@fuckedwithsteel

personal blog

[sadophilia]

V/Simon, male, early 20s... my main account is @fuckedwithsteel ... things that don't fit here + most personal posts go here.

If I like you enough I'll tell you my other account. I will not publicly link it, though.

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I need to scream in my car again sometime. I'm alright rn but I just think it's something necessary for emotional maintenance.

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It is absolutely a Tumblrism but I love dropping "I'm literally nice, though" after thinking about something 'alarming' or objectively maladjusted I've done. I say thinking because I'm rarely confessing that to anyone outside my journal and my journal doesn't get stupid little low effort one-liners.

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I might go back to posting more gore on main. I was afraid of termination but there's literally like 2 or 3 blogs on here that I would want to remutual so who give a shit.

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I'm not touching whatever the fuck happened to me after the episode because that's not the first time I went from angry and destructive and obsessed with mutilating myself to literally feeling anachronistic detachment and fear and feeling like my brain has 'kicked down' like that. Oh well.

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I feel better but I really don't like saying that because I'm afraid of jinxing it. I don't like the idea of saying "I'm doing alright" and some sort of cosmic irony putting me in its sights. The only issue I'm still having (which I was having before the episode, admittedly) is that my appetite is completely shot. I can look back on my messages with J. from this time last year and see that yes, I had a similar episode last year... Obviously not 1:1, but... God, I hate knowing myself like that. And you never feel any less pain just because you knew it was coming, either. You can apologize to people you love [well, person, in my case] and you can try to tell yourself you'll just figure out how to inoculate yourself against it... but it's still going to hurt. I'm disappointed in myself even though I shouldn't be because I know I've spent a week or so being burdensome. I cannot seem to convince myself that the kindness I've been afforded is justified or deserved. Hah.

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my brain kicked down a few gears and i went from explosive hatred of everyone whose ever been happy (i am jealous of you) to bloody bitter grief (i am loved but i'm terrified i will lose it or god forbid have to share it) to feeling like a stupid adolescent who is nothing but terrified again. i literally don't deserve what i have. even if i didn't make it anyone else's problem tonight i still am a monster. lol. i mean, this is an anon blog, but i'm still talking about it, aren't i? i'm still showing you that i'm a broken individual and that means i can't control it, right? i don't know.

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i'd refer to this time of year as 'surgery while awake' but honestly it lacks the required closeness of surgery and the understanding that there's pain inherent. if you start screaming and crying when someone's pulling your insides out without anesthesia that's kind of understandable. if you start screaming and crying and skinning yourself in weird places just because it's december you get psychiatric detainment.

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i think the only thing that struck me was when i was 19 and posting pictures of my self mutilation in a group chat specifically for... well, that purpose. and someone said like 'that looks really painful. do you really do that every day?' and at the time i did. i don't anymore but i've done it two nights in a row now and i feel like i'm fucking up again. and i'd rather make a total ass of myself on an anon blog because at least then you can just unfollow and maybe we could pass by each other and you'd never know it's me. but i hate admitting that to anyone who knows me. i hate admitting how bad i'm fucking up because anyone with a brain would see this and go 'i need to get rid of him, he's not someone i want in my life'.

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Why do I still not feel better. I mean I feel marginally number but I still just. I don't feel okay again. How am I supposed to act like myself. I don't even know how to act like 'me' right now and it's upsetting me because I fucking hate being alone like this but what option do I have. Even via text it's easy to tell like "Wow, something is off with him." I don't know. God. I just wish I hit a fucking artery and died or something LOL. I know if I pop pills now I'll just end up getting worse and mutilating myself further again and I just. God, fuck this. This is fucking stupid. This is incredibly stupid and I have work tomorrow.

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I genuinely don't think my trauma was bad enough to warrant this. I do not think my trauma was bad enough to warrant becoming something unlovable and violent and self-destructive with a constant bleeding pain inside of it. I don't give a shit what I went through it shouldn't have taken my fucking humanity from me.

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30 minutes is lowkey a new record literally nobody has to know what I just did if I don't tellthem because I didn't dip from a conversation for 3 hours this is awesome

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And I forgot to steal the straight razor from work. Fan fucking tastic dude.

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Like I don't even feel like I want to be alive much longer. I'm telling myself it'll be worth it but I'm fucking tired of it. My insides hurt all the time, I can't eat, I can't focus, I can't feel anything other than this gaping hole in my chest and this anger and this sadness. I'm sick of being a fucking burden. And I'm especially sick of how none of what I feel or think is cohesive or understandable to the average person. God. Whatever. I hope I have a cardiac event soon because suicide isn't an option.

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Can I confess my ugliest thoughts to someone no judgment and no advice please.

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I've been feeling off all day. I am trying not to assume this will be permanent.

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"I'll go back to bed for an hour." No you won't bitch. Spiral.