ran a 10 minute mile on the treadmill which i haven’t done since high school probably and my thighs were chafing the whole time and i was sooo brave about it
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ran a 10 minute mile on the treadmill which i haven’t done since high school probably and my thighs were chafing the whole time and i was sooo brave about it
“i’m not too worried about your weight but let’s do some blood work just in case” i have gained ten pounds over the course of two years during which i experienced several major life changes and am now, not that you asked, happier and healthier than i have literally ever been. but sure.
came to the realization the other day that in terms of my weight my options are eating disorder, ozempic, or being kinda fat. that’s it. so i’m picking the last one.
dont cut your nose off to spite your face or whateve. fuck off i’m gonna relapse on purpose to spite my doctor
does she know i read this and imagine it’s us? well, obviously not, how could she, but still. the i-love-you-s and the nonsexual intimacy and the touching at any excuse. “i wish we’d met as kids” well, we did, here we are. girlfriends and boyfriends who are never each other and really having no reason not to cross the line. deep talks and drugs and entanglement and people thinking we’re together and you and i both love too deeply, we are both so different from everyone else. we are stars, in that way. we are equals, even when we’re not. i miss you i love you i will always have you forever
had a dream where i sucked ****** *******’s dick and i was conscuously aware that we weren’t attracted to each other but it happened because 1) imagine being able to say you did that. like that alone is worth it to me idc. 2) he was like yeah this is just what i do with my buddies like it was all very normal. (i think ****** ********* was in the corner just watching and not even getting off on it we were just hanging and that was the activity.) 3) lowkey it was fun. oral fixation ftw. 4) i trusted him like i felt safe enough to do it and i kinda always wanted to try it anyway.
like i really cannot stress enough that the dick sucking happened with all the intensity of two friends playing a card game while a third friend isn’t really into the game so they’re just kinda hanging in the corner. probably wouldnt be super fun for me irl but thats what dreams are for
told my irl friend about this and she said oh so in the dream you’re bi? i said no in the dream i was given an opportunity and i took it
had a dream where i sucked ****** *******’s dick and i was conscuously aware that we weren’t attracted to each other but it happened because 1) imagine being able to say you did that. like that alone is worth it to me idc. 2) he was like yeah this is just what i do with my buddies like it was all very normal. (i think ****** ********* was in the corner just watching and not even getting off on it we were just hanging and that was the activity.) 3) lowkey it was fun. oral fixation ftw. 4) i trusted him like i felt safe enough to do it and i kinda always wanted to try it anyway.
like i really cannot stress enough that the dick sucking happened with all the intensity of two friends playing a card game while a third friend isn’t really into the game so they’re just kinda hanging in the corner. probably wouldnt be super fun for me irl but thats what dreams are for
had a dream where i sucked ****** *******’s dick and i was conscuously aware that we weren’t attracted to each other but it happened because 1) imagine being able to say you did that. like that alone is worth it to me idc. 2) he was like yeah this is just what i do with my buddies like it was all very normal. (i think ****** ********* was in the corner just watching and not even getting off on it we were just hanging and that was the activity.) 3) lowkey it was fun. oral fixation ftw. 4) i trusted him like i felt safe enough to do it and i kinda always wanted to try it anyway.
and another thing i cant post on my main because of my one irl but in middle school i wrote about a girl who was suicidal and it seemed like she was being bullied but it was actually just her coping with her depression by envisioning her bad thoughts as some sort of evil alter ego and eventually she attempted suicide and no one like. thought to check on me. there was an entire adult teacher who knew about this and no one ever said hey this isn’t normal. and also there was a sideplot where her gay best friend was hatecrimed.
hold on this needs to go on my sideblog i don't like talking about my weird freaky fanfiction thoughts on my main. section break bc im tired of scrolling
okay so i'm really curious how other people see fanon vs canon when it comes to headcanons that actually align very well with canon and are not that much of an extrapolation (like expanding on previously established relationships), vs. things that do make sense with the characters but would never actually happen in canon (like sex things that they would definitely find hot but wouldn't actually want to do in their real lives). and so i'm curious when i see those things if the people behind them think it's actually in line with canon and we just disagree, or if they're intentionally moving just outside of canon? personally i think the fun is in pushing the boundaries so here are my thoughts on various hollanov things i've seen lately and how canon compliant they are in my (always correct) opinion and also i'm a shanegirl (is that a thing? i'm making it a thing) so these might be mostly shane centric
shane inventing free use out of his own beautiful freaky mind: yes BUT only during the off-season. my favorite takes on this are where ilya simply has a higher sex drive than shane and shane comes to the very logical conclusion of okay well even if i'm not horny right now you can still use me. ilya's instinct during sex is always to take care of shane so it takes some convincing that yes, shane actually wants this and even though he isn't really getting anything out of it sexually, he gets to make his husband feel good and that's more than enough for him.
