Russians Not Smile :/

A stoic collection of photos from my (seemingly humorless) Soviet childhood

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Grandmas and Grandkids, circa 1988

Half of us are scowling into the camera, and half are avoiding eye contact altogether. But at least the non-smiling is unanimous! 

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More 'Roaring Twenties' - Russian-style

My grandpa is second from the right, his dad second from the left. Just to be clear, we're talking 1920s, NOT 1820s. 

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Little Sis, Me, Cousin Mike, Fake Indoor Log Cabin - circa 1987

Sister's thought bubble: I can see Chernobyl from my house

Me: This iron curtain weighs heavily on my soul

Cousin: If I smile, they'll take the ball away. Think of something sad!

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My Grandparents (right and center)

Alright, let's get the obvious out of the way - no one looks happy. What's more interesting is that the men are very likely thinking about nothing, while my grandma looks like she is lamenting any combination of the following: her floral dress pattern, the Holocaust, bread lines, marriage. Smiling in photos may not be universal, but the complex depths of the female brain sure are...

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Cousins' Family Photo, circa late '80s

The family that sulks together, stays together.

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Me + traditional Russian military uniform, late 80s

What? Why? These are good questions. I'm not going to answer them. Any explanation you can come up with is probably more logical than the truth.

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Me + Cousins, 1983 (seriously)

Cousin Steve's stifled grin on the left shows early signs of rebellion, while my wardrobe choice in the center foretells a predilection toward cherry-themed clothing and slot machines. 

Hope this photo makes someone smile, since we couldn't. 

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If any man can manage to still look tough while enveloped in a sea of daisies, it's my grandpa. 

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Arrival to the US, September 1989 (exactly 25 years ago today!)

Initially unimpressed by capitalist candy.

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No Smiling Allowed: Bridal Edition

The ultimate test of not smiling - wedding photos! Behold, the popular Russian love-frown* in all its matrimonial glory**.

* not to be confused with the cold Russian death-stare 

** I swear this is what wedded bliss looked like in Russia. Both of these couples have been happily married for three decades now. 

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More Stoic Siblings (circa 1973)

Hopefully by now you are acclimating to the fact that smiling in professional photos, even for children, was punishable by retakes and ridicule. (My mom and aunt are bottom right, the others are their most jovial first cousins)

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Stoic Sisters

Can we talk about my sister's getup for a moment (or like, forever)? Part 'babushka doll', part 'flight-attendant', part conehead. 

I'm on the right. I may be somber, but at least my sweaterdress is adorable, and more importantly, age-appropriate.

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A great hat trumps smiling, any day

Besides being an avid non-smiler and war hero, my grandpa possessed a vast assortment of cool, authoritative-looking hats and an unusually high level of awesomeness.

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Like Mother, Like Daughter

By which I mean, same sitting cube, same good posture, same indifference toward feigning happiness (my mom is on the left, I'm on the right)

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If Looks Could Kill: Winter Hats Edition

As you can clearly see, my relatives excel at sporting stylish outerwear, being formidable opponents in a staring contest, and looking Russian.

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On the Soviet Terror Scale, Photographs > Capitalism

Now you know - the opposite of smiling isn't 'not smiling' - it's 'being terrified,' as three of my mom's first cousins elucidate here.

And yes, despite your overwhelming urge to date these photos back to the 1920s, I promise they were taken in the somber Soviet Sixties & Seventies.

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If Looks Could Kill, Harmless Brothers Edition

I'm no mindreader, but I'd bet a few pre-inflation rubles that you're thinking some combination of the following about my mom's first cousins:

1. Young KGB

2. Why does young Elvis on the right have so much more hair than his brother?