Theres some gross inc*st blog that took your dabi winter fic and posted it as their own
anon I am @shinsocest and hypothermic was intentionally reposted by myself onto that blog, I appreciate the ferocity on my behalf but if you could refrain from the hateful messages on that account I would appreciate that even more
I dont write here anymore, I've been meaning to delete it for a long while now but I can't remember my password and haven't gotten around to changing it to do so. I'll update my pinned to make it clear for anyone else who might still be confused about the change
TLDR; purge alert, send an ask so anything I've written that you liked doesn't disappear forever.
hello hello all. I know I already mentioned a long time ago that I've moved to writing on a different blog, but just wanted to let yall know I'm getting ready to delete this blog to keep my notifications more clear. I've got a few of my fics bookmarked to move but I'm not planning on taking everything so anything you don't want lost to void, just let me know and I'll make sure it gets posted over at @shinsocest
TLDR; purge alert, send an ask so anything I've written that you liked doesn't disappear forever.
hello hello all. I know I already mentioned a long time ago that I've moved to writing on a different blog, but just wanted to let yall know I'm getting ready to delete this blog to keep my notifications more clear. I've got a few of my fics bookmarked to move but I'm not planning on taking everything so anything you don't want lost to void, just let me know and I'll make sure it gets posted over at @shinsocest
▸ ▸ ▸ warnings: mentions of shinbaku, fwb shinsou x fem!reader, no naughty stuff but 18+ conversation nevertheless, implied quirk usage
▸ ▸ ▸ word count: drabble-sized
▸ ▸ ▸ a/n: playing with blog formatting and inserting into shinbaku. more to come probably! no edits
The smell of his favourite brew and the soft jazz wafting from the speakers make Shinsou feel somewhat at peace. Despite the time of night, you've agreed to meet him at your usual hangout: the cafe across the road from the apartment building you both live in-- neighbours, nothing more.
Never anything more. Not really.
You're in pyjamas: a worn gudetama set that he knows is soft as shit, a cardigan for warmth, and socks and slides. Cute, honestly. Any other occasion he'd make a joke at your expense, but it's 10pm and he did only text you 39 minutes ago to see if you were available.
It was a shit shift, but you seem to understand that he doesn't wanna unpack it, content just to be there with him, passively enabling his caffeine addiction.
Rather than being on him, however, your attention is on the TV mounted from the ceiling near the counter. It's muted, but there's no doubting the hero flinging himself through the sky in a series of explosions and a blur of black and orange, and there's no mistaking the stars in your eyes.
"You got a crush?" He asks, popping the lid from his takeaway cappuccino and licking at the chocolate sprinked froth.
"Huh? No!" You laugh, eyeing Shinsou off as he replaces the lid.
But there's a flush there, an embarrassment that wouldn't be there if he were wrong.
"You do, though. I can always tell." He teases, but he's right. He knew when you had the hots for the new barista 6 months ago, and he guessed about that hopeless crush you had on your tutor in college when the two of you ran into him at that bar last year.
"Doesn't matter. That guy is way outta my league." You sigh wistfully, eyeing the television longingly.
Shinsou snorts. "Bakugo?"
"No, his dad." You roll your eyes.
Shinsou chuckles, "he's not, though? I feel like people put that asshole up on a pedestal too much. He's just a dude."
A very hot, very famous pro-hero who Shinsou sometimes crosses paths with.
You give him a look and take a sip of your drink before placing it on the table. "What are you not telling me?" You narrow your eyes before your voice lowers conspiratorially. "Did you fuck him?"
Shinsou loves how fast your brain works. "Maybe he fucked me."
Your eyes light up. "Oh my god, I've indirectly slept with him?"
"Okay, this is beginning to hurt my ego."
You snort, an action Shinsou is absolutely smitten with. "I'm torn between wanting to know all of the juicy details, being jealous, and being mad you didn't tell me sooner."
"You don't tell me every person you sleep with." He shrugs, pulling a melodramatic gasp from your pretty lips.
"I do!" You're offended, brows pulling together and eyes wide. "You're the only person I've slept with in two years."
He blinks. This is... a surprising turn of events. That's as long as you've been hooking up.
Your fingers idly play with the condensation dripping from your drink, eyes downcast. He's hurt your feelings, and that hurts his. He's torn between smoothing it over and over-explaining, his too-tired-yet-wired brain jumping from A to B and back to A faster than he can actually compute.
Sometimes he forgets people aren't as free with their sexuality as he is.
"It..." he starts, growing frustrated with himself. "It happened twice. I don't think there was any reason, he didn't seek me out the first time or anything. And it's just sex, honest."
This isn't what he planned to talk to you about. In fact, he was sure he never wanted to tell you about the two of them ever, but his brain and mouth are clearly at war.
When he cautions a glance up at you, you meet his eyes with furrowed brows. He lets you process, feels that fast brain of yours tick, tick, ticking. But you dont say anything; no jests, no jokes, no cheeky predictions.
"I didn't ask you here to talk about Bakugo," he begins, trying to lighten the mood a little. "I just wanted to hang out. Sorry."
"You don't need to apologise, it's not like we're exclusive." You mumble just loud enough for him to hear. "You... like him, then?"
If it were socially acceptable to cackle like the witch from HR Puffinstuff, he would. "Like him? Babe, you meet him once, and I promise that little crush you have on him will fizzle away to nothingness."
"Mean!"
"He is! Extremely so!"
There's a soft smile on your face now, and it calms Shinsou some; he takes a drink from his coffee, savouring the bitterness as washes over his tongue.
There's a comfortable silence that follows, the kind that usually occupies the two of you in his lounge room as you both scroll on your phones and half watch shitty Netflix shows. It's crazy to him that you've hidden your crush on Bakugo so damn well, then again, he hadn't quite been forthcoming with his connection to the pro-hero.
A few moments pass, and you're slurping the last of your drink through the straw, shaking the ice around and tilting the cup so you can get the dregs.
"Is he bi?" You ask, trying to sound casual. Trying.
His interest is piqued, nonetheless. "I'm sorry?"
"I mean, I know I'm convenient, and you're up for anything, but does he exclusively sleep with men?"
Wow, okay, a lot to unpack there, but he explains: "I don't think he does, but the stuff we do might not be up your alley, sweetheart."
"I can--" you begin, too loudly. "I can do butt stuff, Hitoshi." You level with him seriously, voice lowered.
He can't help the hyena-esque howl that bubbles up his throat. "This is not a conversation for here." He spares a glance over your shoulder to the barista fussing about with the coffee grinder behind the counter.
You follow his line of sight, before your large, hopeful eyes are once again on him. "Can I come over?" You whisper, before taking your bottom lip between your teeth.
He's once again torn, mind not knowing where to latch: your teeth in your lip, the "butt stuff" comment, you practically calling him a slut.
The possibility of explaining the ins and outs of how Bakugo begs Shinsou to use his quirk on him.
Heavy lidded eyes drop down to your chest, tits pushed together as you lean against the tabletop to be a little closer to him. "Yeah, you're coming over."
so somehow it's been close to a year since i've written anything and that's made me pretty sad lately
but i have been reading a bit. mostly manhwa and spicy fiction
no matter how long it's been i still find my own stories swirling around in this little noggin of mine, i just need to rediscover the discipline to actually write them down.
ive got a new little blog over on @shinsocest that i'd like to try again on. not sure this one is going to see much more writing activity from me so i just thought i'd share
when a twist of fate led their marriage to the path of a quintessential tragic romance, two past lovers go through another series of experiences on love, heartbreak, identity, illness, and trauma along the road to a happily ever after.
notes. important announcement ! as you all know, this series has always had an extensive approach into detailing the events in its side stories (ie. sera x sukuna x naoya, yuuji x megumi, maki x yuuta x miwa, etc), but while writing the chapters, the word count and the plot building had become too exhausting for me to produce consistently, esp with the amount of scenes and side stories i was introducing to the story, so i've decided it's best for me to stick to the main characters, reader & gojo, and will only add side stories as necessary. this really hurts me knowing that i can't achieve the level of comprehensive writing and world building that i did for sincerely not, but i really want to finish sy as soon as possible and removing a chunk of side stories would be some of the things that'd help me achieve that 😭 i hope you guys understand. hopefully i'll figure out a way to write those side stories instead of completely abandoning them mid-way in this series. but as always, thanks for ur continued support <3
series masterlist -> episode eleven
“It’s a little weird.”
What was supposed to be her bed time had turned into a moment of reflection for Sera who, instead of being fast asleep at this time of the night, had unconsciously brought herself inside Sukuna’s home office to join the up-and-coming tech mogul in his late-night programming.
She wore her silk pajamas, pacing back and forth in her boyfriend’s office as her mind flew back to the recent encounter she had with her ex-boyfriend. Who knew that Satoru’s kid would look just like a carbon copy of him? No, actually, the question should be: who knew it would be a different woman by his side acting as the mother of his child? Sera had to laugh at herself, shaking her head as she realized how truly and undeniably ridiculous her ex was. It was clear that day that he wasn’t really as loyal of a partner as he claimed himself to be.
Did he really just go through all those crazy things with you, only to look like a whore-hopping fool now?
If he was bound to end up with someone else other than you, then why did he have to make Sera’s life miserable in the first place?
She may have done terrible things before as a selfish and materialistic lover of his, but that wouldn’t change the fact that Satoru also contributed to her role as the side-piece in his marital relationship. He allowed her to cling to him like a mistress. Being his side-piece wasn’t even something that she had forced upon him. It was his promise, an idea that he planted on Sera’s head, saying that she would need to stay by his side and that he would marry her guaranteed that he had already secured the merger and divorced you. He swore like a fool that he would divorce you. But guess what? The jerk ended up falling in love with his wife and suddenly had no use of Sera. Suddenly, he was such a good husband who couldn’t be more loyal. Suddenly, he was a lovestruck man who had always been in love with his childhood friend. If he had downright dumped Sera the moment his engagement was announced, if he had not been prideful and ambitious since the beginning of his marriage, he probably would have had better luck at having that healthy relationship he yearned from you.
But how come the blame of being the third-party was all on Sera when her only mistake then was loving the person who promised her all the good things in life?
Now, you see, this was all just bitterness brewing at the back of her head. She knew what she did was still wrong and that she wasn’t innocent. Sera swore to herself that she would never look back on those awful days ever again, but seeing how Satoru was running around freely with a different woman just reminded Sera of his days as a spiteful, two-timing man. Somehow, it felt like he had changed and yet didn’t at all.
