#TOTESCRAYCRAY

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[ryanacario]

Who...

It’s you. The answer is, and will always be... you.

[ryanacario]

Me to a friend:

“Alam mo grateful ako for times like these. Na para lang akong naglalaro, tapos ang saya. It affirms me na totoong gusto ko 'yung ginagawa ko. Kasi minsan dahil sa pagod, or sa dami ng gagawin, or dahil hirap na, naququestion ko 'yun, kung dapat ba talaga ako dito, or napilitan lang kasi walang choice, ganern. Pero looking at the 684 pictures I have to edit tapos wala pa ako sa 1/5, tapos looking forward pa rin ako kahit sobrang dami pa, ibig sabihin I must really want it. Nakakaaffirm lang na I am where God wants me to be. All-in-one Gel eh. Doing what I want, getting paid to do it, doing it for service pa. Sa dami ng pinagdadaanan at insecurities minsan, I forget just how much God has blessed me, how much he's given me.”

Thank you, Jesus for reminding and assuring me that I am where you want me to be. :)

[ryanacario]

Ang tunay na #goals. Was brought to tears by a very simple, very sincere message. Walang bola, diretsahan, straight to the point: pagmamahal lang, sobra-sobra na. Whew. (at Smart Araneta Colisuem, Araneta Center Cubao)

[ryanacario]

This had such a big effect on me. Years ago, every day felt like a chore, felt like a challenge that had to be overcome, felt like there was nothing I can do to change what was handed to me. And that become tiring real quick.

But through prayer, conscious efforts to see the hope life had for me, waking up everyday forcing a smile because I could no longer take the negativity, I decided to start thinking differently. This started an era in my life I like to call the "hope" phase.

Since then, I've learned a lot of new things, gone to a lot of places, met a lot of new friends and make better the ones I already had. I've learned to take what life handed to me and make the best out of it. I've learned to fix myself on the path leading to my dreams and goals in life. I've learned to take control of my life.

I’ve learned to set free from the bonds of the past that weighed me down, preventing me from achieving my future successes. :)

[ryanacario]

Because Michael Jackson 🏃 c/o @beallagas

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After yesterday's 12-hour service. Exhaustion borne out of expansion. Happy 7th anniversary to my Home Feast, Feast Manila. :)

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Ihaw day 🍢🍡 (at Shepherd's Voice Radio & Television Foundation, Inc.)

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👓

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DIY gourmet meal at an eat-all-you-can. Lels. (at Sodam Restaurant)

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So blessed to have witnessed his eminence's love, enthusiasm, and kindness in person! Kung gaano po kayo kainspiring, kagandang role model, at kapassionate about our faith, ganoon din po kayo kacute, kacool, at kaadorable in person. Hahaha! #CardinalTagle #SundayBlessing

[ryanacario]

"...and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken."

Many times, if not all the time, I complain about why I'm faced with so many difficulties, problems, and trials that leave me wounded, damaged, and/or broken. Sometimes, I get tempted to question God about his hand in my life. Where is he? Why is he allowing this to happen to me? After all I've done, ito pa mangyayari sa'kin?

A few months back I served in a retreat and one of the speakers versed a quote: “It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply."

It was then that I felt the discomfort in the trials that I'm facing disappear. I began to look at the bigger picture. I began to look less on the problems I had and more on what it could mean for me. It was then that I felt... good that I was facing a great deal of trials because I knew I had a great deal of blessings waiting for me.

My faith has been disturbed, shaken, putrefied. And I still find myself in those spots once in a while, but every time I do, I am reminded that God has a purpose for everything, that he will not waste the suffering I'm going through, that in Phil. 1:6 he promised that "...he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Today, I stand more faithful and more grateful for my trials. I thank God for breaking my heart. For in doing so, he created space for his grace to flow in when he fixes it. And I understand that I am more blessed greatly for having been so broken.

#StandStrong

#KeepTheFaith

[ryanacario]

Boom

"It's the kind of love that doesn't signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that might have been beautiful, but will never amount to anything more than what it is."

[nevver]

Never get out of the car, Vanscapes by Alison Turner

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Time-lapse please. :)

[ryanacario]

I Am ____________.

The third commandment says: Thou shalt not use the name of God in vain.

This isn't just keeping yourself from saying "Oh my God" or "Jesus Christ" as expressions or cusses. It's not just acknowledging God's greatness via "God is great. He is marvelous. He is awesome." and the like.

So what else does this mean?

In Exodus 3:14, God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you."

God revealed His name to be I AM.

The commandment tells us not to use His name (I AM) in vain.

I AM never good enough. I AM dysfunctional. I AM a failure.

I AM deficient. I AM a disappointment.

