I think the worst fucking part about whatever the fuck that is festering inside of me is- is that I can’t seem to just be fucking honest about it with anyone.
Like it’s not even a conscious choice. It’s just the MOMENT someone actually reaches out, my brain seems to numb itself to all the shit going on inside, forgets all the moments I’ve spent breaking down, and convinced everyone that I’m okay ENOUGH.
like “yeah I might not be great, but I’m okay enough and I’ll get through 🙂” BITCH NO THE FUCK WE WONT. ITS ONLY BEEN GETTING WORSE OVER THE YEARS IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN BEFORE. WE’RE COLLAPSED ON THE SHOWER FLOOR FEELING LESS AND LESS LIKE AN ACTUAL PERSON AND NOT A CAGED ANIMAL READY TO CHEW OFF THEIR OWN PAW TO GET OUT OF HERE.
I just want to be honest with how bad I’m doing so someone can SEE how bad I’m doing and HELP ME. But I can’t even be honest with myself apparently 😭😭
