Might use this still, every now and then.
Ever since returning from training, Iāve felt a lot of complicated feelings Iāve never felt before and canāt really express verbally to other people.
Life here is the same. But I feel different. Very different.
Itās a little frustrating, not being able to find people back home that share the same mindset as me. Obviously, doing what I enjoy and what I need to do. But also with the subtle idea in the back of the head that this could all be taken away at any moment.
I see things differently now. I see habits and complacency and laziness and a lack of motivation.
But everything... is still the same. My role here is the same. People regard me the same. Friends regard me the same. Women regard me the same. Everything is the same. The only difference is that people make army jokes now. And thatās about it.
Donāt get me wrong, there are some things Iām so glad remain the same. My team. The Western House people. Dance.
But there are others... that frustrate me. There are dynamics that frustrate me, that I hope would have changed. But nothing has changed.
Snapshot of what Iām trying to do right now: Compartmentalize the sadness/anger/pain/etc. from rejection #29094, a relationship I invested so much of my heart into in so little time. In training, this ring I carried around my neck carried me through the rough times. The dark times. The times where I felt like I was losing myself and turning into someone I didnāt want to be.
And while in my heart, I knew this wasnāt right for me, that we were in completely different stages of life and it just wasnāt meant to be, I feel like I wasted my heart while I was gone. All the letters I wrote... I could have spent that time working out, sleeping, or writing people that actually responded. All the feelings I felt... I could have poured into prayer or self-reflection or my platoon mates.
Iām not really letting on how much this is affecting me to anyone outside of the like two people that will read this blog post, and thatās because itās not really affecting me. Iām not letting it affect me. Iām currently working on wrapping up this pain I feel and storing it elsewhere in my heart. Because I donāt have time for this right now. Human emotion is so burdening, yet we all experience it. We all carry it.
Iām trying to find my focus, but itās hard when thereās so much fucking emotionĀ around me. And in me. And thatās what I mean by nothing has changed. Everything and everyone is still so fucking emotional. And while I donāt let my emotions take over, I donāt like the fact that theyāre there. I donāt like the fact that thereās still a darkness in my heart from training that I still havenāt been able to shake. I donāt like the fact that 99% never wants to get deployed, but the 1% of me that does wants to do things Iāve never wanted to do before.
Am I broken? Or is everything around me broken?Ā
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