i'm a deeper shade of blue

22 | jobless engineer | melancholic | mostly bangtan

[rockroll123]

You are doing a great job. And if I see it. It is a great feat for you to go straight to a psychiatrist. I am proud of you. You may not see it as a big deal. But having an emotional impact from a death whether or not the person is close to you or not is a big deal. Mental Illness is not something a lot of people would think to admit or accept immediately. And it can hit you in many ways that you don't even realize. So I suggest keep going to a psychiatrist and be open and true to your thoughts.

Thank you. This means a lot to me.

[rockroll123]

Hi

It’s been a while since I posted anything here.

Uhm.

I just went to my first appointment with a psychiatrist. I’m not a Shawol, but Jonghyun’s death has been a trigger for me, especially his letter. I’m so sorry for bringing this up again after 3 months, but please understand the impact is also huge for me who was not even a fan of him.

So, today, my first appointment. It went quick. I mentioned about Jonghyun’s death, but didn’t mention it’s him. Told my doctor that I have bad thoughts, I have an idea of killing myself but never did it actively, just wonder how will it be if I’m gone. I never cut myself, just scratched my arm when I’m upset and bit my nails. Clinically, he said I have depression and he prescribed me some medication.

And I’m scared.

I’m scared of taking it. I’m scared of going back to him in two weeks. What if I don’t have depression? What if I’m just overreacting? What if there’s nothing wrong with me? What if this is a false diagnosis?

I’m freaking out. I panicked before I met him that I almost cried, and then I literally had a breakdown at the hospital’s lobby, calling my friend who encouraged me to go. I still think that going to see a freakin psychiatrist is a big deal, and I might have the smallest problems in the world.

I’m seriously freaking out that I wanna throw up right now. All 5 of my friends that know about my problem said I should be proud of myself for going, but why do I feel like it shouldn’t be this big of a deal?

Please tell me I did the right thing today. Tell me I did a good job.

[rockroll123]

I’ve been trying to talk to some friends these past few weeks that I’m mot functioning well. My friend who’s a doctor said that I might suffer from psychosomatic and maybe more, she wanted me to go to psychiatrist.

Today, I snapped at my friend at work and she asked me why. I tried telling her, but not the whole thing. Just said I might have psychosomatic and I’m so stressed. I mean how could I say to someone so openly that I wanna jump in front of a moving train? And she kinda brushed it off like...”you need to learn to control your emotion, it’s probably just your diet, you need to meditate, stop complaining, etc”. She didn’t say it in a bad way. But....it makes me down, even until hours later. When she said that through text, I scratched myself out of....I don’t know what.

I asked my other friends who know about these bad thoughts of mine, if it’s just me overreacting, if it’s just me can’t handle the pressure, if it’s just me finding an excuse that something is wrong with me and nothing else, that I should be perfectly capable of handling the stress. They said that people react to stresses differently, people handle stresses differently. She might be right, but she might be wrong.

But at this point, the only thing in my mind is that I’m not mature enough to fight the world.

It’s just really sad.

No one understands.

[jiminrolls]

happy birthday to the most precious angel, taehyung!

[mimibtsghost]

HAPPY NEW YEAAAAR!!!

[rockroll123]

Guys, I’m still trying to fix myself. Jonghyun’s death really triggered me. Although I wasn’t a fan before, but it’s affecting me in some way.

For those who are still mourning, go on and mourn. For those who are ready to move on, it’s okay to move on but just don’t push others to walk in the same pace as you.

Be strong everyone :)

[yoonminsy-deactivated20180822]

Please remember Jonghyun for the kind man he was, here’s him visiting a fan at her work because she was struggling :( ❤️

[rockroll123]

I kinda finally told my friend this morning that “sometimes I wish I die”. She blew up my phone with texts. My other friend who’s a doctor asked me to hang out after work out of the blue, most probably cause my friend told her about my words.

It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s scary. I’ve been crying over the smallest things. My boss caught me crying and I didn’t want to tell her what’s bothering me, a guy in my team put a screen protector on my phone and I cried for his kindnes, some of my team are leaving to Singapore and I cried too cause I’ll be alone next week. I gues they’re all worried and it’s really scary.

I don’t know why I can’t tell them what’s up. But it’s really tiring.

[bellahijadelaluna]

You’re not over exaggerating. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not too much. If it hurts you it fucking hurts you. If it makes you angry, then it makes you angry. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling.

[rockroll123]

Honestly these are the words I really need to hear right now. I’ve been so devastated these days, I started smoking, I’m thinking about going to therapist and getting some help, I have mood swings and anxieties and I feel like it’s just getting worse throughout the years. It’s not the worst like what other people feel, but this feeling has been here since I was in high school. And I kept trying to think that it’s nothing, and I’m just overreacting you know. I thought I just need to be more grateful. I’m always the dramatic one.

Jonghyun’s news really hit me hard. I was at work when my friend told me. At first, I didn’t react cause I had things to do. But once I was on my way back home on the train, I cried really hard.

I didn’t know him personally. I never listened to his songs. But I also never imagined someone’s passing who was never a family can affect me this much. I am afraid of staying strong and ignoring what I feel.

I was telling my friend after that that I wanna see someone for help. She asked what kind of someone, I said medical doctors, and she asked what kind of doctors, am I hurting somewhere, am I okay? But I couldn’t say it to her that it’s not a normal doctor for physical pain. I was afraid. I am afraid. She pushed me to tell her, she said I was worrying her with the way I talked. Then, I just left her to sleep.

I always think it’s easier in social media, cause you all don’t know me. It’s easier to be me, to say I’m happy and excited about something and to say I’m depressed about my life. If you know me in person, you might think that I’ve been doing really good. But it’s just not enough.

Sorry. I just need to say this somewhere. Please ignore this.

[nerobtsed-deactivated20230528]

SHINee and Shawols, the entire Kpop community has suffered an Indescribable loss today. Jonghyun, is not with us anymore. This is not the time to state my belonging to a particular fandom. A talented artist and a beautiful human being has succumbed to the darkness of mental illness, which unfortunately still goes unseen. His message to his sister said, “Tell everyone I’ve lived well.” He lived in pain but if he believes in his happier moments more strongly, then please respect him. Respect him as an artist and a person, he has put up a fight for long though its devastating to see him give in. Strength to everyone he loved and everyone who loved and will continue to love him. Yes I’ve cried and prayed and cried more today. Its a dark day for all of us. Have strength. Try. 

[xingblingmi]

kim jonghyun → favorite quotes

[softjiminstan]

if you’re going through a hard time please know that my inbox is always open. doesn’t matter if we’re mutuals or not, i’m here for you - even if you just want to talk about your day i’ll listen. you’re all important so please take care of yourselves and do what helps you  

[fyjjong]

blue night radio - 150830 jonghyun: i think it’s okay to feel lost in your life. i think it’s okay not to reach that final goal (in your life). you may earn things while being lost or could make something out of it through the emotions you feel. i think it should be your judgement. you don’t have to make someone else judge the satisfaction of your life. i hope that you don’t feel too anxious about feeling lost in your life. (source: thatcoolcatmeow)

[taeyeonissm]

“ At the ends of this world.. If I can run into you there, it would be great ” Better, SHINEE ∘  I’ll miss you dearly Jonghyun

[lovelypristin]

No matter what kpop group you follow, you have to admit that Shinee’s Jonghyun was a great idol and that he brought a lot of happiness to a lot of people. Thank you for everything that you did Jonghyun. Rest in peace.

[ashawol-deactivated20240605]

[tvixx-deactivated20180110]