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i hate you, yet thank you

i thought i hurt you when he chose me, I thought i’m at fault cause they say so i felt wrong when it happened, but it happened.

yet, does it makes him joyful and contented when he stays, when he ignores me, when he manage us to stay friends

its not me who does the first move, its not me who texted Hi its never me who said i love you that time.

have you asked yourself why he did it why he mange to give you up for a stranger who firmly broke you and hung you up to dry

cause until now I can’t comprehend how how he love me so possesively the way he cares for me so protectively

i always wonder, have you done things to him before, have you caught him off guard, or have got him so mad and left him

cause i did, all the time, always yet he always choose to forgive me he always the first one to say sorry

does he ever cry when you don’t want to talk, do you always fall asleep in the middle of a conversation does he makes you laugh so hard and loud,

I don’t want to know i hate the way i think about you if only i never knew everything about you, yet not

i cannot erase the past, as well as you you always be part him, and i hate it yet thank you for loving him, my man will not be what he is now apart from you

i hate it because You happened, i am jealous cause he loved you yet i thank you.

Amazing 1(First) Date it is almost 10:30 in the evening, and still wide awake. feeling excited for tomorrow. well honestly, it will be a usual sunday with him and it is always extra ordinary. tomorrow, we will go to the place where this all started, that one special day where forever starts to unfold. It was a sunday, everyone is so excited for the world's historical fight of pacman and mayweather, it was all in the papers and radios. with zero crime rates and a peaceful traffic in all streets of metro manila. but wait, thats not the forever, i want to talk about. now lets start. with all the fuzz of the people that day, some butterflies inside of me is too energetic to calm. this is not just a sunday. this is 'The Day', i know all girls can relate with me, or am i alone when i say, in my 22 years of existence, this is my first ever serious date EVER! ok, enough with the excitement, here it goes. i got up early so i can mashed up the perfect clothes to wear, note that i secretly bought a couple of blouses to choose from the day before, now it is never a secret, and i still ended up wearing what i am comfortable with. polo, leggings and a comfy shoes. not surprisingly, my date arrived 5 minutes earlier than what we agreed, with all the direction i have instructed i assume he will lose track, but i know he wont. anyway, not confident with what i look, i met him courageously, saying to myslef, ok gail, just be you. as i saw that tall guy in a black polo shirt and pants, the perfect young man smiling, waiting for me on the otherside of the road, i cannot comprehend the feeling i have that moment when i step out of the gate freezing to death while he appoached me, saying hi. as talkative as i was, i felt so nervous that all i did was talk and talk and talk, and he is just there, do not know if he is intentionally smiling or just his normal face, looking at me, keenly interested to hear my noise. awkward. i mean, i am not used to be stared at, and it makes me feel conscious of my face. after hearing the message of God and also talking to Him about the 'Is he the one!' prayer and thanked Him for the moment. we went to the famous maginhawa food street in Q.C. this is unplanned, I understand he is nervous, and i am too. so we walk/search for a bit on where we would like to eat. i dont mind, because i love walking, or i started to appreciate walking with a company. its the latter. haha here i saw the different side of him. the character i never seen in the office, or tried not to notice. its our first time alone together, dont judge. he is a foodie! he knows the best food to eat and the best combinations to try. and the most shocking news of all time was We both love burgers! and the tention went away. whew! here comes Burger Project. here they require you to name you burger, i named mine amazing, and he name he's with '1'. i did not ask why it was 1, since i already know why. too proud! i did not ask because i do not want to know why, ok. 1 - First. duh! surprisingly, it was our first date, yet it seems like it was not, it feels like we have been bonded ever since, we already shared our food and drinks. and awkwardly planned our future home. with the rules, gadgets are not allowed in the bedroom. living room is for family time. too fast dont you think? i had fun spending time with him, it was really an Amazing 1 (first) Burger Date. after eating, we had our smoking dessert at iscreamist, i cant hide the excitement in me. it was my first time eating ice cream with him, i mean eating a smoking ice cream. i deeply apreciate the effort of making me experince the most talk about food. even my officemates notice it. until now. i told you i love to walk, we went to UP, spent on hour or two walking, talking, letting each other know what we are outside the office. sharing thoughts of our parents on that first date, yes they know, he ask permission to my parents. we even discovered somethings we have in common. and it was mega super duper fun that until now, i cannot help but smile, reminiscing that day where we had our first date. it was already 5pm, and my stomach started to turn. funny right, we walked UP all the way to Q.C. circle just to poop. awkward, but true. in this moment i realized, this was not just an ordinary friendship. he cares even in my gross moments. he accepts me even if im not that typical girl on a first date. he loves me the way i am. and now we do fart at each other. eww it's been 6 months and 20 days since mayweather defeated pacman, my brother-in-law even was amazed that he sacrificed sports event just to be with me. and it was all worth it. now we are on our 6th month together. feels like it was just only yesterday, nothing has change. he is still that simple smiling loving guy waiting for me outside my gate, still the gentleman walking me home. still loving me the way he knows how from the day, i dont know exactly when, until forever. oh already 12midnight see later bebe.

