Ruth Alexandra Davis @ruthalexandradavis - Tumblr Blog

What happens next...

Through Lift Off: Process I have experienced a knowing of when to collaborate, a knowing of when ideas aren't working and a knowing of when ideas are working. With this in mind, through my collaboration with Jodie it is evident we both have similar interests, that being storytelling, and can work together very easily. However, through the process we have acknowledged that fairytales is not the type of storytelling we are interested in. Thankfully this realisation has allowed us to start preparing for Lift Off: Festival through a different route in relation to storytelling, that being childhood memories and growing up in the 90s and 00s.

Jodie and I sat together and told each other interesting stories about our lives, and through this we realised the stories we were telling one another were from our childhood, not our teenage years as such. We then started talking about everyone who was born in the 90s childhood, what memories everyone can share: movies, TV programmes, music, toys, clothes etc. Over the Easter break we intend to collect a range of personal and none-personal items to bring into the space first week back after Easter and experiment. Additionally to this we are currently in arrangement with Oliver Bray in having rehearsal time under his direction, hopefully to receive advice on where to next take our work. Also, we have decided to use Beckett Studio as our rehearsal space and performance space during the festival reason being we want a large space to occupy and experiment with. Solo work in the studio may be difficult however being in a collaboration gives us an upper edge to work in there. We also intend to fit a staging arena. In the studio to create a traditional experience when watching work as their is also the benefit of the tiered seating at Beckett Studio.

In summary, the process has been a continuous development and redevelopment of ideas which has led the final performance idea being taken forward to Lift Off contrasting from my original idea so much so that it no longer bares any notable resemblance. That being said, all the ideas over the process must be acknowledged and appreciated as the run up to the final performance.

29/03/2015

Final Showing. 23rd March 2015.

“Beastie is a groundbreaking real-world adventure for children. Adults gawp, some run away - if you come face to face with Beastie what will you do?” (Lone Twin, 2010).

Lone Twin created a character named Beastie. Beastie is a character made for young children and Beastie takes the children on a journey in the live. In the theatre the children dress one of Lone Twin’s performers up in the Beastie costume and decide the personality of the character however they wish. Eventually, Beastie takes the children outside and on a journey once it knows its name.

Today we performed our final scratch showing of Lift Off: Process and it was recognised by us and the audience, when we received feedback, that the whole concept of reading a story, having the miniature set there and the music was a very childish setting. This does not necessarily mean it is a bad thing, however together me and Jodie were not interested in childish story telling but the overall concept of telling the story of a fairytale and its affect. We were told to look at Beastie by Lone Twin as a comparison and relation and the similarities are clear. After reading about Beastie and viewing images online it is clear that we do not want that comparison to this type of work. Our audience is adults.

With this in mind, me and Jodie were discussing where to take our interests further. It is evident we both created raw material at the beginning of the process revolved around story telling. We both told stories quite personal to us in alternative ways. We have jumped significantly from this straight to the concept of fiction. Now we have experienced both ends of the storytelling spectrum I feel confident in that we can work together to create something that uses fact and fiction. Therefore, after the showing we discussed our feedback and our intentions on where to take our performance further. We began to discuss childhood memories - not so much personal but remembering objects, movies, songs that no longer exist or have been developed through technology, age, etc.

Using Lift Off: Process as a tool, it has benefited us in experiencing different types of story telling. In addition, the module has helped me personally realise I work more comfortably in a collaboration rather than by myself as I appreciate ideas bouncing off each other and developing. Additionally, I have come to the realisation that I have preferences in the way I perform. I prefer to perform in front of a whole audience rather than a selected 3 or 4, because I have experienced both during this process which is very useful. I found I connected more to the story I was telling at the beginning of the module in comparison to the end is because it was real and it was to a larger audience. Jodie agree’s and we appreciate each other ideas and thoughts. With this in mind, Lift Off: Process has been great help in developing and creating ideas and scrapping ones that do not work.

Lone Twin. (2010). Nodes - Lone Twin. Available: http://www.lonetwin.com/nodes/view/46. Last accessed 23rd March 2015.