threesomes: absolutely not, and actually i think ilya is the one who really wouldn't want one. shane is indifferent in the sense that if ilya really wanted it, he'd do it, i think he's the type of guy to try anything once and they certainly trust each other enough. but you cannot convince me that ilya would be able to watch anyone other than him touching shane without exploding into a million balls of fire, let alone get off on it
cnc: YES!! shane loves to say no stop etc and not mean it and it's literally playtime for him. the first time they do it ilya freaks out a little but then he sees shane's contented face going yay!! yippee!! that was so fun!! and relaxes. ilya loves the way shane trusts him and shane loves to give someone else the reins for a little while.
shane not knowing what kinks are: i actually can't decide on this one. on the one hand he would definitely meticulously research everything they tried to make sure they're Doing It Right but on the other hand he would definitely just assume everything they do is just normal sex. honestly it probably depends on the specific thing.
okay lighting round!
choking: hot in theory but they're too wary of actually hurting each other. grabbing by the throat is cool but never enough to actually stop the airflow.
dom/sub dynamics in general: THEY ARE SWITCHESSS i will scream it from the rooftops!!
cnc with shane being actually drugged/manipulated/etc: again, hot in theory, but shane hollander is not letting anyone put unknown substances into his body or actually like take away his free will. could be a fun roleplay though i could see that.
i do think though that shane has all these ideas and things he thinks would be fun but then sometimes he freaks too close to the sun and actually pushes himself too far, not even for ilya's sake but for his own, like he wants to prove to himself he can do it (haven't decided what it is) but he can't and he's failed and it becomes this really tender moment and ilya of course takes care of him and of course feels guilty and makes shane promise to say something next time
and ANOTHER thing. or two. or three
feminization: no. sorry but there’s absolutely no way. i think shane would start comparing himself to ilya’s many female hookups and ilya has no desire to treat shane like a girl (yes ik thats not how kinks work but i think that’s how ilya would see it). shane already has a very complex relationship with masculinity (see: being gay being asian being kind of seen as a prude) and i dont think he wants to bring it into the bedroom.
degradation: another hard no imo. my opinions on this are summed up very well by this one line in the beginning of a fic (wolfbird, side note its so worth the hype AND even if it never gets finished it is still so worth the read, what a gorgeous fic) where ilya asks shane if he wants to be degraded and when shane says no ilya says good bc you’re perfect and i don’t wanna lie to you. ilya likes to be mean but with actions not words
shane casually dropping the freakiest shit ilya has ever heard as if he’s just asking ilya what he wants for dinner: YES!!!! even if he knows what kinks are i think shane still thinks their sex is the most normal thing in the world to him
idk how to label this succinctly but i think shane can go without sex/jerking off pretty easily once he sets his mind to it. ilya challenges him in this regard and immediately regrets it
can’t be horny on main so we do it on the sideblog….i would fuck my clone!! actually i would like to be fucked BY my clone. ideally my clone is like a sexier cooler more confident version of me. do you see where i’m going with this. do you want to guess my ao3 history.
me about my male celebrity crush: okay so he’s in a relationship but i guess this is all hypothetical anyway so we can assume in this hypothetical he’s single. but he’s famous so i’d be like a groupie, that’s a really weird power dynamic i don’t want that. what if he wasn’t famous? well it’s not like i know him as a person, like i know the carefully crafted media-approved persona he’s not like. my bro. who knows what he’s like in real life? so that’s not a good way to judge-
me about zendaya: no questions asked i would fuck her. tom can watch if that’s what she needs.
on second thought i would suck his dick. i dont think i would be very horny about it though. i think it would be like giving a foot massage but instead of foot its dick. also it would be reverent like a weird religious thing. if that makes me a bad lesbian idc
found out my ex of THREE YEARS AGO resents me bc she’s now out as ace and resents the fact that people know we had sex. girl 1) it was 3 years ago 3 FUCKING YEARS 2) its not like i was shouting from the rooftops. tweeting about it. i told a few close friends (because i’d literally never had sex before!!! it was a big deal!! to me!!) and if people put two and two together because they know we dated and assume we had sex i can’t help that but frankly!! not even that many people know we dated!! considering how long ago it was!!! and 3) YOU FUCKING INITIATED EVERY TIME like. genuinely i am sorry if you felt pressured or were uncomfortable because that fucking sucks. but if you didn’t want to do the things that YOU suggested i had no way of knowing that!!! dont make me out to be a fucking predator!! ugh
me about my male celebrity crush: okay so he’s in a relationship but i guess this is all hypothetical anyway so we can assume in this hypothetical he’s single. but he’s famous so i’d be like a groupie, that’s a really weird power dynamic i don’t want that. what if he wasn’t famous? well it’s not like i know him as a person, like i know the carefully crafted media-approved persona he’s not like. my bro. who knows what he’s like in real life? so that’s not a good way to judge-
me about zendaya: no questions asked i would fuck her. tom can watch if that’s what she needs.
