May is mental health awareness month. If you asked me three years ago if I would be living still; I’d probably say no. In 2017, my mental health journey began. I was living with my abuser. I was getting molested every single day. I wanted to die. I wanted to run away from home. I wanted to do anything to get away from my abuser. I felt so trapped. My depression hit me. I will never forget the nights I would “fake” I was in the bathroom but really I was just crying. The showers I would cry to cover up my face with the water. The nights I just cried myself to sleep. I would always dread 3:30. Because my abuser would come back home from work, and I knew he wouldn’t just pass me without doing something. I remember the days I would yell at my abuser to stop. But he never did. The times I was angry with God because I didn’t understand. I was so confused. Frustrated. Angry. Depressed. Anxious. Sad. Overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to do.
Three years later now, I spoke up. Put my abuser in prison for twenty years of his life. Have family by me.
But that doesn’t mean I am ok now. And that I didn’t move on with my past. I am always in survival mode. I always get flashbacks. I always feel him near me. It’s called PTSD. Which is a mental health problem.
I still cry to myself to sleep. I still cry in the shower to cover up my tears. I still think about why I am living on this earth, at times. It’s called depression. Which is a mental health problem.
I still get anxiety when I am around men. I don’t like it when people just accidentally touch me. I hate when I am in the woods because I always get anxiety something will happen to me. It’s called anxiety. Which is a mental health problem.
These mental health problems are okay. Don’t let it define you. Be an advocate to yourself. Be an advocate to other people who are struggling. I still have those bad days, but it’s okay to relapse. If you need therapy, go get it. Don’t be shy. You’re mental health isn’t a personal failure. Go get the help you need. If that’s therapy, meds, a mentor, or anything else.....go get it. You’re strength and courage will always define you.