23/03/2015

20th March, 2015. Me and Jodie have developed our miniature set. We have created a fixed, sustainable and safe river bank for the river we wish to place on there. Additionally, grass, flowers and other fresh materials will be placed on the day to sustain their freshness and colour. This ongoing project has been enlightening in that the miniature set has created a visual for us and for others. Therefore, the story we have created has developed much more accurately and easily through the visual of the set. In addition to what we have physically created over the past two weeks we have additionally created and developed our own fairytale. We both developed what we created several weeks ago over Google Drive. Our intention in the final show and tell of Lift Off: Process is to read this story to 3 or 4 people at a time, sitting around the set, with associated music playing in the background ever so slightly to create atmosphere. We do not want to reveal anything we wish to definitely pursue in Lift Off Festival therefore Lift Off: Process is used as an advantage to us by presenting the material we are most unsure of and receiving feedback about it. Overall, after talking to several outsiders about the project and introducing them to the visual of the set, we have received useful feedback and advice. Ambition is key to achieving what you want to achieve, however a significant piece of advice given to us was professionalism in our ideas and pitching them accurately. If we are artists are still having difficulty of understanding fully our intention, the observers of your pitch would not fully understand therefore not fully invest in the idea. With this advice in mind, me and Jodie intend to create a definite plan of intentions, set, specific dates, available spaces to us and write it down and plan professionally. This will enable us as emerging artists to old our pitch professionally, in advance, and confidently.

20/03/2015

Building The Set

This week me and Jodie began making a miniature version of the set we envisage to have for Lift Off: Festival. I bought a large piece of wood for the base and we painted sections, representing different scenes of the performance, on the wood. From looking at the photographs attached it is evident there is a split in the land we are creating. Greens, yellows and oranges in the west of the land represent the 'good' and the blacks, browns and greys in the east represent the 'bad' - separated by a river.

A main intention we have in building this is playing with different materials. In Lift Off we want to create an environment which the audience will travel around with us where they interact with different materials. We intend on doing this to enhance the concept of escapism - we will create a fantasy world with real materials to make it as real as possible. For example, on this set we have used sand, soil, pebbles, bark... We are yet to add more and use water to represent the river, grass and flowers too. Not only will this create a visual for our final scratch performance of Lift Off: Process, but it also creates a visual for our technician. We are currently in discussion about the set with Chris and requests are looking likely. However, we intend to work as hard as Chris in building this set.

18/03/2015

Consultancy with Alex Kelly - Fairy Tales as a board game.

Space Consideration:

Through discussion we have decided on three potential performance spaces for Lift Off Festival 2015. These beings: LAB, Perform 1 or House 14. Barriers we face however in deciding a space which would be most ideal consist of:

- An entrance and exist without disturbing the performance or ruining the atmosphere,

- Build and set up: the amount of time this will take. Few days perhaps.

- Sensations and realism: Material such as grass, sand, water etc. Where is appropriate for this amount of material. Practicality of set.

PERFORM 1; Rig is higher for the lights to separate the sections on the floor. A way of exiting needs to be considered.

HOUSE 14; Can exist through the fire exist, create it to be accessible.

LAB; TBC.

Kentucky Route Zero - http://kentuckyroutezero.com/

You're a delivery man. You meet people along the way and they direct you on routes which to go down. However, the game responds to your behaviour. You have your dog with you the whole time and if you're nice to your dog along the way more nice things will happen to you. - Fairy Tales have that moral. If the protagonist is in a rush to chase to bad guy but stops to help someone along to way, that person will usually help the protagonist later on in the tale.

In relation to what we are doing - if you choose the helpful option then you are given several routes you can choose to go down. If you do not choose the helpful option you're only given that one route. It becomes a game of morals.

EACH SECTION: What happens in castles? What happens in the deep, dark wood? What happens when you reach a dead end? What happens when you meet a stranger?

Today me and Jodie workshopped with material. Arriving to the space with the intention of getting ideas on their feet we decided to create a set, out of material. With the green material we intend to create a dark wood, with dark green and brown material hanging from the ceiling - perhaps attaching real leaves. Using foil as reflection in the water was an interesting concept to work with, however we would like to workshop with real water. Create a flowing river through the space. After discussion with Chris, the technician, this is something which could be made possible. In addition to this, create a castle out of pink materials - wallpaper, wrapping paper, post-it notes. We are experimenting with materials with the intention of making this fairytale as 'real' as possible. Real water, leaves, stones, to interact with. Although this a very optimistic to approach to idea we have, it is something definitely worth considering.

