恋 @sadgirlrisa - Tumblr Blog

disoriented

been traveling all over the place, hardly even home.

between Orlando, Los Angeles, Philly, and a long commute every day to work

It makes me feel like I don’t really have a place to call my own

Even the bedroom that my parents let me sleep in doesn’t feel like my own. It’s dark and gloomy with old furniture. Not the most welcoming environment.

On top of that, with any window I have that’s free, I spend it with Edwin. His place is too conveniently close to my office, but too far away from my parents home that I can’t reset. It’s like I have to pick between having a short commute with zero time to myself, or a long dreadful commute with a few short hours to myself.

So I literally feel drained and have had zero time for myself to get my shit together.

Just need to plow through this for 3 more weeks..........

Some how some way.........

BRO.

when he said

“i’m honored to get to know you”

and

“your music taste and your energy is exactly what I needed to remember why I fell in love with this music in the first place”

dat shit hit deep

Off

[rough draft of lyrics]

They say she’s invulnerable

She don’t feel any pain

She can let go of people

The way water falls off of the leaves

Do you see the deadness in her eyes?

As she stands still in the midst of a time lapse

Of people speeding in and out of her life

Turn it off

She learned how to turn her heart off

Been through so much shit that she can’t feel the pain no more

She can let anyone go in the blink of an eye

And not feel a thing

But the truth is she lost the ability to love

Even though she wants to feel it so badly

She wants to fall in love to deeply, like fire engulfing her soul

Noise of people around her

But she still feels alone

Took a shard to her hand

and felt nothing at all

Trained my heart to turn my emotions off

When it happens over and over it doesn’t even hurt any more - You grow numb

Can’t feel the pain anymore, but also lost sight of how to love

why do i miss someone that i don’t even know

mood: wanting to run away from everything and cry

my trust issues are so fucked

so here’s what happened with kevin

I know that in an earlier post, I was gushing all over this military man I met at Above and Beyond at Echostage and we had everything in common and I flew all the way to Kansas to see him and he treated me like a princess and took me on a helicopter plane ride and everything seemed perfect

Okay, so what exactly happened?

Not too many people knew this even happened. I can think of less than 5 people who I’ve told this story to in bits and pieces. But I always skim past the ending. So I kind of want to delve into the reasons why I made the decision to not be with him.

1. I was subtly pretending to be someone else

You see, I wasn’t intentionally trying to have a different personality or act like a different person around him. But I certainly wasn’t myself. You see: He was so perfect. A little too perfect. He was such a fucking good guy. And because of that, I wanted to be perfect. Or at least, I wanted him to think I was perfect and pure. When really, I’m a complete disaster who had sinned in all different types of areas. A part of me couldn’t be honest with him about those things. A part of me felt like he was too “pure” to know that side of me. In the every day phone calls til 2am that I had with him, I never opened up to him about the shit I’ve done. I didn’t want him to think I was less than perfect. And I didn’t know what he would say or how he would react. So I kept up this facade of the “perfect” girl. Not really pretending.... only letting him see one side of me.

2. All we could talk about was how much we liked each other

We would send each other ESSAYS and spend HOURS on the phone just adoring each other and telling each other all the things we love about one another. We would spend so much time on the phone over romanticizing all the few encounters that we had with each other. By few, I mean like two or three. And because we only had two or three encounters, we treasured the shit out of it. But other than talking about those few encounters...other than talking about how much we liked each other.... it was hard to carry a conversation.

3. Distance didn’t help

Distance was a huge barrier in getting to know him on a deeper level. Him being in the military put a halt in it all together. You would think with talking every day, we’d get to know each other. But our skype conversations got shorter and shorter to the point where we’d only talk for 10 minutes each night. And in the time he was gone away in training for two weeks, I didn’t realize I needed someone to be there for me in that time.

