Lost in My Mind @sammiesmind - Tumblr Blog

when you are 200% done with your co-workers

4 of 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression.

You say I don’t talk to you anymore. But how do I tell you there’s a storm in my mind? How do I tell you there’s fire and lightning, harsh winds trying to blow me away, how do I tell you I’m clutching for my dear fucking fucked up life because apparently that’s what you’re supposed to and because of that damned remnant self preservation thingy that evolution installed in me? How do I tell you I want to die, when my words are met by schooling me on how I’m having first world problems or how you don’t know what to say or you breaking into your spiel of your own problems. Of which you have many. Many even worse than me. But I can’t be there, listening when I can barely hear myself over the storm in my head. I’m so tired. So tired from getting up every day, disappointing everyone, going to sleep, repeat ad nauseam. I even lost the only tiny good thing that was left - going to the cinema with you. How will I ever again dare to ask you when I’ve failed, no, betrayed you twice. You won’t ever believe me ever again. Does it matter that I can’t control the anxiety that’s basically my life? Does it matter that I chose responsibility and pointless work over my friendship with you? You asked me how I feel. And I tried and put my feelings into incoherent words making up incomprehensible sentences. And then you conclude the call saying I obviously don’t want to talk to you. But I have nothing to tell you. I already tried to tell you how I feel. Shall I tell you about my day? About my life where nothing interested ever happens? I petted a cat. I took a nap. I tried and failed to work. I watched some Rooster Teeth content. Which you don’t watch/like. So I try to not talk about it because I know you don’t care and wouldn’t even know what I’m talking about. And I’m so bad about explaining/describing/talking about things anyway. You would get bored and start talking about something yours.Then I watched a few episodes of a series. Which series? I don’t want to tell you. Because It’s a series we’re both a few seasons behind. And because I’ve started watching it you’ll start watching it and binge it much much faster. Watch past the episode where I’m at. And then wait with growing impatience when will I catch up so we can talk about it. But I can’t watch as much as you, my life doesn’t allow it. And then the pressure is too much and I quit watching because I just can’t handle it. And I disappoint you. Time and time again. And it makes me feel like I’m a horrible person. An awful friend. Undeserving of you. Which I am. And the day you realise that is finally starting to approach. But I don’t say any of it. Because I don’t want to make things worse. I don’t want to ruin this friendship even more at this moment because I have to somehow go to sleep in the next hour if I wan’t to be at least somewhat capable of working, of getting through the day, of living this pointless life.