Ha ha ha. How ridiculous was that?
“What’s funny?” asked Sukuna, her present boyfriend and thankfully so. He was Sera’s blessing, because she never would have thought that a man like him could still exist in a world full of Satoru’s and Naoya’s. “You look cute smiling to yourself, though.”
“I know,” she responded to the compliment, shifting to settle herself on his lap, though his attention remained fixed on his laptop screen. “It's just strange to me,” she continued, her voice thoughtful, “how Gojou appears his usual self, yet there's something off about him.”
The question clouded Sukuna’s eyes in confusion, tilting his head to the side as he tried to comprehend her description. “You mean dude got uglier?”
I wish, Sera thought. “No, he’s… he’s different. The vibes are different. For a second, he even looked like he was dissociating the whole time he was with that girl,” she said, referring to Satoru’s new girl as though she was your cheap alternative, “But then again, why is he with her in the first place if he looks absent-minded the whole time, you know what I mean?”
“Was he like that with you before?”
“At times, but it’s not like the way he’s acting right now… I don’t know, I can’t explain it. The energy is off. That’s just not how he acts when he’s really, really into someone.”
To be honest, Sukuna didn’t give a damn about Satoru Gojou’s life and any normal boyfriend wouldn’t really like hearing their girlfriend talking about another man, especially her ex at that, but he knew Sera found joy in old money gossip and he was aware of the demoralizing past she has had by associating herself with them. Sukuna was acting all engaged in their conversation because he wanted to make her feel heard and that he shared her simple joys in life. Besides, it was through her that he learned so many inside scoops about the people that ran the country’s biggest conglomerates. It was like watching one heck of a messy episode of Dynasty.
“Didn’t he get into a car accident?” he recalled, remembering the headlines on the news that day, “Then, we saw him at the expo and he couldn’t really remember you. The guy’s probably got his head all messed up.”
Sera was bitter at the time thinking that Satoru was toying with her when he asked who she was, when the truth was, he was actually diagnosed with amnesia. It was such a shock to her, truthfully, because having amnesia felt like something you would only see on a movie’s screen. Well, in that case, she could also say karma’s a bitch. The director might be onto something here.
“He’s probably not mentally fine, but still…” she thought carefully and played the scene in her head again. What was it about the Gojou that she saw the other day that was different? “He just has a different vibe to him that it feels uncomfortable. It’s like he’s rude, but not so rude? He doesn’t have much of a personality anymore. Like a complete stranger.”
“Maybe it’s the new girl rubbing off on him.” Sukuna was back to typing on his laptop as he said that. Frankly, he was just saying anything at this point.
Sera shook her head in response. “Well, I don’t know about that girl he’s seeing and I don’t really care, but it’s common knowledge to the filthy rich that she’s Y/N’s best friend. That’s why I recognized her right away, and that’s why it disgusted me,” she pressed on, “Tell me, would you—and be honest about this—would you fuck your best friend’s ex?”
The humor on her boyfriend’s face came right as she asked that. “Babe, you fucked a married man. It’s worse than fucking somebody’s ex.”
“Shut up.” Rolling her eyes, she got up from his lap and sighed, but Sukuna wasted no time in pulling her back onto his lap. His chuckle was mingling with the gentle kiss he had planted on her cheek, unaware that his actions made Sera’s heart flutter. “Forget it. I shouldn’t even be talking about Satoru with you.”
The man stretched his arms and finally closed his laptop, patting Sera’s thigh afterwards. “On that note, I do have another ‘dude from your past’ that I gotta meet tomorrow.”
Her reaction alone was a response for him. “Naoya?” she protested, face contorting with disgust. “What for? I told you not to take on that project.”
“Yeah, I considered it, and you know, the partnership could really benefit CleaveTech,” Sukuna reasoned, leaning back as he outlined the situation to her from a business standpoint. Given her own background working for the Gojou Group before, he expected her to grasp the significance of this partnership and set aside any personal grievances or emotional attachments. “The Zen'in Group is a major client. It’s all pros and no cons here.”
“The contra is the guy you’re gonna work with,” she highlighted with a hint of annoyance rising from her throat, “Naoya is nothing but an opportunistic motherfucker. Mind you, he’s a stupid elitist, too.”
He held back a laugh, not even threatened by a man who had a terrible history with his girlfriend. “Nah, I’ll deal with him. Just trust me on this.”
As much as Sera wanted to object, she knew Sukuna had a point and that she really shouldn’t hinder his company from being partnered with such a large conglomerate. She just didn’t like the thought of her boyfriend being around a man who manipulated and humiliated her to the point where she had been blacklisted by multiple companies, leaving her to resort to being somewhat of a prostitute just to make ends meet.
The world was harsh for the not-so-rich, and all Sera wanted was to give those upper class people a taste of their own medicine. But seeing as her desire for revenge would clash with her boyfriend’s chance at company growth, she had to set aside her personal grudge and support him on this one.
Still, there was nothing wrong with being curious. “Is there any other reason you agreed to this partnership?”
Sukuna smirked as if he expected that question from her. “Blame it on my little brother, he’s been bugging me ‘bout it.”
“Yuuji?” Sera asked, clearly confused.
To which her boyfriend quickly answered, “Yeah. He said it’ll give him an opportunity to work with his best friend. You know that kid, Fushiguro, right?”
Ahh. Toji’s kid aka the heir to the Zen’in business empire. Sera had met Megumi before, and while that other brat Mai used to be unreasonably rude to her, the younger boy was always civil and respectful at least. He never even once treated Sera like dirt when she was spending time with Naoya at their mansion. Perhaps their upbringing really differed because he was raised by Toji and the other Zen’ins were raised by demons.
Nevertheless, with a connection now established between Sukuna and Naoya through Yuuji and Megumi, Sera couldn’t help but feel that her peaceful days as a nouveau riche were about to become far more intriguing. Depending on the cards she would choose to play, they could even turn into a living nightmare.
— —
You weren’t exactly abandoning your company; you were merely taking a break, a necessary pause given your current mental state after the whole break-up with Toji and the Osaka thing. Your mind was just too overwhelmingly occupied to even properly function. Each day, mustering the energy to show up at Hearte's head office became increasingly challenging, especially when faced with individuals who relied on you for major decisions and creative direction.
To make matters worse, Akemi’s sudden resignation hit hard.
You received her decision by a simple letter, a mere piece of paper, without even having the guts and decency to meet with you in person. Was she scared? Or was this her way of rubbing salt on the wound, shoving it in your face that she was now taking things to the next level with your ex-husband?
She did cite in her resignation letter that her reason for resigning from the role was due to conflict of interest. You wanted to laugh when you read that part. No, you wanted to choke in your fit of laughter after reading through her asinine reasons. She could have been upfront and mentioned that the so-called ‘conflict’ was the very man her best friend had previously married.
Obviously, everyone in the office felt sad knowing that a core member of the company left without at least a 30-day notice, but they were all also aware that her resignation was due to personal albeit controversial reasons. Did Akemi not care about her image at all? The same colleagues she had trained, managed, and collaborated with would now likely gossip about her behind her back. She would become a hot topic of disrespect among the people that once heavily respected her. Did she also not care about the company you two created together anymore? This was the same company you two had passionately dreamed of during your late-night conversations on a New York rooftop. She was the one who wanted to build a fashion house together with you.
Yet, it seemed she was willing to throw it all away for a man already entangled in complicated familial dynamics. Her immediate resignation and refusal to speak to you in person just further confirmed it to you that Akemi was willing to forsake your friendship by choosing a man who already had a child with someone else.
Since she chose that path, you couldn’t help but interpret Akemi’s actions as a deliberate slight against your friendship. It seemed clear that she no longer viewed you as a friend and was essentially cutting ties with you. Otherwise, why would she take such a step? Akemi wasn’t the type to be vindictive; she likely believed she was sparing you further pain by severing your connection. However, regardless of her intentions, her actions felt deeply disrespectful and hurtful.
If this was what she wanted, then kudos to her and her unbelievable confidence to choose a man like Satoru Gojou. Besides, it didn’t even take you a week to find another replacement. Your family connections were powerful after all. You readily had a pool of potential candidates for the role of the Head of Sales, Retail, and Merchandising—all from prestigious backgrounds and unparalleled expertise. While the competition was tough, you selected the person you deemed was the most qualified to be your second-in-command. This was someone you had esteemed since college, a person who excelled in both business acumen and creative vision.
Yuki Tsukumo. She was influential in every sense, and you trusted that she would be able to manage the high pressure environment of a start-up fashion house and transform it into an iconic brand, a household name that would one day rival Chanel and Miu Miu.
You may have succeeded in replacing Akemi. You may have shown her that her position in the workforce was easily replaceable, but her role as your friend still left a lingering, repugnant mark that proved far more difficult to erase. This underlying sentiment could explain the unreasonable anger festering in your heart—a visceral reaction born from feelings of backstabbing betrayal.
It was hard enough for you to travel all the way to Osaka with a broken heart, but it became much more agonizing to watch your own son run up to Akemi like she was his mother. It was a goddamn slap to your face, indeed, to see that your ex-husband had already chosen a woman to have his happy, little family with. That he wanted to be a good man and be everything you wished for in a husband for her.
As they say, nothing hurts more than building a man for another woman.
And honestly? You cried so much on the way home that you became numb. Now, you were just trying to get over it. You were trying to bury the searing pain in order to forget the betrayal you felt. It was all too much for a person to handle and it wasn’t like you hadn’t gone through the same old shit before. Wasn’t it worse before with Satoru actually cheating and all? He technically wasn’t crossing any lines here, so it shouldn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t. You had been here before. If you had managed to get through such an awful time as his previous wife, his relationship with Akemi shouldn’t be too hard to accept. No, you weren’t trying to lowball your pain, but it was better to be an optimist in this situation than be a suicidal, self-destructive person. You had a business to run and a child to raise. You had to be strong.
Or at least, that was what you told yourself. That was what you had been telling yourself over and over, each time you got up from bed forcing yourself to have a false positive mindset. In fact, that was also why you had to take this extended break because you had to have your peace of mind. You had to have some form of release to remember why you needed to stay alive and keep yourself going.
Not just for Sachiro’s sake, but also for your own.
