Update some amount of months after I initially wrote this: Iām about to send this to you and I am scared shitless. I am somewhat excited, which sounds weird because itās kind of depressing, but Iām glad Iām able to send it now. But mostly scared shitless. I feel like Iām a little bit better now than when I wrote this, so you should know that. You should also know that Iāve written you at least 20 other letters. Iām feeling pretty dissociated today, so thatās making this more difficult, but yeah. I hope this makes things a little bit easier to understand. I love you so much.
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So. Iāve been thinking about writing this for a long time now. Iām not sure how much time has passed tbh. Iām not sure if Iāll ever get the chance to send this. I donāt even know what Iām going to end up saying, but Iām going to force myself to say something because you deserve that much from me. You deserve much more, but this is all I can do right now. I guess Iāll start with what happened. Iām not shitting you when I say that I canāt remember. I canāt remember the last time we talked or what was said or even what happened leading up to it. Iāve been told that no one really knows what happened to me because I canāt even remember. I donāt even remember the last thing that I remember. I donāt know how far I can think back because my perception of time is warped. I didnāt realize how bad my mental illness was. I have depersonalization-derealization disorder and maybe dissociated amnesia, in addition to bipolar disorder, and some symptoms of OCD (which, thankfully, are rather mild). I added links so you can read more about the stuff, if you want. I might be fucked up, but Iām still a nerd.
Back to the bipolar disorder, itās known as a progressive disease, so, basically, it gets worse the longer it goes untreated or gets agitated (i.e. by taking the wrong medication, like antidepressants). Looking back, Iāve had symptoms since childhood, so you can imagine how much time it has had to build up. I finally realized that I have been experiencing psychosis in the form of delusions (definition: These are false beliefs that are not based in reality. For example, you think that you're being harmed or harassed; certain gestures or comments are directed at you; you have exceptional ability or fame; another person is in love with you; or a major catastrophe is about to occur.) Apparently believing vampires are going to attack you at 12 years old is not a normal thing. And I experienced a mixed episode for the first time recently- mania and depression at the same time. Holy fucking shit, it was fucking awful. Manic episodes have also worsened- Iāll stay up all night without sleeping (like right now- itās 5 a.m.), go all day without eating, and have self-destructive urges, like wanting to drink. Iām currently in a depressed mood, but I also feel numb emotionally, which stems from the depersonalization-derealization disorder. So even though I feel like shit, I wonāt cry or feel any emotion, positive or negative. I can watch a funny movie, but not find it funny.
As far as my physical health, itās eh. I finally went to an orthopedic and found out that I fractured my tailbone and it re-healed incorrectly, so I have to have this really weird physical therapy where the therapist basically massages my butt for an hour twice a week. Itās kind of painful, but hopefully it will help the tailbone/hip/butt/leg pain Iāve been experiencing for what I think is years, but Iām not really sure. I also have arthritis in my knees because Iām fucking old. Although sometimes I forget my age.
Some other random things: Music has been everything lately. If you want to listen to what Iāve been listening to, itās been a lot of Halsey. So much Halsey. My favorites are Control and Gasoline. James Arthurās new album is great (especially Train Wreck), Wrong by MAX, and Gold by Imagine Dragons. Iāve been listening to the same shit on repeat forever now. I hear so many songs that make me think of you. The ones I can remember are Let Me Love the Lonely by James Arthur, Iāll Come Back For You by MAX, and Letās Hurt Tonight by One Republic- I just heard that one.
There was something important- okay, I just remembered it as I was saying that. Iām not on meds because I havenāt found the right one. The only thing Iām currently taking is sleeping meds. What else? Iām trying to get all of this crap out of the way so I can get to the emotional stuff. My counselor said that the symptoms of depersonalization-derealization disorder get worse when Iām alone, so I basically constantly have to be around people. Iām also not allowed to read very much because apparently my brain goes ah, yes, perfect time to stop being here. Thatās also why I havenāt been allowed to get online and talk to you, or at least update you. Any kind of stimuli, like watching TV or scrolling through Tumblr, for example, lets me lose touch with reality.
Now onto the emotional stuff. I honestly just need to start by saying that Iām deeply sorry. I also believe that words lose meaning over time, though, and Iāve said it so many fucking times by now. Iām sorry for saying sorry so much. Iām sorry for doing stupid shit that requires apologies. Iām sorry for going back on my apologies. If youāve left me any messages, Iām not able to read them, so I really donāt know how you are or what youāre doing or if you hate my guts. Every time Iāve laid in bed, thinking about what I would say if I got the chance to say something to you, one of the things that always stuck out was that I had to say that I didnāt leave by choice. And itās not important because I think it will save my ass, because I donāt deserve forgiveness at this point. But for your peace of mind, I wanted you to know that even though I canāt remember what happened, this is the accumulation of multiple mental illnesses that have gone untreated for far too long. My love for you has not wavered- even now when I feel numb, my Jaz is in the back of my mind. I also realize that this is just a bunch of thoughts strewn together in haphazard sentences, so bear with me, please. The point I want to make is that I am still deeply in love with you. Part of me hopes that youāve moved on just because I want you to be happy. And I know that might piss you off, but true love (to me) is loving someone so much that their happiness is more important than your own. But if you havenāt moved on, thatās okay, too. If Iām in your thoughts, I hope that Iām doing stupid shit that makes you laugh and being a pain in your cute butt.
Iām a little bit afraid to send you this tbh. I keep telling my head itās just kitten, itās okay. But you are not just kitten. Thatās an insult- you are the kitten. You are my kitten. And I am scared shitless that this will only make things worse. That I will undo whatever healing youāve already done. Healing you had to do because of me. Iām also scared that youāre going to be angry or even more hurt or disappointed in me or whatever. I hate myself so much for whatever pain youāve experienced because of me. Even though I canāt feel the self-hatred right now, itās always there. Anyway baby, I am so tired right now, I donāt think I can write anymore because I canāt seem to make words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs and paragraphs into enough to tell you how sorry I am and how much I miss you and how much I love you. I love you so fucking much. I think itās even more important to say that I care for you so fucking much. I hope that weāll get to talk soon. I hope that youāre okay. Please always be okay. I love you an overwhelming amount.