s just me trying to put my stupid ass best friend in his place.

My best friend and I are both transmascs but we’re very different. I’m small and lanky and he’s just so big and muscular and traditionally masculine. Either way, whenever we see each other we like to “play it rough”, y’know like dogs or “boys will be boys” type shit, which is just a nice way of saying we tend to physically fight each other A LOT. I obviously never stand a chance, him being double my size and all. I still fight him every time for some reason, like I’ll throw the first punch and when he insults me for punching like a pussy I’ll punch harder even though it never hurts him and shit.

The thing is he gets angry pretty fast and always seems to take it out on me. Like when he keeps choking me just a little bit after I told him to stop or when he punches me hard enough to bruise for days (I have one in my arm rn and it hurts just to brush against it).

It was only recently that I realized that he fucking loves to fight me cause it makes him feel more like a man. With everyone else he behaves like a fucking sweetheart but only with me he bares his teeth and fucking bites hard. I think it is because I’m the only one that understands him enough to not leave the second he starts a fight, but also the only one he has an actual chance of winning. It makes me so fucking angry how much of a coward he is and how much he uses me to feel better. Just the other day, when I walked away from one of our “fights” he shouted at me (in front of his gf and all our friends) that I would never be how I wanna be (he meant a “real man” I guess).

So now I wanna shut him the fuck up. I wanna train and work out enough to put up a fight (and not loose every single time like before), I wanna get him on the fucking floor and put my boot on his neck and press hard and pull on his hair and make him apologize. I want to teach him what a “real man” is, none of his “traditional” “normative” bs, but a proud queer trans dude, something he seems to forget he is himself. I want to remind him he just got beat by a fucking faggot and I hope he feels ashamed by it. I’ll make him tell me that I’m a real man and he is just afraid and pathetic and make him swear to never act like that again and make him beg and hopefully cry a little bit until I’m satisfied and until I think he’s got the fucking point.

I would also want to fuck his brains out, but he never had the balls to fuck me when he won our fights (even though he claimed to want to every time, he was a coward even for that) so I don’t think he deserves the consolation prize. Maybe if he behaved next time I’d give it to him, but he’d have to be a very good boy if he wants a treat.

[runboyrun]

you SHOULD.

[rocknrollsuicidevictim]

yessir 🫡🫡🫡