Okay so like. Having made this snarky comment. And given our track record. Me and @some-lasombra-bullshit now HAVE to assign real-life animal courtship rituals to clans like this is a contractual obligation now. Obviously.
In order of how long it took us to come up with this bullshit:
Toreador: Toreadors are easy. They're bowerbirds. They make a fancy art project, do a fancy dance, then fuck in it.
Tzimisce: Elephant seals. It's not about 'impressing a mate' it's about OWNING this BEACH. This is MY BEACH and it is MY property and if you haul out on MY beach I OWN YOU TOO. Get OFF!!!! My FUCK BEACH!!!! INTERLOPER!!!!
Ventrue are one of those three-sexed songbird species that have two distinct sexes of male, where the big aggressive dominant sex that control territory and drive rivals away from a collection of females....are actually significantly less reproductively successful, because they get so caught up in fighting each other and expanding their territory that they are literally CONSTANTLY getting cucked. Because the quieter, dull-colored, friendly, prosocial male sex treats the femals better and has built a robust network behind the loud jackasses' backs. Every Ventrue thinks they're the cool twink bird and 99% of them are wrong.
Lasombra: The thing jumping spiders do where the male has to perform a flawless hundred-step dance and also provide dinner and if he's even slightly dissatisfactory in either of those tasks at any time she will full-on eat him. But like, she'll say grace first.
Brujah are stag beetles. They have performative clashes of strength like red deer, throwing each other around to impress the nearby female only to get so into it by the time they've bested every other interested party that they chuck her off the roof too.
Tremere are....okay so the Tremere are alpacas. They're goofy and harmless-looking but in their internal hierarchy you're normally only Lead Buck for a few days because the position involves so much time constantly fending off rivals that you literally don't have time to eat, so in order to improve their future chances at still HAVING the position by the time more females come into season the dominant bucks will deliberately aim for their rivals' testicles and CASTRATE THEM WITH THEIR TEETH to prevent them from become a future threat. Just in case.
Look me in the eye and tell me that's NOT how the Pyramid works.
Gangrel: Hares. (Went back and forth on this for the Lasombra, but I feel like the idea of a perfectly-matched equal would make the Lasombra break out in hives. How DARE you. I HAVE no equal.) Anyway the Gangrel are hares. If you pass initial inspection we start with an endurance footrace at high speed. IF you can keep up we then proceed to the bare-knuckle single combat portion of the sex. If you're STILL not dead then we can fuck.
Banu Haqim are eagles. It's cliche but since when do the BH care. Courtship is opened when you hunt something down and present it to the object of your affection. If the prey is deemed impressive enough, you will fly as high as you can go, lock talons, and plunge toward the earth. Let go too soon and you're a coward unworthy of my time. I decide when we pull out of this freefall. Embrace the ecstasy of imminent death.
Salubri: Pandas. There are so few of them left and we DESPERATELY want them to fuck but they're so bad at it. We cannot get them to make more pandas we are trying DESPERATELY to make more pandas but they simply will not. Stars. Can't do it. Not today.
Ravnos are maned wolves. Or albatrosses or something. They actually mate for life and defend a territory together but they only physically see each other once or twice a year. hello darling. love of my life. my perfect other half. I will remain loyal to you until one of us dies. go away.
Settites: Nobody knows but it's probably annoying and weird. They probably do the thing Adelie penguins do where they make a pile of Fuck Rocks and the person with the biggest pile wins, but with secrets. And crucially absolutely nobody else wants the rocks. They're over here going "I AM THE MOST FUCKABLE KINDRED ON THIS EARTH. BEHOLD MY PILE OF VALUABLE SECRETS" and everyone else is like "those are rocks. im not fucking you for the rocks" and they're like "FOOLS!!!!" and everyone is like "IT'S R O C K S"
Hecata: The Hecata are not allowed to fuck. They're like those octopuses that just chuck their penis arms at each other and leave.
Nosferatu: Listen y'all these guys fuck nasty. It's either salmon spawning season or a snake-fuck style breeding ball and we all know it.
Malkavians: Elaborate rituals that are not actually recognizable as mating behavior by anyone else. They're like mice that 'howl' at ultrasonic frequencies to attract mates but nobody else can tell they're doing anything, combined with some shit like goddamn fungus. Sexting over the mycelial network.
This has been your nightly infusion of nonsense thank you everyone. Try not to think about the nosferatu mating ball every time you close your eyes for the rest of your life.
