I find myself yearning, sometimes. Hoping, wanting, desiring and even dreaming. Fully aware that I can't, I shouldn't and I am not allowed.
I can come up with, and use, as many excuses as I want yet none of them will be true. I can say that I'm too busy, my job is time consuming, maybe that I'm too lazy or just not ready. I can even say that I'm too old or too bold, or I'm not really interested in being in a relationship.
I can keep going but the thing is… I don't know. I don't know what's the truth, I don't know anything, at all. I am not sure of anything. Not even myself.
I avoid mirrors sometimes, scared of what I might see, or not see. Eyes too tired to even recognise my own reflection, a mind too disturbed to acknowledge there's many things wrong within me. A body too cold to even wish for someone else's warmth. A voice muffled, suffocated by my own thoughts.
Yet I see you. And I yearn, I wish, I hope.
Maybe those eyes will look at me, just for a little longer, maybe you'll turn around and smile at me, and only me. Wishing for those warm hands to hold mine, to caress me with a love strong enough to make me completely addicted. I hope your comforting words and understanding will be directly at me, a soft voice lullabying me to sleep, to break those walls surrounding me, tearing apart all the fears.
I keep dreaming that, one day, you will see me as who I am, help me to comprehend that this void crippling inside of me can be filled with only happiness, joy, bright days and a future worth living. Wishing you will accept every side of me, patient enough to wait for me until I feel comfortable to stop pretending and finally let go of those unwanted thoughts.
I find myself looking at that camera. You're on your phone, talking and smiling so adorable. But it's not me, not yet. You're falling for someone who's so different from me, so far away again. What I yearn for it's not mine, not yet. And I wonder…
For how long do I have to wait? How many times do I have to see you fall in love with someone that's not me? When will it be my turn? When will your eyes look at me only? When will you help me?
I know I am not allowed. I should give up and accept that reality of mine and let it crush me until there's nothing but emptiness. But can you blame me? Am I really not worth being loved?
I refuse to see my reflection on the computer's screen, I refuse to turn off the music. I don't want to hear my own thoughts.
Uhm... Thinking about sitting on Unknown's lap today (original, I know) and how this one simple action can reflect on your relationship with him as a whole.
The initial experience is very awkward. Uncomfortable. Weird. For you both, in fact. Of course, you wouldn't know that. Unknown would rather choke on his own words and die than acknowledge that you are causing him to feel out of place. He needs to be in control... And he will go above and beyond to keep that control, even if it makes things more difficult for him in the long run.
He is keeping you on his lap because he hasn't got a setup for you yet. He never intended to bring you here, after all. Not beyond fantasizing about being the cause of your laughter or telling you about his favorite ice cream flavor. He doesn't know why he thought of such stupid things while researching your routine. In any case, it was pointless. The effort he put in was not worth it. All because you made the choice to do what he hates the most.
Lie to his face.
He'll get you for that later, of course. But he keeps you where he can see you for the time being. He could have let you sit on the cold floor, but he didn't. Unknown isn't willing to admit to himself that the thought of letting you sit there reminds him too much of the days spent curled up on the floor of his childhood home.
You have just arrived here, and you are already causing trouble just by being in the same space as him. Causing his thoughts to become erratic when he has so many tasks to complete.
You both look stiff as hell. Your aim is to maintain as much distance between you as possible, mostly for the sake of decency. Unknown allows you to do as you please. He is unaware of how people cuddle, anyway. He is utterly clueless about where to put his hands or what angle to have his head in order to view all that he requires to see on the monitors. Your body is feeling cold and tense. But both of you are silent.
It persists like this for a few days.
His first attempt to pull you close to his chest occurs on impulse. A sudden alert went out, and he had to act quickly to immediately assess the issues. So, he yanked you close, placing his head right on your shoulder, as his nose scrunched up in displeasure.
Only, he stays put even after the problem is resolved. You do the same. Your back feels more relaxed since you don't have to keep your posture upright all the time, and receiving extra warmth from his chest pressed up against your back is a wonderful gift, to say the least. And Unknown finds himself liking the feeling of your body pressing up against his, more than he would like to admit.