4. I only really liked the idea of him

I liked the romantic back story that we had of our relationship. I liked the idea of going to the wedding he invited me to all dressed up, him in his formal military attire. I thought he was extremely good looking. I fantasized the idea of traveling far distances to see each other. But at the end of the day, that shit ain’t practical when it comes to being in a committed relationship

so ya there you go that’s why i dropped ‘em

so here’s what happened with henry

I was writing this up to submit on emotional bag check but then realized it was too fucking long so i’m just gonna put it here

A couple of months ago, henry had broken up with me. I was completely devastated. I honestly believed he and I had a sturdy relationship. For once in my life, with the most practical mindset, I was certain that this was someone that I wanted to build a life with. The reason he had broken up with me was that 1) He was slowly falling out of love (but would still tell me that he loved me) and 2) He felt like he had lost himself and didn't know what he really wanted to do with his life. He didn't want to burden me with himself being lost, and wanted time to find himself. The break up came out of nowhere from my perspective, but I'm sure the thought was sitting with him for a while. Definitely lack of communication on his end. As we were broken up, he would tell me what he was uncertain about the break up and didn't feel like he made the right decision. He was going back and forth about breaking up, and kept telling me to give him another week or another few days. The uncertainty was driving me crazy.

A couple of weeks later, he surprises me at Katsucon by telling me he wants to get back together with me. I wasn't completely thrilled that we got back together, particularly because even though we were a couple again, it was evident he was keeping his distance from me. He was going out with his friends every single day and wasn't giving our relationship the proper chance to re-build again after being broken up. Next thing I know, he was hiding us on social media. He would un-tag himself when ever I posted a picture of us (it wouldn't even be exclusively just us two - it would be a group picture that he and I happened to be in it and he would remove the tag). Facebook showed me that he was hiding our pictures from specific people (I would see these settings because the pictures were posted through my profile so I could see the custom privacy settings). This lead me to think that if he's hiding things from these specific people....then he is most definitely hiding things from me too. At this point, I had reached petty mode and went on to his facebook account. Low and behold, he was hiding another girl from me. She was messaging him as I was checking his account. The whole entire time he had told me he was hanging out with other friends - it was her. The most prominent thought that came to my head was “I am way to old to deal with this shit. I’ve been through more than enough relationships to still be dealing with this.” Obviously, Henry and I need to talk.

In the most non-hostile manner, I told him to explain everything to me from the top. Everything. From the beginning. He told me that during the time that he and I were broken up, he was talking to this other girl. They had expressed interest in each other, but clearly it went nowhere. Nothing romantic, nothing intimate. When we got back together, he was still hanging out with this girl and would lie to me about who he was with. On the way back from that concert, he got into the car accident. She was in the car with him, and he lied to me about that too. He explained everything to me, and at the end of it all, he told me he wanted to be with me. I told him if that’s the case, then message the other girl right now, tell her everything, tell her that you and i got back together, and cut things off. He did so immediately, right in front of me.

Through all of this I recognize that while we were broken up, he wanted someone in his company. There was a void he needed to fill. She was essentially a rebound. But despite talking to this girl and having the opportunity to pursue something with her, he still made a deliberate choice to come back to me. I recognize his choice, I recognize the confusion that lead him to lie to both of us, and I recognize that what he had with the other girl was platonic. I chose to forgive him, and ever since, he has gone above and beyond to express that he loves me and wants to be in this relationship. The issue I'm having is that even though I had chosen to forgive him, I can't seem to get over the fact that he had lied to me and was interested in another girl. I still think strongly believe he is the right person for me and I eagerly want to make this relationship work. But everyday the betrayal and jealousy consumes me and I don't know how to get to the root of it. It seems like even though he strongly expresses that he loves me, it feels like it means nothing. I still can't move past this issue. What I need right now is someone to tell me if I'm making the right decision and what I should do to save myself.

