my soul is a rose garden @rosetthorns - Tumblr Blog

we rly out here using the rant tumblr again

me: im ok! flourishing! that doesn't bother me anymore!

me, a day later, 10 min after a literal panic attack: dOesEnT bOtHeR mE ANYMORE

ok but i literally just had like one of my worst panic attacks in the shower because of a scenario that isnt even real!!!!! it hasn't happened!!!! and i almost hyperventilated because of it!!!! not even exaggerating, I got rly lightheaded

like oh my god i have so much self reflection to do

those boys tho? fucked me up. fuck them. assholes.

i hate that they did too bc they were all meaningless relationships or half relationships but like

i literally cant be intimate because im genuinely terrified of the other person not being interested anymore. and im like constantly stressed on if im doing too much or too little or if in being enough or if im pretty enough or if im enough in general and making him happy basically. like i think im fantastic, my confidence isnt the problem, but i've been interested in guys and been confident and then they ghosted me or friendzoned me or like were visibly uncomfortable and mannnn thats so little but it fucked me uppp. and then i lose sight of if im actually valued as a person and then ill overthink if i am or not on top of stressing if im enough and holy shitt. and i dont wanna have this convo with my boyfriend bc im worried of coming off as needy. like i imagined having this conversation with my boyfriend and him not taking it well and then it got really vivid and then thats all i could focus on and my eyes were like burning like i NEEDED to cry but it felt like nothing was coming out even though like many many tears were and i was breathing really fast and i got lightheaded all at once and oh my god no bueno.

there have always been things worth loving

the things that make you feel small

vast oceans, blue skies, bright stars wished upon on roadtrips

the things that make you feel alive

fresh air, windy rollercoasters, dancing in the kitchen on a friday

the things that make you feel at home

gentle warmth, rainy days, coffee on a cold morning

hearts are the only organ that can obsess can care can love

can thrum more skillfully than rain

can feel sights, can flutter, can love

but loving isnt easy on the heart

hearts dont have bones

arent made of glass

but they break

fine china sets showcased in cupboards behind your chest

behind ribcages you'll find love, buried under memories, scars, and regret

on sleeves you'll find love, boasted with confidence, youth, and sweat

but be careful what things love

be watchful of your heart

yeah idek how to like start this

but ive been thinking about this for awhile

and i only feel like you care about me when we're physically together

which like is for a few reasons

one isnt really your fault at all but its kindof context and u already know a lot of this but i didnt know how to bring it up again without being needy and its hard for me to talk about this so i hope u appreciate me being open

i have anxiety, like i dont mean that in the whole like "im special" type thing we talked about, i just genuinely probably have ptsd from my mom thing (which i dont talk about in depth a whole lot) and it just in general makes me more overthinky than i should be about certain things, like to the point of panic attacks

and one of those things is relationships wooooo but idk i realize people get like stressed when they care about stuff but the amount of panic attacks i have like tenfolds when i care about someone

its hard for me to like believe that someone genuinely likes me and wont leave me at a given moment. like really hard. probably because of how many times ive gotten shitted on the same way. and that also makes it really hard to be affectionate and open because a. people have always "left" after i was more affectionate or open with my feelies and b. it just sucks when u give a lot to a person and things don't work out. a lot of times i will stress over being too much or too little and like it takes over my brain and i convince myself im being both at the same time and im not loved blablabla. im getting better at recognizing when im doing it but when i get like that it's hard to get outof it other than just letting it pass and im kindof awful to ppl around me when im like that and it just sucks.

but like theres that

and then so to like gauge how affectionate i can be with someone i try to like start at the bottom and work my way up and like if they reciprocate or respond well i move up and if they dont then i move back down but like

you dont reciprocate or recieve well to anything except physical

what i mean is likeeee

when i try to say something cute ur like "thats kinda gay" or when i say "i miss you" you dont say it back or something similar or you seem uncomfortable when i compliment you or you just dismiss it and then you hardly if ever do any of that yourself

and idk if its because you feel the same way about being open and showing someone how you feel or if thats just how you act or what but it like makes me feel like. bad.

