[Thank you to @axeeglitter for donating the first image!]
God, isnāt my boyfriend Kevin hot?
Like, maybe TOO hot? I constantly worry heās going to be stolen away from me by some jacked-up jock whoās more his speed. I donāt really get what he sees in me. Especially considering how much I see in him.
Like, look at how Iām looking at him right now.
This is how my face looks every time heās in front of me. I canāt even focus on the totally Instagram-worthy coffee shop cafĆ© thing heās dragged me to. I couldnāt care less about coffee, really, but Kevin wanted to come (āthey have coffee sommeliers that come right up to your table, Andrew,ā he said, as if that wasnāt what regular waiters did at regular restaurants).
Anyway, I donāt know why I get so worked up about how hot he is. He adores me. He always tells me so. He doesnāt care that I donāt play basketball or go to the gym as much as he does. He says he likes having a respite from all of that when he comes home.
He says everyone at the gym is stupid and boring. He even called them āpretentious,ā which made me laugh. You canāt be pretentious about macros. Theyāre not, like, fine art. But itās just Kevin being Kevin. He just calls anything he hates āpretentious.ā
Thatās because what Kevin really hates is pretentious people. He hates when people put on airs and pretend to be cooler than they are.
That sure isnāt how I operate. And he loves me. Heās proven that time and again. So I gotta accept it. Thatās what my therapist says.
And I believe every word of his constant āI love yous,ā for so many reasons. Like, this schmoopy across-the-table gaze thing is a two-way street. If you could see the way heās looking at me right now⦠Puppy dog eyes, I swear. Heās toying with my hand and picks it up to kiss it gently. This sweet gesture earns us a snort of derision from this jacked guy walking past our table.
He is exactly who Iāve always secretly feared is Kevinās type. Expensive fitted clothes that are made to look like theyāre off-the-rack. Tattoos that highlight how thick his neck is and how burly his bicep is. I hate him already.
Heās clearly about to say something, but Kevin shoots him a glare and says ākeep walking, pal.ā
And the guy does keep walking. If only every problem in life had such a simple solution.
As soon as my food shows up, I need to pee. I canāt explain how this always happens to me. But itās like clockwork. While Iām peeing, I type a reply to my sister Juliaās latest text. It takes longer than I anticipated, and I eventually snap out of my phone trance, realizing that a few minutes have passed since I left our table.
I wash my hands and dry them in a rush, pushing the restroom door open with my hip and hurrying back to my seatā¦which is currently being occupied by a big, burly man. The guy who scoffed at us earlier. Douchebag stole my seat! I storm up to the table, preparing to eloquently tell him off, but - finding myself unprepared - all I can say is, āwhat the fuck?ā
The stranger looks at me like Iām the dirt underneath his shoe.
āWhatās up, little man?ā he says in a casual voice laced with condescension.
āYouāre in my seat,ā I say though gritted teeth.
āNo, Iām in my seat,ā he says.
I change tacks and turn to my boyfriend. āKevin, tell him thatās my seat.ā
Kevin just shrugs and says, āHeās been sitting here the whole time, pal, I donāt know what to tell you.ā
Is this some sort of prank? Is this some friend of Kevinās from the gym that he got to help him mess with me or something? I start to say something else when I see Kevin rest his hand on the interloperās thigh. Heās squeezing the bulky muscle and sliding his hand too close to his crotch for comfort. I donāt think Kevin would do that just to prank me. Itās too cruel.
āJesus, Kevin,ā I say, tears welling in my eyes. āRight in front of me? Thatās rich. After all the times you said my worries were unfounded. That you loved me for me.ā
āWhy would I tell you I loved you?ā Kevin asks. He has a quizzical expression that seems genuine, and Iām lost for words yet again.
āYeah, youāre really not his type,ā says the other guy, who needs to stay out of this.
āOf course Iām his type,ā I spit out.
āNo offense,ā says Kevin, looking me up and down, ābut youāre really not. Honestly, Iām sure a lot of guys dig your vibe, but itās a bit pretentious for me. I much prefer my big oaf here.ā He accompanies that last statement by grabbing the strangerās shoulder and giving it an affectionate little rub with his thumb.
I feel like heās just dumped a bucket of cold water on my head. āPretentious? Pretentious? How can you call me pretentious when this guy is wearing designer sunglasses and has a neck tattoo?ā
āItās called style, man,ā says the stranger.
āShut up, Iām not talking to you,ā I spit back.
āHey, hey,ā says Kevin. āLetās not be rude to my boyfriend.ā
Hearing him say the word āboyfriendā practically made my brain implode. I gaped at him mutely, like a fish who was just unexpectedly pulled from the water onto dry land.