#help

feeling lost

i really want someone to talk this through but I feel like everyone who I would ideally talk to isn’t here. everyone else would over simplify the situation. they’ll just tell me to end it. i can’t turn to the person who is the source of the problem. not sure if they can even provide what i need because i myself don’t know what i need.

i think through all of the things that i think will resolve the issue but keep feeling like it isn’t enough. receiving praise and an ego boost isn’t going to be enough. gestures of affection isn’t going to be enough. shit talking her and blocking her from our lives isn’t going to be enough. time isn’t going to be enough.

maybe i need an abundance of all those things at once. would that be asking too much?

i feel like i’ve lost something and i don’t know what it is. sometimes i think it’s a combination of a lot of little things. i’ve lost a little bit of trust, self esteem, ability to love, passion, real happiness. but at the same time, i don’t feel like i’ve lost those things either. it’s something else. something i can’t quite get a grasp of.

the only person i can truly talk to is myself. but I feel like that isn’t going to be enough to get me through this either

i’m in very dire need of a deep, thorough conversation that provides a shift in perspective.

but i don’t know who to turn to.

i’m so frightened that i’m never going to see past this

NOT TO BRING UP THE PAST BUUUUT

I gotta say, I’m actually really proud of myself in this moment. Found these texts while I was going through deleting screenshots. Wanted to take a minute to reflect on how I was then in relation to how I am now.

For context: This happened a little over a year ago. At this point, Randy and I had been broken up for a year but then started seeing each other again. We made it clear we didn’t want a relationship, everything was just casual. We were seeing each other pretty regularly, and at a certain point, I was feeling confident that we were going to get back together again. I drove up from Frederick to UMBC to hang out with Randy, thinking I’d stay the night. But he told me that he wanted to go over to a friend’s house and asked me to drop him off at their place. Randy told me I could still sleep over at his house if I didn’t want to drive back to Frederick, but he was going to sleep over at his friend’s house. When I asked him who it was, he said “Just someone I need to finish studying with because our exam is tomorrow and I’d rather just stay there and study.” I looked at him more intently with more intensity and asked again, “Who is it really.” And then he told me it was Shurti. A girl he had been telling me he was “just friends with” or “just saw as a friend” this whole time. I gave him benefit of the doubt, believed him, and didn’t think much of it. But at that moment, he was telling me he had been seeing her this whole time, they were interested in each other, and wanted to see where things would go. Basically, he had me come over to his house so that I could drive him to Shruti’s house.

In calmest, most sincere manner, I told him

“Randy.

...you are a douchebag.”

He didn’t say anything. He called and uber and left the house.

I obviously went home, and then sent him these texts

So the reason why I’m bringing up this situation again is not to dig up the past and sulk on it. Rather, I really want to take some time to look back and really reflect on how I was then and how it built me to be the person I am now. I’m really proud of myself in this situation for being firm in how I valued myself and understood what I deserved. I was not going to excuse this kind of behavior. I think this taught me how to really articulate the situation and how to command respect without using anger or force. I’m proud of myself for explaining the reasons in why I wanted to block him without being completely hostile. Because it left open a window to forgiveness. Sometimes approaching this kind of situation with boiling anger and bitterness will teach the other party a lesson of regret and not wanting to repeat these actions again out of fear and guilt. However, lately I’ve been practicing deep and real forgiveness. It’s tremendously hard to do because the initial instinct is anger and hostility, and that shit is really hard to fight off. Afterall, we’re only human, and we have every right to be upset at these types of situations. But if we can learn to fight this anger, come to true clarity about the situation, and learn to forgive... it will have a tremendously profound effect on our character. When you learn to forgive, your life clears itself of the muggy and negative feelings that have been lingering in your life. When you forgive, you let go completely and reach a new form of freedom in your mind. When you learn to forgive, it becomes so much easier to be happy.

I recently faced with a situation that almost echoed this one, I was swallowed up in so much anger and nearly sunk into an emotional hole. But the MOMENT I caught myself sinking, I instinctually snapped myself out of it. I literally took both of my hands and snapped them. At that moment, my mind cleared for a second. I then proceeded to deeply breathe in order to control my anxiety. When my emotions were steady, but only by a string, the first thing I said to myself was “Forgive.”

have some mother. fuckin. confidence.

i literally don’t understand why you have to "slowly re-introduce” me to the “world”

bitch

everyone fucking knew we were all over each other. we were SO involved in each other’s lives that it was almost a part of our identity. they respected our relationship and they are probably more than happy that we plowed through and worked things out, rather than give up on a good fucking relationship. THESE are the type of people we want to keep in our lives. lets be real - a good chunk of people don’t even know we broke up. the better chunk of people know we got back together and are happy with it. a very VERY small percentage, and by that i mean maybe less than 5 people that i could literally give less shits about, don’t like that we got back together.

it really fucking irks me that you were trying to hide our relationship from certain people to prevent people from instigating, so that they don’t talk shit, or start drama.

okay first off, you’re raising more suspicions by hiding shit. the worst fucking thing is for people to find out from other people and THAT in itself gonna start drama. THAT is gonna make them talk even more shit.

listen.

