Robbie Rotten Advice Column

Send in your "Dear Robbie" asks and don't follow my advice.

[prideknights]

what's your favorite thing to bake? could we uhhh get a recipe? [eyes emoji]

My absolute favourite thing to bake are cookies because they’re easy, quick, and super tasty! My go to recipe is this:

Ingredients:

125g Softened butter 

125g Caster sugar

100g Dark brown sugar

1 Egg

1tsp Vanilla extract

225g Self-raising flour

½tsp salt

200g chocolate chips/M&Ms

Method

Preheat oven to 180°C/350°F

In a large bowl, cream the caster and brown sugar with the butter. Then add the egg and vanilla extract and mix. 

Sift in the flour and the salt and combine everything together.

Add in the chocolate chips/M&Ms

Roll the dough into walnut-sized balls and place on a baking tray lined with baking paper.

Bake in the oven for about 7~9 minutes. 

Let them harden for a couple minutes and bam! Super tasty chewy cookies.

[thatsbelievable]

[aquaticaberration-deactivated20]

@focsle

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, is Rotten your last name? If so, were your parents crazy about alliteration? Do you have a middle name?

Dear Last Name,

It’s me, I like alliteration. My family went under different surnames over the course of my childhood (for various hiding-from-the-cops reasons). When I moved out and changed my name, I picked a last name that would fit my aesthetic.  

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, how do you perfect that snazzy walk of yours? It must take some work...or are you just blessed with a flare for the dramatic? Also, doesn’t walking like that burn a lot more calories??

Dear Walking,

My saunter is designed to burn as few calories as possible. I walk that way to step around exercise opportunities. 

And if you had to dodge as much sports equipment as I do, you’d walk snazzy too.  

Also- flare for the dramatic?

No idea what you mean.

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, I have consumed chocolate cake, thought villainous thoughts, acted on my laziness by staying in bed all day. Can I now be named number two villain?

Dear Number Two,

Actually since I have good days and better day, I occupy both Villain Number One and Villain Number Two. Then there’s Bobbie, Tobbie, and Flobbie who collectively are Villain(s) Number Three. Trixie has Villain Number Four. I can give you Villain Number Five? If you wanna go up in rank, try eating more cake.

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, have you ever seen Sportacus without his cap on? What color is his hair? Surely you know.

Dear Cap,

I have but I didn’t bother to internalize what color his beautiful wavy blond hair was. Sorry to disappoint. It just doesn’t stick out in my memory of his hat flying off in a warm summer breeze and stirring the locks underneath as he laughed at the brats with his eyes shining in mirth.

Off subject but remind me to create a wind machine.

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, the new Pokemon game came out and it is making me very very very very happy!!! :DDD!!! Do you have an opinion on it?

Dear Pokemon Game,

All you need to know is that my new life’s dream is to nap on a pile of THESE ABSOLUTE CUTIES!

Yeah the fighting is alright and the graphics are cool but HAVE YOU MET MY NEW SHEEP-BASED FAMILY???

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, I hope I’m not asking a question someone’s already asked, but what’s your take on Stephanie? She likes both sweets and dancing...

Dear Take On,

My answer depends on you answering one important thing for me:

Which one is Stephanie?

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Robbie, got any makeup tips?

Dear Tips,

I think my number one tip is to not use something if it irritates or hurts you. Make up should not burn, or make your eyes water, or feel bad. If something you’re using does hurt you, toss it. Throw it away. Either you’re allergic or the product just sucks. 

Don’t just say ‘beauty is pain’ or ‘it will go away’ or ‘I guess make up just feels like this!’. None of these are true. 

My second tip is to just have Fun.

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, I was absentmindedly doing nothing, and reaching for my computer so I could binge watch the Witcher all day, I think I pulled a muscle. Any help?

Dear Witcher,

Okay the first step is don’t panic. This happens to the best of us. It’s all going to be fine. You’ll make it through this.

What you wanna do is ice up that sucker. Make a milkshake and press it to the muscle if you have to. Whatever it takes. Then, do not use the muscle. It needs time to heal so sit around and do nothing as much as possible. Watch the Witcher if you get bored but for the love of sweets BE CAREFUL! 

Every time we are forced to Do A Movement there a health risk. Get better soon. You are in my thoughts, you brave soul,

[rottenadvicecolumn]

I saw the blood on the clothes post- I have another laundry question. I just found an old dress with a stain on it I didn’t see before. Is there any way to get it out or is it headed for the trash?