Your safe haven for now was at the horse ranch, where the tranquility of riding and the beauty of nature provided the perfect ambiance for reflection. How long has it been since your last visit to Willow? Your father had been joking that you shouldn’t be leaving a beautiful, white Friesian horse unattended for years, especially not for the expensive price he paid her for. True enough, because the moment you saw the mare again, you almost forgot how majestic she was for her breed. Willow was a completely docile and graceful horse, so alike to you in many ways. However, one thing that was unlike you, was that she lived in peace, existing solely for herself and not for anyone else.
If only you could be like her.
As you reached out to stroke your rare-breed horse, a new and unfamiliar stallion in the stable caught your eye. To think of it, your family shared this equestrian estate with the Gojou family. This realization meant that the strikingly elegant and tall gray horse in the adjacent stall belonged to none other than Satoru.
“It’s a Thoroughbred,” the equine caretaker informed while guiding your horse out of the stable, “Mr. Satoru got him recently and named him Six.”
A gray Thoroughbred, renowned as the most expensive horse breeds out there. It could fetch a price as high as $70 million, and of course, Satoru was the perfect owner for such a prestigious horse. The stallion embodied his essence completely—its color, its build, its rarity. On the other hand, you couldn’t help but find his naming convention by number a bit odd. His previous black stallion was named Eight. This time around, it was Six. Couldn’t he be more imaginative?
“He’s beautiful,” you mumbled, nonetheless, in awe with the regality of the horse.
“He’s a good boy, too,” added the enthusiastic horsekeeper in a thick country accent, “Mr. Satoru was here yesterday and played polo while riding him. They were perfectly in sync even if it was his first time riding him.”
Of course, he would play polo. That was one of his favorite recreational sports. The burning question at hand was, who was with him during his visit? Because if the caretaker mentioned Akemi, you would certainly lose it. This was your private space with him. This estate was a place that none of his other women had access to, not even Sera. This was a location filled with memories from your childhood. For him to bring another woman here would be crossing the damn line.
“Did he bring anyone with him?” you asked, trying to sound casual as you dusted off your boots.
The caretaker denied. “No, he was alone. He just came to play polo and check the horses he recently bought.”
Oh… “He bought more than one?”
Did he seriously get Akemi her own horse? Your heart was racing at the thought, but the caretaker led you to the stable near the exit to show you the other horse than your ex-husband had purchased. It was a brown Shetland pony.
“He got a fully trained Shetland for your son,” the horsekeeper proudly declared, showcasing the pony as if he had been instructed to do so in anticipation of your visit. It was obvious that Gojou had already briefed him on introducing Sachiro’s new pony to you because he knew you would be asking about it. “His name is Elmo. He is kid-safe and very friendly.”
Frankly, you wanted to sigh in relief, but at the same time, it warmed your heart to know that Satoru got his son his own horse at such a young age. You could already sense him planning to make Sachiro take equestrian classes when he gets older, and probably join him on his horseback riding sessions, too. You could imagine just how perfect it would be to see the father and son bonding here, racing together, playing polo together… yet it would not be you who would be watching them on the side.
This future he was setting up with his son would be an experience he would share with Akemi.
There was no you in that vision anymore.
The caretaker likely questioned your sanity when he noticed the bitter smile on your face as you mounted your mare. He might have even doubted whether you were sane enough to ride alone, without a guide, particularly through the woods since Willow had not been ridden for some time now. However, you had done it countless times before and were quite familiar with the trail, and so you dismissed his offer to lead you and assured him confidently that you knew your way back.
You needed this solitude. You craved this moment of peace, alone with your thoughts and surrounded by nature, to reflect on the ceaseless torture of your life. It was just never-ending, squeezing every drop of happiness out of your system to make sure that you would only live to suffer. You really thought you had your happy ending with someone else? You actually believed you had found the perfect man to be your actual husband?
Well, unfortunately for you, Toji was not the one.
At first, your mind flew to Toji as you went on to the trail, allowing the mare to continue trotting as you held the reins to control her. You remembered Toji’s text that morning, asking you for the hundredth time if he could meet with you. He likely wanted to apologize in person, but you doubted he would change his mind and take back the things he said. Because they were true. He could never fill the void left by his deceased wife by being with another empty soul. It was painfully, unmistakably true. You were better off dead if that was the case, because even if you did end up marrying him, you would never be regarded as the person he loved the most. After all, your role in this world seemed to always be the second option. You were never the first in other people’s books. Not with your ex-husband. Not even with your family, especially with Gen around. You were meant to be a bystander, watching others live their perfect lives while you were forced to be in your misery. Someone like Toji would not have a guaranteed blissful marriage with you and you had to spare him from that. You had to draw the line and step back from this charade that you were playing with him, knowing that you were never the right person to be with him, so at some point, you had to accept his drunken words. They came from a place of truth, and that truth would set the both of you free.
Even it hurt. Even if it fucking hurt to hear his words. You couldn’t deny them.
You could easily forgive him, but his words might take a while for you to forget because even thinking about it now was bringing a wave of pain into your chest. You didn’t even notice that you were losing control on Willow’s reins by the time you entered further into the woods, bouncing on the saddle as you galloped along the challenging path. With the speed you were riding right now, inexperienced riders would certainly find it unsafe and scary. But for you? It was just what you needed. The breeze of fresh air, the thrill of riding alone, the peaceful sound of nature—you could die there and be at your happiest.
Maybe that was where you had to be; to disappear and leave them all behind. Wouldn’t that be best for everyone? If you were to vanish, they could finally be free. Your presence, even from the beginning, was a burden for everyone—for your dad, Gen, Satoru, Toji, and even Akemi. The people you trusted the most would be the same people who would secretly celebrate your demise. So, what else was hindering you from taking matters into your own hands and ending it all yourself?
“Giddy up!”
Was it Sachiro? Definitely. But now he had his father, and he was likely starting to see Akemi as a mother figure as well. Your role as his beloved mama could be easily replaced if you were to leave him now. It wouldn’t hurt him as much that way. Three years with Sachiro seemed sufficient enough, and he was at an age where he could grow up alongside his father. In this short span, he would have lasting memories with you, yet not enough to deeply grieve your absence. He was a young child, surrounded by people who would offer the whole world to him. At least, for that, you were eternally grateful. It brought you comfort knowing that your son would have support after you were gone, and that he would find a mother figure in Akemi. Given the brief time he spent with you and the rest of his life with her as his stepmother, Sachiro would likely come to love and accept Akemi as his own mother. This was the best outcome you could hope for.
My child, my son, my baby… please don’t get mad at mommy.
Tears were gushing out of your eyes and you hadn’t even realized it until they started blurring your vision. You were far too lost in your own thoughts, unaware that you were now in an unfamiliar and seemingly dangerous part of the trail. The path was getting a little bit too steep and poor Willow was clearly stressed at your inconsiderate handling. There were multiple obstacles on your rocky terrain and you weren’t as steady and controlled as you wanted to be because the horse wasn’t comfortable navigating such a difficult path with the pace you were forcing her to.
“Ah!”
Your attempt to balance was interrupted by Willow’s loud neigh, signaling her distress before she bolted into a full rampage. She was sprinting at an estimated speed of 20 miles per hour. Not even a skilled rider like Satoru himself would be cantering that fast on unfamiliar terrain and an unfit horse. But you, you clearly had a death wish, because instead of fearing for your own life, you were far more concerned at the thought of how dreamy Satoru and Akemi’s wedding would look like after your demise. They would definitely make Sachiro their ringbearer. Suguru would be the best man. Shoko, the maid of honor. People on the internet would praise them for being an attractive couple. They would anticipate their beautiful kids together, living in the same mansion he bought as a gift to you. He would kiss her good night, tell her loves her, and offer the whole world to her. They would exchange vows and promise themselves a lifelong commitment to be by each other’s side through sickness and in health, and only in death would they part.
“Willow!”
You let out a shriek as the reins slipped from your grasp, causing you to tumble off the saddle and crash onto the ground. The impact was first felt in your elbow, and a sharp, searing pain then radiated through your body. There you lay, sprawled on the dirt, helplessly watching Willow galloping out of control up the mountain, and then tragically plummeting off a cliff.
“Nooo! Willow, no!”
Utter hysteria overtook you. You sobbed uncontrollably, unable to determine which pain was more agonizing—the clearly broken elbow, the loss of the horse you had inadvertently led to its death, or the heart-wrenching reality of Satoru starting a family with someone else.
You were pathetic. You were such a pathetic excuse of a human being and this was why you deserve hell.
“Willow!”
Toji couldn’t love you. Your own son didn’t want to be around you. Satoru had gotten over you. And now, you drove a poor innocent horse to its demise because of your recklessness!
You were crying hysterically as you held your pained elbow, crawling by the cliff’s edge as you screamed for your horse’s name, but in the end, there was nothing you could do. You could only apologize to poor Willow for having such an irresponsible owner, and now she was dead because of you. 16 years of her life, she was able to live in peace until you came and ruined it all for her. It should have been you. You were the one who should have jumped off a cliff. You should atone for your sins and follow her, but you were too weak, far to overcome by the excruciating pain on your hip and your broken elbow to move or do anything at all.
That was, until your mind had completely shut down, leaving you as a mere body to be discarded alone in the darkness of the woods. You hoped that no one else would find you soon.
— —
“A-Angina?” Satoru’s eyes went wide. His whole world stopped before him.
“Yes. She was diagnosed with stable angina,” Dr. Mori confirmed, much to your husband’s horror. “But there is another factor that requires her to have more rest. You need to take good care of your wife, Mr. Gojou. Her body needs a lot of nutrients so she can carry safely.”
He could barely process the whole thing in his head because the news kept coming one after another, leaving him in a befuddled state with a flood of unanswered questions running through his mind. “What do you mean…?”
“Your wife is seven weeks pregnant.”
…
…
“Y/N?”
“Y/N!”
“Are you out of your mind?!”
You could barely pry your eyes open, but when you finally managed to, you were met with the concerned expression on Gen’s face. The harsh glare of fluorescent lights and the antiseptic scent confirmed to you that you were in the ER, likely an hour or two after the incident in the woods. The memory of the trail quickly flooded your thoughts, and a pang of sorrow gripped your heart as you recalled Willow's final moments before she fell off the cliff. The poor horse had lost her life, while the one responsible for her tragic death remained alive, save for the bandage wrapped around your arm.
“Why did you ride into the woods alone?” Gen persisted with her barrage of questions, standing by your bed as you attempted to sit up. “Are you suicidal or what? Riding your horse in a dangerous trail like that—”
“You know what, maybe I should have just died back there!” you snapped, wincing from the pain in your elbow. Her choice of words struck a nerve in you. “Maybe I’d prefer that over sitting here, listening to your sanctimonious lecture like you're so perfect yourself! How obnoxious.”