temporary people.

i happen to make friends easily. i can talk to different kinds of people. it feeles like we can have something to talk to whatever kind of person you are. the thing is i dont usually get easily attached. i can share conversations, laughs, experiences and frustrations but i do not usually insert emotion immediately. emotions meaning care and love and trust. respect would be easy to earn but trust and care would take a lot of time. especially love. maybe this is the reason why i dont easily welcome people to my life that fast. it will take me a moment to trust people and most of the time i always think that they are just temporary and will be gone in a short while. i spent my elementary days with lots of friends but only one was left. i finished high school and i have less than my finger number of close people. and we barely see each other, i am a part of a small girl group when i was in college and theyre the only people i remember having during those times. when i was a kid i thought having many friends are going to make you happy. but as a grow older i learned to see the important people that treats me important too. however, it is my weakness to open to people whom i new for a short time. i have some trust issues and it triggers me to make them part of my life. i am choosy, and i thank God that even though i am born like this there are people who stand right beside me and chooses me either to be part of their life. soon i will meet the guy who will make me trust him as much as i trust God and its better to be sooner than later.

Life after tussles

it was late at night when i reread my messages from my dearest college friends. Well, they are not friends they are family.

as i gone through the conversation and got to "how are you" part i suddenly ask myself. How am i? honestly? it was a difficult question that until now, after two days, cant answer.

its not because i am not OK, or something is really going bad in my life. but the thing is, i became lenient with my life that I treat everyday like ordinary and woke up realizing its been a year or two since i plan to have a meaningful life. to make the story short. i am wasted.

here are the questions that we are obliged to answer in print.

How are you after college. What happen to you?

How are you at your work? Or school or both? What is your plan?

How is your family? How is your heart/love life?

How is your relationship with God? How God has been faithful to you? How did you encounter God personally .

Quite i paragraph i presume, but i have no i idea what to answer really.

Tomorrow is a Sunday, and I need answer NOW.

First, How am i after College and what happen to me? after college, i was hire as a process improvement assistant at one of the most reliable bank in the country. i was connected with them for almost a year and i half now. During those times of stay, God expresses His vision to extend my borders and He has an amazing plan for my life better than what i have now. It was a huge leap of faith for me to trust Him the fact that i don't know where He will lead me, after 3 months God revealed to me to study again. As He said in His words to Jacob, Go to Egypt and I will be with you. So i trusted him, and consider taking Masters in Risk and Insurance Management. as i process my paper I saw how God do his works form the time of application until i was admitted. It was an exciting journey and i know He will be with me until the end.

Second, How am i at work and school and what are my plan? at first i find it difficult to balance work and school but God impresses that it is difficult because i am not too wise to manage my time. Little by little i happened to restore my old self and start loving to multi-task again. My prayer is to find a job where i can practice what i am studying. God made me love auditing and i am praying for an opportunity that can make me maximize what He is storing in me right now.

Third, How is my family and love life. Amazingly, my family is so close now that it was never before. I can say thing i don't usually say to my parents before, like i love you and take care. I seldom call them at night when i was studying but now it was a routine. My siblings and i grew our relationship closer as well. i always hang out at the hospital whenever i wanted and i can also share the things i rarely share to my sister. Last fasting, i prayed to be more intimate with my siblings and little by little i can reach out to them. and i know that if there is anyone who can help you no matter what it is my family, i can not only get financial help to them but most especially love that most people barely get. Love life? amazing how God manages to fill in the longing of having a person to hold forever. Miraculously i had prayed once like "God if you have someone for me, keep him because i don't want him to see me right now i am still a mess. Just make us best before you cross our roads together or if there's none, i know you can make me happy". and i was all contended of what i have right now. But i still manage to get envious at times when i see father and son playing together i was like, God someday i will have something like that right?

