I had always liked how the sun shined through the stained glass windows, their colors shining across the wooden pews and red carpet. I found the stained glass depictions of Jesus to be a lot more comforting than the mosaic tiles that lined the walls or the statues and sculptures of Jesus being crucified. In fact, all of the figurines in our church made me uncomfortable. Up on the wall, behind the altar was a statue of the Virgin Mary. How we envied her as young girls. She was blessed with a baby and didnât even have to try. That wouldâve been a lot easier than what we were going through. I didnât mind the part of the process I was in. Courting. I was paired with three different boys, all equally as spontaneous as me. I didnât know if I even really liked them, but they were fun to hang out with.Â
Unfortunately, Mom had laid out my skirt and my top on my bed before I had even woken up, so there was no time to escape before heading into the church. She was even going to make me sit next to her. She smelled like roses and had tanned skin, even at the beginning of the summer. When we walked in, I saw my older brother, Cal, with a hand in his pocket and a hand on the back of his wife, Oaklyn. He smiled at Mom. My favorite brother, Matty, had already settled with his two girls. His wife had just had their youngest daughter. We hadnât seen much of him since they were constructing their own house. Ilia, Callan, and Carlyle came in with us. And Sonny and I walked in with our arms linked.Â
âSalley Kate,â a woman called from behind me. It was one of my suitorâs mothers. âItâs nice to see you here today. I feel itâs become a rare occurrence.â
I politely smiled, letting go of my favorite sisterâs arm. âLovely to see you, Mrs. Robertson. Elias has been a perfect gentleman to me.â
She smiled and her cheeks practically made her eyes disappear. It was a fake smile, and I knew that. And Elias hadnât been a perfect gentleman. In fact, the night before, we had skipped our evening service and snuck out to the creek on the edge of town. We both had stripped down to our undergarments and swam in the river. He kissed me once it was dark, but we werenât supposed to have any sort of physical relations before the wedding day. My feet were still dirty from the walk home, but you couldnât see it through my flats.Â
I sat down in the pew, where my mom had been waiting, and I let out a deep sigh. Mom scolded me, told me to keep it down, and that weâd have a conversation about where i was the night previous, later. I watched the dust particles float in the light that was shining in from the windows and I blinked a few times. There was nothing comforting about the church. In fact, I felt my heart race and my palms sweat a little bit as I sat there.Â
In walked the Pastorâs children. First, his unmarried girls. Then his married daughter. Then Branson and Britton. They were set to be married in a year or two. She wore white, had her blonde hair perfectly straightened or perfectly curled. Her make up was always done, and she always wore a smile. No one new what pain Britton was in besides a couple of us at home. I had heard her crying earlier in the week to our mom about how scared she was. Scared for her wedding night, she had clarified. With a man like Branson, I probably would have been too. It wasnât that he was scary. He was just... powerful. But they were in love. They were probably the most in love of all the couples in town. You would have never known it though. Everyone acted like they were as in love as Britton and Branson.Â
Next in was the First Lady. Thatâs what we called Pastor Plumfeldâs wife. Mrs. Plumfeld. I didnât know her first name. I never had, and I donât even think Mom knew. Then, we all stood as Pastor Plumfeld walked in. This was a big day for the church. Matty was dedicating his daughter, so they stood and sprinkled her with water. We joined in communion with them. Then Pastor started talking about how we were sent by God to defend the Kingdom and bring more believers to Him. I slumped further and further and further into my seat in the Pew. Mom squeezed my knee to tell me I was behaving inappropriately. She could squeeze as hard as she wanted, but I wasnât sitting up.Â
Pastor told us to stand, and I would stand. We sang the hymns. He blessed the Body and Blood of Christ and we shared dry crackers and wine. Yes, wine. We all had wine. Even the babies. Even the pregnant women. By the time the morning service was over, I was starving and bored and ready to be back outside. Jaci Mae grabbed a hold of my hand and dragged me into the bathroom with her. She had recently become scared of being in the church alone. I waited for her by the sink, careful not to make eye contact with any of the older women if they didnât speak to me first.Â
Then finally, Jaci was done, we were out of the church, and I had challenged Zodiac and Hux to a race back to our house. We all took off running, passing family members and friends and elders in the church. Dad yelled at us to stop, to slow down, to wait for the family, but we didnât. Once we got home, I rubbed it in both of their faces that I won and that they got beat by a girl. Then, I quickly ran into the room I shared with my sisters, threw off my church clothes and got into some of Iliaâs old play clothes that Zodi hadnât quite grown into yet.Â