I can feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes. āYou told me you loved me not 12 minutes ago. Now youāre feeling up some other guy in front of me and calling me pretentious. What gives?ā
Kevin narrows his eyes. āWhat arenāt you getting? I have no reason to love you. And why wouldnāt I call you pretentious? How else would you describe that outfit?ā
My sweater? I look down, confused, only to see the thick woven fibers of my top blending together into a smooth texture. As the uniform green-blue color begins to turn mottled and patchy, fading into a design of autumn leaves, the collar droops, the opening getting looser and looser to reveal first my clavicle, and then my entire bare torso as the entire sweater splits in half down the front. Buttons sprout from one side and I hastily do them up, blushing, but not quite registering that my hands stop just halfway up, leaving half my hairless chest on display. A chest that looks a bit skinner, a bit more hollow than I remember.
I feel a breeze around my ankles and look down to see that my blue jeans have become baggy, tan capris that flutter around my knees. It looks like a garment that an extra in an Indiana Jones movie would wear.
I reach out hesitantly to touch the soft fabric, light glinting off a pair of chunky rings that now adorn my hand. I feel overwhelmed by the sudden shift in my clothes. I feel dizzy⦠I feel-
Kevin clears his throat and I realize I have been letting his question hang in the air.
āMy outfitās not pretentious,ā I say, jerking my chin toward the stranger. āLike he said, itās called style.ā
āBut what about your hair? Donāt tell me thatās not pretentious.ā
My hair? What about my hair? I reach up to pat it and my fingers get tangled up as the strands start growing around them, flowing around my knuckles like a river current making way for a set of boulders. My hair extends down past my nose and past my chin, eventually settling atop my shoulders in wild waves that tickle my exposed neck.
The tickling increases as my clean-shaven face suddenly explodes with bristles. I untangle my fingers from my hair to poke at my cheeks in shock as prickly stubble gives way to patchy growth, eventually becoming a soft and downy beard that feels heavenly to touch. I do use a good conditioner, after all.
I grab a hair tie from around my wrist and do up my hair in a messy bun, then return to answering Kevinās questions. Iām still angry with him, because of⦠Because of why again? Oh yeah, he called me pretentious.
āFor your information, I happen to look hot like this. Havenāt you noticed?ā I ask. āItās not pretentious to want to look your best.ā
āOK, sure,ā said Kevin, āBut itās more about the way you think. The way you carry yourself. The way you think your opinion matters more than anybody elseās.ā
That statement sends me reeling. Kevin knows everything about the way I think, and he knows Iām not like that. I would never⦠listen to the opinions of just anyone.
I mean, if I only watched what the mainstream watched, Iād have wasted my time watching those Transformers movies in high school instead of exploring New Queer Cinema classics. Was I better than my classmates because I was watching The Watermelon Woman and The Living End? Well, yes. Yes I was.
If I only listened to what the mainstream listened to, my lovely, beat-up, vintage record player would only ever be used to play the latest Taylor Swift releases. I shudder at the thought.
If I only drank what the mainstream drank, Iād be imbibing that burnt swill that Starbucks serves up on every street corner.
But still⦠pretentious? I open my mouth to speak again when the big guy cuts me off.
āOK, lookā¦ā he says, squinting squints at my name tag āAndrew, is it?ā
āActually, itās Anders,ā I say, rolling my eyes. People are always getting my name wrong. It annoys the shit out of me.
āAnders. Why are you standing here arguing with my boyfriend and I? Donāt you have something you should be doing?ā
I briefly think that what I should be doing is correcting his grammar. Itās āmy boyfriend and me.ā But then I snap out of it. Of course I have something I should be doing.
āYes, of course. Sorry about that, sir. Well, you indicated on your digital menu that you prefer more bitterness in your coffee, so I think youāre going to want to start with this new blend we just got in, using beans from South Africa. The soil there reallyā¦ā
After my shift ends, I brew a cup of coffee just for myself, which is my favorite part of the day. It's so nice to remind myself that my tastes are perfect. In spite of my expertise as a coffee sommelier, people always chose the safe, boring options instead of the exuberant, rich beverage experiences that they could have had if they actually listened to me.
Like that couple earlier. The buff dude didnāt even smell the South African beans I recommended. He and his boyfriend just went for the regular Americano. And get this⦠they asked if we had milk for them to put into it. For crying out loud!
They called me pretentious, but thatās only because they wouldnāt know taste if it bit them on the ass. I shake my head and take another sip, letting the deliciously bitter taste wash the memory of those shitty customers away.