[rosemariejean]

i find it hard to write when i am happy

right now i am ecstatic

sometimes i find myself crying

just out of this excitement

or is it calmness, really?

you never make me question you

i am so safe in your presence

even without you here, i feel it

a blanketing stillness over my worry

i think back to everyone who drove me mad

who had me running in circles

how could i confuse that for love?

if this is it, i'll take it any day

the only one with baggage is me, for once

you're so open and ready and able

i'm scared to be the broken one

that i might push you too far

but your constant reassurance

makes it easy to talk myself out of that fear

you might be exactly what i wanted

how lucky am i to have found it so quickly

[rosemariejean]

i'm in love with you in ways i don't know how to explain

in a confusing state with head pounding blood rushes

constant and quiet and here always

you are the hum of the air in my house

circulating in my blood unconsciously

pumping in and out of my heart, recycled

i love you unknowingly, on accident

and i'm scared to know that you love me too

[rosemariejean]

you lie like it's nothing to you

just another unremarkable thing

when i try to lie i stutter

everyone can tell immediately

i dont know how i can trust someone like you

who can say things that they dont mean

i look like an idiot missing you again

crying by myself on vacation

analogizing us to footprints in the sand

washed over by waves and quickly forgotten

you've turned me into a fool

how can i miss what never truly was

how can i tell you how i miss you

and you have no reaction?

i hate you for making me so stupid

enough that i almost want you back

[rosemariejean]

i helped you move into your house

right along main street

obvious and constant

i'd been hoping you'd ask me to join you

you were beside a graffitied car wash

i tagged the side facing your kitchen window

you fucked me for the last time

in your attic bedroom

for years i avoided the main road

i'd drive ten extra minutes to hide my face

eventually though, i stopped needing to

and i'd pass by your house

sometimes i'd see your car and in a weird way

it would give me peace to know you were out there

still existing outside of my mind

but today i saw the for sale sign

and it hit like a punch to my gut

i don't know anything about you anymore

[rosemariejean]

i've been writing a new love story

filled with sunflowers and polaroids

but i'm filled with dreaded déjà vu

she laughs and i see your teeth

sweet nothings said in your voice

i hate the way you creep into everything i do

this will be different, new, not you

you'll threaten to pull me back into my cave

but i'll resist you this time

i want to love someone without fear

[rosemariejean]

so this is it

a last goodbye

we'll pretend that there's a next time

but our time has run out

i have new stories to write

that can't include you anymore

we kept trying to change our fate

but it was written in stone

i should have fought for you the first time

giving in meant giving you up

in an irreversible sort of way

i couldn't have you then or now

so i'll let you go with grace

[rosemariejean]

i live and breathe for these in between moments

when i can blame coincidence instead of myself

if i happen to see you who can fault me

for grabbing a drink or two with you

it's wrong for me to seek you out

but i'll leave the door open for you to come in

i have wanted you for so long i forgot how to exist

without you in the back of my mind

[rosemariejean]

the lion eyed me under an unruly mane

licked away the drool from his lips

i'm no prey animal who runs away

but a wild dog vibrating with anger

a moments notice away from biting

he seemed to like the challenge

[quaintobsessions]

your fiancé says I talk too fast

When we are 13 we escape to perches all over town, putting the world to rights.

When we are 23 I run away with the band. I bring you to concerts every chance I get,

sharing the stories. You tell me secrets. You hate your job

but have to save for a wedding; different worlds but the same longing.

When I come back for Christmas I play you records proudly, dedications in the liner notes. You say, "but this is just

music, isn't it? It's only music." After you text me you'd prefer not to meet up anymore because your fiancé says

I talk too fast I have nightmares for months that you turn up next to me and I tell you in tears

you can't do that you can't just come back

When I am 33 the guitarist predicts I'll make millions writing lyrics. I don't.

Spending long nights grappling with endings, I sleep in daylight.

You move out of town: three kids, two cars. I hope he appreciates

you talking slowly not like we did on all those perches setting the world to rights.

[rosemariejean]

i start too many poems with "i"

i feel this, i want that, i am

not there yet

i want to be a different kind of writer

someone people wish they wrote like

with original ideas and unique words

who could make the dull beautiful

but i am uninspired, sipping from the same cup

i linger on the two year period i was loved

however little it really was

i cycle like a broken washer

over and over i sing the same song

you think this is boring? imagine living like this

i am stuck! in concrete or a rut

im not sure which one

please pluck me out of this small town

whisk me into a two week fantasy

give me something new to write about

besides a dust covered fairytale

[rosemariejean]

the stars aligned just right on the night that you kissed me

i can still feel your hands on my hips

that wanted to know what i was capable of

before you knew me and before i knew you

i envy the idiots kissing in kitchen corners

they have no idea how deeply they can hurt each other

i'll let them dance in ignorance in my mind's eye

[rosemariejean]

every hour adds to my anxiety

each one a petal from a flower

loves me, not, loves me, not

my gut is always right

i fall in love just to write

craving inspiration

more than i do love

break my own heart and cry

to tell the saddest story

i'm a flight risk

i let myself fly too close to you

feel the start of happiness

and i force myself down to earth

away from you, back to loneliness

being alone is better than being hurt

assume your every word is unkind

or laden with hidden meaning

proof that you hate me

that i never deserved to be loved

[rosemariejean]

a familiar dreaded feeling

sinking in my stomach

pulsing, humming in my blood

the silence becomes louder

our laughs more tentative

we are dying a slow death

breathing rickety and hollow

air just grazing our lungs

enough to keep us aware

that we had been alive

[rosemariejean]

fear and desire, deeply intertwined

emotions too big to say aloud

existing in a suspended almost-space

the maybe-ifs and should-haves

barstools supporting tired legs

elbows facing elbows

two coats graze the floor

inching closer with every laugh

[rosemariejean]

would you think i was crazy

if i texted you again?

i know i shut the door on you

but i'm missing you tonight

christmas lights line the streets

i wonder if you think of me

when you pass through town

i never got to hold your hand

rest my head on your chest

it's those little things i miss

the ones i never had

i used to fantasize about you constantly

wished on stars for you to leave her

except that once you did

i still couldn't have you

sometimes i wish you were still together

so that i could at least be around you

i don't have an excuse to see you

except that i just want to

but that would be crossing a line

wouldn't it?

and aren't we so good at drawing lines

in the sand

just to mess them all up?

[rosemariejean]

i gave you something i didn't know i had

your eyes are still polluting my mind

i drive ten hours with you in the backseat

hoping to find you at the end of the road

the exit signs glowing reflective with your name

it's a trap i dont mind falling for

every road leads me to your front door

when i open it, i fall down into darkness

in my dreams you escape my grasp

unravel like thread from between my fingers

i pull on you desperate to keep you this time

i cant have you even in fantasy

i wake up in a sweat from nightmares so sweet

you hold me close then still choose to leave

[rosemariejean]

happy birthday,

you say as midnight approaches

as if it were an afterthought

or maybe it was your first thought

you considered saying it in the morning

but it would be too early

by midday it slipped your mind

you put on your costume and got a drink

had the liquid courage to finally say it

so here we stand

30 miles apart but in the same boat

leaving things unsaid because that is safer

you are a black hole and im sinking again

i would have kissed you if i didn't know better

i want to talk to you more than ever

but we will just leave it at

thank you