A story in which you, a non-binary person (AFAB), come out to Colonel Mustang as non-binary. After your awful experience in your past branch, you find it hard to express how you feel.
Requested by the lovely @just-doing-shtuff !! A reminder that my requests are open. (:
Your stomach churned as you held onto your uniform belt, vision shaking from left to right as you tried to bring yourself back to reality. Why would he ask such a heavy question? And why couldn’t you read the expression on his face as he asked you? You couldn’t bear to answer, and your body moved for you, as if you were being controlled from an outside force. You couldn’t even reach the women’s restroom, all you could do was bolt to the private bathroom in Roy’s office, locking the door and holding onto whatever was closest to you.Â
“[Name], what exactly… are you?”
If only he knew… Knew how difficult it was to live your day to day life. Being called your redacted name, hearing whispers behind your back, trying everything in your power to look “androgynous enough.” You cut your hair, flattened your chest, deepended your voice, wasn’t that all enough? What more could you do to validate your gender identity? What was there left?
Your old branch was extremely transphobic towards you, and all you could do was take it, unfortunately. You felt alienated, isolated, like a monster all because you wanted to be your true self. “That doesn’t exist.” “God only made two genders: male and female.” “You’re doing this for attention, [Name.]” “Of course, Miss.” They were so loud, so rude, so… belligerent. These words haunted you each day, making you want to quit your job and just hide where no one could hurt you.Â
You weren’t exactly hostile about your identity, all you’ve done is quietly ask others to refer to you as Y/N, and use your correct pronouns. Yet, they make you feel as though you’re harming them by asking. The aggression in their tones as they insisted you were a woman, and how you were overcomplicating things for them. Was it too much to ask? Is it that much of a burden to make an effort? Were you not worth the time? The energy?
You were seeing everything in triples, shifting in and out from clear to blurry vision. Nothing was making sense, yet enough sense to make you panic. Your binded chest felt extra tight as you gasped for air, not realizing you were holding in your breath. The constriction felt extra tight at this moment, not necessarily helping your situation. You heard a gentle knock on the door but couldn’t bear to answer, not knowing what to do. You didn’t know what was the right or wrong answer, you didn’t know how Roy would react. You knew how you felt and who you were, but you didn’t know if it was okay. You didn’t know what was at risk, but you knew it all at the same time.Â
“Lieutenant, I’m sorry…” Roy mumbled from the outside of the door. The strain in his voice was apparent, the underlying guilt coming through. He realized how harsh his question was, how dehumanizing it was to hear those words. “What are you?” Really, Roy? A great way to bring up a conversation. Just because you are confused, doesn’t mean that they deserve your frustration in return. How insensitive could one be?
You couldn’t utter a response, though your throat burned to comfort Roy. Tears flooded your vision as you listened to him, and they quickly escaped once the door handle turned. A great time to have forgotten to lock it. The sight of you pained Roy, causing his chest to burn with guilt. He closed the door behind him and locked it before rushing to you. Roy wrapped an arm around you, assisting you down to the floor as you shook. He then pulled you into a tight embrace, holding your face to his chest. Part of it was to comfort you, and part was so he didn't have to see you cry. A selfish act, however a necessary one. He squeezed you tightly and mumbled a small apology, hands shakily wrapping around your back as you continued to cry, not yet ready to speak.
The two of you sat on the floor for a mere few minutes, however to Roy it felt like hours. Muffled sobs echoed in the room, and Roy felt it on his chest as he rubbed your back. The guilt piled up in his stomach, reaching up to the top of his throat, blocking him from apologizing more. He couldn't bear to say a word as you cried. Your hands gripped the back of his uniform as you pressed your forehead against his chest, attempting to keep your breathing steady. Your chest felt so tight, and your breathing was well past uncontrolled. The tears trailed down your face, leading to your neck and shirt, pooling down your chest. You quickly wiped away the remaining tears, forcing yourself to calm down. You wasted enough of his time.Â
You settled for hiccuping every once and a while, moving back to wrapping your arms around Roy. You exhaled shakily, croaking a small "I'm sorry..." Roy immediately sat up more, as if coming back to consciousness. "No, no... It's-It's all right, Lieutenant. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry... nor ask you in such a... an insensitive way." He replied, hand mapping out your back subconsciously. You shook your head and remained where you were, wanting to hide your face. You didn't want him to see you cry even more. He might make fun of you, just as they used to.
"It's... Okay... You didn't know..." You took a deep breath. "And to answer your question... I'm... I..." You looked further down, forehead pressed against the button of Roy's jacket. "I know it's difficult to believe, but I... I'm not a woman." You cringed at your own words, clenching your teeth as you waited for Roy to respond. The silence was so loud, causing a ringing soundÂ
to echo in the back of your mind. Roy cleared his throat and exhaled softly. “I… I’m not sure what you mean by that, [Name].” You cringed at the name, eye twitching as a wave of adrenaline ran through your body. Your arms shook around Roy, creating an unstable hold. “I-I’m… Not a woman… And not a m-man either… I’m just… a person.” You tried to explain, not daring to look up at Roy.Â
Roy didn’t really know what to think, the gears in his mind turned as he tried to understand what you meant. If you were crying this hard about it, it was obviously important to you. But he couldn’t wrap his head around what you were trying to say. “I’m sorry I still… I-I just don’t understand…” He mumbled, rubbing his palm up your back in an attempt at comfort.