If you are confident about our relationship

If you express to people that you are confident in the decision to get back together

If you are confident that the compatibility of our relationship is unmatched and is on a higher level than any other form of relationships

If you KNOW this decision will make you HAPPY

THEN

NO ONE

CAN

SAY

FUCKING

SHIT.

If people have the nerve to negatively judge your CONFIDENCE in making a decision you are HAPPY with, then these people are full of shit

But if you show any hesitation

You hide shit

You show doubt

You show that you are unconfident

Then you are making room for people to form judgements.

You are making it easier to think you are sus.

You are giving people a reason to think you’re making the wrong decision.

Not only to your peers....

But to your partner.

Man the fuck up.

timing isn’t a thing

it’s decision making

thoughts

just wanted to get this out of my head. nothing well written. just jotting down some thoughts that i will come back to this later. lacking sleep. can’t write comprehensively. honestly about to doze off. but i still want to get my thoughts out

been feeling emotionally drained because of the break up last month. the anxiety was brutal. i still have flash backs to the panic attacks i would have at night

my coping mechanism was imagining myself with other men. i’d go on tinder/okcupid/coffeemeetsbagel because i was desperate to find someone new in my life, a rebound, to help me move the fuck on. also for an ego boost. i wanted to feel wanted. was a nice change to hear someone say that i was gorgeous and sexy, even if they were just trying to get into my pants. in reality, i didn’t want to be with anyone. i wanted to escape my mind.

after a month of relying on this coping mechanism, it has now become my current mindset. now i am starting to favor the idea of someone new. a fresh start. a classy first date. someone who sweeps me off my feet. someone who thinks the world of me. someone i can give everything to. someone i can truly devote myself to.

spent all of katsucon trying to get Henry out of my head. so many people asked me “how is henry.” my response: “we broke up”. Say that shit enough times and it finally sinks in. By Saturday, you finally accept it. You finally feel a huge sigh of relief and let go. You meet someone new. You finally see the end of this exhausting depression.

henry comes to surprise me at katsucon to tell me he wants to get back together. it was a huge gesture, and i deeply appreciated it. i felt happy for a moment, but mostly indifferent. i felt... not sad. but not happy.

ever since then, i don’t think i’ve felt happy. but i figure with time it will come back, right? ...right.

realized that i’ve been reverting back to the old ways of making myself happy. escaping by rolling and going to concerts. had the best fucking night of my life at excision friday. but then it was somewhat dampered because of henry. making me realize that maybe i’m better off running around wild and free. i don’t want to be weighed down by this and should actually be single.

i’ve been tolerating being left out when henry goes to hang out with his friends. i don’t have a problem with him hanging with his friends. i have a problem with him leaving me out. its not an every once in a while thing. it’s an every single fucking day thing. i would hit up my friends only to make myself feel like I have friends too. but in reality, i absolutely hate the feeling of being left out. not being included. not being invited. on. a. consistent. fucking. daily. basis. i could only tolerate it for so long. now i literally cannot handle it. the only reason i leave him out of my friend group is because he leaves me out. i hate feeling this way. less a problem of him hanging with his friends, more a problem with me feeling lonely. huge light has been shown on the loneliness issues i have. i hate feeling the same fucking way i felt when i was at MICA. i have all these friends now. friends that i can turn to and hang out with. but i am feeling left out, abandoned, and unincluded by the person who matters the most. yup. that shit makes you feel lonely as fuck no matter how many people you have surrounding you.

he tells me he’s going to try to come over tonight. and then he doesn’t. the one thing that might have actually made me feel better about all of this.