“Then, maybe you shouldn’t be riding so recklessly and causing alarm to everyone else!”
“Did I literally ask you to come save me?!”
The atmosphere around you two just became even more uninviting, with discomfiting silence seeping through as you and Gen were engaged in a sharp glaring contest. Your father stood behind her, clearing his throat to cut the tension.
“That’s enough, Gen.” Your dad placed a hand on her shoulder, and although she wanted to protest, she knew better not to keep stirring the pot after receiving his strict gaze. “Let’s just be thankful your sister is safe. There’s no need to be so overwhelming.”
You rolled your eyes, drawing in a deep breath before you looked away from them. None of them would ever understand your pain unless they were in your position. They didn’t carry the same baggage as you, so they would never fully comprehend the weight of your suffering. You had already dealt with similar pain on your own before and that was why you didn’t need any of them to come to your aid, meddling with your life like they knew exactly what you were going through. “Just leave me alone, you guys. I wanna rest.”
Since when did your relationship with your sister start to get rough? It wasn’t really like this before, but ever since she started to become too overprotective over you and your choices in life, particularly choices linked to Satoru, Gen had started to become insufferable in your eyes. She was acting too much like a mother; controlling your decisions, lecturing you about your personal relationships, being too involved with your private life. There, ever since that, you started to distance yourself from her, and she didn’t like that. Her stubbornness wouldn’t allow her to cease acting like this mature, picture perfect big sister to you.
With that said, Gen would have normally gotten annoyed when you asked them to leave you alone, but this time around, she seemed to have reflected on her insensitivity a lot better with your father around. “I’m sorry, okay?” she said, her tone still tinged with stubbornness, “I just got worried. I don’t know what’s gotten into you to put yourself in danger like that, but… please, Y/N. If you’re going through something, you can always speak to us. Dad and I, we’re here for you.”
To be fair, if you had to put yourself in their shoes, it really would have been alarming to know that your sister almost died. This wasn’t the first time you were at death’s door either, so they were probably scared shitless when they were informed of your situation. Your absolutely reckless situation. You didn’t mean to cause a scene, neither did you intend to bother them on their already busy schedules. You just had so many things in your mind while you were horseback riding, too engulfed by your own sorrow that you didn’t realize the repercussions after the incident had already taken place.
“I’m sorry, too.” Your voice softened with humility. “I didn’t mean to worry you guys. It was just really an accident.”
Of course, Gen suspected it was more than just an accident. Your dad did, too. It was obvious on their forlorn faces that they were worried for your mental and emotional well-being, but none of them dared address the elephant in the room. It seemed they didn’t need to, anyway, since one of the many reasons that contributed to your earlier breakdown took a peek from behind the curtains, clearing his throat and sending you a look of sympathy.
“Y/N?” Toji looked at your father and your sister for approval before stepping further inside your space in the ER. “Can I talk to you?”
There was no escaping Toji’s presence anymore. No more hiding, no more avoiding. You knew you had to have this talk with him no matter how many times you ignored his flood of texts and calls. While this may have struck as an opportune moment for him to speak to you in person, facing the painful truth of your situation weighed heavily on you. Besides, hadn’t the irony presented itself right there? If Satoru were the one trying to speak to you, even if he was the father of your child, Gen would have been quick to lash out at him. Yet with Toji, even with the general knowledge of what had transpired between you two, your sister still showed no hostility towards him, allowing him to approach you freely and without interference.
But then again, Toji was far from being a cheating, manipulative scumbag who not only caused you suffering but also sought to selfishly acquire your family’s company. Therefore, he wasn’t considered a threat.
Alright, then. Since Toji genuinely wasn’t a threat to your current emotional state, you agreed to talk with him. It was the first time you had seen the not-so-confident side of Toji Zen’in. He was typically a man of virtue, often holding his chin high, offering the best advice, and having insightful perspectives on life. However, it seemed you had shattered that confidence in him. You could sense his cautiousness around you as he stood by your side in the ER, assisting you with your needs, and eventually agreeing to your request to walk you to the rooftop garden.
“I don’t really think there’s anything else we should talk about.” It was you who first broke the silence, staring at the cityscape while sitting on a wheelchair. The calm breeze allowed your mind to seize the moment with a peaceful mind. “I already heard what you had to say.”
Toji found it better to kneel down in front of you to meet your eyes as he spoke to you in a sincere and earnest voice. “Y/N, I was drunk when I said all that shit back there. I didn’t mean them. I didn’t mean to hurt you with my callous words, and I feel awful that you had to hear them from me. You trusted me. You sought comfort from me. I wasn’t thinking like a normal person when those things came out of my mouth.”
“That doesn’t mean they weren’t true,” you replied with quiet resignation. It was the acceptance in your face that seemed to have caused Toji’s heartbroken gaze. “It’s okay, Toji. I think, when you said all those things, it actually made me realize some aspects of our relationship that had to be addressed. It made me more self-aware and it opened my eyes on the bigger picture.” You touched his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze as you mustered the courage to speak your next words. “It’s for the best that we part ways. It’s not fair to me to become a placeholder for your wife the same way it isn’t fair to you to have to deal with my ex-husband always being present in my life. Our unresolved feelings won’t really be resolved by being together.”
“Y/N…” Toji’s voice hinted at his vulnerable emotions, though he restrained himself from showing it fully. And you didn’t miss the apologetic look he had presented to you. “Despite all that, I hope you know that I’d been true to you. I do love you and will always love you. I’ll always be someone you can rely on, someone you can seek comfort from, someone you can turn to when you need help…”
Damn it. Why did he have to make it sound like an actual break up? Now, it tugged at your heartstrings and hit you in a place it shouldn’t have. You weren’t good at these things and it certainly was your first time dealing with such a mature and mutual separation, but wasn’t that a good thing? No further drama was to happen, leaving a stark comparison to your separation with Satoru. While this one didn’t hurt as much, it still brought a hollow feeling in your chest.
“Same for me,” you agreed, displaying a weak smile. “You’ll always have a spot in my heart, Toji. I’ll always be grateful that I met you.”
Sometimes, two people didn’t need to be together to love each other. Friendships could still thrive between ex-lovers, and that was why closure was so important. It not only closed a certain chapter of your life in a healthy way, but also allowed you to heal and open yourselves to a new beginning without any bitterness left behind.
It shouldn’t be considered bad to remain friends with an ex. It also shouldn’t be bad to give a parting kiss from said ex, right?
You weren’t the one who initiated it, after all. It was Toji’s hand that gently stroked your cheek. It was him, who leaned forward and pressed his lips onto yours. It wasn’t forceful, but neither was it passionate. It was simply a tender kiss of goodbye, feeling the warmth of each other’s lips for one last time before you two would transition from being lovers to friends. What you didn’t understand from this supposedly bittersweet moment was the faint tears that somehow managed to escape your eyes, perhaps because you knew that once Toji left, you would be alone again.
You had no one by your side to love you, cherish you, choose you, and offer their entire world for you. You were meant to live this cruel world all by yourself.
As he pulled away, he pressed his forehead against yours. “Please learn to love yourself before anyone else, Y/N. It’s what you need and what you deserve.”
That night, while you were getting your MRI, your mind kept flying to the possibilities of a future without having anyone by your side. Any normal person would tell you to focus on loving yourself first, as Toji did recently, focusing on what matters most, and ridding yourself of the toxic things that hinder you from moving forward with your life. Things weren’t as easy as they sounded. Besides, it was different being on the receiving end of the said advice. How could you do those things when the primary cause of your pain was someone whose life would always be linked to yours forever?
Based on the result of your MRI scans, your doctor recommended that you undergo elbow arthroscopy. It was just a minimally invasive procedure compared to open surgeries, but considering how much of an overthinker your dad was when it came to your health, he insisted on your confinement at the hospital until you had been completely cleared of any other issues. He really placed a big deal on your condition and emphasized to the doctors that they make sure nothing was missed. It could have been worse; you could have had a broken hip or a fractured leg, but at least you only had a dislocated elbow. Nothing that couldn’t be easily corrected by surgery and physical therapy.
The decision was for you to stay there for two days, and on your first night, a crying Sachiro ran inside your private room because his ‘mama has a boo boo’. Gen said he was picked up from daycare and dropped off at the hospital because the poor kid was looking for you. She didn’t mention who dropped your son off to you, but you could tell it was Satoru. You could sense it by the glances she exchanged with Ian after you asked how Sachiro came to the hospital.
So, in that case, Satoru must have found out about your little incident and didn’t care enough to see you. Did he not even have an ounce of care anymore? Or was it Gen who stopped him from seeing you?
“Did you ask him to leave?” you confronted Gen in a mellow voice, rubbing Sachiro’s back as he snuggled into you on the hospital bed.
Your sister knew exactly which man you were referring to, and she denied having done such. “No, I didn’t even talk to him. He took Sachi here and left.”
You didn’t know why you looked at Ian to confirm the truth of his wife’s words, but hurt yourself upon seeing his bowed head. It was an apologetic expression that did signify your ex-husband’s blatant act of ignoring you. To hear about your near-death experience and simply leave without even checking on you should be your wake-up call. He didn’t care anymore. No, why should he care? He had Akemi. His only responsibility with you was to be a supportive father to your son.
Why did the pain in your heart feel far more agonizing than the discomfort on your dislocated elbow?
If anything, you wanted to ask for the strongest anesthetic they could offer to numb your pain. You were desperate to have anything even if they had to put you into an eternal sleep. That would have been much easier to deal with than feeling disregarded by a person you supposedly had moved on from. Satoru did nothing wrong here. It was you who had that expectation, only to disappoint yourself when things didn’t happen as you imagined.
And just when you thought things would get better as long as you ignore your torturous thoughts, it didn’t help that being in the hospital kept giving you flashbacks of the time you were in this exact room, hearing Satoru crying helplessly from outside and begging for you not to terminate his child. What comes around certainly goes back around. Or worse.
Such depressive thoughts had you occupied throughout your stay there, and your unusual placidness alarmed the nurses instead of being assured that you were doing well. You heard your doctors telling your father and sister to always keep a close eye on you as the incident may not seem serious, but the trauma would undoubtedly be present somewhere and somehow. Were they aware? Of your intrusive thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself?
