If I had a nickle for every time someone known for playing Superman was cast as the English voice of Sephiroth, I would have two nickles, which i-- WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S THREE NOW??
I keep seeing people wanting Cid to have his cigarettes in Revelation, but I think we're focusing on the wrong thing. Judging by Cid's accent, he's from the middle of fucking nowhere, Texas. Remake Cid is country boy through and through. And in 2026, even rural Texas tough guys are like "eh, naw those are for my gramma" when it comes to cigarettes.
Cid needs a modern way to show his blue-collar roots. And what do Texas boys love? You're probably thinking guns, but nah, boring. Cid needs a massive, hulking, gas-guzzling lifted truck.
I mean if you think of it, the Highwind is sissy. Where's the rack to put hunting game on? How is he going to get his hunting spoils to the next tailgate party? And it's ugly. There's no personality. Oooh, half-naked lady on the side. Overdone. It's 2026, he has OnlyFans on his phone if he wants that, and gramma will kill him if she sees that.
So we just need to make the Highwind go from Ew, Nah to YEE-HAW. We need transportation that truly reflects Cid, Texas Tough Guy.
As a FFXIV player, Cloud as a Warrior does not compute. This twink has no unga bunga. He is WAY too much in his own head to be a Warrior. His Inner Beast is insecurity. He goes through a lot but does not Shake It Off. He can't remember his own past. Bloodwhetting? More like Bloodforgetting. He certainly won't Holmgang although he might Hoe-gang with Sephiroth
Me in my 20s: I'm going to a concert this weekend, then hanging out with friends, then the next day I'm driving 3.5 hours to hang out with friends and plan my next vacation. I'm so excited!
Me in my 40s: I'm really excited about these new insoles for my shoes
Rating Stardew Valley characters based on how likely they can fistfight a bear
Harvey: 2/10
I love Harvey. He's a solid and loving husband. But he's a dork. I do think he might try a punch if his spouse was in danger, but he would probably find a way to miss even though bears are twice his size.
Alex: 7/10
Alex does a lot of strength training. And sports requires good hand-eye coordination, so I do think he would get a few good punches in. Would he win? No, because he's stupid so he would have no strategy, and he overestimates his abilities. But he would get a good hit in before he gets eaten.
Sebastian: 3/10
Lol no. Sebastian is written for 13 year old kpop stans to write cringey fanfiction over, not fighting. I gave him a few points for his youth, and he might come up with a strategy to evade and hit. But...if he does gets a hit in, it will be a wet noodle. He might get away as the bear laughs.
Jodi: 1/10
She's such a stereotypical military wife, I have a hard time remembering her name and not just calling her Dependa. Fighting is for men! Not wives! Her duty in life is dishes and martyring herself! The bear will just have to wait for her husband to come punch the bear for her-oh wait she's dead.
Pam: 6/10
She doesn't fuck around, and she's kind of a mean drunk. She would probably go completely feral in a fight. If Penny was in danger, I'm betting the bear loses an eye or something. She'll still die, but it will be a badass death.
George: 2/10
I don't consider myself ageist or ablelist, but at some point we do have to face reality, and the truth is he's a very old man who can't walk. He would 100% go out fighting. Or trying to fight at least. Maybe the bear would choke on a wheel spoke or something.
Wizard: 8/10
I said FISTfight, not magic fight. But maybe he knows a super-strength spell. He could teleport out of bear punches. Or even just teleport above the bear and end with an epic hammer punch. And who knows, maybe he's totally jacked under those robes.
Marnie: 0/10
I'm sorry Marnie, but a kind woman who loves animals and stares at a microwave all day is not beating a bear.
Clint: 8/10
This seems high, but think about it. He's a blacksmith, so while he looks flabby, he's probably extremely strong. He isn't the type to overestimate his opponents. Despite his quiet demeanor, I think he'd be pretty ferocious in a life or death fight. Unless Emily was watching. Then he'd freeze up and get eaten.
Demetrius: 3/10
He's such a nerd, he really has almost no chance. Almost. He's nerd enough to know the anatomy of bears, therefore if there is ANY weak point, Demetrius knows it. If it's at all possible, he will totally Vulcan nerve pinch that bear, THEN punch it in the face.
Sam: 4/10
I gave him some points because he's young with energy and confidence. He's also a military kid, so there's a chance his dad taught him how to defend himself. However, he has far more interest in playing guitar and video games than fighting. He might go for a warning punch, but he's not winning.
Evelyn: 0/10
I love Evelyn, but she's bear food. If she tries a single punch it's just going to break her old-lady hands.
Willy: 9/10
He's older, but he's also a man of the sea. The sea is a fickle mistress, so no wimps allowed. Who knows what lurks in those waters? He's probably had to punch a giant squid or two. A bear? No biggie.
Elliott: 2/10
He's a lover, not a fighter. He might try in the hopes or writing about the experience. Chances are, he will die complaining that the blood is clumping his hair.
Emily: 9/10
If you think this is too high of a rating, you haven't interacted with Emily enough. This girl is a freak. She likes clowns for fuck's sake. She wanted to BE a clown. She will morph into some kind of demon or LSD hallucination and beat the shit out of that bear.
Kent: 9/10
Obviously the military guy will be tough. There doesn't appear to be guns in this world, so he's probably pretty good at close combat. He says he needs something to keep his hands busy, so why not take up bear-punching as a hobby?
Robin: 5/10
She lives outside of town so she's used to wildlife. And she's a carpenter so she's probably strong. However, this is a fistfight Robin, leave the hammer and saw behind. She's probably not so tough without her tools.
Maru: 1/10
She's a nerd, and a very short one at that. I thought she was a kid at first. She can't even reach the bear. The bear can just put one paw on her head as she pathetically swings at the air.
Sandy: 4/10
Her boobs aside, Sandy's not a very developed character. I don't have much to draw on. She's friends with Emily, so that's some points in her favor. But she also likes trash flowers from the bus stop, which doesn't say "fighter." Then again she probably has shady characters in and out of her shop with the casino and all, so I think she has a small chance.
Caroline: 6/10
At first she seems as wimpy as Jodi. But then she casually drugged my farmer and acted like it was nothing. I just feel like she's going to whip something absolutely wild on the bear, and nobody will see it coming.
Haley: 0/10
Haley will break a nail in the fight and die from that. The bear will just stand there, confused.
Pierre: 10/10
I hate this smug motherfucker, but he canonically punched a full-grown man off the screen. I don't know what Pierre's workout routine is, but it's 100% enough to take on a bear.
Abigail: 8/10
She's Caroline and Pierre's kid, she likes swords and wants to go fight in the mines. She's made to fight things. The only thing I took points off for is the fear that Pierre will materialize during the fight like "whoa there, this isn't ladylike" and ruin the whole thing.
Penny: -10/10
She'll probably stand there while the bear eats her and worry if her flesh is nutritious enough for the bear. Don't want to make the bear sick after all.
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