what henry doesn’t realize is that i’ve lost my sense of security. my sense of trust. he is the one who left me. he is the one who broke the commitment. he was the one who decided to no longer be loyal. i held on the whole entire time. that sense of trust has not come back yet. it still hurts. it honestly still hurts.

he tells me he is giving me a second chance in the relationship. yet he told me it’s because of him that we are breaking up, not me. he wanted to find himself. so after he broke the commitment, i’m the one that has lost trust and security in this relationship. so who’s really getting the second chance here.

tolerating.

sinking into a downward spiral

why am i holding on

because i see so much potential

and i haven’t forgotten or let go of what we’ve built over the past 6 months

it’s a little foggy right now, but i’m still holding on.

all i know is that right now, i’m not happy.

even though henry and i are ‘together’, i don’t feel like we’re together at all.

one month later and this shit is still fucking me up

sadgirlrisa

Roots of Jealousy

My jealousy is rooted from envy

I wish I could talk to you the way she talks to you

I’m pretty sure she can initiate better, deeper, insightful conversations

I base companionships and connection off conversation, so if someone else can initiate a better conversation than me, I automatically feel jealous

It’s always in the very beginning that I can initiate these close, insightful conversations. Maybe it’s just easier to talk in the beginning because you’re working with an empty slate, and it’s easy to pull a lot of unknown information out of someone.

As you get to know me, you will realize that I’m just an empty, dry book. I look really nice on the cover and back summary, don’t I? You read the first page, and the concept seems to intriguing …but then loose interest as you read along, and then you kinda just put me down. I am one of those books you struggle to finish.

This is why I want to get better at storytelling. I want to get better at script writing. I always feel like I can come up with interesting concepts and beautiful visuals…but no real content. No real meat, no climax, no ending. Just a concept. And that’s exactly what I am. I’m pretty enough for people to “want” me, I seem appealing because of certain interests that I have. People develop this “concept” and “idea” of me and I always feel like I disappoint them because I’m so fuckin dry. I’m so bad at carrying a conversation. They seem so eager to get to know me at first, but then when they realize I suck at talking, they kinda stop trying to get in contact. Without conversation, how the fuck do you feel a connection with me?

When I see you talking to other girls, and I feel like you talk to them better than you can talk to me, you should know that this roots back to my insecurities about myself. I’m trying really hard to fix myself. I really am. But I’m making extremely slow progress over time.

We’ll see how I develop. Things have gotten better, but I still have a far fuckin way to go

sadgirlrisa

DAMN.

wrote this shit 4 years ago and still rings true.

thoughts thoughts thoughts

urgh. this is literally one of the most important videos i’ve watched so far in relation to my current situation

. In regards to love, relationships, and feelings, it’s so important to me to really evaluate everything critically. Relationships are extraordinarily complicated and it’s almost imperative to know what the fuck you’re getting yourself into. In a relationship, not only do you need confidence, you need competence.

I’ve read up a decent amount of literature and watched a ton of videos. There’s a lot of varying thoughts and opinions, so I’m really just collecting as much information as possible and reaching my own personal conclusions that pertain to me and my relationships. Understanding all of this has become so important to me.

So I’m using this post to jot down a bunch of thoughts I have compiled. It’s a little less personal, and a little more critical. This is what I’ve learned in order to grow emotional intelligence and apply what I’ve learned into future relationships. My thoughts are little bit all over the place, but hopefully it makes sense y’all find something interesting out of all this.

The ability to want what we already have

In love, there is a need for … Security. Predictability. Dependability. Permanence. Basically anchoring and grounding people within our lives. We want to know everything about the person that we love. To minimize the distance. Develop closeness. But in contrast, we also have have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, mystery, risk, surprise, the unexpected. This is all lays in desire. Where we don’t want to go back to the places we’ve already gone. We want a bridge to cross. An unfamiliar place to visit. A yearning for something fresh and new. A relationship asks for both love and desire. With such contrasting needs, the whole concept between love and desire become pretty abstract.