The elbow arthroscopy was successful and by the second day, you were free to go home. You were placed on certain medications to help with the swelling and the pain, and while you were walking around the hospital with a listless mind, you happened to pass by the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department. What a deja vu it was, remembering the time you had seen Satoru there waiting outside for Sera. Back then, it was one of the climactic events in your life that led to a domino effect on the downfall of your marriage. Not that you were reminiscing, but it did remind you that Shoko was probably there in her consultation room and it would be nice to talk to a friend who had witnessed the wild history of your marriage.
You asked Gen to wait for you in the car while you headed to Ieiri’s consultation room, assuring your visibly worried sister that everything was fine and that you wouldn’t take too long. You had to give Gen some slack, because despite the strains in your relationship as sisters, she was still always there for you. At the end of the day, she was family.
Shoko, on the other hand, was the next closest thing you had for a sister. She welcomed you inside her room in a very worried embrace, telling you that if she had known about the incident, she would have gone straight to your hospital room on your first day, but you told her not to worry about it and understood that being in the medical field already had her schedule tight.
“Well, I guess it’s perfect that you’re here, too.” Shoko smiled warmly, sitting behind her desk. She had exciting news to offer, it seemed. “I just wanna say that… of course, I’ll still be sending you a formal invitation and everything. I actually have a few gifts along with it.”
You shared her enthusiasm. “Hmm… is it what I think it is?”
The wedding. The most eventful day of her life would be arriving soon and you were the first one to hear it.
“Yes!” she answered, with the utmost joy coruscating from her eyes. “I want you to be my maid-of-honor, Y/N. I’d be extremely happy if you could make it. I know you just got into an accident, but it won’t be until two months, so—”
“Hey, it’s okay.” You eased her worries by chuckling. “I’m completely fine, of course I’ll be there. I can’t miss it.”
Shoko was grateful to hear your answer, relieved even, because by asking you to be her maid-of-honor, you should already understand who Suguru’s best man would be. That was a touchy subject for you and she was keenly aware of it, but you didn’t want her to worry. You didn’t want your relationship with your ex-husband to have a negative impact on the relationship of all the other people surrounding the both of you. It was already bad enough that Shoko and Suguru almost called off their engagement after they fought over their morals as you and Satoru’s friends, and you were glad that they somehow made things work. They somehow set aside their disagreements and ultimately chose their love over anything else.
Their love was beautiful, and while that wasn’t something you could easily have, it was something you deeply admired.
“Where are you guys planning to hold your wedding?” you asked, steering the conversation away from any mention of your ex-husband. “Here or overseas?”
She delighted you with her answer, sounding as if this was the perfect wedding she had always dreamed of. “It’s an intimate wedding on the lakeside. Suguru chose the location, actually, since he wanted our wedding to have the view of Mount Fuji.”
“That’s perfect,” you said with wide eyes. “Lake Kawaguchiko?”
“Yep. That’s exactly where it’d be.” She smiled with her eyes. “You know this resort… Hoshinoya Fuji? We already booked the place, and we have a luxury cabin for friends and families to stay at.”
You had been there before, but you were too young to remember. All you knew was that it was a high-end resort that had the best panoramic views of Lake Kawaguchiko and Mount Fuji. The hotel owner was also a close friend of the Gojou family, so that was probably why they were able to rent the entire place for the wedding, especially at a peak season for tourists.
Since the fall season was arriving, you could only imagine the stunning views of the autumn foliage there. It offered the perfect weather, too. It wouldn’t be as hot as summer, nor as freezing as winter. Surely, it would be nice to do some nature walks and stargazing, maybe ride a boat or bathe in a hot spring. You looked forward to it, except for the fact that your ex-husband would also be there.
And just what a perfect timing it was, because as Shoko sorted through her patients' medical records above her desk, a file slipped from the pile, revealing the name of your very friend, Akemi.
“Oh,” Shoko murmured apologetically as she retrieved the record, not wanting to ruin the mood of your conversation. “She, uh, came by a few days ago... with Gojou.”
You didn’t need to ask. You didn’t need to hear any further detail. Akemi’s visit likely revolved around her desire to conceive, as she wouldn’t have visited Shoko otherwise. Why? If it were simply to monitor her polycystic ovary, why did she choose Shoko instead of her own gynecologist? Thinking of how your ex-husband and best friend were attempting to start a family together left your heart shattered in unimaginable pieces, stirring up painful memories of your pathetic marriage with Satoru and reopening old wounds you thought had already healed from. Wasn’t it ironic that a couple of years ago, you were crying over the same situation with Sera?
You couldn’t stand this feeling anymore. You thought you had already freed yourself from the pain of loving him, yet here you were suffering from the same heartbreak over and over and over again. Tears threatened to spill, but you held them back, the ache in your chest too raw to confront just yet.
“It’s funny.” Although you displayed an outward smile, the sadness in your voice reflected your otherwise inward thoughts. You didn’t know why you said that. You were just too… too emotional. Almost like you couldn’t breathe. “He was never this passionate with me. They seem so in love.”
Ieiri’s eyes carried sisterly concern in them. “Y/N, it’s not really what you think.”
Was it? You weren’t sure what to feel anymore. You certainly weren't there to hear it anymore, either. Satoru chose her, just like what you wanted for him to do. Just like what you asked him to do. He had moved on, he had found someone who would love him for who he was, he had chosen the woman he would share the rest of his future with. Call yourself ridiculous for even feeling hurt about it, because you had no right to be and you definitely chose this. Either you own up to it, or you cry about it for the rest of your life.
Both choices had no happy endings.
— —
When Satoru learned about your incident in the woods, he thought he was going to lose his mind.
Was it out of love that he swiftly left the office in the middle of a meeting just to get to where you were?
He still had to pick up Sachiro from daycare, and he felt bad telling his son on the way to the hospital that his mother was hurt. It actually gave Satoru a hard time explaining to the 3-year old that they had to go to the hospital because his mommy was there and that she had an unfortunate encounter while riding a horse.
“Dada, is… is mama okay?” Sachiro pouted with wide, tearful eyes as he clung to his father’s hand. “Sachi wants to go to mama!”
“She’ll be okay, Sachi.” Gojou carried his son and soothed him as they went inside the hospital, searching for you. “Mommy’s strong, remember?”
Was it out of love that he wanted to be the person that brought your son to you when you most needed him?
According to the nurse, your room was on the seventh floor, but when he got there, your room was empty. It was Ian who told him that you went up the rooftop garden to get some fresh air, insisting that if Satoru wanted to go and talk to you, that it was best to leave Sachiro with them.
And so he did. He ran hastily, almost out of breath, until he reached the rooftop, scanning every face within the vicinity until his tired blue eyes finally landed on you.
Satoru laughed in disbelief. He scoffed bitterly, with each breath full of disgust. The tips of his fingers felt cold, while his breathing grew thin and ragged. He could feel his stomach clenching at the humiliation of seeing you engaged in an intimate make-out session with Toji Zen’in.
How sickeningly sweet.
At that point, he was laughing at his own expense, ignoring the elderly lady who looked at him like he was a crazy person. He stood there frozen for a few minutes, watching you kiss another man before it finally woke him up from reality.
It was out of love that he let you go.
You see? This was where his attachment to you would lead him. It was pure and unreasonable selfishness, but he would gain nothing at all from even seeing you. He didn’t need to care for you at all, no. You had Toji. You seemed to be goddamn happy with your life with Toji. And what a romantic fucking moment that was, too.
Satoru couldn’t think straight when he hurriedly left the hospital and got inside his car. He desperately wanted to forget the painful image of you locking lips with somebody else. How? How would he? Fuck! He was mad, mad at himself for choosing to come to your aid like he still had any role in your life. He was disgusted at himself for ignoring Akemi’s calls after promising her a movie date after work. He couldn’t believe he had her waiting all by herself in that cinema, waiting for him to come while he was stupidly running around the hospital to see his ex-wife.
You chose Toji, then you better be happy. Satoru hoped you were happy, and that wish came from a place of genuineness. He genuinely hoped the best for you. Because for him, it was time to fully let go and stop himself from trying to be the superhero whenever you were in danger. You weren’t his wife anymore.
So, was it out of love that he headed straight to Akemi’s apartment that night with a bouquet of red roses?
She didn’t know what happened nor was she given the full detail as to why he unintentionally stood her up on their date night. He had just briefly explained that he had to drop Sachiro off to you at a hospital because you got into a small accident. Akemi, being your friend, got immediately worried upon hearing the situation and asked if Satoru was able to check on you.
He said no. He said Toji was there. He said he left as soon as dropped Sachiro off.
And in an effort to apologize for not paying attention to the current woman in his life, Satoru pulled Akemi in a tight embrace. He held her in her arms, drunk from the sweet and citrusy notes of her perfume, before pulling away to kiss her. He kissed her with the same passion as you did with Toji. Perhaps even more, even better. He completely devoured her lips, with a hand on her cheek and the other on her waist. The taste of her tongue was sweet like strawberries, while her lips were red like cherries.
This woman was all he needed.
But was this love? He didn’t know. It was too soon to tell, too early to answer, too hasty to even consider.
— —
The current situation you were in reminded you of your younger self after your mother had died. It was the same before; you never left the house, often locking yourself in your room, shutting yourself off from the world, and drowning yourself with the pain and loneliness of losing somebody important.
Sure, no one really died for you to be acting this way right now, but the feeling was still the same. Was this really a comeuppance to all of your wrongdoings before? But just how terrible were you of a person to be hit by this unbelievable truckload of sorrow? You might as well spur on the physical pains of your angina again if this torment continued. Otherwise, how else do you avoid it?
You were being a terrible mother, too. You were too engrossed by your own misery that you couldn’t even properly take care of Sachiro. He didn’t deserve to have an incompetent and irresponsible mother like you. He deserves someone better, someone like Akemi, who not only has all the motherly traits a woman should have, but also the physical and mental capacity of being a true, strong woman.
Sachiro was bound to have that, anyway. Now that his father was planning his lifelong journey with another woman, and now that he was trying to build a happy family with her, you were no longer needed in the picture. There was no need for you.
How many more times would you tell that you have accepted it?
Because, god be damned, you knew you couldn’t. You knew you were lying to yourself when you said everything was fine, lying to Satoru when you told him you didn’t need him in your life anymore, lying to Toji for telling him that you wanted to marry him, lying to Akemi that you didn’t care if she was seeing your ex-husband, and lying to Sachiro when you promised to him that you would never leave his side. You were a liar. A terrible liar. A pitiful, terrible liar.
How would you tell the universe that you couldn’t take it anymore? That, for once, you wanted to be showered by happiness and all the good things in life?
