THE BEACH

you'll turn it off but i'll still feel the light

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Nate furrows his eyebrows deeper and steps closer to Sechan until he’s right in front of him. “Hey, look at me.” He says, voice deep. He wants Sechan to believe what he tells him. He knows how hard it is to get through to people when they reach a certain point, and he doesn’t want Sechan to get there. He knows right now and so far he’s had at least some power and influence over Sechan’s thoughts, he doesn’t want to lose it and let Sechan’s thoughts drown in negativity.

     When he doesn’t look up, Nate repeats himself louder and and in a more demanding tone, only waiting for a few seconds for Sechan to respond before he brings up one hand and firmly places it under Sechan’s chin, forcing him to look at him in a way that could’ve been gentler. “It’s not fine.” He says in a slow and clear voice. “You recognized it’s not your fault, don’t you?” He asks, the serious expression not leaving his face. “I won’t let it go and I won’t let you accept bad treatment, so tell me who he is.” He says in a tone more harsh and demanding than he means to make it sound. 

[rwarens]

Sechan feels a little pathetic when Nate forces him to look at him, not because of the action in itself, but because he couldn’t meet his gaze on his own. He can stand staring into his eyes only for a few seconds before he has to look down at his lips instead. His body is too tense. He feels like he should do something with his hands but he’s not sure what so he fists them up, pressing his nails into his palms. His lips quiver as he parts them but he can’t get any sound to come out or figure out which words should leave them. Pressure builds up in his chest, making it harder to breathe. He wants to believe Nate. He wants to trust him and to a large extent he does but nothing he’s saying right now can erase his own doubtful thoughts.

“I-I,” he stutters and it breaks his neutral expression. He lets out a sad, soft noise and before he knows it there’s a tear slipping out of the corner of his eye. It feels terrible, crying in front of people is one of the worst things he knows. It feels extremely humiliating but he can’t bring himself to wipe it away even though he wants to, so much.

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Nate sets his jaw tightly and turns to face Sechan entirely when he’s done speaking. This is far from the first time he’s heard something like this but it doesn’t piss him off any less. “Who is he?” He asks, voice deep and less harsh. He usually goes for guys who fuck up bad enough. With smaller cases he’ll try to get the name out of Sechan and find a way to threaten them or get back at them somehow, even if it doesn’t require violence, but this time he wants to beat up whoever the fucker was just to show Sechan how unacceptable it is. Nate firmly thinks whoever talks shit to Sechan deserves to get their ass beat, anyways. 

     He takes a step closer, not moving his gaze away. “Your reputation doesn’t define you or your worth. I know you know more than anybody that you don’t do shit to get the crap those worthless pricks give you.” He says slowly, expression serious. “They don’t matter, not this guy or the last one. They don’t care enough to see how wonderful you are and that’s why they don’t deserve you, okay? None of them could give you what you deserve.” He finishes before his expression gets tough again. “So tell me who this fucker is and I’ll fuck him up.”

[rwarens]

Sechan bites down on his bottom lip and tries to keep his expression as neutral as possible. Frankly, he’s tired of no one decent ever wanting him. As important love is to him, it doesn’t just ruin things for him on that front. He can’t even make any male friends because he always ends up trying to befriend some asshole that tries to shove their hand down his pants a few days after meeting. Sometimes he thinks he must have an aura that attracts assholes, then he feels stupid because that’s exactly what he has. The way people talk about him doesn’t help. He presses his teeth harder down and it hurts but it only makes him want to press harder. Pain in another location is supposed to relieve the other, initial pain. He feels nauseous and as silly as it sounds, he swears his heart is aching.

It’s a sappy thought but as much of an asshole as Nate can be, in the end he’s always good to him. He always takes care of him. Despite the fact that he’s insisting it’s not Sechan and that he deserves better - more - Sechan doesn’t even feel like he deserves Nate or what he’s telling him right now. If he didn’t have all of these creeps hanging after him Nate wouldn’t have to get into all these fights and he wouldn’t have to get riled up so often. Sechan thinks it must be hard for Nate to avoid drama when Sechan keeps shoving it in his face. Normally, Sechan goes ahead and tells Nate their names, what building he can find them in, their dorm room, their phone number, anything he wants, but today it feels hopeless. He beats this guy up and then what, nothing happens? It doesn’t feel worth it anymore and he doesn’t want to be a bother.

“It’s fine,” he says quietly and looks down, unable to meet Nate’s eyes.

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Nate keeps his eyebrows furrowed. ‘The usual’ immediately makes him think of Sechan being treated poorly by shit-stain guys. The thought alone makes his fists curl up, and it feels even shittier that it’s being called ‘the usual’. It shouldn’t be. That type of treatment shouldn’t be normal to Sechan, but unfortunately he has the worst luck with people Nate has ever seen.  The only reasons Nate ever meets the guys Sechan sees is to threaten them because they won’t leave him alone or to get back at them for hurting Sechan; usually in the form of violence. Nate’s lost count of how many asshole’s he’s threatened who came by their dorm, and all of the fights he’s been in for Sechan’s sake. He’s always tried to protect him from the guys who give him all of that shit, but it seems constant even if Sechan doesn’t bring it on himself. From Nate’s perspective, Sechan has never done anything to deserve all of that crap.