You exhaled and sniffled, looking further down. “I’m non-binary… It-It means I’m not a woman or a man… I-Instead of saying she… or he with me you’d just say they… N-Neither feels right and it just-” God, now you were starting to cry again. Not now. “It h-hurts so bad when people call me she… or-or a woman… I-I’m not and it hurts so bad…” You were beginning to lose control of your tears. Every time you were misgendered played in your head in a loop, clouding your thoughts. “I just… I just want to be called Y/N. And-And be referred to as they… or them… Is-Is that too much to ask? I-I just want to be happy…” You cried into Roy’s chest, gripping handfuls of his uniform. Your shoulders shook as you cried, tears staining your face.Â
The Colonel couldn’t move, hand stopping its previous movements. A single tear glided down his cheek, his lip quivering. He felt so… awful. This entire time he was hurting you, his Lieutenant. His partner. His… Everything. Every waking moment of his life was spent with you, and this entire time he was hurting you. Causing you pain, tears, and god knows what else. He wiped away his own tears with a shaky gloved hand, placing it back on your side when he was finished.Â
“[Name]-Sorry… Y-Y/N I am so… So sorry…” He mumbled, squeezing you tightly against his chest. “I d-didn’t know you felt this way this entire time… I’m so sorry for hurting you…” His voice cracked as he held you, tears raining down to the top of your head. You shook your head against his chest, hiccuping. “S-Sir it’s all right… You didn’t know…” You mumbled to Roy.
Those were the last words said for a while, all that could be heard were muffled sniffles and coughs, partnered by the occasional deep breath. The two of you remained on the floor, comforting each other the best you could, not thinking about the romantic tension between you two. Roy rubbed circles in your back and you squeezed him gently, but firm enough to provide a sense of stability.
After ten minutes of silence, Roy finally spoke, voice a bit scratchy from the lack of speaking. “Y/N, I will do everything in my power to refer to you properly. And I will make sure everyone else will as well.” He stated suddenly, grip tightening. Your heart skipped a beat, eyes widening at his statement. Never in your life would you expect those words to escape his mouth… Yet here he was, speaking the sentence of your dreams… And holding you close to him. “Thank you… So much…” Years of fighting, being misgendered, tears… It was finally worth it. You felt valued as a person, and cared for… In reality this was the bare minimum, but damn did it feel nice.Â
The shift was slow, but the effort was there. Roy would correct himself now and then, but he was getting better. He began with telling his men about this new change. Riza was the first to congratulate you, bringing you a bouquet of yellow, white, and purple flowers. It was the best she could do. You couldn’t help but hug her immediately, a tear escaping your eye. She immediately reciprocated, letting out a small chuckle at your sweet reaction.Â
Maes was the second to give a larger reaction, crying to you and wrapping his arms around you the day after he found out. He apologized many times and promised he would try his best, not letting go of you for quite some time. When he let go of you, you saw a large shadow appear over him, freezing. You hesitantly turned around, and as you did so you were enveloped into a much tighter, and stronger hug… Armstrong…
He cried to you, rubbing his cheek and mustache against your hair as he squeezed you. “OH, DEAR Y/N I AM SO SORRY, I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO HELP YOU! IF YOU NEED A SINGLE THING PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I, ALEX LO-” He was cut off by Maes attempting (and failing, mind you,) to release you from Armstrong’s powerful grasp. Armstrong backed away and apologized, nodding to you in respect.
Roy was quite strict with your name and pronouns, and since he was well respected, so were you. Even if the slip ups were unintentional, he would firmly state “Y/N.” “They.” “Them.” “Theirs.” You weren’t used to being defended in such a way, but each time it made your heart warm. You could see the visible annoyance on his face anytime a slip up was made, and to be quite honest it made you warm in a different way. Maybe it was the defensiveness in his voice, or the fact that he cared for you enough to get angry, or maybe it was the fact that you loved him…
He never brought up that day again, but it did remain in his mind. Maybe it was the intimacy of the moment, or the vulnerability of the two of you, holding onto each other as you cried. He shouldn’t be thinking of you this way, especially due to a moment where you were crying in his arms. But he couldn’t help this warm burn in his heart. A burn that caused his palms to sweat and cheeks to flush. He felt like he was in grade school all over again.
The way your lips frowned as you cried, the warmth of your arms around him, the way he wanted to kiss your lips into a smile. Each night he went to bed thinking of that moment, feeling the ghost of your warmth around his waist. He’d never admit it, but Roy felt more in love with you in that moment than he ever thought he could be.
Perhaps one day one of you would confess, breaking the rather obvious tension between the two of you. But for now, you were quite happy in your position. Lieutenant Y/N L/N. Working directly under Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist. His secondhand person. A respected authority figure, with quite the reputation. A role model for young non-binary youth in the future. You were living breathing proof that you can accomplish anything no matter your identity, especially if you have a, lovingly, absurd, hot-headed, alchemist by your side.
                                              Word Count: 2191
Thank you again for the request, @just-doing-shtuff !! It was quite the challenge but I hope that I’ve portrayed non-binary emotions properly!! (:
My requests are open, just read the information in my pinned posts!Â