I went into the kitchen to peak out of the window. Harlow, another one of my suitors, was waiting outside. He was still in his church clothes, and I wondered how he had even beaten me back to the house. Zodi and Hux were huffing and puffing still, fighting over a cup of water. I snuck out of the back door, careful to not let it slam shut.Â
âHarlow,â I called. âHi.â
He turned and smiled at me. I think of the three boys, I liked Harlow the best. He was kind. He didnât believe in God either. He could catch fish with his bare hands, and he heard the cattle as his job. He even was doing high school already and we were only thirteen.Â
âI wanted to give you something,â he said.Â
I was a little embarrassed when he said that. I realized I wasnât in the correct clothing. Mom and Dad didnât really care what we wore--err--what I wore around the house as long as I didnât go out in it. I immediately folded my arms and crossed my legs, hoping he wouldnât notice.Â
âIâm not dressed for any occasion,â I said.Â
Harlow laughed. âSalley Kate, weâve all seen you in your undergarments. Itâs nothing to be ashamed of.â
Thatâs why I liked Harlow.Â
âHere,â he said. He handed me a small box and I opened it. Inside there was a ring. âItâs not an engagement ring. Not yet. But it is a promise ring. Because I do want to marry you, Salley Kate. I want to marry you and runaway from this town with you.â
I heard the front door slam shut and Momâs voice call my name.
âLetâs go now.â I said.Â
I took Harlowâs hand and we ran into the woods behind my house. I didnât have shoes on, and he was in dress shoes and a tie. We ran and we laughed until we got lost and found a rest by a big tree that looked perfect for climbing. The pinestraw and the rocks didnât bother my feet any more, and the bugs didnât bother me when theyâd bite. Harlow was quite the opposite. He liked playing in the creek as much as I did and running through the woods, but he was bothered by the bugs. I thought it was sweet.Â
âI saw you talking with Eliasâ mother at church,â Harlow said. âIt made me jealous.â
âElias kissed me last night,â I said. Because we were paired up with three boys, the boys were also paired up with three girls. And those were our selections. Harlow was a little bit older. He had just turned fifteen. Elias was my exact age. Age didnât really bother me, though the year prior an eleven year old girl married a nineteen year old boy. They died in a house fire before she could give birth to their first child, and the rumor was that she had started it to kill them both. Pastor made us fast for a week. I ate snacks when everyone else was asleep.Â
âOh,â Harlow muttered. âUm... I--Did you want him to?â
âI mean I guess,â I said. âI had never kissed anyone before him.â
âI like you more, though.â
âIt should have been me.â
âIt should have been me. I should have been your first kiss. Not on our wedding day. But... before Elias.â
âHave you kissed anyone?â I asked, nervously.Â
Harlow was quiet for a while. My heart sunk into my chest and I was still holding onto the ring box. It didnât change how I felt about him, no matter what he said.Â
âOnly Pastor Plumfeld.â
My heart sunk further and it was almost a reflex to whip my head around to look at him straight in the face. Tears welled up in his eyes. I didnât know Pastor Plumfeld had special time with him too. It was so normalized, you went in to your weekly appointment, or daily appointment if that was what was scheduled. You sat in his office or in the chapel or at the altar. You prayed. You took a deep breath. You dealt with it, and then you left. Jaci Mae had recently started having appointments with him too. He made me come in at least four times a week.Â
Harlow cried. I cried. Then we kept running.Â
We didnât come home for three days.Â
When we returned, my dad had accepted Eliasâs offer of marriage. I was severely punished. I didnât see Harlow for a week. But when I finally saw him again, he apologized to me. He kissed me, long and sweet. And the next night our townâs police found him hanging in a tree in the woods. He wrote a letter, but I wasnât able to read it before Pastor burned it.Â
I sat in my seat in the wooden pews. I watched the stained glass windows form colors along the ground and walls. Elias sat next to me. His ring was on my finger. His mother was smiling. Harlowâs mother was crying. His body was carried in in a black casket, and Pastor Plumfeld stared at me the whole time. We stood when he said to stand. We sat when he said to sit. We sang the hymns. We prayed. I sat in my seat and held back tears, and I didnât move from that spot for an hour after. And the hour during my one-on-one session with the Pastor.Â
As I walked out of the church, clothes rumpled, eyes puffy. I saw Ilia walking in. He looked at me. I looked at him. He knew what I had just gone through. I knew what was happening to him. We never said a word to each other. We still havenât to this day, but we know.Â
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