introspection // self-para
She had never properly gotten over her family’s death. She was sad, she made that aware, but she refused to show anymore than that. She didn’t need the pity. She wasn’t a charity case. But maybe it would’ve been helpful to grieve. She spent most of her days now, alone, in a flat she had rented out. She refused to go back into the foster system.
A lot of the time, she just laid in bed, staring at nothing, feeling nothing. Just...laying there. It was unhealthy, she knew, but she had no motivation for anything else. Even that got tiring, though. Waking up in bed, rarely leaving her bed, and then falling asleep just to repeat the cycle again. Tiring.
Now she sort of had a reason to get out of bed. The war was over; which, obviously meant a bunch of weddings and baby boomers. It was all really exciting, and Roisin refused to let herself wallow in so much self-hatred that she missed out on it all. So, she forced herself out of bed. Her actions were robotic, forced. She couldn’t even look in the mirror; she didn’t want to the shell of a girl who used to be.
She put on a fake smile. She was happy for her friends, but she wasn’t happy. She couldn’t be. Not when she felt like this. Not when she felt the crushing feeling of guilt and self-loathing in every part of her body. It almost made it difficult for her to focus on anything. But, she pushed herself through it. That’s what she’d always done.
She was going to be a bridesmaid at Sutton’s wedding, and she was going on a date with Gabriel tomorrow. She felt something akin to happiness, but it wasn’t quite there. She sat down on her bed, after the eventful day, and she almost covered herself with the blanket. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. Today was the first time in months that she’s felt something other than complete despair. And she needed to tell someone about it.
She stood up from her bed and put her jacket back on, as she walked down her stairs. Her face began to change form, as well as her hair. She didn’t even look like Roisin anymore. That was good. She walked down the steps of her flat, and began walking, with her hands in her jacket. There wasn’t many people out the streets, but still she kept her head low. She didn’t need any interaction. She didn’t want any.
The wind was whipping her hair across her face as she made no move to stop it as she stopped in front of her destination. She looked at the sign that read “CEMETERY” for a few moments, before continuing her trek in. There were numerous headstones, and it made Roisin sick to her stomach. But her eyes were looking for one thing.
She came across it, and by then she was ways away from the cemetery entrance, which she was glad for. She sunk down on her knees in front of the four headstones. Each reading her foster family’s name. Victoria Carter. Nathaniel Carter. Meredith Carter. Evan Carter. ‘Roisin McCrae.’ Roisin thought to herself; dark humor.
She just stared at the tombstones for a while. She wanted to say something. She had to say something, but her throat was too dry and her mind was coming up blank. She played with the dirt for a while, aimlessly, when words start spewing out her mouth. “It’s been months now....since I found you guys. It feels like just yesterday, really..... I remember I was going to give you guys the biggest hug when the war was over. We were going to hug, and then probably eat ice cream or something. Or eat pizza. Probably both. But instead, I found you guys weeks later, already decaying. Things didn’t go according to plan.
“I was really devastated when I found out. I was really hopeful, you know? When you guys were missing- I thought...I thought you had abandoned me. Because that’s all people seem to do. They leave me. But you guys....you guys were my family. You couldn’t have left me. It was hard to believe, though. I don’t know what I did right after I found you guys. I think I screamed. For a while, actually. I couldn’t help it. You guys didn’t even look human anymore. I felt like I was in a horror show.
“I haven’t been okay for months now. I’ve barely come out of my room. I actually look sickly. I don’t look human anymore. I barely even know what day it is anymore, let alone reality. After I screamed and cried when I saw you, I haven’t showed any emotion since. They’re voices came back. I haven’t heard them since the beginning of sixth year. But they’re back. And they aren’t leaving. I don’t know what to do. I believe them. I’m a failure, I’m worthless, I’m a mistake. I couldn’t even keep you guys alive! Hell, while everyone was being heroic, what was I doing? Being a goddamn coward. What am I useful for? Nothing. I’m useless. I’m nothing.”
By this point, tears are heavily running down her face as she’s digging her fingers into her legs. She’s trying to desperately hold back sobs, but she hangs her head and it comes out. It’s loud and very painful, but she can’t stop the others from coming out as well. She’s hugging herself tightly as she rocks back and forth, her loud sobbing echoing through the quiet cemetery. She can’t stop, even if she wanted to. But she doesn’t. It feels so good to cry. She can’t remember the last time she’s every felt so relieved. She’s hurting but it feels so good because she’s feeling.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry I even entered your life in the first place.....I’m sorry.” She was basically wailing at this point, and she didn’t care. She was going to cry until she physically could not produce anymore tears.
Time passed and she had no clue what time it was, all she knew was that it was incredibly dark now. She could barely see the names on the tombstone now. Maybe that was for the better. She had stopped crying, and a headache was coming on. She could not care, not even a little, because she felt a little bit of the weight lift off her shoulders.
“Today wasn’t that bad of a day, honestly. I found out my best friend is getting married in less than a month. And I’m going to be a bridesmaid. That’s good. I’m happy for her. Sutton deserves it. I mean, no one really likes Will. Like no one, but I don’t mind him all too much. He’s not as bad as he used to be. Plus he loves Sutton like she deserves to be loved, so why does anyone care about anything else? Why can’t they just be happy? They deserve it.
“I also got asked on a date today. Something I never thought would happen, ever. His name is Gabriel. He’s really sweet. Like, incredibly sweet. I don’t know how it’s possible for someone to be that sweet, honestly. And I hadn’t seen him in a while, but he still he makes my heart flutter. It’s crazy. I like him. I really wish you could meet him, he’s such a great guy. Too bad he’s probably being really nice and it doesn’t mean anything. He’s just....too pure for this world. He shouldn’t have interest in someone like me. But he seems to, and it’s weird. But he makes me happy; well he did, today. It was the first time I felt happy in months. It was nice.”
She figured she should leave. It was dark and they were probably going to come check the graveyard at some point. She took a shuddering breath as she took out her wand and flicked it over the 4 headstones. Flowers appeared.
“I miss you guys. You guys were the first real family I knew. I knew I wasn’t the easiest to deal with, and I know all the magical talk was hard to deal with. But you dealt with it. With me. And I’m forever grateful. I’m sorry I’m brought you into it. I’m sorry it’s my fault you’re dead. I’m so sorry. I love you.”
And with that, she stood up, not bothering to wipe her knees with the dirt. She felt a new sense of...relief. She wasn’t happy, she wasn’t suddenly cured, but she definitely knew this was the step in the right direction.