In addition to this, we have began to create a new fairytale - one which begins to guide the audience through this world with intention...

‘Hi, come in, make yourself comfy, we are going to tell you a story…’

*audience enter and sit on comfy bean-bags and cushions*

Jodie: Once upon a time in a land far away there lived two young girls named ‘Ruth’ and ‘Jodie’

Ruth: Although Ruth and Jodie were both princesses, they lived very separate lives.

Jodie: Ruth and Jodie were in fact sisters but had been separated at birth.

Ruth: Years ago when the two girls were not even a year old, the King and Queen of the land Jambuca (Ruth and Jodie’s mother and father) made the decision to separate.

Jodie: The King and Queen divorced. The power went to the King’s head and the poor Queen could not take it any longer. The land was miserable as the King took power to an extreme.

Ruth: When the King and Queen separated so did the land, in two.

Jodie: Therefore, an agreement was made between the King and Queen. The Queen would bring up princess Jodie on the East side of the land and the nasty King to would bring up princess Ruth on the West side of the land.

Ruth: This arrangement seemed to go well until the Queen sadly passed away..

Jodie: This is when the land began to face challenges like never before...

Ruth: This is where the princesses were also confronted with challenges...

Jodie: This is where the story begins…

*audience enter through the curtains - narration gives them instructions on where to go and what to do. Jodie then enters dressed as a queen.*

Jodie: Welcome welcome! You may be seated. I would like to take a moment to thank you all for being here today. The last few weeks have been full of sadness due to the passing of my mother, your Queen. And I would just like to thank you for your support, confidence and respect - as of today, I will become your new Queen. I will strive to protect the land of Jambuca and it’s people. You are my priority. I shall not allow anything or anyone interrupt this happy, peaceful land which my mother proudly created. I’d like to thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart, for your kind acceptance in this sudden drastic change but can assure you that very little will change…

*Princess Ruth appears - Jodie is shocked*

Ruth: Queen… Jodie.

Jodie: Princess Ruth…? What are you doing here?

Ruth: I have secretly travelled through the dark wood, over the river to reach you today. I have heard our poor mother has died through whispers in the West side of the land and I was never told by the King. Our father is planning dangerous things. He is getting an army together to take over the entirety of Jambuca, take you off the throne and have the whole land to himself and under his control. He’s a dangerous man, Jodie.

Jodie: But, what do we do?

Ruth: You, and your people, need to come with me. Help me defeat the King so we can run the Kingdom together. We need a happily ever after. Not a life of danger, worry and fear for our people.

Jodie: Okay Ruth. *talks to her people here…* My fellow subjects, get ready. We must fight for what is rightfully ours. The land of Jambuca!

To be continued…

04/03/2015

Show & Tell no2.

On the 2nd of March myself and Jodie performed a scratch of our work-in-progress. We acted to pre-recorded narration to a traditional fairytale story we wrote, with a modern-day twist. In our minds we felt as though we prepared well, working together on a Google Drive document to write and edit the fairytale, we came in early on the 2nd to set up, rehearse and discuss because we were first and wanted to be prepared. In this case, I feel as though our preparation was successful. However, after hearing feedback from the class and tutors there are some things we need to make clearer and stronger and should definitely consider.

Feedback:

- Narration: The narration feedback was useful. The voice used was performed by a theatre performer therefore was very dramatic and over-the-top which is exactly what we intended. In addition to this, if the voice was recognisable by all and was not intended to be this could ruin the atmosphere of the performance. However, we received some interesting suggestions we intend to workshop.

Here I have attached a link to John Smith - The Girl Chewing Gum 1976.

“In The Girl Chewing Gum a commanding voice over appears to direct the action in a busy London street. As the instructions become more absurd and fantasised, we realise that the supposed director (not the shot) is fictional; he only describes – not prescribes – the events that take place before him. Smith embraced the ‘spectre of narrative’ (suppressed by structural film), to play word against picture and chance against order. Sharp and direct, the film anticipates the more elaborate scenarios to come; witty, many-layered, punning, but also seriously and poetically haunted by drama’s ineradicable ghost.” A.L. Rees, 1995.