like i cant express how i feel about you or you dont like it when i do which sucks bc verbally is part of the main ways i show people i care about them. its kindof like me kissing you and then you not kissing back :/

and ive kindof been bottling this bc i was hoping itd just pass but like us not talking as much (which i get bc we're noth busy) is just making it worse so i thought id address it

and im not asking you to like force affection, i dont want like anything to be fake or forced bc that just sucks, and i know how too much can be smothering i just want you to keep in mind that words are important to me and dismissing that kind of affection hurts mee

im stuck inbetween giving up on sam or trying harder

im not sure if he just doesnt get attached to ppl over text or if he likes her or the other chick more or like what but idk he doesnt seem as interested in me as he used to be :( and i wanna call him but I don't wanna keep asking and be annooyyinng but its also like idk what changed? like is he just like every other guy i like and just lost interest or does he think im losing interest or did i do something wrong? like bitch what the fuck! and also he just hasnt been asking questions but hes been busy but before he was busy and still responded :( idk what to doooooooooo

major

i never felt like we really connected. thats what i meant by i thought we needed to talk. i didn't mean that i didn't understand that both of us were busy and didn't have time to catch up all the time, but i meant that when we did talk, it was just small talk or uninterested talk. and everytime i tried to change that, it didn't work. i didn't feel like i could be real with you or open up to you-which might have been different if a. you had asked questions when i told you things or even remembered important things (like my mom being in a fucking nursing home) or b. i didn't have relationship anxiety (which you would've known if you asked questions). like seriously i know there was a lot i could had done better as a girlfriend but even a week in i knew you didn't care about me as a person (which i thought was just my relationship anxiety but i guess not). like at least i cared about what you cardd about and tried to understand and help when you were upset. i don't even like football! and i came to all your games i could. i actually looked up videos on how it worked lmao. i asked questions about what you wanted to do, what you did do, why you felt like you did, how i could help, etc. i genuinely got upset when you were upset-you know that. when i told you i was upset i literally got a "that sucks." you didn't know what my speech topics were. i doubt you would even know what i do in speech and debate if your parent hadn't asked. and! you don't know jack shit about my mom! or how that affected me! you didnt even remember she was in a nursing home! which again you would know if you showed you cared.

and while were on that topic,

dont play the victim card with me. im not saying your feelings and experiences aren't valid but using them to seem more valid than me isn't right and it wouldn't be right even if I hadn't also been hurt bad.

i literally watched my mom, who cared about me and my sister like we were the universe, turn into a fucking monster who only cared about alcohol. not even herself. i watched my mom lose her job, not do shit about it, lose her health. she broke into my neighbors houses and begged them for booze money. once, she laid in front of a car and said she wouldn't move until they gave her money for alcohol. she broke her finger when my neighbor slammed a door into it and shoved it in my face when i got home. i watched my dad drag trashbags and trashbags of dollar bottles of fireball out from under her bed while she was in jail. she laid in puddles of her own vomit and screamed at police officers. she screamed "i love you" at me. she banged on my door and when i locked it she went around to my window and banged on that. i watched my dad beat her when he'd had enough. i hated her. then we found out she had dementia. that made her personality change and her health diminish. i hated my mom because of her sickness.

as for how that affected me, i was an outgoing, expressive kid. during and after this, i shut down. i developed anxiety and couldn't really connect to anyone, and i didnt feel feelings for three years: i got anger back last year. in order to feel something, i self harmed. did i attempt suicide? no. but i damn sure thought about it every night. i remember writing about how easy it would be, to just give up.

whether or not you've attempted doesn't determine if you've suffered or not, so please stop acting like you were more depressed and that gives you more right to being upset. again, not saying it isn't valid, i just really hate it when people use bad experiences as leverage.

ok so like i dont really feel like that close to anyone except like fiona anymore and i hate it. i hate bein distant. i used to do this all the time and like enjoy it and i DONT KNOW WHY!!! I hate THIS!!!! i miss cierra and having deep talks and crying in the bathroom and bonding over debate cases and having the brain click when we both understood the topic but i never see her anymore and and i miss nayelis fucking hand movements and how cute her makeup always is and her facial expressions when she thinks something is cute and jokes and drawing stuff on pages together and i miss sitting next to fiona in math and making fun of dudes and writing notes while drozzdoff was lecturing and going to walmart and gushing ab cute people and just letting my soul out like we still so that but not as often and i miss Wilson and rifle drill and snorts and also kinda deep talks but mostly joking around with rifles and just. having close friends in rotc.