It feels soft. And warm. And grounding. He would usually only feel desperate for something like that during short periods of distress when the nightmares are plaguing his mind again. But now, it's very much a reality.
He gets a bit grabby after that. He truly doesn't have any ulterior motives with his actions, but it's only natural for you to get rather uncomfortable when he suddenly kneads at your upper thigh or squishes your sides. Unknown has no clue about what is acceptable or not according to society's standards. And, in his mind, he's only using you as a living stress relief or a stimming toy. Without having a grasp of the concepts, of course.
In fact, if you were to express your discomfort, he would likely offer a muffled apology. He sure doesn't like it when other people touch him without his permission. In a way, he'll understand if you explain why you don't like him doing that.
You are a mystery to him, just as he is to you.
It's only when you two start opening up to each other as people that your working arrangements start to shift. You become more comfortable settling into a relaxed position against him, and Unknown no longer sits stiff as a wooden board, nor does he grab at you like a plush toy or something. You two begin conversing with each other as you go about your duties. Making jokes. Mostly with you doing the jokes and Unknown simply raising a confused eyebrow at you.
You start seeing him as more than just some weird guy who snatched you away into some god-forsaken place, and he starts seeing you as a genuine companion to share his time and thoughts with.
Unknown becomes more relaxed, his shoulders slumped as he rests his chin on the top of your head or on your shoulder, depending on his mood and your height. He starts trying out different positions, and at times you provide him with small hints on where to put his hands, which he actually listens to. He finds that having one arm wrapped snuggly around your middle is one of the most calming things ever, even if his workflow slows a little due to him only typing with one hand. And you find that you can always fiddle with his hair once you feel him get tense or frustrated when something doesn't go his way. One time, he even got so lost in the moment that he hummed and leaned his head into your touch like an affectionate cat begging for pets.
You have never commented on it.
Unknown never knew how touch-starved he was until he had you. The feeling of being touched was pleasant. And it was pleasant to touch someone in return. Your touches were not painful, nor were they conditional. He never had such affection before. He becomes rather hungry for it.
This is why he snarles and tells the unlucky believer who finally brought you a new chair to fuck right off. Rather rudely. Not like he cared.
And once your relationship progresses and becomes romantic, the stiffness and awkwardness of your initial impression feels like a distant dream. Unknown grows bold in his affection for you. Casually peppering the side of your neck with light kisses as he scrolls through the recent log, randomly biting down on your shoulder for... no particular reason at all (is he a cat or something?), nuzzling into your hair with a frustrated huff when things don't go his way.
It's cute. But also a bit annoying. You find yourself working even less effectively than you did when you were just starting out. It's hard to do any work when your boss is actively nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck to keep himself awake. But he doesn't care. It seems that your 'usefulness' is not as important to him as he said.
୨ৎ He loves to recommend you self-help books. It is very important for him that you have confidence, that's why he shares with you what he has learned in his own journey of self-discovery.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁Saeyoung. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
୨ৎ Saeyoung cooks for you as a sign of devotion. He's learning about the importance of self-care and how he needs to be healthy in order to take care of you. He makes delicious noodles.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁Zen. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
୨ৎ He happily expects one of your morning outfit checks. It's a fun routine that you two have made, to praise each other's fits before leaving the house.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁Saeran. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
୨ৎ One day you started watching Tinker Bell with him, almost as a joke, and suddenly he got invested in the whole saga.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁Jaehee. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
୨ৎ She's constantly trying to do recipes she sees online and lets you be her judge. Her cinnamon roles and sujeonggwa are incredible. She loves the faces you make when you taste her desserts.
PS: yes I did some research of south Korean beverages lol. I feel like everyone loves to make dishes from their home country.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁Yoosung. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
୨ৎ As a kid, his mom told him that a good boyfriend had to learn to give shoulder massages. He is good at taking care of you after work, and his hands are always tender.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁Jihyun. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
୨ৎ He leaves origami pieces all over your apartment for no reason. Last night, you had breakfast with two paper dinosaurs (for anyone interested, one was a t rex and the other one was a diplodocus).
titsay
izzy806
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