With this in mind, it is definitely something to consider. The normality of live narration being interrupted by fiction. Myself and Jodie intend on having somebody live narrating during a workshop in the next few weeks and seeing how this changes the atmosphere, pace and structure of the performance. Does comedy value increase as mistakes are made and embraced? This is what we intend to find out.

- Audience Participation: We performed to the whole group in order to gain feedback from a variety of people in relation to acting to narration. However, as suggested, we plan to only have 3/4 audience members in at a time with us in the room. It was interesting to receive this confirmation that this should happen because we intended to do this anyway therefore this only motivates us to take this on board and do it.

- Subtitles: Student, Martyna Kozenecka, recommended looking at Solfatara by A Tres Bandes.

The Spanish show also has subtitles at above the stage so anyone is able to watch. However, what is written is sometimes played with and made comedic; the performers wouldn't do what it says and a joke would be made. Therefore a narrated text may be something to consider and experiment with.

03/03/2015

A.L. Rees, A Directory of British Film & Video Artists, 1995

Together, me and Jodie have written a fairy tale we consider to be traditional - with a modern day twist. What we intended to do was write the fairy tale, firstly, in third person about ourselves. We want to create a transition from reality and 'other world' using this piece of text and I feel it allows us to do that. This, however, can only be done through really dramatising the roles until even Ruth and Jodie don't exist as themselves in this world any more. We intend to play with this text. Words written in pink are 'doing' words - where we will be up and doing. A moment to react and consider. We don't want this to be a still story, instead we want to bring it to life. This documentation shows evidence of an ongoing piece of text which will be later edited and worked with. For the second Show & Tell on the 2nd of March we will be working with this self-written text and exploring where it will take us - through self experience of working with it, and an outside eye of an audience.

26/02/2015

A set me and Jodie created at our workshop on the 23rd of February. We intend to use the space around the seating area as a place where choreography is used, imagination is unfolded and participants can roam freely.

We chose to close the curtains to create a much more intimate space. The studio in House 14 is far too large however when considering our audience we were very happy making the decision to create a smaller performance space to work in.

Considering Audience

"One body to an-other. Spanning time, sharing space, marking place, blending breath,sensing touch. An emerging inter-face addresses both parties in this mise-en-scene oftogetherness. The function and development of the encounter is reliant upon sharedeconomies of exchange, identification and understanding." (Zerihan, R. 2006)

Audience participation is carefully being considered in what we aim to create. An intimate performance space automatically means there will be some interaction between performer and audience, intentional or not. Through process me and Jodie must decide on certain rules for audience consideration.

- Is the audience member acknowledged?

- If you know their name, do you use it? Or are they not known to you?

- Are they in this world we are creating or not?

Through process these are questions we aim to answer and must carefully be considered. There must be a clear aim. Through research and workshop this will soon be figured out.

25/02/2015

Zerihan, R. (2006) Intimate Inter-actions: Returning to the Body in One to One Performance. Nottingham Trent University: PhD research. pp 1.

Fairy tales aren't just for children because fairy tales are equally liked by adults and children... Fairy tales provide this consolation, a sanctuary, a place to run away... Fairy tales aren't actually needed for children, but needed more for the adult.

Cséfalvay, A 2013

An intention myself and Jodie are working towards is this concept of escapism. Being invited into this wacky world of bizarreness and stories. What Cséfalvay is discussing here is very interesting as he states that Tolkien is inferring that fairy tales are more needed for the adult rather than the child. Using Lift Off Process we indeed to experiment with this statement and challenge storytelling in a very traditional sense.