and like i feel like a bad kid bc i was trying to pay ap fees by myself but i kept putting it off and now im serious ab it but i told my dad its 40 dollars and its 330 and we got a letter ab them and he read it (its open on the counter) and he hasnt brought it up but ik hes gonna be mad. and theyre due on the 18th and i know he cant afford it but hes going to and hes not gonnna let me pay him back. like i just wanted to do something for him bc he does so much for me

and FUCKIGN hell nik dear god. like bro idk why we ever even dated like im glad we did but like bro we were talking for TWO WEEKS before you asked me, not on a date, but to be your girlfriend and idk why i ever thought I'd actually have genuine feelings for me or that id have genuine feelings for you after just two weeks. also like we dont talk anymore, really, but tbh i still think u were right when u said nothing was gonna change (except for romantic shit) after we broke up bc it didnt. while we were dating, if i didnt text you, we didnt talk. i was the one who gave a shit (for the most part). i dont even like football and i came to all of your games that i could and tried to understand it. i actually felt like shit when you couldnt play, you know that. and when you were upset, i knew not much i couuldve done wouldve helped, but i tried to say something helpful. like flipside, i care about rotc and speech. you dont know what EITHER of my speeches are about, you wouldnt even walk me to the rotc building. you also dont know shit about my mom. you even forgot she was in a nursing home one night. that shit hurted. and i didnt even feel like i could open up to you bc whenever i was upset youd just respond with "that sucks" like i could NOT talk about deep shit. ever. and that shouldnt happen when ur dating someone. also fuck u for getting on me ab deleting shit. like at least I POSTED STUFF in the FIRST PLACE. and like SHOWED U OFF. or at least EXPRESSED EMOTION. and like ???? you wanted me to post hoco pictures a months after we broke up??? im not tryna have people think im nutso ab my ex thanks. we arent even close enough to be like "take back to a night w my best bro" like we were Never close enough for me to do that.

tbh i dont think ill find someone good who genuinely wants to be with me until like college

i dont feel attractive

like i like my looks and my personality for the most part, like im confident but

i dont feel like other people find them dateable

and like IT COULD JUST BE BC

i reaaaally liked this guy in middleschool and he friendzoned me for like 6 months but still said i was his favorite girl 😂🤪👌

my first "boyfriend" (it was long distance) deadass ghosted me after three months and just stopped responding

the first girl i liked (i never asked her but i just know) only liked me as a friend woo

landon (never official) whether he actually liked me or not (i doubt he did), he never showed it and led me on for months saying he didnt want a relationship bc he "didnt want to hurt me"

and nik friendzoned me after a month of dating (three weeks of which he showed no interest whatsoever)

wow we love a hurt bitch 🤪🤪🤪

but idk its starting to get to me like... i expect people to lose interest or not find me attractive now. ugh. like everytime i think of myself with someone, i see them losing interest a month in idk

lol saw One cute relationship post and started BAWLING lol sad boy hours came early shit

i want a boyfriend again

godamn

but one that actually loves me and will BUILD a relationship with me, not just expect it to work out with no effort.

i wannna love someone like that :((((((((( and i also wanna cuddle..... yikes

either way, thank you for dealing with me for about a month lol. i appreciate you a whole lot & please don't forget that youre my favorite person. (as evidence that youre my favorite person, please refer to your smile & laugh, your stupid jokes, your personality in general, your v good hugs, and your cute asf self and youll understand that theres no way you couldnt be my favorite person) anyways im glad youre in my life madude & i hope youll stay in it for awhile

hey is everything ok?