Desire is ignited when the couple is apart. When they long for each other, and reunite. Because within that time apart, you are allowed to get back in touch with the ability to imagine yourself with your partner, which is a major component of desire. People will find themselves most drawn to their partner when they see them in their element. When they are on stage, in the studio, performing, or pursuing something they are passionate about. When they are at a party, and other people are drawn to them. When you see them radiant and confident. It is at this time, you are seeing the person you love, who you know and are so familiar with, momentarily become mysterious and unfamiliar once again. This allows you to have shift in perception as you look at the person you love. You know, there’s a quote that has really stuck with me through all my relationships: In commitment, desire, love, and marriage, the journey of discovery is not about seeking new landscape. It’s about seeing the same landscape with new eyes. And with time, the landscape changes. It evolves. You are never the same person as you were a year or two, or even a month ago. Same goes for the person that you love. So you learn to fall in love with each other over and over and over. In life, you find yourself getting married two, or three times. For some, they marry different people. For others, they marry the same person over and over again. You must consistently learn to see your partner with new eyes because they are never the same person when you first met them. This is what it means to commit.

Random side thought. I’ve always been confused when people told me to “Just be yourself”. I always found that to be the laziest piece of advice. It’s the advice people give you when they can’t come up with a real, practical solution. “Just be yourself”..... like what does that even mean?? As I mentioned before, people are constantly changing and we are never the same person as we were even just a month ago. When people say “Just be yourself” ...... to me, it sometimes translates as... don’t grow. Don’t change and evolve. Don’t do anything to adapt to a new challenging situation. Idk. I always found this advice to be horribly vague. What if you are in a relationship, and you are naturally clingy, dependent, and needy. Is it’s okay when you’re just “being yourself”. No. You need to learn to adapt to certain situations

So going back to desire: The key is ultimately maintaining a comfortable distance. Shit that I’ve mentioned in my last post really, but I’d like to elaborate on the point some more. When you are constantly in the mind and body of the person you love 24/7, every moment of everyday, you lose a sense of yourself. You forget how to become in touch with yourself, you become dead inside. Having that time to yourself allows you to regulate your emotions and keep everything in perspective. It will teach you to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and to not act on them impulsively so you can think through your decisions more clearly. By yourself. This is where I believe it’s possible to be in a relationship, but still be able to find yourself. In order to achieve this, you must be with the person who gives you ample time to discover yourself, travel the world, and be with friends. Activities that keep you truly grounded to your sense of self. At the end of the day, you’ll have someone to come home that you can tell everything that you’ve explored and learned. Someone who doesn’t weigh you down with all the complications of relationships, and gives you the freedom you need. They are your rock. They are your home.

So I’ve been talking about desire a lot, so I’m gonna touch on love for a bit. For the longest time, unconditional love really puzzled me. In previous relationships I never found it possible to love someone *no matter what*. If they upset me or did something disrespectful, I would stop loving them. If they didn’t perform enough romantic gestures to show that they love me, I would stop loving them. But recently, I read up an analogy that really helped me better understand the whole concept of loving someone unconditionally. This analogy is actually cheesy as fuck, but I like it. When thinking of the person you love unconditionally, think of the sun. The sun rises every single day with the warmth of it’s rays. It continuously brings light into your life. Unconditionally. Even on a cold, February morning, it will still provide light. Think of the person who is like the sun. Feel their love in the way that you feel the warmth of the sun’s rays. This is a form of unconditional love.

You know, I’ve been criticized of going in and out of so many relationships and I believe that sometimes the perception that people have of me is that I’m emotionally unstable, unable to commit, and cause a lot of drama. I’ve been called a slut. Many times. It’s ignorant, but never truly offended me to be honest. Having so many relationships is what unlocked my ability to view love in such a critical manner. I’ve learned a tremendous amount from every single relationship, from all the love and sorrow it brings. The reason I can deal with sorrow is because from it, I will grow tremendously stronger.

Ok. I think I’ve done enough thinking for now. Thank god I have no projects to finish today.

Anyways. I watch too many fuckin’ Ted Talks. It makes me think n stuff. I’m gonna go finish my portfolio now so I can apply for a new damn job. Pz.

damn

that was the most refreshing conversation i’ve had in a long ass time.

i literally feel so much better about everything. tonite was so nice that i’ve forgotten how to feel sad. nothing crazy happened. just a good ass conversation.

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