Lastly, How is my relationship with God? How God has been faithful to me? How did i encounter God personally .Yes, God has been so gracious all the time, that i even prayed Lord do not grow tired of forgiving me. I always try my best but i always falling short. Everyday I am thankful of knowing Him, because aside from him I can no longer survive the worldlies. He is my best-friend, i can say things i cant say to people. Now i am more honest to Him with my emotions. I still cry whenever i have heart to heart with Him. There are times when He is silent and I am hard headed. but He is gracious to keep on letting me know that there is nothing i can do to make Him love me less. He never given up on me. I honestly can't survive without knowing that He is there. Miraculously i can reach out to other people, by extending His love towards me. I happen to talk to others and some of them run to me to be enlightened. the are times when i do wrong but He is always there reassuring me that He always had my back.

Whew. I thought i don't have the words to right, It is not what we usually say that matters, it is what we usually do. and i often count the blessing God gives me but when i put it to words, A day to write is not enough. I thought i was lenient but i was not, i am just too overwhelmed because my everyday is so blessed that being extra-ordinary was usual for me

As i chat to those amazing girls, it felt like i have not spoken for a while. They are the people who sees my best and my worst yet accepted me anyway. maybe that's the reason why i thought this is only the time where i enjoyed talking, in the situation chatting.

#roxy

just eat good food

according to Tuft University Health & Nutrition Letter's artcle about Red meat, they dicuss the health benefits of eating red meat. The article states that people who often eat meat consumes more saturated fats that could possibly be compatible with good health. The author maintains that red meat fits perfectly well into diets that lower blood cholestelor and decrease disease risk. in addition, they say that red meat, beef specifically, is among the best dietary sources of iron and zinc. The author says that consuming pound of meat to market uses up uses up more environmental resources like water and land. They believe that if everyone became a vegetarian overnight, the world economy would take a dive in poorer nations as well as wealthy ones like our. however, Tunick believes otherwise. on her article about vegetarianism, she enumerates great reason why people should eat vegetables. The article states that vegetarian diet reduces the risk for several diseases such as obesity, high blood pressure, and certain types of cancer. Furthermore, the author, citing reasearchers at Linda University in California, that vegetarians live about seven years longer than meat-eaters, and people who consumes no animal products live about eight years longer. She also mentions that being a vegetarians can lessen animal that are slaughtered for human consumption. She agrees with Walker that by concentrating thousands of animals into a small area, industrial animal production creates threats to both the environment and human health, another reason to go vegan. In conclusion, Eating Red meat and vegetables are both good not only for your health but also for the health of our environment. According to Barbara, Health reasons, environmental concern ethics- whatever motivation for choosing vegetarianism, you are in good company. I say, either eat red meat or vegetable- whatever you choose to stay healthy and environment-friendly, you are in a good company.

#assignment #roxy

no matter how hard and loud i scream my feelings for you. you are too far away to hear it. i miss you and there’s nothing i can do to end it. please come back.

the moment i realize, i just lost everything.

nine months ago when i cried my eyes out to someone whom i thought would be on my side forever and did not. and little by little i have overcame the memories we had, i overwrought them one by one. I thought everything is gone for good. I disposed the things that would make me remember. i stop running to lessen the pain. i started making friends to replace the loneliness. and i felt contented temporarily. soon enough i realized i lost him totally and its fine. and little by little i can do the things i never done without him. i can watch movie, i can live all by myself. i started to run again and get back to my own active self. i was fit and always on the go. in my mind it is way too better than how i felt before. after a week or two of enjoying my greatness, i got injured, i cant even walk steadfastly. i cant run even if i badly wanted to. i realized, i am running because i miss him. there i knew i never moved on. not only because of my injured leg. i also lost his Facebook account, his phone number, his other phone number, the tiniest possiblity to reunite was finally ended just because i lost my phone. whew. the most painful part is still around my corners. it is when i lost the thinnest details i left of him. i thought i am done with this. I thought i am too old for these. but the pain grew stronger and i cant bare it no longer. i miss every single part of him. but i just lost him again, but now its for good.

#roxy #heartbreak

suddenly I started thinking about you. i miss you again. the moments we had. the things we have done, the thoughts we both shared. the useless fight we argued, the places we gone through. the endearment we had. the hugs we shared, the words I thought was true. the moments you have taken me for granted, the times when you choose to sleep rather than talk to me, the events we attended, the movies we had watched, the stories I thought is true, the lies you told me. the awkward moments. the kissess, the fight, the fight, the fight. and I realized, i miss you no more.

i am about to give up,and i did it anyway

i got up this morning, feeling ready for school. i prep up early so i will not be late. it was almost two weeks since my last class and there are no take home activities so i never did anything the whole time. i must say, my writing class almost took every energy i have for the day. physically, emotionally and mentally. i wrote to summry from the article i do not know where it came from. i wrote two back to back yellow paper and it made me exhausted. whew. after that loongest three hours of my life i almost thought of quiting school. I thought i never get through every activities. every reports, every marketing plan they require. i was about to give up. but amazing God reminds me the covenant we had. if you go to egypt i will be right beside you. i will not say it would be easy but it will be all worth it. just fix your eye on me. do not worry nor disappoint yourself but enjoy each moment you have. because in times where you are not sure i am with you. in times you are not confident i am your strength and in every times you doubt youself i am there supporting you, holding you never letting you go. here i am. says the Lord. so what else to do but give up and let him do his way for me. i didnt give up on the circumstances but i gave up holding them and let God take them for me.

