Teacher Crush Ruined Me

Still crushing on my high school math teacher 4 years after graduation. He's L and I am H. 16 year age gap.

[ruinedbytc]

And I waited

I waited for 10 years

I'm almost 26 now

I have loved you for my whole adult life and what do I have to show for it?

Tear stained pillowcases

Even God would laugh at me

If he heard how I still cried your name late into the night

It's too late

I have waited for you for 10 years

-for L

[latibule-e-deactivated20231012]

— Malia Makana, from “Like Differently Love.”

[latibule-e-deactivated20231012]

— Theodore Roethke, from “Straw for the fire.”

[smilingdork]

Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.

- Sylvia Plath

[theoptia]

Simone de Beauvoir, from Letters to Sartre; September 8th, 1939

Text ID: I'm with you, I feel your presence in every one of my thoughts—we really are one person,

[flowerytale]

Susan Sontag, from “Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963″

[noorshirazie]

“It was clear that the stars had misaligned themselves. They spelled out your name and the thousand ways we were never meant to be.”

— Noor Shirazie, Into the Wildfire: Mourning Departures

[ruinedbytc]

Why did you have to give me hope?

Do you know how many lives I didn't live because of you?

How much love I denied myself?

And do you know how much of myself I gave up so you'd look at me that way once more?

And do you know how much I was willing to give up still?

How ashamed I am that I loved you so?

How I still can't talk about you without tears in my eyes?

Do you know who I am now?

Do you want to?

-for L, from H

[soracities]

“As June runs into warm July I think of little else but you.”

— Wendy Cope, excerpt of “From June to December” (A Summer Villanelle)

[ruinedbytc]

I still carry your business card in my purse

Sometimes I forget about it, but once in a while im reminded of how you put my art on the back of it

I still think of you when I see discarded boxes of camel blues on the grass on my walks where I try so hard to forget you

I still think of you when I pour black coffee into my mug in the winter, how you always had your mug in hand

How you told me you'd leave if I left, how you couldn't bear to be without me too

I still think of you when I scroll through my phone in an insomniac haze late at night

How you called me at 12:32 am, drunk, just to tell me you were proud of me, how you whispered sweetheart to me between drunken mumbled words,

How could you?

How could you give a girl that young so much hope?

-to L, from H

[ruinedbytc]

I think a lot of us "older" TCC people are still here because we were young when we fell in love with our teachers. And for those of us who really actually did fall in love, not just in a "I admire him" and "I wanna fuck him" kinda way, but like a "my heart aches for him from the moment I wake up, every breath I take feels incomplete if I'm not in his presence, i feel like our souls are intertwined," kinda way? We were so young, we had just begun our lives. For us, our TC defined some of our most important years, years when we grew, learned who we were, what we were good at, learned what love was for the first time.

The worst part is that for our teachers? We were just another moment in their lives, they had already lived those moments. Those defining years, the years where they fell in love(esp for those of us who have teachers who are married and have kids for example). The years where they learned who they were. It hurts still because it's raw, because we fell so so young, in such defining and important times of our lives. And to us, they define our most important moments, we don't really know much of our lives without them, and to them? At least for my situation? I know I don't mean that much to him, he can go on his entire life without thinking of me even once, and he can live out his whole life without this achy feeling in his chest because I didn't define most of his life or who he is as a person now, but he defined mine.

He altered my life forever. I learned what love was, romance was, what it was to want something more than you wanted yourself to be happy, what it was to ache for someone. For them, we are but just a small moment, just another student that walked through their lives.

But to us? They are so much more.

And that makes all the difference to be honest. And that's why we are still here, 5,10, 12 years later, still wondering "what happened?"

[bnmxfld]

“I knew that what was left of me would always love you, but never in quite the same way.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald / The Beautiful and Damned

[ruinedbytc]

no matter how many times I block or delete his number, I can't forget it bc I memorized it. I hope it fades from my memory one day 😭

[bnmxfld]

“In my memory, it doesn’t end. We just stay there, looking at each other, forever.”

— John Green / Paper Towns

[whatsonmydiary]

You feel so familiar...

I must have loved you in more than one lifetime.

-N.R.Hart

[bnmxfld]

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

— Ernest Hemingway

[ruinedbytc]

Everyone in the TCC should listen to Let You Down by ALESSIA CARA bc I do be relating too much 😭😭😭