Sera was right. Not everyone could have it all. There were people of lesser fortune who weren’t blessed to live a lavish life like you, yet still work hard to achieve what they want. Why couldn't you achieve your own happiness without blaming it on the universe? If this was simply a lesson, then weren’t you the top student at this rate?
God. God, help me. You really didn’t know how to deal with this life anymore. You weren’t sure how to proceed. You couldn’t rely on anything other than the bottle of alcohol on your hand—what was once full was now half empty after you took another swig. This was your second bottle already, wasn’t it? Or third?
You got up from the floor and failed to walk in a straight line as you made your way towards the balcony. Your steps were unsteady, wavering like a leaf caught in a gentle breeze. With each attempt to move forward, your body swayed from side to side, struggling to maintain balance. You almost lost grip of the bottle you were holding. No, it did, in fact, slip from your hand and ended up crashing into the floor. Shards of glass lay across the ground, ready to pierce the soles of your feet to mirror the same physical pain your heart was experiencing.
“Stop,” you muttered under your breath, begging for your chest to stop hurting. But it only worsened, and your antidote to that was to wash it down with even more liquor. No matter how expensive it was, you didn’t even like the taste of alcohol. You hated the sting on your throat whenever you drank it. You despised the bitterness it left on your tongue. However, it did great at numbing your emotions.
It just felt wrong in many ways that you were seeing Satoru’s face whenever you closed your eyes. You could see his smile, his loving eyes, his beautiful lips. You missed his embrace, his kiss, his touch. You missed hearing his I love you’s. Him. You missed him. You yearned for him. Three goddamn years, and you were still undeniably in love with him.
“Satoru…” you cried, sitting on the floor. Each breath made it harder and harder for you to catch as tears continued to stream down your face. You were tired of pretending, denying that you no longer had feelings for him when you knew deep down that you would always choose him. “S-Satoru… come back to me, please.”
Was it him coming inside your room? Or was it your vision making a fool out of you?
“Baby, what are you doing?” Satoru’s expression was engulfed in immense worry as he knelt down and reached out to you, touching your cheek and looking at your eyes somberly. “Don’t do this yourself, Y/N.”
Your head hung low, your gaze unfocused and glazed, as you fought to keep your eyes on the path ahead. You had to reach him. You wanted to touch him, hug him. And despite your best efforts, your movements were disjointed and erratic, betraying the effects of the alcohol coursing through your veins.
“Y/N, that’s enough.” Gen had to use force just to be able to snatch the bottle away from you, forcing you to wake up to the reality where Satoru no longer existed to be there for you. It was her who came rushing inside your room in the middle of the night. The bottle of liquor was now spilled all over the floor. The same could be described with your emotions. “Get it together. You haven’t been acting like yourself lately!”
You couldn’t, even if you wanted to. You were in delirium after having dealt with all the terrible things the world had thrown at you. If you couldn’t drown yourself in alcohol, how else would you have been able to numb the pain? How else would you have been able to… forget?
As much as your sister tried to hide the obvious sympathy in her voice, even your drunken mind could recognize it. “We all know you’re going down the depression lane again, but never to this extent.” Her voice cracked in the middle of her sentence, cradling you into her arms as a tear fell down her face. The Gen who would usually lecture you, was now holding you in her arms as her only baby sister. “Stop this, Y/N, please. Don’t ruin your life the second time. I-It’s hurting me. It’s hurting Dad. Do you… do you realize what Sachiro’s gonna think of you when he sees you like this?”
“Gen…” Muffled sobs unwillingly came out of you, leaving you with such excruciating pain in the chest, so much so that it didn’t even feel like you had done surgery to fix your (quite literally) broken heart. “I w-want him back,” you continued to cry, “I want my husband back. I want to be with h-him, Gen.”
“Y/N.”
“Where’s S-Satoru…? D-Did he leave? Please take me to him—”
“Y/N, listen to me.” She gently cupped your cheeks, forcing you to look at her pained eyes. “You’re intoxicated. He was never here, and he’d never come for you. You have to let it go.”
“But—”
“He’s not good for you. He never will be.”
— —
It had been two weeks since Satoru last heard about you. Miwa was the one who updated him that you had already returned to your family’s mansion, letting him know that you were okay and that you were recovering well. Frankly, Satoru was starting to get annoyed at the fact that his secretary was still giving him updates about you. What did he care? He wasn’t your husband anymore.
Besides, Toji was probably visiting you every day, so why did he have to worry about you? If there was anyone he should be worried about, it was Akemi. She had been experiencing terrible pelvic cramps lately, which needed to be given serious attention, but you would never see her being dramatic about it. The only thing she needed was for Gojou to accompany her visits to the OB-GYN, and even then, she never showered herself in self-pity. She carried herself like an independent woman, and that was exactly what Satoru needed in his life right now.
He had a son to raise. He had a company to run. It wasn’t the perfect time to commit himself to someone lawfully. Heck, he didn’t even believe in marriage anymore. He realized that two people could still love each other without getting married. As long as Akemi didn’t pressure him about such things, he was fine with having her around. She didn’t ask for anything much, anyway.
As for you, well…
“What are you planning with that mansion you gifted Y/N?” asked Nanami, seated on the couch inside Satoru’s office, casually reading a newspaper. “Do you even remember that?”
He certainly did. “What about it?” he questioned, idly toying with a pen on his desk. “It’s her property now. She can sell it if she wants.”
Better yet, you should let Sachiro inherit the property someday. His son was already set for a life of privilege having wealthy parents on both sides, but wouldn’t the mansion be a substantial addition to his assets in the future? Satoru couldn’t help but envision the kind of man his son would grow up into. He hoped Sachiro would not inherit his father's immaturity and pettiness but would embody the kindness and altruism of his mother. From a business perspective, however, Satoru planned to groom his son to be a leader, as he was the sole heir to the Gojou Group. Additionally, he would also inherit half of Creston and the entirety of Hearte. No wonder Sachiro was recently listed as the wealthiest kid by Forbes Japan. He even beat Megumi Zen’in from the list even though the teenager was the heir of the Zen’in business empire.
These were the thoughts that should consume Satoru—the future, not the past. His kid, not you. And he was right about doing so, because when he came home to his penthouse, he was told that he had a visitor.
A visitor on a Wednesday afternoon?
Your brother-in-law, the esteemed prosecutor who sent his evil stepmother to jail, appeared on his front door, carrying Sachiro in his arms. It was hard to tell what type of emotions were visible on the man’s face, but he definitely didn’t bring any good news.
“Ian?” Satoru promptly made way for the man to come in, ushering him into the penthouse and allowing him to set Sachiro down. The young boy was quick to dart off to his playroom, leaving the two men in an uncomfortable silence. “What’s going on? Weekends are usually my schedule with Sachi.”
Ian cleared his throat, a hand on his pocket. “Do you mind looking after Sachiro for the time being?”
By saying ‘for the time being’, it seemed like Ian wanted to actually say ‘until further notice.’ But that confused Satoru even more, because what was happening for the man to come here and ask him to let Sachiro stay beyond the agreed schedule with his father? He couldn’t read through Ian’s expression and it was making him uneasy.
“I can, but… why so suddenly?” Gojou asked, glancing at his oblivious son.
“It’s Y/N’s idea, Gen doesn’t know about it.” Ian released an awkward chuckle. “You know how my wife is.”
Gen would absolutely hate it, Satoru was aware for sure. Though the questions lingered in his mind. “Why would Y/N want Sachi to stay with me? Where’s she?”
Was it him or was Ian having a hard time explaining the situation? It felt like he was walking on eggshells, deciding between what had to be said and what shouldn’t. He was careful with his words when he spoke again, “Y/N flew to Monaco this morning and will be back when she’s ready. She says Sachiro should spend all of his time with you while she’s gone.”
Monaco? Why would you be there?
Confusion bathed Satoru’s eyes. “Is it for a fashion event or something?”
“No, she’s just…” Ian struggled heavily. “Well, to sum it up, she has to go there to sort some things out. It’s a personal thing, but she really needs this time for herself and we think it’s the best for her right now. I don’t know how long she’s gonna stay there or when she’ll be back, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say here.”
No, he didn’t. Satoru found it difficult to fathom his ex-brother-in-law’s words, seeing as he had no general idea of what was truly going on. But if you were flying to Monaco, surely Toji wouldn’t allow you to go there all by yourself?
Ahh. It made sense now. I see what’s happening here.
Satoru’s lips curled into sarcasm. You would be vacationing with the love of your life. Is that what it was? Planning your halted wedding? Choosing wedding gowns? Looking for venues? There was no way you would be flying to Monaco alone, especially without Sachiro around when you two had been inseparable since his birth.
“What kinda mother is she?” Satoru muttered in disgust, unaware that Ian had overheard him. But Ian had heard loud and clear. How could you leave your son behind like this? Couldn’t you face your ex-husband to discuss it, instead of just dropping Sachiro off as if he were some unwanted toy?
“Hold it right there,” Ian interjected, becoming defensive at the accusation. “You have no idea what she’s going through.”
How would he know? No one was telling him shit. No one was giving him details, so did they expect him to understand things and accept them as they were? Did they do the same thing to Satoru when he was at the verge of losing his sanity asking everyone for forgiveness over and over?
“I've never taken sides between you two, Satoru, you know that,” Ian continued, trying to maintain a calm demeanor and speak with clear judgment, “But one thing I’m not gonna let you do is call Y/N a bad mother.”
Satoru’s chest tightened at Ian's words, a mixture of guilt and frustration bubbling up inside him. He knew he shouldn’t have spoken out of turn, but the pain and resentment were too raw to contain. It felt like you were abandoning him and your child, like you were off to a new chapter in your life again, and leaving everything behind. Perhaps this was his trauma from the New York thing crawling back at him, but it definitely reminded him of the day you had abandoned him. For three fucking years. How long would it take you to return now?
Why do you keep doing this? He was sick of it. You kept running away instead of talking to him. He gets it, people change, circumstances change, but couldn’t you at least have the decency to talk to him about it? Was it wrong for him to wish you’d handled this differently? To wish that you’d talked to him, involved him in the decision-making process, instead of just making this unilateral decision and leaving him to pick up the pieces?
Satoru took a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing. “It’s fine, I’ll take care of Sachi,” he reassured, “I’ll take some time off work and have ‘Kemi help me out.”
He looked back at Ian, his eyes pleading for further details, for answers, for some semblance of clarity in the midst of this emotional turmoil.
