Just a Wandering Ghost

an over-chewer of gum. a lover of one piece. karaoke enthusiast. she/her

[saadiasqueaks]

I wish I could walk

[seekelsey]

[saadiasqueaks]

You don’t really care you just don’t want me to be mad anymore lol

[saadiasqueaks]

Family members are texting me more than usual. Friends I barely speak to reaching out. Niggas I’m not involved with anymore trying to talk to me. Number of stalkers went up. Wish I was as invisible as I feel.

[saadiasqueaks]

I don’t want to think or feel or even exist. I want to disappear completely with no trace. Not even a memory.

[saadiasqueaks]

Something in my head snapped. I’m not myself at all.

[saadiasqueaks]

“I know what you’re trying to do” then please enlighten me nigga because it’s definitely not you

[saadiasqueaks]

Your friends know me better than you do

[saadiasqueaks]

Still feels like I’m just entertainment.

So why do I still want to entertain?

[saadiasqueaks]

Your priorities are elsewhere, so why bother? Come find me when you’re ready to be present.

[saadiasqueaks]

I hate an “if you want” ass person

[saadiasqueaks]

I really need to be held soon or I’m just gonna drink bleach. I’ve already exhausted all efforts. I’m done with this life shit fr. Got some shit I gotta take care of, then I’m out.

[saadiasqueaks]

I wish I was dead lol

[saadiasqueaks]

I don’t want to feel like a burden or an obligation. I don’t want to feel like an object. I want to feel like people want to be in my life. Not that people need to or feel they have to, but that they genuinely want to be here. I want to feel lovable. I want to feel like I matter as a real person. As long as I feel rejected, I am incapable of feeling those things from anyone. That’s just how it is until it isn’t. I don’t know how else to explain it, and even if I could explain it better, I don’t think anyone would get it.

[saadiasqueaks]

I have something I need to express, but I don’t want it to fall on deaf ears, and I know it will. Nobody will understand, and I just gotta live with it.

[saadiasqueaks]

I want a hug. A really good hug. The thing is I wanna do something really self destructive that I know is gonna make me feel worse in the long run, but would feel so good right now, and I’m trying to talk myself out of it. A hug would stop me. The right hug would keep me from being stupider than I already am. But I don’t have anyone to hug so the stupid is winning.

[saadiasqueaks]

I’m not the most comforting person. Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it. I’ll listen, but I always ruin it by trying to make them laugh or asking too many questions. I didn’t get that comforting gene. I was never comforted. I can’t even self soothe. I know how to buy things, and I know how to distract myself, but those are temporary solutions, and they’re not the most effective. I’m afraid I’ll be a bad mother if I ever have kids because I just can’t console effectively. I think I want to be a mom, but I’d probably just fuck that up too, so that might not be in the cards. Maybe I’ve been watching too much 30 Rock.