I'm back! After a long unintentional hiatus, I am back! [The crowd cheers. I'm thrown a bouquet onto my stage. Someone has popped a bottle of champagne.] I know, I know. Ahh, how I've missed this journal.
The weather is hot and it hasn't rained in a long while. We need the rain desperately, however it just won't come. The apps say that there might be some tonight, but it seems like every time it's predicted, it never happens. We shall see.
To spare everyone some long winded tale of "what happened"...nothing! Nothing happened! Well, depression happened (and is always happening), but that's a thing that waxes and wanes. I went through a nasty little slump there and had been feeling really hopeless. I've gained all the weight that I had previously lost back, my skin is the worst it's ever been, my mood was sour lemons, my pride in my work went to excrement, and everything at all times was falling around me. I go through phases like this though. Bright eyed hope for a better future, beginning to do healthy things, living life like I know I should...only to have the evil mire that is depression leech the light from me. I'll crawl back into my hole and fester away for months and then something will inspire me to get back up and live again. I'd love for this to NOT be a cycle this time. I really want to make this change for good and stick with it, even if it's hard. I'm a masochist for crying out loud! You'd think I'd find a way to turn the torture of things like diet and exercise into pleasure. Eh, c'est la vie.
Sunday I started my tracker of going to the gym. The goal is to move. Just move, as much as I can for as long as I can right now. I'm not going to give myself any unrealistic goals, not going to make it a big list of to-do's while I'm there. I have zero stamina to do anything...so I want to work on that. I've been doing decently well with making my own food recently. I need to get better at planning and making smarter purchases. Part of this is tying into pay off some debts. I have cards that need to be paid off...turns out when you feel terrible, retail therapy does NOT in fact help. A lesson I will no doubt be taught and learn many more times in my life.
Hm. Other updates...still going to therapy, going to be starting ERP soon. Got my hair chopped off for the summer, it will grow back very fast, but for now it feels amazing. Much lighter, and I don't feel like I need to pull it back into a ponytail 24/7. I have a bunch of perfume samples coming in soon that I'm extremely excited to try! Some are random picks, some are things I've been interested in. I can't wait to write out my thoughts and opinions about them. Fragrances are one of the things in life that bring me immense joy.
Anyways, I'm back! I'm sorry I left. I'm going to do my best to be present in here again...I missed this place, my little cathedral on the distant hill...
♡ Blessings ♡