idk i just feel like youre kindof distant, and i know we're both busy a lot so sometimes its hard to talk or hangout, but it still feels like that even when we are talking or hanging out or have the opportunity to. ive kinda been feeling this for about a week or two & i just wanna make sure everythings ok

if im ever not doing something right i want you to tell me. i like knowing when im wrong so i can fix it, i cant read your mind & i need you to use your words lol. i dont wanna sound needy or anything but like even other than telling me when i do shit wrong, i appreciate it when you use your words lol. like i hate being left on read, goodmorning and goodnight messages actually mean a lot to me, if you like how i did something then tell me type of stuff. im not asking you to change im just telling you how i like process affection, with lack of a better wording. & if im not like giving you enough attention or affection n stuff like that, that counts as me doing something wrong and i want you to tell me how i can do better bc i do care ab you and i wanna make sure that im not letting you down, & that you feel loved bc you are loved.

i dont really feel like you care or that you listen and i dont mean that you arent there for me when i need you to be i mean that you arent interested in me as a person.

like, to me when you date somebody its more than just hugging and kissing and hanging out-those are amazing and its a great part, but its more like when youre with somebody they should be at least one of your best friends, and you should have that connection and i dont feel like we have that connection, that you... that you do.

it feels like im another girl. and you couldve picked any other girl after a week of knowing her and felt the exact same and done the exact same. i dont feel you making a connection

and the reason i say that is mainly because... you dont ask questions. you dont inquire. there is a lot that you had every opportunity to but you never learned about me. and i dont mean out of the blue asking me what my favorite color is or my favorite food, what i do mean is when i tell you that i think theres a ghost at work or that i dont eat red meat, you dont ask why. you dont inquire. and i dont know if its how you converse or if its because youre tired or if you really just dont care but asking questions is typically how people show they care about what someones saying.

and i dont know if you care. and i dont know why im different, or if im different. i dont know why you like me. i dont know why you would settle for something the same and thats why im hoping that it is different... that im different. because i think youre different, and brave, and intelligent, and i think you are one of the most hardworking and dedicated people i know but i dont think you love me. even if you say you do.

you were never easy

you were too far to touch tainted with lust but with thoughts of... love

passion, romance, adoration

you liked to tease me, to show the light at the end of the tunnel only to be a firefly, lonely and disguised

ive found firefly after firefly, only sparks, imitations of the fire i hoped would engulph my heart

i am a lover

with or without a lover

but to be a lover without a lover is a difficult thing

it is a difficult thing to stay hopeful filled with trust wide eyed doe eyed starry eyed, innocent

lovers do not become jaded they become disheartened

lose the ability to let themselves fall off the same cliff that once looked only a hill, twenty or only two tries ago

once i found a lover without a lover

he was beautiful, poetic in nature and gave the impression of a reflection of me

he was rough around the edges, but a diamond nevertheless

a diamond that may have been dropped or turned into a pawn shop

he was hardworking, determined and dedicated to the things he loved

now he is loved, and i the same. dedicated to one another and building trust.

he and i sticth parachutes for mountains as high as the sky

and polish our edges until they shine

now we are lovers with lovers

learning to love

gumuhit

i didnt wanna get my hopes up so i didnt get high enough to fall

i didnt think wed make it so i blocked my view

now i know how much I could love you but

im blind and on the ground and youre flying up so high

i dont wanna get my hopes up

ok real talk

ya binch has been kinda lonely and i know its just a phase because i havent hung out with my friends but literally watching TATBILB made this hoes stomach sick and heart hurt

cuz like i knooowww im not entirely unlikeable and i know i could flirt if i tried and i know that like a relationship for me isnt unrealistic

i just,,, i dont mean to sound like arrogant or nun but,,,, even most of the seniors are so immature and dont know what an actual relationship takes or are willing to be serious, and i havent really found anyone i genuinely had a connection like that with. (and im not being unrealistic because ive had it before, i know what it feels like) or like found someone who reciprocated it

and i know there are people like that but,,, it would just be a waste if i tried. even if i do end up finding something like that, im literally too fucking busy and too much of a liability. i hardly even have time to visit my friends and im a loottt to handle. its not fair to anyone trying to date me. im also really bad at intimacy (emotional and physical) and i dont know how to handle it and i deal with stuff i dont know how to deal with by pushing it away so 🙃

but i ok know i have potential to be a good girlfriend i just,, literally have no hope. and romance just makes me sad.

i cant like him. i cant flirt with him. even if i wanted to, even if he wanted to, even though i liked him first, and she knows that, it would just hurt her. i cant do that like she did to me.

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my soul is a rose garden