Deep Breath and a Leap

A story, one day at a time, about the struggle to stop and the push to keep going.

[safira1973]

Having a very bad time with the picking today. Pulled my forehead apart again and am feeling like giving up and resigning going to college like the ugly idiot that I am right now. This won't heal in two weeks.

[missaneesa]

"Even If I close my eyes, i know you’ll keep looking"

"It’s always been this way. ‘What’s Wrong with her? What is that?’"

"Everyday they pray to rip it from their chest and Be Free. They Run into the Streets, bleeding, half dead, believing they are whole"

[safira1973]

Very, very brave and well-written.

[dermarecovery]

#DermaProblems

Seeing your face in the morning after a night of picking

[nijisundae-deactivated20230618]

[pudgums]

THIS IS THE BEST THING ON TUMBLR..

[safira1973]

This is the sweetest animation.

[13neighbors]

“People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.”

Chuck Palahniuk, Haunted (via 13neighbors)

[bitchwefabulous]

HELL YEA FABULOUS

[safira1973]

From now on, my new lease on solving this problem. Just got off the phone with my boyfriend. Tried to break things off with him tonight because of the CSP. I wanted to break it off because I feel so goddamn ugly and disgusted with myself and because things are very complicated but he talked me off a cliff and I'm glad he did. Maybe this relationship is coming at a good time for all parties involved. Anyway, personal stuff. But, as far as the picking is concerned, I think the only thing to do is to recommit myself again to using every means possible to stop. I need to buy cloth gloves to wear around the house. I need to sleep better, eat better. Basically, I need to take care of myself. I definitely made my face worse today and I'm not sure that it'll heal before I go to college. But, it's senseless to worry about something over which I have limited control. What I can try to control is the picking, which I am recommitting myself to doing.

I'm going to be wearing cloth gloves everywhere I go around my house and I'm going to make sure I have my makeup on for most of the day and, if I don't, I'll invite a friend over so that I won't simply sulk thinking about how ugly I am. (I do truly believe that I am ugly no matter what people say... of course, I understand that the belief is unhealthy but I can't see that it's untrue so I still hold the belief.) I also have at least changed the thought in my head that used to be "if I keep doing this no one will ever love me" to "if I keep doing this I will be ugly." A minor improvement, I think. 

I need to figure out where to buy cloth gloves.

[rscroix]

Albus 

[safira1973]

Self-injury can't always be my solution. Words of wisdom indeed, Albus.

[safira1973]

Small successes

So I did make it 72 hours. But I feel like screaming. Mid-writing this entry today I relapsed. And I relapsed badly, destroying my face for about three hours straight. I made a few mistakes. I was bad about communicating with my therapist so I never scheduled an appointment. I emailed her recently but she hasn't gotten back to me as far as I know.

[safira1973]

Not 72 hours

Fucked up today. Didn’t wear gloves in the shower. Didn’t make my seventy-two hours. I have three weeks until I leave for college. I’ve never looked this disgusting. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go to New York like this. I feel very much like giving up.

[dunandgo-blog]

I’d do this privately but I didn’t see an ask on your blog. I just wanted to tell you that I’m here. I start school in three weeks too and I’ve fucked up the past 3 days. Maybe we could try together?

[safira1973]

Haha yeah I don't know how to work this Tumblr machine very well. Yes, I'd be willing to do that. We'll follow each other's progress.

[dovely-dodo-blog]

I’m ugly.

[safira1973]

Feel like this today.

[safira1973]

Not 72 hours

Fucked up today. Didn't wear gloves in the shower. Didn't make my seventy-two hours. I have three weeks until I leave for college. I've never looked this disgusting. I can't do this anymore. I can't go to New York like this. I feel very much like giving up.

[safira1973]

A small victory

Tonight I managed to not pick at all. I washed my face and never looked in a mirror too closely. First victory in a long while. 72 hours, here I come.

[safira1973]

Up again

I had the most wonderful and also the most difficult night last night. Yesterday I committed to a full 24 hours without picking. I didn't make it. I picked this morning. But, I have an idea. I'm going to try to get some rest now and I'm going to cover the corners of the mirror where I pick. Hopefully, this will help me get 72 hours under my belt. If I can go three days without picking I'm rewarding myself with a facial. It's very, very difficult to feel like I'm making any progress when my face looks as awful as it does now. And, even though I know someone does love me who has seen me without my makeup, part of me doesn't believe I'm loveable. I just need 72 hours. I'm asking my friends for help and support. I'm giving up the reigns. I can't keep doing this. I've got to stay out of my house as much as possible. I have to keep trying. I'm not giving up now. I'll be a better person when all this is done. Please wish me luck and strength.

[madefearfully-blog]

[safira1973]

Fingers crossed!

[safira1973]

Thought log:

Situation: After picking

Automatic thought: I've ruined my skin.

Alternative thought: In my experience, I have done minimal "permanent" damage and--when enough time passes--even the hyper-pigmentation goes away so I haven't actually "ruined" my skin. I have no evidence of "ruining" my skin from a doctor or esthetician, though sometimes it feels that way. Objectively speaking, it is possible that I could do permanent damage if I continue with this behavior. It's rational to note that the skin picking treatment I'm receiving will help prevent that from happening. Reasonably speaking, this thought contributes to my picking and the vicious cycle. It's logical to believe that my face picking has gotten severe and has motivated me to work hard in my treatment before college. 

[safira1973]

Always remember.

[safira1973]

Some of the many reasons I have to stop.