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notspecialjustcrazy

ruinedchildhood

theycallmethemoose:

fuckyeahprettybooks:

I am sorry for the non-book related post but its been 10 minutes and I am still laughing.

This is what Bella’s reaction should have been.

#OMG

this new trauma I experienced is starting to manifest in different ways on my psyche and my body.

I don’t like being scared.

tastefullyoffensive

opticallyaddicted

There is No Place: Paintings by Kibong Rhee

Ephemeral landscape paintings by Korean artist Kibong Rhee. He creates scenes from the natural world that are hazy and dreamlike by layering clear plexiglass on top of canvas. The idea of painting landscapes obscured by fog seems simple enough but his treatment encourages the viewer to look intently at the works. Using water as a primary element, Rhee believes that water, in all its forms, embodies life’s fleeting moments, existing somewhere between the spiritual and physical worlds. Faith is Torment

me: *sneezes*

mom: remember January 14th 2008 when i told you to bring a jacket

I remember a year ago when I was stuck in a confusing and emotionally taxing kind of relationship with someone that wanted all the best parts of me without offering up anything. I remember the heartache that kept me up at night sobbing asking why am I not good enough to experience all encompassing love and appreciation- why he didn’t want all of me. It’s been more than a year since I’ve seen him and I thought I’d spend most of the year yearning and pining after someone who was essentially using me and ringing me dry of all the emotional care I had to offer. I thought I wouldn’t be able to love anyone else but then I met someone not too soon after who has changed my life.

They have taught me how to love myself even when it’s so fucking hard. I’ve never been so supported until I met them. I have never put in so much work into a relationship until I met them and it’s not a burden it’s something I want to do because this relationship means so much to me. I don’t feel like i’m being swallowed into an endless cycle of co-dependency. I’m being nicer to myself and I owe it to them. I hope that I’m able to give them my best and reciprocate the same care and delicacy in making this work for the long term if they’ll have me for that long.

I’m letting go of the past with the people who took me for granted because I owe it to them to not let that part of me hinder the progression of our relationship.

I’ve never loved like this before but I’m happy.

#personal

I remember the last time I was in a place like this. It was 2 years ago and it was not good.

All those dreams and mock ups of what my future might look like are dissipating and being swallowed by this monster I can feel ravaging my head telling me “hey it’s over”.

I really don’t want it to be over but it’s hard when the motivation disappears and your depression forces you to swallow the words “i’m hurting and it won’t stop”.

stagnancy shouldn’t hurt this much.

Failure shouldn’t hurt this much.

I want this all to end. I want it to go away but i’m at a loss because the only way I know how is not the way I want to deal with this. I just want to live.

I wish I wasn’t a burden

debilitating depression is just so incredibly infuriating. I feel subdued. The lethargy feels like a ton of bricks pinning my body to my bed telling me to stay there until I rot. I feel it in my bones and I just want to carve out the pieces of my being infected with this disorder just to get some relief but it’s so hard when it’s in every fucking part of me.

#i hate this #i want to be normal #fuck everything #every day I hope and pray that I get hit by a car

Body dysmorphia has been ruining my life since 2006 and it’s basically like being in an abusive relationship with someone for 11 years.

#i'm so over it

willtime-deactivated20181102

*sees a dog*

me: holy shit

I keep peeling back layers of skin on my fingertips hoping that they won’t grow back hard and calloused- but they always do. I’ve always envied soft hands and the bodies attached to them. I wanted to be like them and their soft flesh that always respond to touch in a forgiving way. My hands always remain closed. They are always clenched with my nails digging into my palms because the sharp pain is a reminder that no matter how much I try I won’t ever be as soft and supple like I had always wanted to be. I keep the heat of my anger emanating from my palms contained by clenching my fists. It’ll still keep burning though.

I always find myself peeling the layers over and over again wondering when I’ll stop trying.

#personal

i feel like i’m slipping,

#and i'm scared #fuck you depression go away #bipolar disorder will kill me