goodbye to the city that was full of so many firsts for me.
the first time i stood up on my own two feet and lived alone, even though i'm not sure i can call it that because i had a school to support me and wasn't working here.
i was so afraid of so many things, but little by little i grew into my skin, both literally and figuratively. literally, i've adorned myself with tattoos and piercings here for the first time, even though i used to believe my body was too ugly for those things. figuratively, i think i've learned more about what kind of person i am, what i want and need, what i like and don't like.
for the first time, i gave up on someone. i'm always worried about maintaining friendships, but sometimes it really doesn't work out. sometimes you both get hurt and someone needs to just cut the string before everyone gets scarred.
for the first time, i learned what it feels like to be tipsy and that i don't like it, which is okay.
i've learned that i am capable of making friends but i just take a little longer than others.
i've learned it's okay to reach out to people and that i shouldn't be scared, but it won't always go well and that is okay.
i have learned that i really am a pushover. i don't know how to say no and i don't know my own thoughts and opinions. i've learned to understand how i feel by focusing on which decision i'll regret the most, and i've learned that it's not bad to be a pushover because two stubborn people won't get anywhere, but that it's okay to learn to stand upright once in a while when i feel strongly about something.
i enjoyed my hobbies to the maximum here without feeling ashamed. i attended concerts and birthday events. i bought albums. i sang my heart out at karaoke, alone a lot of the time. i ate whatever i wanted, even if i didn't consistenly run every morning.
although i'm sure my morning runs will form a core memory, those days when i woke up at 7 and left at 8am towards dongdaemun station, running by the underpass and gritting my teeth because i would always get stared at. then coming back at 9 to take my laundry out and hang it in my tiny room, the laundry i'd started at 7 when i woke up.
i'll miss my gongcha runs after my 9am class on tuesdays and thursdays, when the same boy would always be working. if i knew korean a little better, maybe i'd befriend him.
i'll miss gongcha in general a lot, and all the flavours.
i'll miss hearing songs i know everywhere, seeing my idols everywhere and joking about how maybe treasure is in that big black car with the tinted windows passing by.
i'll miss coming to hongdae practically everyday, not for the clubs but for the stores and cafรฉs.
i'll miss late night ice cream runs from the convenience store. i'll miss walking up the steps next to the goshiwon to the spot with the pretty nice view whenever i felt sad or stressed. i'll miss salt24 and their nutella croissant. i'll miss budajjigae and the way every ingredient in that thing goes so well with each other. i'll miss the bells on restaurant tables so you don't have to awkwardly wait for a server to pass by before you tell them what you need. i'll miss the self serve water and side dishes stations. i'll miss the stores that sell cute things for so cheap. i'll miss being able to watch channie's room at a normal time in the evening.
i'll dearly miss the yg cafรจ, which became my safe space on days when T would go do other things without me. i always felt so comfortable there.
i'll miss so many things and i'll probably forget about all the things that gave me a hard time, like not being able to breathe when i'm alone and walking in public because everyone's staring at me because i'm a foreigner. things like the language barrier, the loneliness i felt on persian new year, feeling like i was incapable of making friends. people pushing you when they want to get off the subway even though you're clearly getting off, too. being T's caretaker for my whole exchange and feeling so small because of many of the things she does. feeling insecure about my friends and not knowing if they care for me.
but i'll forget those things because the good outshines the bad, and as much as i struggled, cried, felt pain and any negative emotion, there was always light.
light like the restaurant worker giving me watermelon on a hot day when i was picking up quarantine food for T again. me being offered a seat 6 rows closer at the stray kids concert and meeting a stay who befriended me. winning entry to kard's showcase, winning a first row seat by luck and also Jseph's polaroid.
thank you. i worked so hard to get here, as selfish and big-headed as it sounds. rereading my logs from before arriving here reminds me of just how badly i wanted to be here. i spent a lot of time feeling sad, lonely, and left out, but i won't regret it. those feelings were part of the exchange, too.
i worked hard to remain here, and now it's time to go. i don't want to go just yet, but it is time to go and there's no delaying it.
all of this is okay. it's okay.
these 5 months will form the most beautiful memory for me. it was the best time of my life, no matter how hard and upsetting it was at times, no matter how the people around me acted.
to me, to anyone who reads this, i hope all of us remember that anything is doable. anything is possible and i promise that the things we want will happen, if we believe and if we put in the effort. when i first landed in korea and during the taxi ride to my quarantine location, when i went to get covid tested and when i finally left quarantine, i was so in awe. i was mezmerized and i was so happy i could die, because finally i was in korea. i couldn't believe i had made it happen.
those days, i remember them so vividly. it feels like it was just yesterday. and now i'm going back to canada.
yesterday, our last full day, T and i spent part of it in hongdae. hongdae is special for us because it was the first part of seoul we left the goshiwon to go see. we were always there every week and it was also the last part of seoul we went to see on our last day. each time we were there, we were slightly different. i think hongdae was the place that watched us grow the most.
so thank you, seoul. you were nice to me at times, but it always mostly felt like you were just tolerating me. nonetheless, so much happened in your city. i'm ready to carry you on my back. i'll never forget you, and i hope you won't forget me either.
thank you for being with me, if you read through this log at any point. i'm not sure if it did anything for you, but i hope it was worthwhile!
i hope you too, reader (if there are any), go chase your dreams and make it happen. it doesn't matter what other people think about your dream. if you treasure it, then run straight towards it.
this is roya, june 25th 2022, day of flight back to canada, signing off a post for the last time. may you all be well!! โก
