a garden locked up, a spring enclosed.

Hannah // 25 // Borneo I love the King & the King loves me. Physiotherapist. I'm friendly so don't hesitate to drop me a message :)

[rootsandbuds]

07/10/2020, Wednesday

I'd just been getting ready to leave for work this morning when I got a text from my mom at 8:13am - "Papa's in the emergency department. He's got chest pain. Pray." 

It felt like my worst nightmare came true. This is what I pray about every night before I drop off to sleep - God, please protect my family and loved ones from sickness and disease, from strokes and heart diseases, from accidents and evil ones. Keep them safe and away from harm for as long as they live. 

My brother was 4 hours away working in a different district. 

I'm one flight away across the ocean, and there's a 14 day quarantine if I decide to fly back. I haven't been home since the beginning of this year. 

The hospital called my mom back saying it was an emergency and to come immediately. They wheeled him right into the ICU because he had a serious heart attack this morning and they needed to prepare him for an immediate angiogram to check what was blocked. 

My brother started driving back straight from where he was... And I went to work, because there was nothing else I could do other than ask a friend's mom to take emergency leave from her work and accompany my mom at the hospital. 

He started surgery at 9:27am and came out at 11:00am, in time for my brother to arrive soon after. Both my dad's left and right coronary arteries were severely blocked and they had to insert overlapping stents with the balloon angioplasty. Honestly, he probably had one foot in the grave at that point. Modern medicine is amazing. 

He's currently awake and resting in the hospital.

I’m so thankful for modern medicine, for the fact that my dad safely drove himself to the hospital this morning while he was having a heart attack (and injured no one else, I know this was a horrible risk but he had no idea what was happening), for my siblings that managed to get to the hospital in time, and for friends that prayed and sent physical and emotional support to my family. 

I’m just left feeling shell-shocked, with 5 patients to see today and an insurance exam tomorrow, I guess I wasn’t expecting to have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to potentially lose my one and only father, and possibly not even be able to go back home to see him for one last time. 

I would say, “Fuck COVID-19,” but I know that’s not fair. The quarantine is necessary and I’m no exception. But fuck. 2020 has been a shitshow. 

[hellanne]

[hannahbecomes]

19/07/2020; morning reflections on a sunday.

[yourangelrr]

““What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?””

— (via goodreadss)

[hannahbecomes]

01/07/2020 🌒✨ Keigo Higashino ‘Malice’

[jojordan-art-deactivated2025120]

[hannahbecomes]

The week in a page.

[rootsandbuds]

6/6/20

feels like a stone, lump stuck in my throat lead heavy in my heart, rock in the pit of my stomach the pit is the rock. there isn't a hole. i'm being swallowed up whole, or am i trying to fit a stone to be swallowed up? i'm scared. breath catches in my windpipe, it's stuck what's being stuck? my fear. i'm scared. i choke on my tears, but they're on the inside i don't know why they're in my head, in my throat, in my heart i'm trying to force it down, get out of my way. it won't go. i might be doing it wrong. it's a vine curling up, growing out from under my feet entwining itself around the solidness of my fears it's a creeper, fucking crawler its thorns dig deep into the blackness and doesn't let go nightcrawler. shapeshifter. parasite. i need to rip this out and let my heart bleed the tears need an outlet, and i can't hold it in anymore a spine was never meant to be held up by fear and my backbone is bending under the load of a liar i'm scared of breaking i'm scared of not either. trembling where i am.

[underwelmed]

source

[rootsandbuds]

28/05/2020, Thursday

Lord, You are faithful. Ever so faithful. Where we need You the most, You never fail. You always show up for us in our darkest, hardest, most trying times.

This week has seen calls for appointment bookings and package signups, more so than before the lockdown. We'd end work one day with the schedule for the next day nearly empty, and come in to work to calls and messages for bookings throughout the day. Walk-ins would come. Clients start referring other people they know to come in.

I don't know how this is happening. I can't pinpoint the one thing that has made the difference. Maybe it's the realisation to all of us that if we don't put in our hardest we're going to fail. Maybe it's the new social media marketing. Maybe it's being more intentional with our clients.

Maybe it's the faithfulness of God.

Maybe this business isn't meant to be forever. But I know that God has led me here and I know that for now, it isn't over until He declares it's over.