25/02/2015

Cséfalvay, A (2013). J.R.R Tolkien - Tree and Leaf/ On Fairy Tales. Published May 29th. YouTube. Last Accessed: 25 February 2015

#escapism #tolkien #fairytales #youtube #link

"A study of the oral literature of those portions of the Old World where writing was unknown until ourown day leaves little room to doubt that the poetry of the seer has been the most important factor in the history of human thought." (Chadwick, N. 1944)

25/02/2015

N.K.Chadwick, (1944) Poetry and Prophecy. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

The documentation shown displays a set we created. Through discussion it was agreed that a living room is a traditional, cosy, family area in which stories are told. With this in mind, we are trying to evoke comfortability. In my first Show & Tell I was informed that if people are laughing it isn't nessesarily because something is funny, but they either feel comfortable enough to laugh or uncomfortable so laugher is the perfect way to fill silence. However, to our opinion, the most familiar, traditional setting someone can have is their living room. For example, my grandad would talk about the war to me whilst we were sat in the living room having tea. Jodie additionally has experiences of the living room being a traditional area where, for generations, the it has been the sacred spot for talking and stories. It is a comfortable space to invite 3 or 4 audience members in at a time and be intimate and personal with them. On television and in theatre the general spot for talk is your home and living room or the pub.

Through the workshop today, and having participants talk to us on the sofas, we found it to be a very useful spot to begin telling a story. However, through process, we plan to develop this further. When we leave the sofas and open the book on the table we intend to suddenly create a fictional world. This is something we intend to develop over the course of the process however, through workshop and getting up and ‘doing’, as an emerging artist, I find this as a very useful way of developing and creating work in a professional and fun way.

23/02/2015

Angela Carter -

the author of a collection of fiction famously associated with how women are represented in fairy tales. Her use of tradition creates the thrilling twists on well-known loved fairy tales such as Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White.

Carter “effectively draws out the theme of feminism by contrasting traditional elements of Gothic fiction - which usually depicted female characters as weak and helpless - with strong female protagonists.” (Birch, D. 2011)

There is a clear link with the novels Carter has written to the intention of which myself and Jodie are trying to convey. What is important to acknowledge, relating to Carter, is that me and Jodie are females. There is sudden connotations with this: femininity, women, woman perspective. Although this is suddenly acknowledged, we aim to challenge this connotation with the use of costume. Throughout the process characters will begin to emerge and our intention is to no longer be Jodie and Ruth in this world of reality but when the book on the table opens that is when we’re in a world of fairy tale and we begin to invest as these characters in the book; male or female.

23/02/2015

Birch, D. (2011) Gothic Fiction. The Oxford Companion to English Literature. Web. 23 October.

23rd February 2015 - Workshop

After a consultation with Gillian Dyson discussing the notion of storytelling and the ways in which stories can be told, me and Jodie decided that we would collaborate. After consultation we workshopped throughout the day with the notion of storytelling and experimented with different aspects of this as a starting point:

Personal Story - We would sit together and decide on a topic that is relatable to the audience and each tell one another about that topic. For example: losing your virginity, first time you got drunk, etc. We found this exercise simple but effective. It was an opportunity to acknowledge engagement in someone else’s personal life, if one is interested in something they have nothing to do with. Personally, I found it interesting hearing Jodie’s stories however nothing really had a huge impact on me as an outsider to the story. Nothing really emerged from it other than having an insight into Jodie’s personal life, and now she has an insight into mine. This is a very normative way of storytelling and once you get out of the reading fictional bedtime stories most stories you associate yourself with is fact, not fiction. Newspapers, magazines, on-line blogs, tweets, Facebook status’. These are all stories that are being made on the daily. We forget what a real story is. That is when we workshopped a second concept…

Fairytale and Fiction - What happened to reading a story to escape from reality? A chance to block out all that is going on in the world and have all your focus on this new world, this fictional world, a world where there is always a happy ending. Through workshop we found ourselves interested in this concept of the transition between the real world and fantasy world. Using storytelling as an escapism into a world of imagination. To workshop this we selected random objects out of a box and we would improvise a story and finish each others sentences using whatever object is picked up. For example, Jodie would begin by saying “Ruth was walking down the street and fell over a teacup” - The item Jodie picked out of the box was a teacup. I then must carry on this story having fictionally falling over a teacup walking down the street. We did this exercise to enhance our imagination with on the spot storytelling, We then developed this and listed characters out of fairy tales you would never meet in real life: The Dragon, Elves, Talking Animal, Knight etc. In order to create this over-exaggerated fictional world that is far away from reality the real fairytale needs to be considered.