#roxy #wordsofwisdon #StudentLife

finish the race.

#RunRox

#roxy

just right. i bought my arm band a year ago. it is a factory-made for iPhone 4s, however my fone back then was blackberry curve. I thought so long as it fits, i can use it. and i did. after a while, I bought another fone, a cherrymobile flare. it fits in with the armband but it is quite bulky. but just like what i said, so long as it fits i can use it. until the flare broke and got demoted to nokia c2. it fits but too small it fit in. but i can still use it in running so i do not mind at all. after a month, my sister got me another cherrymobile titan. too big for the armband but i manage to tuck it in everytime i run. but the armband is too small to hold it. until for some reason i happen to stop running. i forgot about the armband and working out as well. and my sister just got me a brand new iPhone 4s as a birthday gift. I maximze every function of it, so as I thought. I downloaded every apps i wanted and needed. this is last week by the way. today, i felt guilty of what i ate the whole day so i decided to run for an hour or two. as i perp up, it came to my senses that i have a 4s! surprise. i mean i can use it for running. so i find my armband and for the longest time, after fitting one phone to another. there they was perfectly fit for each other. not too big, not too small, not too wide, not too long, they are just right. ting!!!!!! realization #1 in a span of one year, i had 5 different phones. i must try sticking to one next time. realization #2 do not try to match up things, you know was intended to another. in short, do not settle for alternatives. i knew from the start that the armband was factory-made for iPhone 4s but i bought it for another anyway. realization #3 it will happen when you least expect it. i said i did stop running and stopped using the armband as well. the time i stop using it was the time its pair came a long, i had them for a week but they come across at the right time at the right moment. realization #4 impossible is possible. I honestly dont want to have an iPhone. so i did not expect to have one. I thought I didn't want it, but i do. and it made me so happy right now. together with the armband. if you dont want it know doesnt mean you don't want it tomorrow. who knows its what you've been waiting for. realization #5 God made me see that things happen in its right time. He has a plan better than what i have to myself. i tried to make things in my own way. i tried to fill in the gaps but nothing fits right. only Him can do it perfectly. there are lots of times when i nag Him to have something now and refuse to wait upon his timing, but now he made me see that there are things that are worth waiting for. just do what God told you to do, the next thing you know what you have been waiting for is just right around your corner.

#runrox #wait #wordsofwisdom #roxy

i am wonderfully made

i never see myself as beautiful as anybody esle. i grew up where people telling me i look older than my sister who happened to be 8 years older than me. i was never attractive and likable to opposite sex. in other words. i am ugly. i accepted the things others told me. and later did i know it consumes me and affected my self-esteem big time. i never believed the few who compliments me. i never agree to thise who admire me. and i never believed that i can be loved by anyone else. these is the reason why i was afraid to takeover isk in everything. i am afriad of failing and i wanted to do the things i know i can win. so i turn my attention to the things i am good at. i told myself if i can earn a lot i can buy things i want and go to places wherever whenever. and those who judge me will be wronged. but God made me realize that i was made in his image. and everything in my life was within his amazig plans. he made me fearfully and wonderfully made. and who know the every number of my hair. he knows when i sit and when i got up. he knows me and everything i do. and when i feel down he is there to comfort me. there is nothing i can do that made him love me less. he loves me and it will never change. all my life I thought no one will ever love me no matter what. I thought i will never be accepted by anyone. but he made me realize that i do not need the approval of anybody but only his. he is enough. thats all i need. he is all i need.

