on the good foot

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 🤿 SQUATCH SIBS

Shane: Did you try looking up your mystery girl’s costume on like monstergram or something? Or like, asking people who seem like they like things that would be on the bracelet??

Sam: I did! She was Harley Quinn tho which is like one of THEEE most popular costumes for hot girls!

Sam: ....You might be a genius tho because I did NOT think of the bracelet thing!

Sam: So we're looking for a total babe who loves weed and cookies and socks maybe! The TOTAL package. Does that sound like anyone YOU know?

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 👠 MORAM

Morana: https://imgur.com/lwUUAJy

Morana: I was gonna say that's so great and I can't wait to meet whoever this super amazing girl is but you don't know who she is? And you love her? HELLLLO? Who are you and what have you done with Sam? Did you get body swapped or something with a complete and total idiot???

Sam: Dead inside, but smoking hot on the outside!

Sam: HEY HEY I said I MIGHT love her! I might also just be riding the high of meeting someone as perfect as her. And she was in costume! And we didn't get around to exchanging names because we were talking about other stuff, and before we finished our convo some dude in a dress came and pulled her away! It was so fucking sad that it was cut short but so great that it happened at all. I was planning on asking for her name and number and Gram and all that! It's not my fault I didn't get to!

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 👠 MORAM

Sam: I've got something so weird but SO awesome to tell you, man! I was going to tell you at the party but you totally fucking got trashed and the giant baby was carrying you out by the time I found you. Hope you're alive! Or would that be half alive? Whatever you are!

Sam: ANYWAY. I met the most AMAZING girl at the party. Like, seriously, the best girl on the planet, probably, and she was just THERE, and she wanted to talk to ME. She was hilarious and hot and just so fucking fun, I haven't stopped thinking about her since. And she dropped her cute little bracelet and I've been wearing it on a chain around my neck because I don't know how to get it back to her because I do not know who she is but dude. I might be in like. Love or some shit. Is that ridiculous?

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 📷 KAM

Kate: "Motorcycles were indeed more fuel-efficient than cars and emitted less of the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide, but they emitted far more smog-forming hydrocarbons and oxides of nitrogen, as well as the toxic air pollutant carbon monoxide. ... Motorcycles are just as bad for the environment as cars"

Kate: So nevermind, it was a badass visual for a second tho!

Sam: Shit, I had such a boner for that idea for a whole minute. I pictured a motorcycle gang with jackets and eerything for a second there but oh well. I guess I'll have to just keep running around everywhere lol.

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 📷 KAM

Kate: I wasn’t but it is a really good idea now that you mention it. You SHOULD get one!

Sam: FUCK YEAH I should.

Sam: Wait, do they fuck with the environment?????

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 📷 KAM

Kate: https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9402205440/h0E32403C/a-very-low-resolution-shaky-camera-to-record-bigfoot-above-a-pic-of-a-bigfoot-riding-a-motorcycle

Sam: Holy shit, are you saying I should get a motorcycle?!

[samuelsquatch]

what are your feelings on normies?

I can’t stand the little guys. I don’t know if I hate them more for clear-cutting woodland areas and leaving tons of animals without homes or for trying to catch me or my dad or any of the sasquatches and turn us over to the government. I can’t wait to open up a hotel in the middle of the forest and charge them hella money to try and “catch a Bigfoot”, cause it seems like the only place you can hurt a normie is through their wallets. So long as they’re there though, I wouldn’t mind also putting on a little show for them, maybe traumatizing them to the point where they learn to leave the woods alone.

honesty hour!

[aestheticslyrics]

jesus of suburbia // green day

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 🙈 SAIRIEL

Airiel: I dooo want to hang out with you for your rocking bod *mostly*! But if you're going to add rock climbing to the fun too, then why not?!

Sam: It's just that some girls freak and think I'm asking them on a date or something if I want to do more than just fuck but I knew I wouldn't have to worry about that with you. I mostly wanna hang with you for your rocking bod too but you're also just one of the coolest ghouls in school. I always have a good time with you.

[samuelsquatch]

what's your weirdest sexual fantasy?

Doing stuff while also eating a full course meal. Can you imagine how fun and convenient it’d be to choke down a Big Mac while some girl is choking down on you? It’s the dream!

honesty hour!

[samuelsquatch]

What are your fav hobbies?

Hiking, camping, avoiding the papparazi, and hooking up.

honesty hour!

[samuelsquatch]

How does being a sasquach help or hurt your sex life?

We’re a big-footed people, and we’re also pretty big in general, if you know what I mean. So yeah, I’d say it helps, not that I need help.

honesty hour!

[samuelsquatch]

Are you a clean or messy person?

I’m a dirty boy. But seriously, I’m neat but I’m kinda dirty, if that makes sense? Like, everything’s where it’s supposed to be in my room, but also, it’s all lowkey caked with dirt or mud since I walk around barefoot most of the time and I spend a lot of time outside.

honesty hour!

[samuelsquatch]

Do you think you’ll get married someday?

I’m a pretty casual dude but that doesn’t mean I always want to be. I have a huge family already but it’d be pretty sweet to help make it grow someday by finding someone who vibes with me and my parents and siblings and cousins and all them.

honesty hour!

[samuelsquatch]

Any turn offs?

Girls who refuse to get dirty. I’m a mountain man! If a girl can’t leave the hair straightener and blow dryer at home, slap on a flannel, and help me pitch a tent for her out of fear of breaking a nail, it’s just not going to work.

honesty hour!

[samuelsquatch]

What turns you on the fastest?

It’s hottest to me when girls are in the PJs with their makeup all wiped off and their hair up in ponytails. Maybe it’s because morning sex is famously the best kind of sex, maybe it’s because I like natural girls, or maybe it’s because it just makes me feel like they’re comfy with me, but it’s hot.

honesty hour!

[samuelsquatch]

TEXT 🙈 SAIRIEL

Airiel: Aww how sweet!

Airiel: Sure, I'd love to. Rock climbing IS fun as balls and I'm sure it'll be even more fun with you. Let's do it!

Sam: Just honest, babe!

Sam: Sweet! And here I thought you just wanted to hang out with me for my rocking bod :-P