23/02/2015

#performance #storytelling #fiction #escapism

Phenomenological experience

“... Phenomenology explores phenomena - anything perceived directly by the senses.” (Auslander, 2008. 137)

Auslander describes phenomenology as an exploration of phenomena and I feel as though my scratch performance relates. My emotions and senses manifested themself throughout my 10 minute performance and although I was reading a sheet of paper with personal information on there, my mind was elsewhere. The piece of text was creatively written to generate emotion from myself and intended to enhance passion in what was being said. Even though I knew beforehand I would be exhausted reading and doing exercise at the same time, creatively writing the text allowed me to feel comfortable knowing that some sort of passion will come across to my audience. With this in mind, during the performance itself I felt nervous. I spent 1 minute riding the bike at the beginning of the performance to tire myself out; this was never my original intention however because I was so nervous I needed to fill my time and physical activity proved to calm me down. To add to this, I was thinking and concentrating more on getting the words out when I was speaking rather than taking time to think about what is being said in that moment.

19/02/2015

Auslander, P. (2008) Theory for Performance Studies. London: Routledge. pp 137.

Show & Tell. No1.

For this scratch date I made the decision to write a piece of text that is personal to me when talking about love and present this text whilst riding on an exercise bike to create connotations of effort and time through physicality. During the exercising, according to feedback, the riding did not look difficult, however my intention at this point in the process was not that. My intention was to generate feedback on whether my audience concentrates on the text whilst I’m out of breath, or is in fact the focus on me as a girl, out of breath, riding an exercise bike; the struggle? According to feedback I received, the concentration was on the text. Although I was talking relatively fast paced I was informed this only drew the audience in closer to what I was saying. Bearing in mind this concept of investment and endurance, I was also informed that the movement and exercise itself looked easy, even though I personally found it difficult. The investment in the movement and the use of the body, voice and breathing draws the audience in; if it looks easy that is when it becomes uninteresting. Koroleva describes endurance in performance art by saying,

“questioning the physical limits of their bodies, artists working in the performance of endurance, strived for the overcoming of the singularity of the subjective body.” (Koroleva, T. 2008: 44)

Koroleva describes endurance in performance as overcoming the singularity of the subjective body. When unpacking this in relation to my performance practice this was never my intention. My intention for gym equipment was never fully clear and/or solid. At this point that is not necessary however I feel as though I should have a main intention for the use. Although, through performing my first scratch on the 19th of February a lot of the feedback was based on my creativity in my writing and delivery. Moments that were not intended to be comedic created laughter. The laughter created does not necessarily mean what I said was funny; it either made the audience uncomfortable or comfortable enough to laugh and that is what I found interesting, this concept of comfortability through storytelling. With this in mind, myself and Jodie instantly had a connection through works. At this point in the process it is important to acknowledge connections one has with other artists and talk about interests together. I personally found it difficult to develop my ideas solo when I was researching what I was interested in and how to create something out of it, however when talking to Jodie about our interests we instantly bounced off each other’s ideas a connection was present.

19/02/2015

Koroleva, T. (2008) Subversive Body in Performance Art. Thesis submitted to the Faculty of Graduate School of The State University of New York at Buffalo. pp 44.

3 Relationships and a One Night Stand

Text performed for first scratch & tell.