     “What’s the fucking usual?” He asks in a harsher tone than before, because even though he knows, he doesn’t want Sechan to resign himself to this. He doesn’t want him to think this is what he’s always going to get. Nate doesn’t care if he has to go through every guy on campus and he doesn’t care about getting more broken noses or black eyes. He’ll keep looking after him and fucking guys up until that shit stops. The last thing Nate’s going to do is accept this and wave it away, he won’t let people get away with hurting Sechan and he sure as hell won’t let Sechan believe this is how it is with people and relationships.

[rwarens]

Sechan frowns at Nate’s response, largely because he feels it should be obvious what the usual is. Nate’s frequently involved in trying to hurt the ones who make the usual happen and preventing the usual from continuing. He’s, in fact, the only person Sechan can let get involved without feeling like he’s bringing them down. Innocently, he thinks maybe Nate didn’t understand the connection. Sechan assumes there are other things that could be called the usual, nothing that he can think of right this moment, but there must be something else than assholes harassing him going on regularly in their lives.

“This guy called me a tease again, and a slut,” Sechan explains slowly, and while he does sound fairly offended and aware that it was uncalled for, there’s something self-deprecating in his voice, “in the same sentence. Also, for someone who doesn’t know me he had a lot of opinions on how I should live my life. I guess my reputation precedes me.”

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general character moodboard: sam

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general character moodboard: jimin

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general character moodboard: nathan

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general character moodboard: nate

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general character moodboard: alvin

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general character moodboard: jaime

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general character moodboard: baby

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general character moodboard: jw

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general character moodboard: love

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general character moodboard: sechan

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general character moodboard: sky

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general character moodboard: yoongi

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Nate keeps silent for a few seconds, thinking about Sechan’s words. He doesn’t know why, but there’s something that feels good about hearing Sechan talk about his feelings openly. Nate sometimes has a tendency to neglect his feelings like he did with his crush towards Sechan, but most of the time he speaks his mind about what he feels, unless it isn’t already obvious from his demeanor. In return, he appreciates it when people are honest about their feelings, even if he doesn’t mind it either when they’re not. He figures he can just not care in those situations. Removing himself from his emotions doesn’t come difficult for him, after all.

    “Off in a general sense, or is there something making you feel that way?” Nate inquires in an easy tone before something snaps in is mind and he abruptly turns his head to look at Sechan again, eyebrows furrowing. “Did something happen?” He suddenly asks. His protective side dripping out from his facial expression and the tone in his voice.

[rwarens]

Sechan presses his lips together and takes a moment to think. Maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Since it’s always a recurring thing, Sechan doesn’t really think of guys being assholes to him as something that’s “happened”. By now it’s, sadly enough, just a part of life. Sometimes it’s hard for him to notice the root of his issues, why he’s sad or grumpy, but someone did call him a tease yesterday. They also let him know how unhappy it made them and said some other things about how they think Sechan should or should not act. When it happened it felt customary. It made him feel bad, sure, but customary nonetheless. From Nate’s point of view, it probably isn’t something he wants to normalise. He’s pretty sure he could give Nate a list of people who have been mean to him and Nate would find a way to get back at them.

“Nothing more than the usual,” he decides to say, shrugging along with his words to hopefully make it seem more casual; not as much of an issue as it could be.

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Nate turns his head a bit to glance at the boy walking behind him when he hears his answer, and instantly knows everything isn’t alright, just in case it hadn’t already been clear from his request earlier. Sechan gets too suspicious. He already knew, anyways. Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked. He’s tired and doesn’t necessarily want to have this conversation, but it’s Sechan and this is very minor in the large expanse of things he’d do for him. He shrugs as he turns to look forward again. It doesn’t hurt to keep trying, he knows he won’t lash out at him the way Nate does when people press on about matters he doesn’t want to talk about. But he still hates it when people do that, so he applies this in his own way of approaching others. One last attempt. If Sechan avoids it again he’ll leave it at that. No need to tire them out any further.

     “Dunno, that’s why I’m asking.” He responds, dropping his shoulders. 

[rwarens]

Sechan weighs his options in his mind. Nate would drop it if Sechan showed he doesn’t want to discuss it even if it’s clear now he knows something’s up. He likes that about him. It’s not that Sechan strongly dislikes when people press on matters. Sometimes it can be helpful when he wants to talk about something but he’s not sure if the other even wants to hear it, but other times Sechan sees no need in talking about things and at those times he’s glad if it can be swiftly dropped. He’s not sure what to go with this time, he’s not sure which side he stands on. Does he want to talk about it? Maybe. Maybe not. He knows Nate would listen if he talked, he wouldn’t ask if he wasn’t prepared to listen at least a little. Maybe it’s good to clear the air.

“Well,” Sechan starts in a quieter tone, looking down at the ground as they keep walking. If Nate turns around again he doesn’t wanna meet his eyes. When it’s just the two of them Sechan is usually a shitty liar. “I told you I feel off.”