Dear Dress,

That all depends on the type of fabric, the size of the stain, the type of thing that MADE the stain, the humidity where you are (I’m not kidding), how old it is, what day it is (kidding), and a number of other factors you have not supplied me with here.

The best thing you can do is take it to the dry cleaners. They have Magic back there that can clean (almost) anything. 

On the other hand- if it’s that old a dress, so old that you don’t even know how it goes there, then maybe it’s time you treat yourself to a NEW dress. 

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Robbie, there’s a difference between being a villain and being an asshole. Thanks for the advice 😘

That’s what I’m here for, kid 

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Robbie, if I may ask, what is the best way to say that I was raised an asshole (culturally Christian) but since have tried to grow and want to be respectful of others beliefs but I don’t know how to ask a question withOUT sounding like an asshole. Any help would be appreciated thank you

Dear Raised,

I enjoy that you came to me for advice on how not to sound mean. To your credit, there’s never a good reason to act like an asshole so of course I will offer my advice. It’s just that the image of you looking at a villain’s advice column and thinking ‘this looks like the person to ask’ is just funny. 

Anyway, may I be the first to say Congratulations on trying to break free of how you were raised! Most people go their whole lives not realized how ignorant they sound (also “I was raised an asshole (culturally Christian)” made me guffaw spectacularly. what a gift of a sentence).

So. How Not To Sound Like An Asshole by R. Rotten. The first thing to keep in mind is the language you use. If, for example, you want to know which holiday someone is celebrating, do NOT ask “Is this the one where you eat that gross noddle thing?” Ask instead, “What are you celebrating? Do you eat anything special?” As long as you’re respectful, I find that everyone wants to teach you about their customs. 

The cool thing about This Century (yes there is one) is that you can also Google things you don’t know. I understand wanting a personal account from someone, since every family does things a little differently, but try not to hound one person with all your questions. Don’t treat them like the spokesperson for their whole culture. 

Keeping the above in mind however: DO NOT (you can tell this is important because it’s in all caps) QUIZ SOMEONE ON THEIR CULTURE AND MAKE FUN OF THEM FOR GETTING THINGS WRONG. Just because you looked up everything about Diwali doesn’t mean YOU can tell someone they’re celebrating it wrong. You are NOT the authority on how someone carries out their traditions. As I said, everyone does things a little differently. This happened to me and if the person in question hadn’t been a good friend of mine I would have pulled every villainous trick out of the box to make their hour HORRIBLE. 

When all else fails, just be Nice. Say “I was not raised in this culture so I hope I’m not being disrespectful but can you tell me-” Be upfront. Thank people for their time. Everyone likes a student of the world, and everyone likes to talk about themselves.   

Good luck out there.

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Hey I was the writing challenge anon- I finished. They weren’t all masterpieces but they /were/ done. Thanks for the advice!

(OOC: You’re welcome! And congratulations!!! Take pride in that, no matter that they weren’t “all masterpieces”. Great job, dear! <3)

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Dear Robbie, I /wanted/ to do my villainous deeds today, but nature decided to /snow/ all over my evil parade!!! What is a villain supposed to do if it is too cold and wet to be villainous?

Dear Cold and Wet,

Hey, you let me know, bud. I’m trying to have an evil fun time and it’s all sorts of too wet and hot out. 

My plan is to harass people remotely and maybe watch a scary thing. But not too scary. If I get too scared a certain crystal goes off on a certain someone’s handsome chest and I don’t want any guests cartwheeling into my lair, thanks very much.

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Robbie, please explain to be villainous on Halloween signed a newcomer to the whole villain thing

Dear Newcomer,

Eat candy. All of it. Don’t work for it by going trick or treating. Do some tricks to get your treats. It’s like taking candy from a baby. And it some cases it’s literally that. 

Have fun, but don’t overtax yourself. You’ll need all your energy for eating the sweets later. 

[rottenadvicecolumn]

Robbs, I have a villain name but my hero doesn’t get why it works. Any suggestions?

Dear Name,

Heroes don’t get anything so there’s no point in explaining it to them. Sport tries to get me to be *~*nice*~* all the time-- like anyone named Rotten could be nice =_= 

Do yourself a favor and don’t worry too much about it. It could be the best name ever, could strike fear into the hearts of everyone in town, and your hero would most likely STILL not understand it. 

It’s our curse for being clever.