[coffeeforthemoon]

© Anna Kubel

[rootsandbuds]

26/05/2020 Tuesday

I just needed a moment to remind myself to be proud of myself. For always attempting excellence in everything that I do. For going above and beyond in all my efforts. I can be proud of that. It's not to please others, not for validation. It's for the personal satisfaction at the end of the day that I've done my best at that moment. It's my value of, "In all things, do it as though you are doing it for the Lord your God." Excellence is a value.

And I'm proud of myself. Excellence in work. Excellence in my side-gig. Excellence in cleaning up the clinic. Excellence in my learning course. You have to put in the work, I'm learning. But putting in the work for the sake of work, and putting in the work with joy and striving for excellence, is a different matter.

And the works of my hands will produce excellence.

[urbeaut]

[rootsandbuds]

19/05/2020, Tuesday;

Waking up at 650am every morning to catch the 740am bus and arrive at work at 810am when work starts at 10am- to carve time out in the day to complete my other projects. Trying to earn some side income doing transcription work, although it's not much. Trying to work through a continuous education course, the Honey Badger Project. And then starting work at 10am, seeing clients, brainstorming ideas to get more revenue, marketing... Cleaning the clinic gets started at 430pm. Sweep, mop, wipe down, toilets, laundry, set the dryer. Make sure the admin stuff is done- reminders sent, accounts settled, appointments booked. Taking the bus back. It rains every evening. I get wet, I'm hauling my heavy laptop bag and a bag of groceries in another hand.

And I'm thankful for every second of the day.

So thankful for a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and to wake up to early in the morning. So thankful that I even have the opportunity to wake up early for work. So thankful that there is a bus that commutes to work. So thankful that my legs give me strength to rush for it every morning.

So thankful for a clinic that remains open, that I can sit in and do my work.... And thankful that there is work for me to even do. Thankful for every dollar. Thankful for every coursework needed to be done, because of its value that I'm privileged enough to be learning from.

So thankful for excellence in duty. For disinfectant. For cleanliness. Thankful for the rain that keeps the earth going. Thankful for hot showers at the end of the day, for food to eat every night, for more work to do.

I'm thankful for the work.

I'm thankful for value.

I am reminded how excellence in every little thing will pay off in dividends, even when no one sees it at the moment.

How you do anything, is how you do everything.

Excellence is our duty.

[rootsandbuds]

I learnt for the love of learning today, and I am reminded of why I do this.

[abridgetonowhere]

[rootsandbuds]

20/04/2020, Monday

I'm going to be present today.

It's been a couple of weeks of feeling like I'm trying to run a marathon to catch-up with people virtually - on social media peers, on ventures to stay afloat, on online meetings, on discussions about the future of the clinic, on revenue lost and how to get more gain. I think I lost it yesterday. The daily small pieces of misery and guilt finally accumulated into an overwhelming burden pressing on my heart.

Even taking a day off to be present makes me feel guilty. Because there's this voice in the back of my head that's whispering, "You know, you could be using this time to working on Project X/Y/Z; you could be thinking about the business and strategies for when it reopens...." and I'm like, please just shut up.

I always need to remind myself that life isn't a competition against other peers. But right now what I'm feeling is the pressure to create something that fits the needs of a target group of people. I don't know what that target group is but I must try!!! ..... After today, after a day of rest and presence.

[bergdorfsworld]

[rootsandbuds]

It comes in waves.

[vulgarwomen]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BamLrbtHGxi/

[grace--upon--grace]

[hannahbecomes]

06/04/2020; Monday

Woke up this morning.

Took a breather. A meditation. A contemplation. A prayer, almost. 

Thank you for this life, although it may be temporary.

Thank you for this shelter, although it may be temporary. 

Thank you for my family, although it may be temporary. 

Thank you for my job, although it may be temporary. 

Thank you for all I have now, although it may be temporary.

A cornerstone of Buddhist teachings has always been the belief in impermanence. 

“All that exists is impermanent; nothing lasts. Therefore nothing can be grasped or held onto.” 

The sooner that we accept the reality of impermanence in our lives, the faster we can hold on to what truly will not fade if we do not allow it to - our spirit, our soul, our inner light.