Yet none of it was given.
And so, would it still be wrong to assume that he could now completely forget about you? That this opportunity to be with Sachiro would allow him a chance to share it with someone else? If you spent three years of your life playing house in New York with Toji, would it still be unfair for Satoru to do the same with Akemi?
plss make more like 'double down' for denji its so nasty i love it
Maybe one day 🥰 gross and nasty is my true love but they (motivation and creativity) have kinda left me hanging for awhile. I'm waiting for a nice creative spark to get myself going again. I'm hoping soon bc I couldn't even begin tell you how many half written projects I've got going lol.
In light of this post, I think it’s time to discuss some very serious issues concerning dark content as well as what it can be a byproduct of.
Trigger Warnings: mentions of p*dophilia, EDs, SH, s*icide, mental illness. Read at your own risk and with an open mind.
TL;DR: Dark Content should not be cut up into more digestible pieces or used as morality fodder. People partake in DC for different reasons. Tag fiction appropriately, block and curate your own online experience. Stop using inflammatory verbiage to rally your attack against someone when there are real life consequences to the words that you use.
In the original post, dark content is described as “a fantastic tool for exploring taboos and emotions or experiences that aren’t often talked about openly” and that it “creates what is essentially a safe space for exploring things that are not typically done or seen in the real world, with the knowledge that writing or engaging with it does not necessarily mean condoning it”.
From this excerpt, OP understands the use, consumption, and creation of dark content and then blatantly accuses their target of being a p*dophile. “He is a p*dophile.” is one of the several direct quotes. I don’t understand how someone could post all of this “evidence” followed by that paragraph. This contradicts their sensationalized and polarizing arguments, but offers a way for the reader to compartmentalize the topics of DC into “good” and “bad”.
When speaking about dark content, especially with accusations as serious as these, language matters. And the language used in this post (pedophile, CP, groomer) is at best egregious and at worst intentional.
Let me be clear, works of fiction are not CP/CSAM. Calling works of fiction CP misconstrues the meaning of the term. One is a drawing, and one is a crime innacted on a child. Viewing this kind of artwork would be incredibly triggering for me, and if something like this came across my dash I would recoil and block the poster immediately. But there is not a child being abused here, and conflating the two is a dangerous game.
This is a good time to bring up a disorder that not many know about or are comfortable talking about. Does the accused creator suffer from it? I can’t say. But in a discussion like this, it’s worth mentioning to prove that not everybody with these thoughts is actually a predator.
POCD (p*dophilic obsessive-compulsive disorder) is defined as “a form of OCD involving an obsessive fear of being or becoming a pedophile. This type of OCD combines several common types of compulsions, including the fear of: acting violently against vulnerable people (harm OCD), being attracted to an inappropriate or wrong type of person (sexual orientation OCD or relationship OCD), breaking society’s moral codes (moral scrupulosity)” (Psych Central)
This isn’t something commonly talked about for obvious reasons. As someone who lives with POCD, let me start off by saying it is disturbing for us. It is gut-wrenching. Most of all, it is frightening.
You can read about it in articles, I’m sure, but I also want to give a firsthand look at what it can be like, just a tiny look into the cycle of thoughts one might have.
“You wanna fuck that kid.”
“Ew fuck what is wrong with you?”
“What would happen if you just went in there and touched his penis?”
“Oh god what if I actually do that?”
“I’m an awful person! Only an awful person would have that thought.”
“But I don’t actually want to do it. I would never.”
“But what if you did, though?”
“You should probably never leave your house again. Never be around kids. Just in case you touch them.”
“I don’t want to touch them, though!”
“But you had the thought, so you probably do on some level.”
And so on and so forth. This kind of thinking often leads to agoraphobia, s*icidal ideation, and/or attempted/completed s*icude.
Fictional characters are fictional characters. In this case they are literal lines on a screen or page. Nobody is getting hurt here, but someone could be coping with a condition. Someone could be reclaiming themselves and their own trauma. Someone could have been finding a safe place for themselves only for it to be ripped away.
Should topics that involve sexualizing minors be discussed between adults and minors? Not in a way that’s anything less than informative (telling them to know what to look for, etc.). Sharing creative works with one another could potentially fall under the ‘grooming’ category. But simply being friends with a minor does not mean you want to have sex with or hurt them. And finding a single example of someone having a minor in their following list is not indicative of a pattern of behavior.
Even if you have the fleeting, intrusive thought, doesn’t mean you want to take advantage of them. That is important for me to remind myself of every day, and is important for everyone else to hear too.
Do you know what the worst thing you can say to someone who has POCD? “You’re a p*dophile.” That would send me spiraling even further than I already do. Because the condition itself is a spiral—of self-loathing and disgust and helplessness. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I actually a bad person?
No. Because I know I would never act on any of it. I do what I can to remind myself that these thoughts are not actually who I am. But if someone or many someones came to me and told me relentlessly that I was a horrible monster, there would be doubt and depression and anger.
Let’s put it in slightly different terms that might be easier to understand; most people have had dreams or intrusive thoughts about having sex with a parent or sibling. It’s not something we actually want to act on, and we’re disturbed by the idea. That said, there is plenty of dark content on this website and others involving parental and sibling inc*st.
While I understand why one is more acceptable to depict between fictional characters, neither are acceptable in real life. They are both seen as taboo (and for good reason). However, neither are unsafe when it comes to fanart/fan fiction most of the time.
Can this sometimes be a predecessor to assault? Sure, but that’s usually not the case. Typically, if a creative outlet/fantasy progresses to something more serious, there are other troubling habits and behaviors that go along with it.
This post is not so much to defend the user mentioned in the original call-out post as much as it is to educate everyone on a very delicate subject. People want to say it’s entirely black and white when it isn’t. We all know assaulting a child—assaulting anyone—in any way is wrong. But this is fiction. This is not real. Nobody has been hurt, and nobody can say with 100% confidence that someone will end up physically harmed by this individual.
I understand wanting to warn people about predatory behavior, but an entire call-out post? These online spaces could have been the only outlet they had, a way to express themselves and work on their trauma. Instead they have been shamed over and over in the comments.
We don’t know everything this user has gone through. We don’t know what they’re projecting onto these—once again—fictional characters.
I assume the post was likely coming from a good place and not made simply to incite drama. But reading it and all the comments is so incredibly disheartening. Subjects like this result in knee-jerk reactions. Your instinct is to condemn, but have you thought further into the issue? Have you thought about the ‘why’? Have you thought about the kids in the world who aren’t getting hurt and exploited because there are resources to help people with these behaviors? Fanfiction and art can be one of those resources.
Or it could have been. Everyone is so worried about policing other people’s content that nowhere is safe anymore.
Bringing up the topics of sexualizing ED or SH within this post is quite frankly insane to me. But it is also concerning to me that the line between “good” and “bad” DC is blurring even further. As long as it is tagged appropriately (which every example of DC from the targeted blog has) who is to tell anyone that they cannot write/engage/view content about topics so profoundly personal? Having an ED, a history of SH, or any other mental health crisis is something that so many people hide. You’ve taken a person’s potential coping mechanisms and turned them into a morality debate.
Who cares if someone is writing/reading about SH or ED? Why does it matter to *you* if they are consuming this type of fiction? This same sentiment can be extended upwards as well, but pointing out someone’s interest in a topic you might not like after accusing them of p*dophilia? This accusation appears to be extending past “informative” and is veering into a personal attack.
I have been struggling with the intent vs impact of this post. The cynical part of me worries that this post is intended to attack, even if OP claims the opposite. Ultimately, intent matters less than impact. The impact of this is disastrous for one person accused, and another person OP dragged into the conversation by name for no reason other than that they were friends. The impact will reverberate far past two individuals, as I am sure OP is aware, and the idea of DC content as a moral failing will continue. It is not a moral failing, and, to quote OPs own words once again, “creates what is essentially a safe space for exploring things that are not typically done or seen in the real world, with the knowledge that writing or engaging with it does not necessarily mean condoning it.”
tw: mentions of pedophilia, sexual assault, rape, incest, self harm, eating disorders (dark content as a whole)
okay i have left this app but i do still hear through the grapevine about things that go on here from friends that i still talk to and. yeah. i highly suggest reading the original post, but i just had to weigh in on this topic because honestly as a csa victim myself, it’s increasingly difficult watching people make such heavy statements without ever understanding what it’s actually like being a victim/knowing an actual pedophile in real life.
the content ezra was engaging in must’ve disturbed a lot of you. me too, honestly. but i don’t think some of you are realizing just how serious of an accusation you’re making based on ART of all things—some victims (like myself) have to go the rest of our lives seeing the people that have assaulted us while having to pretend nothing happened. “they’re family.” “they would never.” “you were young you didn’t understand what happened.” “you’re hearing terms on the internet and applying it to blurred memories.” “you want attention.” “you don’t like __ and you want to punish them.” that’s the kind of stuff i’ve had to hear. but all while that’s being said, i’ve also had to hear “put on a shirt that covers more. __ is coming over.” “don’t sit in that position it’s provocative.” “that shows too much skin you’ll make people’s eyes wander.” no eight year old should have to consider let alone hear those things. but that’s the reality of predators—there are signs and behavioral patterns that you can see and acknowledge (or in my case, have people refuse to acknowledge). and a lot of times, they’re things that are a swept under the rug. not always—sometimes the most unexpected of people turn out to be vile, but again, you have to see for yourself with your own two eyes, someone clearly harm a real person to make this claim.
and of course, i can’t speak for ALL cases but i can certainly speak for my own. i’m sure some csa victims have felt strongly about shota content and its implications, but again, it is not logical to assign someone a heavy and irreversible claim based on fictional content. and it’s deeply troubling and unsettling that in this specific case, the clear signs that you have to witness in real time, in person, and in an actual face to face setting to actually know if someone is a pedophile have never been brought to light or proven, but art is apparently the only proof we need to label someone as heavy as that. perhaps user saintsugu DOES exhibit these tendencies in real life. perhaps they don’t. the point is you DONT know that yourself. you’ve never met this person. and while i am personally deeply disturbed by the art depicted, i can tell you firsthand that art is never, and will never, be enough to soundly prove someone is a pedophile. victims in real time who have solid proof (like i did) are often times told it’s not enough to even make people around them take them seriously. yet here multiple people are, fiercely labeling someone as something many of us have fought our whole lives to try and do. and it’s based on pixels. it’s a slap to the face to a lot of victims. it’s deeply disturbing that some of you have never witnessed or experienced anything close to csa and are loudly speaking over voices of individuals with personal experience. there are people on here who work with cases like these who are telling you that these reports with fiction and art are not valid, that sending reports in will take away from resources for REAL cases, and waste the time of those who can actually help children, and you all refuse to listen. when people have first hand experience and are telling you terms and facts and statistics that are proven, your first response should not be to argue back based on your personal emotions and feelings. your response should be to listen and understand the reality of these situations, what it takes to have a basis to a claim, and how in reality you can go about investigating/handling that.
