#self destruction

[su-bat]

I've felt so undesirable. So fucking disgusting. I have so much to say yet I haven't spoken to anyone. I haven't brought up a single ounce about myself. I've been pretending everything is the same with me yet it's not. I look at others and wonder how they can do it for so long. How can you be yourself for so long. I'd say this is the break I've needed but I haven't been the same since April. Sluggish and lazy. Not the hardworking being I've always been. All of my grades dropped and I barely passed most of my classes. Near the end I didn't even have the motivation to do any work. Not a single bit. I call out of work once a week claiming I'm sick. I show up late to every shift. I haven't gotten out of bed without dread for months. Every second I stand I just wanna go back and I don't know what's wrong with me. What's changed. I started vaping? I started working more? I stopped drinking so much monster maybe? None of that could explain such a massive change. Some changes I've made are supposed to be healthy yet I feel as sickly as I've ever been. I hate change.

[su-bat]

Haven't been super active as of recently but I'm still here. Still yearning. I feel I'm becoming worse everyday, my body just breaking down. I've been gaining weight like no tomorrow since I've been eating a whole meal a day. All I've been doing is sleeping and working. I feel like I've lost the fullness I used to have when I'd constantly abuse myself, the drive of pain behind me in every endeavor. Now I'm nothing. Now I'm just like everyone else.

[sachii-44]

It was an accident, but was it undeserved?

[eriksjudgment]

I hate my meds, one day I can eat nothing and be proud of myself and second day I became a fat pig:3

On paper I am "normal" weight but I used to be fucking skinny

I hate my body so freaking much (well I hate my whole self but my body is on top of the list)

[edwardbrokenmind]

why go low when you could get high

anyway stuff under cut u know do not open dead inside

edited for obvs reasons but I try to preserve some reality

little video because you sick freaks need the catharsis

[voicesandthoughts]

you say that can't be an addiction

but why do I crave the taste then

of metal in the air on floors covered in hair

why else can't I stop myself from staring it down

white knuckles on an empty white stove

by the drawer of knives, by the choice of substance or lies

deciding if the shower later ought to sting

I'd be washed, but no longer clean

hands steady against the glass

deciding if I want to just go out stargazing in the grass

or see them every time I stand, night or day

I stare it down, standing in this imaginary doorway

counting the days since I surrendered to my bones

convinced no number could ever turn it into bygone days I don't call home

it lurks in every pain and brighter day

I'd be free of everything for a moment

and what a sweet moment that'd be

while proving I'm never free of something deep inside of me

I'd prove some people right, others wrong

and myself, what I always was

In control, only ever momentarily

Incapable of prosperity and clarity

looked at like I need saving

from the loops I put myself through

and the constant states of unverifiable recovery

I know I'm the one liable now, for how unreliable It is

How undesirable I make myself

but it's indescribable how badly this feels good

flirting with the fall, a starving, a carving

while insisting I'm doing exactly as I should

[iamabrat7]

need to apologize to my younger self for what ive done to myself now

[iamabrat7]

i feel sooo empty

nothing phases or affects me anymore