By virtue of the third commandment in context with what God said to Moses in Exodus 3:14, the statements above are the ultimate examples of using God's name in vain.

"You insult the manufacturer by doubting the product." God created you. He is your manufacturer. You are a product of His perfect love.

Psalm 139:14 says: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

You are wonderful. Believe that. :)

[ryanacario]

Ready, Set, Go.

You don't have to know all of it.

There's a beauty in not knowing everything there is to know because then, you'll have room to trust. You'll have room to fail. You'll have room to learn.

You don't have to wait until you're ready, until everything's "OK," or until you're sure of what will happen next. That will never come.

Because  you're never really ready.

The point is doing it anyway. Having faith. Taking the first step, and seeing where it goes from there. After all, trusting God doesn't guarantee you a picture of the whole staircase, only a picture of the next step.

Yes, you have to think it through. You have to know if it's the right thing. You have to know if it's worth it. But don't get hooked on knowing so much that it leaves you no further than where you started for a long time.

Don't wait 'till you're ready. Take the first step.

Trust. Fail. Learn.

[ryanacario]

Trusting Again

Seeked comfort from a dear friend of mine. Gladly found it.

"Bakasyon na namin 3 weeks before mag Holy Week. Sa panahon na 'yun pa lang, kinukulit ko na si mommy na ayusin na 'yung documents ko for enrollment. May kulang kasi akong docs. Hindi na dapat ako makakapagenroll nung term na 'yun dahil dun, pero thank God pinagbigyan ako, with the condition na dapat next term (itong term na ngayon) dapat mafulfill ko na 'yung required documents. Eh 'di start pa lang ng last term (January) kinukulit ko na si mommy.

Kaya ko kasi hindi masubmit 'yung required docs kasi nasa Cebu 'yun. Birth certificate na stamped ng NSO dito sa Manila ang kailangan. Eh birth certificate sa NSO Cebu lang ang meron ako kasi nga dun kami galing. Tapos 'yung adoption papers rin, kailangan maforward sa NSO dito sa Manila. Pero kailangan personal 'yung pag-aasikaso doon sa Cebu kasi ang olats ng mga government people dun. Ang babagal kumilos.

So either kami 'yung pupunta dun, or isa sa mga family namin na nandun ang mag-aasikaso. Ang kailangan lang naman ay sabihan ni mommy ang isa sa mga pinsan/tita ko na asikasuhin 'yun. Pero nagmidterms na kami, wala pa rin. Natapos na 'yung finals, wala pa rin. Lumabas na 'yung grades, wala pa rin. Tinatanong ko kay mommy ano nang plano. Sabi niya 'di niya daw alam gagawin niya. So ako, slightly nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa na maenroll pa ulit ako. Nagsimula na akong mainis.

Tapos, ayun, fast forward sa Holy Week. Nagdecide ako na magfast (though nagfafast na ako from softdrinks mula Ash Wednesday pa, naisip ko na dagdagan ang finafast ko sa Holy Week mismo kasi may prayer petition ako). Ang tanging hiningi ko lang kay Lord ay ang maenroll ako for that term. Ang last days for enrollment namin nun ay April 15. Pasukan na sa April 21.

Nag Palm Sunday na, April 13, wala pa ring nangyayari. Nag 14, nag 15. Wala talaga. Sobrang nanlumo talaga ako nun. Nagpapakahirap pa akong magfast eh wala rin naman palang mangyayari. Eh ititigil ko na lang. Kasi para saan pa? Hindi rin naman binigay 'yung prayer ko. Tigil ko na lang. (Pero binatukan ako ni Lord. Sabi niya hindi naman ako nagfafast para sa'kin, kundi para sa kanya, kaya tuloy pa rin.)

Pero the weeks after that, nakita ko na pumapasok na 'yung mga kaklase ko, tapos ako nasa bahay lang. Ay, grabe 'yung depression. Grabe 'yung self-pity. Grabe 'yung overthinking.

Kasi sobrang delayed na ako. Jusko ilang taon na ako bago pa ako gagraduate. 23 provided wala akong ibabagsak, which in Mapua, ay pare, imposible. Anong mangyayari sa'kin? Anong mangyayari sa future ko?

At that time, nawalan na ako ng gana. Wala nang prayer time, wala nang ganang magtiwala, wala nang gana magserve. Surrender ako ng surrender kay Lord ng mga bagay-bagay pero ganito lang din mangyayari. Eh ‘wag ko na lang isurrender. Don’t get me wrong, hindi ko Siya kinekwestyon nung time na ‘yun. Hindi rin ako nagdoubt sa kanya. Sobrang nabawasan lang talaga ‘yung tiwala ko. Sobrang nachallenge ‘yung faith ko.

