So here's how it goes....
We count the days so we know what day those precious eggs are going to drop and either plan to take our partner into a spin all that week to make sure we get it fertilised or we make sure to avoid removing our clothes at all in the presence of our loved one during that week so we don't fall pregnant and then we await that awful few days of pain, cramps, mood swings and the bloody mess we can't escape.
Well, for me it's timed to the exact hour every time it comes, and because I've only just recently become active, I was waiting for that precious hour to come to confirm that I absolutely was not pregnant. Stupid really since I've been on the pill nearly 3 years now and won't let my boyfriend near me without protection, and yet for some reason every nerve in my body feared there was no way my period was going to come this time.
I waited 24 hours before re-reading the instructions in the packet of my contraceptive pill. "A missed period can occur and does not mean you are pregnant." Still, I fretted. I worked myself up so much that everything Liam did would bug me. Until I finally came out with why I was stressed. And he kept pushing buttons so I left town for an afternoon and refused to answer his calls.
"If it doesn't come, it's bad news for you too."
"How? Why's it so important anyway?"
"Getting your period is a pretty sure-fire way of knowing you're not pregnant."
"But, the pill, the condoms?"
"I don't know, but it's not here yet!"
I guess it's true the more you stress about your period not coming, the more it won't come.
The minute I relaxed I felt the onset of cramps and 20 minutes later, yep, a bloody mess.
And yet, the minute a saw that mess, I cried not tears of relief, but of grief.
Because even in not wanting to be pregnant because of the plans I have, the thought that there could have been something growing inside me, even if it was only for around 48 hours, I wanted that to be real so badly.
I wanted a little baby to be growing inside me, so that I could look after it, and call it my own and teach it to walk and talk.
Of course once I finish my degree and have a career I'll actually be trying for a child, but in that moment that I realised I wasn't having one right now, I wanted one more than ever.
And I can't tell anyone about.
So, here's the first insight to my mind.
Prepare yourself for the wackiness that will continue as you learn all the things I need to tell people, but have no-one that I can properly confide in.
