A Parcel of Pictures and Words

[runningmad]

It's the first time in 9 years that I'm not getting ready for the first day of school.

Instead, tomorrow, I'll wake up and read the first two chapters of my Biblical Hebrew textbook.

I suppose my heart hurts because tomorrow is the first day of my changed life. It's all so exciting, but the move is real now.

Here's to my last full week in the Valley for a while.

[runningmad]

Oh hello, Tumblr

I just spent way too many hours going all the way back in my archive.

Some new things about my life that I will yawp into the void (because who is even following me anymore?) : 1) I quit my teaching job after being on my campus for 9 years.

2) I'm selling literally everything I own and moving out of my apartment in 26 days.

3) On August 17, I'm starting the drive the Durham, North Carolina, with a suitcase, some books, and Julian.

4) I'm starting a Master's in Divinity with a concentration in Latinx Studies at Duke University. And I'm going for free.

More feelings under here:

That last one does not even feel real. Like. How. How did I--me--get a full ride to Duke University? It could not be anything but grace. It could not be anything but the supremely kind and tender Hand using all the disappointments and grief and hard work and love I've known to lead me here. I am in awe that I get the privilege to reset my adult life, one that is not built on the industry of burnout. One that will allow me to heal from the trauma of the past few years. I can't believe it. A life built on and around the Divine Love. A life built on pursuing questions and walking alongside people who are asking their own questions. I can't believe this gets to be my life. I get to make ministry my life.

I feel a lot of things. I think I will probably need to go to therapy to unpack the 9 years of my teaching career. I've been burned-out for awhile, at least last 3 years, but this was the year I told God that I would stop saying it's my last year at IDEA, that I would only leave if They made it impossible to stay. A full-ride to Duke is pretty impossible to turn down. I'm relieved. I don't think I could have made it another year. My health is not great. A part of that had to do with my manager. The more I'm reading about trauma and disregulated nervous system, the more I'm realizing that her way of managing was putting me in a constant state of anxiety. The larger part is that I am no longer willing to live a life only for the weekends. So I'm working towards regulation. I'm going to try hard to keep as slow a life as I can going forward for the next few years while I recover from burnout.

There is also sadness and a kind of guilt for leaving the classroom. As hard as so much of it was, I can't say I wouldn't do it again. I loved my students. I loved their families, and when you stay at a small charter school for as long as I did, you develop a profound relationship with the community. So there is guilt that I will not see some of my students graduate. There is guilt that I left my team during a major administration transition. There is guilt that I left education during the mass exodus of teachers. There is guilt because I am objectively an excellent teacher. But the job was killing me. But I will really really really miss my students.

With all of this, I haven't given myself much space for preparing to leave my church family. I have a lot of lasts coming up. Last time leading Young Adults Bible study. Last Summer Camp. Last Middle School small group. On my last day in the Valley, I'll be spending the evening leading discussion for my discipleship group. I am trying to be intentional with my time these last weeks and spend time with the people I love because I'll need them more than ever once I leave.

It's been difficult to talk about feeling sad because I'm leaving for this amazing thing. idk. I just need to talk to my friends. They're safe.

I am so so scared that this will be like it was in Denton. I know it won't be. I think the Divinity School will be the kind of community that leans in, that won't let me hide. And I will do my part in not hiding. I'm safe in the Divine. I'm safe where the Divine leads me. And I have to trust that.

[runningmad]

Why does this feel like my lungs are trying to remember what they are?

[runningmad]

My friend is dying.

It seems impossible that I am saying that.

[sosuperawesome]

Animal Vases

Solenn Larnicol on Etsy

See our #Etsy or #Ceramics tags

[catchymemes]

Snowing at sea

[thecryptocreep]

Why do I never think about the possibility of snow on the ocean??? Now I see why, because it’s too ethereal

[runningmad]

[heart-for-god]

[faithwalkjournal]

Look for Christ, and you will find Him, and with Him everything else.

C S Lewis (via heartcrymissionary)

[la-amarillista]

[small-fairy-child]

If you have a cat please reblog this with its name please and thank you

[runningmad]

Julian. He’s my best bud—even if he’s super annoying in the morning.

[notentirely]

free up that heart of yours.

[olearypoetry]

[anniethecat]

I wanna be the weird lady who lives in a small house and grows lavender and wears sundresses with straw hats and always has a book to recommend

[letyourheart-belight]

“The right man will not look at you with lust and indifference but with awe and appreciation for your inner beauty and lovely spirit.”

— little reminder for the daughters of the king

[cybersadbitch]

[runningmad]

A not important thing: 

Two weeks ago, I got acrylic nails for the first time. 

I hate them. I want to chew them off my fingers. 

Never again.