Bring My Happiness Along
I’ve wanted to ruin your life for what you have said to me but instead I ruined myself. I’ve ruined myself with your words intertwined with my thoughts, and the things I say to myself already. I’ve ignored my own happiness so I can worry about yours. I’ve given myself anxiety when I was happy just because you weren’t. I’ve questioned whether I’m a good friend, daughter, cousin, or human being because you’re still not happy, no matter what I do or say. I try to keep a smile on my face so at least one of us would be convinced that everything will be fine. I get so deep in my thoughts that it almost feels like, if I dove deep enough I might end up in another dimension. A dimension where you believe me when I tell you that I love you. Somewhere, all the bad things you’ve said to me, absorb into the sun and shine a light on you. A place where my anxiety disintegrates. A world where it’s ok to be happy even when others are not, and a moment to feel completely ok with that. Today, I don’t want to ruin your life because I’ve realized why you’re like this. You feel the same way and you need someone else to feel what you’re going through. I will never know what you’re going through and you will never know what I’m dealing with. You might know the details but you don’t know what I feel inside. What I feel inside is much different than what my face shows. My face shows that what you said didn’t bother me at all. It shows that all the things I did for you with nothing but a complaint didn’t hurt my feelings. It shows that I love you so much, I will let myself feel like shit so you can feel better for even 10 seconds. My face shows nothing but a smile when my heart just broke into a million pieces because there’s nothing I can do about your happiness. I can do something about mine and whether I think it’s true or not, I will say it until I believe it. I am happy, I am rich in many ways, I don’t have anxiety, I do a lot for others, the love I give is the love I deserve, I am so damn beautiful and I am my favorite girl.