Sobrang hirap. Loko-loko ako nung HS, oo. But I tried to change. And I like to think na nagsucceed ako. Nagbago naman ako. But then here comes this feeling again. ‘Yung feeling na wala na akong nagagawang tama. Na kahit anong gawin ko, lagi akong nakakaattract ng hindrance sa pagsucceed ko. Gusto ko na kasing matapos ‘tong college na ‘to as soon as possible. Sobrang delayed na ako, and aside from that, gusto ko nang makatulong financially sa family namin kasi sa totoo lang, my mom can only do so much. Naaawa na ako sa kanya. To think na isa lang ang anak niya, pero parang nagiging sampu sa kakasuporta niya sa pamilya naming doon.

Nakakainis lang isipin na bakit ganito? Bakit parang kahit anong gawin ko para maging “ok” at maging successful, parang hindi talaga nangyayari. Siguro mangyayari for a bit, pero wala. Mauudlot. Sobrang nakarelate ako kay **** nun sa talk niya. I thought of exactly the same things. “Hindi sa nagyayabang, pero magaling naman ako. Hindi ako tanga. Hindi ako bobo. Hindi ako talentless. Nagseserve naman ako. Pero bakit ganito?” Sobrang frustrating lang.

Ubos na ubos na ako at that time. Pagod na pagod na ako. Kinwento ko nga kay **** ‘to nung nagadvance party kami. Nagkakabit kami ng talk tarps sa Halland. Sabi ko sa kanya na pagod na pagod na ako. Iniisip niya physically, and to an extent, tama siya. Pero hindi lang physically. Hindi lang pagod sa pag-aayos ng stuff sa camp, ng grupo ko, kaka-Alab lang din nun. Pero pagod na akong bumagsak. Pagod na akong maging “hindi ok.” Jusko, majority ng buhay ko tingin ko sa sarili ko below-average. I’ve had enough of not being ok. Tapos ito na naman? Masyadong bang malaking kahilingan ang maging “normal” na estudyante? Makapagcollege ng maayos at makapagtapos?

Ubos na ubos na ako nun. Regarding my studies, wala na akong ibang magagawa eh. Lahat nagawa ko na. Nag-aaral ako ng mabuti (though bumagsak ako), pero God knows I did my best. I just didn’t know why this was happening to me.

I never thought of God the same way for a long time. Dati lagi akong nagbabasa ng daily readings. Well-maintained ang prayer life ko, ganda ng outlook ko sa buhay, ang optimist ko. But it all went away. Tingin ko kay God nun, distant ruler. Strict na parent. Loving, pero “tough love” masyado.

Ubos na ubos na ako nun. And inisip ko ulit kung ano pang pwede kong gawin. Wala talaga. Pero technically, meron. I imagined a checklist of things na pwede ko pang gawin, found an unchecked option doon sa dulo: magtiwala.

My faith was tested, put through fire. I’m thankful that I didn’t succumb to the temptation na iquestion si Lord. I stood firm in my faith in Him and His faith in me. Ang hirap pa rin. Hindi ko kasi naiintindihan ang mga nangyayari. Hindi ko nakikita ang bigger picture. Hindi ko alam kung anong balak niya sa’kin. Pero wala, tiwala lang. (My recent post sa FB, ‘yung picture na red na may text. Check mo na lang.)

Kaya sobrang naging thankful ako na pumunta ako ng camp. Particularly nung first night. ‘Yung exhortation mo. Na kahit groggy ka from work, tatamarin pumasok sa 7am na class, push ka pa rin kasi may reason ka para gumising. Na ikaw mismo naeexcite bumangon kahit pagod kasi may dahilan ka. Na you think of God as someone who is also excited for His plans for you. A God who’s sweet, happy, caring, giddy, and affectionate. A God whom I haven’t looked at in that way for quite a while.

Sobrang nabless lang ako nun. Sobrang naging iba ‘yung tingin ko kay God lately, tapos maririnig ko ‘yung exhortation mo (isama mo pa PT ni ***). Naoverwhelm lang ako. Kaya ganun ako sa’yo sa “backstage” after mo maglead, hindi lang dahil clingy ako sa’yo (hehe), pero dahil naoverwhelm lang talaga ako.

Kaya, ayun. Admittedly, I’m still not ok. But I’m better. At least now I know where I stand in all this.

Kahit mahirap, nagtitiwala na ako ulit."

[ryanacario]

Calm Down.

I trust that You have plans for me.

I trust that this has a purpose in my story.

I trust that this will not go to waste.

I am confused. I am angry. I am in disbelief.

But I trust in You.

Because that's all that's left for me to do.