We've all had that one person, in high school, we were ‘going out with’. Maybe that was because we found it odd to have a friend the opposite sex at that age, have so much in common with them, so automatically you think “oh they need to be my boyfriend/girlfriend!” My best friend at the time, Tom, was my first proper boyfriend. I found out my best friend fancied me on a trip to Camelot Theme Park in Spring of Year 8. And when Tom found out I knew he wouldn't speak to me because he panicked and was so shy. Eventually he asked me out just before the summer - the transition between Year 8 and Year 9. That was an eventful summer. Not only because it was the summer of my first ever boyfriend. But it was also the summer where I spent 6 whole weeks avoiding seeing him. He’d knock on my front door and I’d pretend I weren’t in. He’d try and message me on MSN and I wouldn’t appear online. He’d ask my friends if I was actually still alive and I’d tell them to say they haven’t heard from me but they are sure I’m just fine. I think I’ve made it obvious I wasn't really cut out to have a boyfriend at that age because I was way too shy. Anyway, next thing I knew it was Year 9. Tom’s last name began with a C. My last name is DAVIS. All the sets changed around this year for Maths, Science and English and just my luck, he sits next to me in every single lesson because that was alphabetically correct. My ‘boyfriend’ I haven’t seen for over 6 weeks and we’re sat together awkwardly in every single lesson. Anyway, this little high school thing turned out to be pretty big. I was with Tom until Year 12. Tom was my first ever kiss at 13 years old, the first boy I brought home to my mum and stepdad, the first boy who told me I’m beautiful even though I was the biggest tomboy and my wardrobe consisted of just manchester united shirts and jeans. I lost my virginity to Tom. And he lost his virginity to me. We were 14 years old. Didn’t know left from right in the bedroom. It was horrific. This high school romance came to an end when I met Jacob and Tom went to a different sixth form. Jacob went to my sixth form. He was captain of the rugby team, big lad, extremely flirtatious. This wasn’t my kinda thing but for some reason once I knew he had the hots for me I found him very attractive. He would sweep me off my feet with gifts, be a shoulder to cry on when I was hormonal, make me laugh when I was stressed. At the time, he was everything. I fell hard. But, how do you know you truly love someone? How do you measure love? Is it through the amount of hours someone puts in? Because he did that. The miles he travels to see me? He did that too. Time we spent together? We were inseparable. From the outside eye, this was love. From my eyes it was too. I was attached to him, I was 17 years old and convinced myself I was madly in love. My love for him significantly decreased when I started at university. We started arguing, a lot. And I don’t mean a petty phone call a day effing and jeffing at each other, it was bigger than that. It was storming out of each others houses at 2am in the morning and wandering the streets crying thinking that in that moment our life was coming to an end because one of us didn’t want to watch The Notebook that evening. Now that seems pathetic, and it was. But that kinda thing is where it all starts. Storming out on his part then turned into staying the house and being aggressive. He would punch the doors in my family home. He would shout at me and push me against a wall and call me every name under the sun. He would tell me to stop crying when I was upset because I look ugly. But, I was still attached to him, he was still everything to me. I was caught up in having this ‘someone.’ He’d later apologize and tell me he loves more than anything and that was that. That particular argument was over. It is amazing to think once that one person does something terrible towards you and then tells you that they love you, that word automatically solves everything. I love you. What even does that mean? Surely someone who loves me wouldn’t cheat on me at the same party I’m at. Someone who loves me would take the piss out of me secretly when I started going to church again. Someone who loves me wouldn’t talk about me to their friends in a disrespectful way telling them about the intimate things in the bedroom that I wasn’t satisfying his needs. Jacob was the second guy I had sex with. And towards the end that is all it was. Sex. An opportunity for him to let his anger out. I was his punching bag. He once turned to me, when he started going to the gym, and said I need to start going to because I need to be as fit as him. I need to be more confident in myself otherwise it’s embarrassing for him. I needed to change. And I did. Because I ‘loved’ him. I was caught in the trap. Eventually, I got out of this trap, and broke up with him. About a month later that is when I had my first ever and only one night stand. Scott. It was a staff night out and I drank way too much. Wake up the next day naked next to Scott. I felt hungover, dirty and for the first time since year 8… single. I went to the doctors, I didn’t have any recollection of if protection was used. I did a two tests; one for pregnancy, and one for and STD. I remember the phone call a few days later. “Hi, is this Ruth? Hi it’s so and so from NHS Clinic in Rochdale. How are you? Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Good news being that you’re not pregnant. Bad news being that you’ve unfortunately got Chlamydia.” Now, I don’t go sleeping around, but the one time I did with someone I weren’t in a relationship with I get an STD. I wasn’t even 100% sure if it was Jacob or Scott. Jacob had a thing of cheating on me, and I’m number 7 of how many girls Scott has slept with at work. Either way it is embarrassing - having been head over heels for an aggressive cheater, or been number 7 of Scott’s slags. 10 months later. In a relationship. Happy. And I think people believe when I say that now, that I’m happy. But is there such thing as being happy but still not being happy in yourself? I love my boyfriend. And he loves me. But there’s still a bit of me that doesn’t want to go on top in sex because I’m scared of how I look. Although my braces are gone I’m still paranoid of smiling with my teeth. One of my idols said “sometimes it takes a real good fall to know where you stand.” Well, I fell hard. But I’m standing somewhere better than ever now.

19/02/2015

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Ruth Alexandra Davis