most of you are not listening. not to real victims. not to real people with experience in working with cases about this. not to anyone but your own feelings and understandings and that’s very concerning.
dark content is always going to be dark. whether it’s depicting children being sexually assaulted, whether it’s being adults being sexually assaulted, whether it’s depicting self harm or eating disorders or incest or stepcest or whatever you can think of, it is DARK CONTENT. it is not acceptable in real life and most of us who participate in consuming/creating this content are aware of that. some people are not—some of these people partake in these situations in real life too, but you will never be able to use their fictional content to weed these people out and use their fictional content as proof of their real life activities. i can never, and would never, accuse anyone of incest or rape based on the incest and noncon fics they read or write. just because certain dark content is more digestible for YOU does not mean that you can draw the line for what’s morally correct regarding dark content. otherwise a lot of people would be drawing a lot of lines and none of us would be agreeing. it’s the age old argument of if you cannot handle it, you must curate this experience you have online for yourself.
fictional content and its creation/consumption is NEVER enough to make accusations about a persons activities in real life. some of you are only in agreement with this sentiment when it’s of convenience to you and the dark content you personally are comfortable creating and consuming. you do not get to draw the line of where it’s too much and where you can comfortably blur fictional interest bleeding into real life activities. otherwise, people have the right to make those assumptions about YOU and your own content, and i have a feeling a lot of you won’t enjoy being labeled as rapists or being accused of wanting to fuck your siblings.
and you should not have to be labeled or accused of those things. dark content is a way to fictionally explore topics without harming ANYONE. whether it’s for processing trauma, exploring darker topics for the purpose of a story, exploring for the purpose of pure curiosity, dark content will never harm an individual in real life so long as it’s appropriately tagged and warned.
there is a hypocritical aspect of labeling some dark content more acceptable than others—ultimately what some of you are inadvertently hinting at is that content like noncon and incest is on some moral hierarchy over pedophilia. i would never insinuate that a rape victim or incest victim has to count their blessings that at least they weren’t a pedophilia victim. i would argue they are all TERRIBLE things to happen to individuals on their own scales, and one does not outweigh the other. you cannot accept some dark content topics over others. it’s either a yes to dark content as a whole or a no—and a yes includes ALL topics. sure, some will disturb you more than others, and yes, some is far more difficult to stomach based on your personal emotions. that’s normal—depictions of these topics are supposed to make you feel that way if you do have a proper moral compass. but like i said, there is no scale to one thing being more acceptable than others, or that is very harmful to victims of all kinds of situations across the board.
my main point is not to defend ezra. i don’t know him nor do i care to know him. my main point is to shed light on how harmful many of you are being on a topic that is very serious and personal to a lot of people on here. some of you will never understand the deep horror and sickening feeling of pleading and pleading for people to see with their own two eyes what’s right there before them. yet somehow, an entire app’s worth of people are dropping everything to confidently label someone as something without spending so much as one minute with them. it’s disrespectful to so many victims to see something like art be the deciding factor of this when the hardcore evidence we might have will never be enough.
beyond that, you simply cannot prove pedophilia based on art. your emotions might tell you that someone engaging in this HAS to mean they find sexual gratification in it, but your emotions prove nothing. you simply do not KNOW that because you have not witnessed a real child be harmed by this individual. personal emotions and drawn conclusions based on them are not strong enough foundations to prove an accusation this heavy, and instead of wasting your time and energy into sending someone (and MANY other people too) that you have never met such vile and hateful speech, why don’t you educate yourself on the subject. really. by firstly starting on knowing what all the terms mean. by looking into the behaviors and traits and patterns. by looking into the statistics. by looking at what you can do to help children actually in this horrible situation. why don’t you see how you can properly give real children a voice and put an ounce of energy into HELPING people instead of graphically sending threats behind an anonymous button as if that will help anyone? the answer is because instead of caring about the OUTCOME of a real and horrific issue, you all value taking justice into your own hands based on your own rules and doing what you please over an issue you have personally deemed more important than others. and that solution consists of harassing individuals you’ve got zero REAL proof of deserving harassment. and by real proof, i mean proof that would stand in a courtroom. i think some of you have deviated so far from reality and the real world here in your online bubble, that you are genuinely unaware of what constitutes as real proof that would strongly support the claim you have made in the real world.
it’s gross. and like i said, it’s disrespectful to victims who have to face the trauma and reality of this stuff in real time. people who still struggle with processing what’s been done to them and know there will never be justice or even one person who believes them. people who don’t even realize what’s been done to them and don’t realize they’re victims. people who are currently in this situation and have no out. what a lot of you have made abundantly clear is that you don’t actually care about THOSE people, but your own personal feelings of disgust and discomfort based on the idea of their realities. you have effectively made a spectacle out of a topic, and you have done so in a manner that prioritizes your OWN feelings rather than the ones of those who are actually involved in a situation relating to this, and the actual measures needed to handle a situation of this degree.
and one last thing—call out posts and witch hunt behavior on tumblr has become increasingly normalized. regardless of your opinions of me, or others on this app, one thing that’s for certain is that a lot of you are becoming very complacent with driving off people and harassment of all kinds be normalized across this app. harassing innocent people for simply knowing others. harassing people for not speaking up on matters they don’t feel comfortable bringing up. harassing people for accusations given from people under reblog tags with zero evidence. harassing people because a blank, burner blog has popped up and claimed something as true just because they said so. with every new call out post and public discourse that is brought onto dash, more and more people are dragged in despite being uninvolved because people MAKE them involved. these call out posts might tell you it’s to bring to light something that’s actually important and should have light shed onto it, but that’s simply what they tell you to justify the outcome they know will occur. and that’s the snowball of public backlash, harassment, and added rumors. people who make public discourse posts know that the public opinion can be weaponized to compromise an individual of having any semblance of sanity on their own curated space. instead of taking matters into a private and confrontational manner to solve an issue they feel needs to be addressed, they choose to weaponize the fact that people WILL harass and send hate and create burner blogs to completely drive someone off. and i speak as someone from clear experience. if these call out posts were actually well intended, then things like my personal relationship and life wouldn’t be brought in as a source of clownery. things like who you’re friends with wouldn’t be brought up because everyone is well aware that said friend will also become a target to the viciousness. things like rumors that have zero basis apart from “i heard…” wouldn’t be thrown in. that’s what’s happening here, and that’s what happened to me, and that’s what happened to multiple other people.
you are all fostering an age of tumblr that steps outside of subtle subposts, petty drama, and gossip within circles. you are stepping out of an age where matters were privately handled. you are stepping into an age where people who have never met, talked, or interacted with a person can come on here, simply reblog a post, and add fuels to flames that completely take away someone’s space away in a community—and not only that, but you are giving space for people to harass other innocent individuals who have no part in it for simply knowing or interacting with someone, or not taking a stance and speaking up on the matter because you think they should. for now, you might think you’ve had the last laugh because people you dislike are leaving/being forced to leave. to you, that’s beyond your problem. but sooner or later, people you care about can also become potential targets. or even yourself. there are things like doxxing becoming even more normalized. private and sensitive messages being leaked. personal and private matters being shared. it’s very interesting to see the degree of cruelty that gets justified for the sake of bringing someone you have deemed guilty of something to “justice.” it’s interesting to see vicious and dehumanizing behavior be laughed off because you collectively dislike one person. things that no person should have to see said about themselves publicly on other people’s blogs are everywhere. people who have never spoken to the individuals under hot water are applauded for talking ill about those people. things that should not bleed into other individuals inboxes even when they specifically ask not to be dragged in are forced into their spaces. it’s exceptionally concerning that some of you have taken to share your grievances in a public manner knowing the consequences of them instead of attempting to privately handle the matter first. and it’s even more concerning that you are all becoming more and more involved in allowing it to happen.
more and more of your favorite writers and moots will continue to leave this app because of the hostility you are all enabling. it will get out of hand eventually. a lot of you don’t like me and will probably take this as something i’m saying out of pity for myself—but i have long let go of tumblr and my hobby of writing as a whole. i’m simply trying to show you the long term consequences of a certain trend that seems to be rapidly growing.
BUT. that’s not the important matter. the IMPORTANT matter is that pedophilia accusations are not something that you can take lightly. they are not something you can prove with whatever proof @/usersanon has provided. claims like this require real individuals to be harmed/be in potential harm to have substance to them, or an actual set of observed behaviors you have seen in REAL life, consisting of things that are outside of FICTIONAL characters.
some of you will disagree. and you will choose not to think critically about this matter, but that’s not my concern. my concern is to actually protect the peace of mind of victims such as myself, and to educate people on how to properly use the resources dedicated to protecting those that have gone through what we have. you are all not doing the favor that you think you’re doing to children or past victims of csa.
Please know that I come back to your “Seal it with a kiss” fic at least once a month. Your writing is beautiful & that fic was a cultural reset for the chainsaw man community 🙏🏽
:face_holding_back_tears: (my emojis never show up T-T)
the fact that even one person finds my Kishibe so influential makes every second writing it worth it. ive had a rough go of trying to write lately and im sending blessings to every corner of the earth in hopes that it'll reach you cause i really needed to hear this <3
How you got a minors dni warning, while literally making fanfics about minors? Itadoris 15.. you’re in your 20s. I’ll never understand this mindset smh
And yet you still somehow found and read the post smh. You walked into the x reader tags, what by accident? Doubtful. Wonder what your internet history looks like lol.
Have I mentioned to you guys that I can't stop thinking about the family that @knchins gave me? My two little boys with husband!Juishiro and ex!Aiku. I had a dream about them last night and it was so cozy
Okay but back when I could afford a therapy my psychiatrist asked if I had written any fanfiction or planned any out in my head, and I was "nah, not really." And she nodded and looked down at her notes and was like "so how do you feel about possibly trying Zoloft?"
I started laughing and she was like "I know it sounds funny but it's been six months without you engaging in your favorite hobby and that's a sign the depression is getting to a point where we might why try some treatments with meds in addition to therapy."
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