hold on this needs to go on my sideblog i don't like talking about my weird freaky fanfiction thoughts on my main. section break bc im tired of scrolling
okay so i'm really curious how other people see fanon vs canon when it comes to headcanons that actually align very well with canon and are not that much of an extrapolation (like expanding on previously established relationships), vs. things that do make sense with the characters but would never actually happen in canon (like sex things that they would definitely find hot but wouldn't actually want to do in their real lives). and so i'm curious when i see those things if the people behind them think it's actually in line with canon and we just disagree, or if they're intentionally moving just outside of canon? personally i think the fun is in pushing the boundaries so here are my thoughts on various hollanov things i've seen lately and how canon compliant they are in my (always correct) opinion and also i'm a shanegirl (is that a thing? i'm making it a thing) so these might be mostly shane centric
shane inventing free use out of his own beautiful freaky mind: yes BUT only during the off-season. my favorite takes on this are where ilya simply has a higher sex drive than shane and shane comes to the very logical conclusion of okay well even if i'm not horny right now you can still use me. ilya's instinct during sex is always to take care of shane so it takes some convincing that yes, shane actually wants this and even though he isn't really getting anything out of it sexually, he gets to make his husband feel good and that's more than enough for him.
threesomes: absolutely not, and actually i think ilya is the one who really wouldn't want one. shane is indifferent in the sense that if ilya really wanted it, he'd do it, i think he's the type of guy to try anything once and they certainly trust each other enough. but you cannot convince me that ilya would be able to watch anyone other than him touching shane without exploding into a million balls of fire, let alone get off on it
cnc: YES!! shane loves to say no stop etc and not mean it and it's literally playtime for him. the first time they do it ilya freaks out a little but then he sees shane's contented face going yay!! yippee!! that was so fun!! and relaxes. ilya loves the way shane trusts him and shane loves to give someone else the reins for a little while.
shane not knowing what kinks are: i actually can't decide on this one. on the one hand he would definitely meticulously research everything they tried to make sure they're Doing It Right but on the other hand he would definitely just assume everything they do is just normal sex. honestly it probably depends on the specific thing.
okay lighting round!
choking: hot in theory but they're too wary of actually hurting each other. grabbing by the throat is cool but never enough to actually stop the airflow.
dom/sub dynamics in general: THEY ARE SWITCHESSS i will scream it from the rooftops!!
cnc with shane being actually drugged/manipulated/etc: again, hot in theory, but shane hollander is not letting anyone put unknown substances into his body or actually like take away his free will. could be a fun roleplay though i could see that.
i do think though that shane has all these ideas and things he thinks would be fun but then sometimes he freaks too close to the sun and actually pushes himself too far, not even for ilya's sake but for his own, like he wants to prove to himself he can do it (haven't decided what it is) but he can't and he's failed and it becomes this really tender moment and ilya of course takes care of him and of course feels guilty and makes shane promise to say something next time
i’m screaming and crying you cannot do this to me!!!! you cannot!!! i can’t even post on my fucking main about it!!!!!!
you text me and i am reading and everyone close to me knows what i’m reading and you do not because you are no longer close to me. you are a million and one miles away. you are decades away. i think you have been since 2019 when my grief was too big and left no room for yours. but i was always like this. i have never known a you without grief and you have never known a me that wasn’t and open wound. and now you don’t know me at all. you dont know me you dont know me you dont know me im throwing up
im feeling really fragile i forgot to take my meds and i cried a lot yesterday and felt like i ruined my last day of vacation and spent my three-hour flight reading about out terrible unspeakable things happening to people i relate to. and when i was upset in the wee hours of yesterday morning i read about the same person being comforted and held as if it were me. and i have five hours in this airport to wonder what you sent me and cry and feel that shaky ache in my knees and i could just take my meds and feel better but part of me wants to feel the pain. the part of me that wants, always, the part of me that seems to do nothing but want. the part of me that’s fixed, somehow, by an actor on tv or winning $10 on blackjack and i want and i dont know what for
i’m screaming and crying you cannot do this to me!!!! you cannot!!! i can’t even post on my fucking main about it!!!!!!
you text me and i am reading and everyone close to me knows what i’m reading and you do not because you are no longer close to me. you are a million and one miles away. you are decades away. i think you have been since 2019 when my grief was too big and left no room for yours. but i was always like this. i have never known a you without grief and you have never known a me that wasn’t and open wound. and now you don’t know me at all. you dont know me you dont know me you dont know me im throwing up