#roxy #joy

i am fat and sometimes i don't care

most girls eat a lot and feel guilty after. i am. i eat and feel depressed and huge later on. and when i eat, its not healthy. i am dreaming to become fitter ever since. there comes i time when I worked out everyday just to get into shape. but there are times when i just eat whatever i want. but in the end I regretted. i admit, i gained weight and not working out for a couple of months now. i dont know if i will go back or just go back to with my old fat self. i want to get fit. who isnt. but i am getting tired of starving myself. keeping away to the fun i used to experience. the life with out limitation and restrictions. who doesnt want to be on your true self all the time. as i look back. i dont want to be in a corner where i can missed every fun i could have because of the standards i have for myself. i never wanted to keep on trying to please others but deep inside i know i am not happy. it is not about the food. i can eat anything i want to eat or i cant eat it if i want to. the important thing is i am happy with what i do. and its my personal choice. until now i want to be fitter but i will no longer limit myself in doing the things i should have done to have fun. i want to be healthy with what i eat. thus i want also to be healthy with my socail life. in my long years of battling with myself i learned how to differentiate the things that i can control to the things i cant. i can minimize the volume of i can eat. but i cant please people by the way i look. i must be myself and that must be the thinng they will love about me. now im not in a diet mode anymore. i cant promise to be fitter. i can only lessen the volume of what i consume. it doent matter if your fat or not. so long as its your choice and your happy with it. me, i never been happier.

#roxy #fat #happy #wordsofwisdom

birthday gift

my birthday is a month from now, well its not a big deal. its just a day where you can say hey i have survived another year am getting older, and i still dont know what is happening in my life, in my 22 years of existence, there are things that i learned and tried and forever cherish. but as i grow older, i can differentiate what are things that last and important to things that is not significant. ever since i love to be with my family. i only hang out with them. and i love to be with them always. i dont like school but now i realized if only i can go back in the times where i can do my very best in class. and A's my subjects consistently. I thought having a special someone will satisfy my emptiness but God made me see that He is enough. when i am in a hurry, there are the only times i realized that i am wasting my time. always, always. but i never learn. now as i think of the things i should have done, places i must have gone through. people whom i should talk to. they are never going back. all i can do is to make it better when it happened again. my sister just told me that she had her gift for me a while ago. and i was so delighted. i happen to recieve gifts often, but in my age things are little different. some people might not give anymore and you could just pinpoint does people who are intentional. one of whom is my sister. she never missed out any. and i love to have her as my family. i admit, we are not close. but little by little we fill in the gaps and later did i know we are sharing things together, like what had happen all week, how do you do on school, do you have money, or you can stay here if you want. those kind of things i know most of siblings do not usually experience. luckily i do, my brother and i do. even in her busy schedule as a doctor, she never forgot to check up on us, and she assures us that when we needed something shes always there for us. there are lot of gifts you can give to other people. but you and you alone are the most meaningful. you can give all you want. but few can give time and love. i am proud i have a sister, without her, i dont have iphone.

#gft #roxy #bdy

its better to make mistake earlier in life, take risk!

hi, (this word have been the first word coming out of my mouth today) am 21 years old, i have never taken any big risk before and now i had a feeling i will.

i never got into a relationship, because I thought I would be hurt. i never took any exam that i know will turn my brain upside down. i never tried to cut class because i felt i might miss some important lectures. and i never got into something i did not study for.

my investment seminar suggest that never invest in something you do not understand. but i do understand, its just that i dont know.

ok, fine, its a gym. i was dropped on a wrong corner at edsa pasay road, and i saw this enormous facility, the slimmers world, which i have heard before, just not paying attention to it, and i said to myself i why should it try, so i inquired and now, i was about to enter to a decision where i about to say yes.

part of me say go for it, you might as well return to your usual figure, other one say, take it slow, and get to know the gym first.

i dont know what to do, tommorow it is, i hope i can decide sooner.

but i feel like, who cares whats gonna happen, im young and there must be a room for some mistakes and i will take it. if it turn out good, i will be delighted, if its a disappointment i will find something else. and in that time i can afford much better right. atleast i tired.

i mean, can i just atleast see the man first before marrying him.

in troubled waters

is there a time in your life when felt all you are doing is wrong. or maybe everything you do will turn out to be a wreck. well it happens to me everytime. just like now. i am scheduled to report couple of hours from now, and i barely mastered what i will discuss. i will talk about product strategy, where in marketers are able to evaluate and come up with a perfect strategy based on identifying the wants and needs of the consumers. it was quiet a long chapter and here i am writing about my feeling and not working out on it. whenever i speak in front i am always nervous, well who isnt, i always forgot the key words i am about to say. and i ended up making up examples and whatnot. i always feel that i will fail. i will ruin everything up. that lead me on not making my full effort in preparing for it. i always wanted to be fluent in English. i want to have confidence in the way i speak. i want my sentences to be well-constructed. but i always fail. i dont have any of it. i just wish i get that someday. but now i am in the library, seeing people do their own business and im here, just waiting for something i dont know. God help me. speak through me. i can do this without you. i dont want to do this without you. let me find confidence in you. and help me find the apt words as i speak later. give me the umderstanding and help ma master it. i just love you.

#LordLovesMe

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